Loss of a Spouse: 5 Things Only a Widow/er Understands

Everything changes after the loss of a spouse or partner. For many, this was the person we spent most of our time with. This is who we made our plans with…the one who shared our worries. Every part of our past, present, and future revolved around this person, and to be without them is  harder, sadder, and lonelier than we ever could have guessed.

Loss of a Spouse

And here’s the thing…not only is it harder than we could have thought; the people we spend time don’t always seem to recognize the depth and duration of this loss.  This can be felt any time someone tries to cheer us up, smooth it over, or make it better. Our loved ones are well intentioned, there’s no doubt, but here is what most grievers who have lost a spouse would want those around them to understand:

  1. It’s a couples world and socializing after the loss of a spouse is never the same. This comes up just about every time I facilitate a group for widow and widowers. We don’t even notice how much of a couples world it is until we’re no longer part of it. Going out to dinner, going to the movies, taking a vacation. Sure, some people will do these things on their own, but for most these activities were reserved for their spouse or partner. And unfortunately being part of a bigger group or going to a party isn’t necessarily any easier. The problem isn’t just the griever who may feel awkward in a setting that is mostly couples. The friends themselves may hesitate (or all out avoid) inviting the griever along for fear that this newly single person will feel out of place. And for most widows and widowers I speak to, nothing feels worse than that.
  2. Even a very caring network of support can’t replace this one thing we had: a shared and equally vested interest in the outcome of each other’s lives. A widow pointed this out to me, and boy was she right. “My friends are great,” she said, “when I share a worry about my daughter or grandson, they’ll nod and show compassion and concern. But here’s the thing…in the end, whatever happens just won’t affect them the same way it would affect me. The only person who could share the weight of these concerns was my husband”. Since then, I’ve used this example. Imagine a restaurant opens. It’s a wonderful restaurant, with a lot of loyal and happy customers. But then there’s a fire, and suddenly the restaurant is no longer there. The  patrons of that restaurant will miss eating there, and will feel saddened at its loss. But eventually, they will find another place to eat. The owner, however, will never be the same. Because every part of the owner’s life and livelihood, and every part of their security and dreams and hopes went into that restaurant. And in the case of the loss of a spouse, the fact is that only our spouse or partner will feel the same investment and care in our life that we do.
  3. Following the loss of a spouse or partner, I feel like only half of a whole. A lot of couples will refer to their spouse or significant other as their “better half”. While it’s usually meant to be a sweet compliment, the truth is that most marriages (even the imperfect ones!) operate and function as two people joining their lives together as one. After the loss of a spouse most widows and widowers will report feeling that not only is their other half missing, but that they themselves feel incomplete. This union can become such a part of our identity that without it, we don’t feel like a complete or whole person anymore. So we’re not only missing our spouse…we’re missing ourselves too.
  4. Every part of my day and routine is now changed and altered, especially when it’s time to go to sleep. There’s no doubt that a parent who has lost a child, or a daughter who was the full time caregiver for a parent will feel this same void and change in routine. But there are some differences with the loss of a spouse (and it’s important to note that none of them are being highlighted to say that one type of loss is harder than another- they’re just different). Household chores, sharing finances, making plans…all of these things can make it hard to get through the day after the loss of a spouse. But the promise of escape from these stresses that sleep may otherwise provide is something else a widow or widower may lose. Because unless a couple had already become accustomed to sleeping in separate beds (because of long term illness or nursing home placement, for example) a person who is dealing with the loss of a spouse or partner is going to be feeling this very significant change at the end of each day too. “Do I leave the light on the way he used to? I never liked it, but now it feels weird if I don’t.” “Do I stay on my side of the bed, or do I move to the middle?” “Even with the lights out and my eyes closed I can still feel the emptiness of the bed…” “How strange it feels to go to bed without having someone to say goodnight to- ending the day without a goodnight feels like leaving a period off a sentence”
  5. My spouse/partner filled more than just one role in my life. Losing even “just” one person in our life is hard enough. But following the loss of a spouse or partner, a griever will feel like they’ve lost many important people: their friend, their lover, their peer, their co-parent, their confidant, their business partner, their travel companion, their date…meaning that this loss doesn’t mean the loss of “just” one person. This loss will create a vacancy in many roles that one very important person had previously filled. And no one person is going to be able to take the place of all the roles a spouse or partner filled.

A list like this can be hard to create, but for the griever it can be even harder to read. So what is the point, really, in illustrating or highlighting all that a widow or widower has lost?

I’ll go back to the widow from the #2 point on our list, the woman who described the feeling of shared investment that she had lost when her husband died. She told me that the slow recognition of this fact was actually a huge turning point for her. Because when she started to take a look at all the reasons that she was struggling and all the reasons she missed her husband it revealed something even more important: all the things they had shared together. And lying underneath the sadness and yearning for what she had, was a realization of the blessings that their union and time together had created.

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If you’re struggling with the loss of a spouse, talking to others who are going through it can help. While our experiences of grief are unique, there is still so much of this journey that grievers will find they have in common. You’ll find them here at: www.griefincommon.com. 

And if more help is needed? In Grief Coaching, the majority of the people I speak to have lost a spouse. Why? With the loss of a spouse we lose not only our partner, but the person who gave us stability and confidence. The person we made all of our decisions with and the person who shared in the outcome of our days and our lives. I find many widows and widowers feel like they’re floundering as time passes. Finding guidance and encouragement from a person who truly understands the all-encompassing nature of grief and how if affects every moment and every part of life could be just what you need to move forward. 

For a special kind of grief support click here: GRIEF COACHING. FREE 15 minute consults available to www.griefincommon.com members.  

Sending you all light, hope and healing~

Karyn 

www.griefincommon.com

 

135 thoughts on “Loss of a Spouse: 5 Things Only a Widow/er Understands”

  1. So sorry that you have to still exist without Randy. He loved you a lot. God made him especially for you. My heart grieves for you and having to continue on. What can I do for you. I can pray for comfort and peace but that won’t bring him back. You are still a shining example to many people. May God grant you what you need st this very moment. Love you, Becky

  2. We just had a huge fire here. I had to evacuate. I was angry with Steve all over again. He died 9 months ago and I was angry, lonely, and scared!

    1. Lost my wife 9 months ago…Tried some dating sites/a…talking to new women is so strange…I’m bored by these attempts of conversation/banter/connection…my wife was truly a force a powerhouse to our whole family…my in-laws their kids and such….it’s like she had the magic wand and everyone Became family…I understand they all have their lives, and are moving on.guess what I’m saying is that I miss what we had, and people tell me it will take time……it is so I don’t want to say empty or lonely…but….it’s very……………..

      1. Hang in there Ralph ..I’ve been a widower for 13 yrs…I remember feeling just like u do…avoid those dating websites…let your friends imtroduce u to people…it takes a LONG time…

    2. I lost my wife 6 months ago. The struggle is with being alone and then having to pretend to the kids and friends that it isnt agony. I dread late evenings when my son (other son is at college) is watching tv or reading. The whole house feels empty. For now I just seem to be passing time. Hoping for things to stabilize and get better. Like you I miss being touched, having a best friend and somebody to share silly things with daily.

      1. I understand what you are going through my husband passed away it will be 3 years on June 12th, 2019, he had congestive heart failure and diabetes, it is still hard sometimes but I keep in mind he is not suffering and not in pain anymore he is at peace now and is happy now too, it seems to ease the pain some and becoming bearable, he was very ill. May God give you peace and comfort for you. I will pray for you. Your Friend, Lisa C.

      2. I lost my husband April 7 2019 the loneliness and quietness is killing me ! I have a son in high school 16 good kid but doesn’t understand why I cry so much lol

  3. One of my realizations was that I missed being touched. A hug or a grandchild’s touch isn’t quite the same as being touched by a partner in life.

  4. I lost my hudband in june 2015…..
    This article is so correct and still people dont
    Get it…..loss of a spouse changes you.
    I have God an a handful of awesome people and did hospice support group then greif share
    I did not start to come out of the hard struggle till 2 yyr mark

    1. I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 11 months ago and I thought it must be me why am I still like this. I see that you went to the 2 yr Mark maybe there is hope for me.

    1. very true i lost my wife 12 years ago while i was at work.my son called to tell me my wife passed out.i got to the hospital and she was in a coma she died three days later.she was my everything i keep working so i don’t have those 8 hours to think about missing her so much there are days i just want to die.

      1. Frank, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband, my soulmate just 2 weeks ago. I don’t know how to live without him. The pain goes so deep, I cannot describe it. No matter what I do, it’s not the same. I went back to work, picking up 12 hrs shifts. I do understand why God took him from me. He had surgery with complications and died from it. God took him because he knew the future and he would be suffering in pain. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and my husband didn’t want chemotherapy or radiation therapy.
        This came to me while I was praying to our Father asking him Why. Now I am thanking God for giving him Life without pain suffering.
        I don’t have all the answers but I do Believe he is Saved & living in Heaven.
        I’m not saying it’s easy because that would be a lie.What I am saying, Please give this to God and let him give you the Peace- Love- Comfort that you long for.

  5. I experienced loss of friends ,not invited anymore I ‘m now single not by choice and it sucks .People can suck sometimes . I see car’s full of people going out in my neighborhood ride by they dont even say hello anymore .Or why dont you come and meet us weare such and such a place tonight .

  6. My Beloved died in 2011. I still miss his touch. And as much as I am grateful for others touch, it is not the same. This is a wonderful article. I wish I had read it earlier.

  7. I’m sure glad I came across this. It is so helpful. Loss my husband 1 yr and 4 mos. ago. Lately it seems like just yedterday. It keeps hitting in waves. It’s not something you get a dress rehearsal for.

    1. I understand weeping every day, I still do it, my wife died on Nov. 08, 1917.

      In my agony I wrote this for my dear wife and best friend, Georgette.

      I Weep When…
      Looking at your photos, notes and cards.
      Going to bed with only your pillow beside me for company.
      I no longer hear your gentle voice in the dark, telling me,
      “You are my best friend, and I love you honey.”
      Seeing the full moon, you loved looking at
      through the bedroom window while in bed.
      Waking up without you by my side.
      The morning sun shines, you loved the morning sun.
      When I am out walking, and don’t see you there beside me.
      Waiting for the bus without you by my side.
      Riding the bus as I glance over at your empty seat.
      I don’t see you across the table from me at the coffee shop.
      Sitting on the couch with your empty space beside me.
      Looking in the closet at your things , you will never wear again.
      I see your watch still keeping time, while you are in eternity.
      Seeing your shoes by the bed where you always kept them.
      Seeing your toothbrush and hand lotion still in the bathroom.
      Watching your favorite TV programs without you by my side.
      I can no longer make you an egg sandwich before bed.
      I don’t hear your voice calling , asking me to come on up to bed.
      Your absence keeps me a prisoner of God.
      I no longer hear you saying, ” honey don’t worry,
      every thing will be fine, God will help us.”

      I still weep many times a day. We were married for 52 years…..I just turned 72.

      1. John again…..my dear wife of 52 years passed on Nov, 08, 2017, not 1917…….sorry for the mix up in the date,
        I was weeping as I typed the message and tears were in my eyes. thank you for understanding the mix up.

      2. i was 60 when my wife died.i used to call at 9am every morning while i was at work.the morning i called her she told me she had a small headache.i said if she wanted me to come home she said no i should have. my son called me three hours later to tell me my wife passed out.she died three days later and till this day i think i should have went home.i am 72 now and i am alone and sad hoping for the day we are together again.remember you are not alone on this ride of grief you have a lot of company God help us.

        1. I understand your pain and ‘regret” for not going home. I sometimes still call home when and leave a short message for her when I am out, even, though she is not there, I leave a message for her on the answering machine…….just to hear her name mentioned when I listen to my messages when I get home.

        2. My husband and i were high school sweethearts. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 esophagus cancer on you 41 st. Wedding anniversary august 10th 2006. He ppassed away 13 months later. These last 12 1/2 years hahave been so very lonely. My daughter and my sisters girl’s were very supportive, but after a while life for them life goes back to their normal. As it should, they have their own families and lives to live. Its just so lonely. Just seeing family 2 to 3 times a year makes life very lonely.. i slways wish someone would call to check up on me to see how I’m doing. Been thinking if i died how long would it be before my body would be discovered. Sick thought iknow.

      3. John, this could have been written by me, al.ost word by word. The pain is so real, for the loss of all the things that will never come again. I entered your comments in my journal, because it spoke as of from my heart. We were truly blessed to have known this fulfilling love. May the love of our Lord fill our hearts with the confirmation this is a temporary separation, until He calls us by name, and comes to take us to join our spouse in our room in His mansion. Prayers for a Merry Christmas.

        1. I understand your pain and ‘regret” for not going home. I sometimes still call home when and leave a short message for her when I am out, even, though she is not there, I leave a message for her on the answering machine…….just to hear her name mentioned when I listen to my messages when I get home.

        2. Thank you Sandra…….My Georgette was so very close to God and prayed allways, and now I think I am riding relying on her her prayers as I always have always throughout our marriage.I am still praying one prayer,”God be merciful to me a sinner.” The only prayer that I can muster these days……along with Georgette please pray for me.
          My prayer every morning and every night!

      4. Hi John,
        I lost my husband 5/27/17. Your message is exactly everything I have happening. the remote still goes on his bedside stand and not mine. I put his pillow out every night. His shoes are still outside the door showing this is his house. His razor is on the bathroom counter, his mouthwash, lotion, toothbrush, clothing , etc etc etc is still in the same spot. I no longer can lay his vitamins out , even though I still have his bottle of vitamins. I use to cry when Id see lonely people eating in the restaurants alone. Now, I am one of them. He use to call out to me to come to bed. I make popcorn for one on our special show night , instead of two. The list is never ending and I am very sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult. You will be in my prayers.

      5. My husband died last June. I fell in love with him when I was 14 and I am 62 now. We weren’t able to have children. I have lost my father, mother, brother, stepbrother, and stepfather to cancer and now my husband. The line that stood out to me most is the one about being a prisoner of God. I don’t want to live anymore. David was my entire life. I can’t believe in a good God but I cannot commit suicide. We who have lost a spouse will never ever have that spouse again as there are no marriages in heaven if there is such a place. I want my David back. He was all I had, my reason for living.

      6. You have so completely described me and my thoughts. I am 74 and my spouse died Jan 2018. 6 mos. of lung cancer. It seemed everyone thought he was a burden, how Wrong they were!

    2. for some people they get married right away thinking that will make them happy again or just to be no alone.for some people it make work but no one can ever replace the love me and my wife had.

      1. I do the same June . I also panicked when I saw the first Christmas ads because after that is January – 1 yr . I dread this . I still cry at least once a day and I am ready to go anytime . I am 56 . He died right before his birthday ( I am 18 months older) and we have never been this far apart in age . It’s weird I know but still . His death was sudden and only 53 .

  8. He pasted 1991 I had the children, house cat and dog to care for I worked and was busy. Now with pension and it is hard all over. All the above said is true I feel like the sore thumb sticking out and must find things to do for single people as I do not fit in with couples.

  9. I lost my husband on August 14, 2017……he and I were both disabled, so we have spent the last 9 years being together 24/7……. and to go from together every minute of every day to zero is hard to get used to. Everything that is mentioned in this is 100% how I have been and continue to feel. I cry every day …… he was my soulmate for sure….thankfully we did a lot of different things during our time together (only 15 years) and I have a lot of awesome memories to help……spend your time collecting moments not things!

    1. I am so glad I came across this blog. Sometimes I feel so desperate without Richard. He passed away August 15, 2017. He was everything to me. Life has lost its joy. I feel like I just go through the motions day after day. Well meaning friends advise me to join a singles meet up group or similar activities but it doesn’t interest me at all. I miss Richard not a man. I am so jealous when I see couples having dinner or out for a walk. Especially older couples. Why were they allowed to grow old together and my Richard had to become sick with heart disease. I am 62. I wish I was 92.

  10. You lose your husband, but worst of all the people you thought were your bestfriends leave you also! I am grateful for what I had and I know we will be together again one day!!

  11. It will be 5 years in Feb that my husband is gone -feels like yesterday – he’s constantly in my thoughts and my heart still breaks a little more each day as I miss him more

    1. I’m the same way. It’s been almost 4 years since husband died suddenly after 42 years. We did most everything together, even work. We were raising our now 12 year old. Now Its just her & me. Don’t really fit in anywhere, couples or singles . Very few minutes is he out of my thoughts . People , even family, who used to come visit , don’t . Have moved to make a new life, new friends. Some things are better but still so hard sometimes.

    2. I am sorry to bring you crushing news. We who have lost a spouse will never have them as a spouse ever again as there are no marriages in heaven if there is such a place. Our soulmates will never touch us again or be their special loved one. I cry on buses or trans, on the street. We are programmed to become one with someone and then have them ripped away from us. If that isn’t the most evil cruelty ever I swear I don’t know what is. David was my entire reason for living and now he is dead I swear I wish I was dead. But we have to stay as long as the good (I am being sarcastic) God wants us to suffer or else what else will He do to us?

      1. Lesley, I am so sorry for your loss, I know what you atr going through I lost my husband it will be 3 years on June 12th, 2019, he had congested heart failure and diabetes, I still cry for him sometimes but it is not God’s fault it is Satan’s fault if you want to blame someone blame Satan he caused all this when he betrayed Adam and Eve, that is where it all started. One day we will see our Spouses we will see all our loved ones we have lost one day, it will be a joyous day for sure something to look forward too. May God comfort and strengthen you. Your Friend, Lisa C

  12. this is such a hellacious and lonely path we are now forced to navigate. i have often wished it had been me who died instead of him. i am grateful for having my fantastic guy by my side for 30 years but still reeling from his sudden loss in august 2016. i would love to win the lottery and build a sanctuary/retreat for us = widows & widowers to be together to talk and help each other transition into this new single life.

    1. Please read Abel Keogh’ books. I recommend Room For Two, first.
      I’ve been in a relationship with a widower for almost a year. Lots of challenges, though.
      Learning curves and boundaries.

  13. My late wife was a housewife and me a sole breadwinner.It’s so funny that I feelI was still wanting To do more for her and My child.I miss her a lot.I don’t See any purpose of working any longer.I want to accomplish things for someone,not myself.

    1. Trust me, its not easy and no one understands until they go through it. To me it feels like half of me left with him…its such a painful adjustment. I am really sorry you had to go through such a rollercoaster of emotions. With me my kids are my driving force but its not the same as my husbands presence.

  14. This article is so true. You feel completely alone. Everyone looks at you different. When I do go out it is like I am on auto pilot. I feel blessed for the time I had with Tim but now I am floundering. He told me if I was always there for his children and grandchildren, they will be there for me. Recently, I realized they are there for Christmas and birthdays only. It hurts when reality sets in. So where do I go from here.

    1. I have one daughter and one grandson. I see them maybe 2 a month. If it were not for my sister I would not be here the loneliness is the worse what do you do to fill the void of your husband of 45 yrs?

  15. Lost my husband 12/21/17 after 50 yrs together. Now I’m about to lose our 46 yr old daughter who has been ill for years so not a total surprise – just not what I need — another loss– so soon. She moved to hospice (just like her dad) yesterday so now the final waiting is taking place again.

    1. So sorry for the loss of your husband, my wife for 52 years passed away on Nov. 08, 2017, and now our 55 year old daughter has been diagnosed with Huntington’s disease, and though her symptoms are not severe at the moment, her near future is very uncertain, and she has two son’s in their early twenties, and now they are wondering about their own fate, as the disease is in the DNA.
      My wife Georgette was a woman of faith, who trusted in God, and that is what I am clinging to at the moment……faith in God, whatever and whoever that entity may be….that the universe is unfolding as it should. Naive thinking perhaps….but that is all I have to cling to.

      Sincerely….John

  16. On November 22nd of this year, Jimmy, my husband and best friend, went home to Jesus. While I celebrate in knowing where he is, I feel like a half shell of a person. The woman I was is no longer. This article describes so much of what I’ve experienced; but with much anguish. I’m just lost……

  17. My husband died on Jan 20. We were married 48 years. I am so lost. I don’t belong to anybody. We always knew within five minutes where the other was. I was in the shopping mall one day recently, and I realized nobody knew where I was. My next thought was ‘and nobody cares.’ I have wonderful children and grandchildren, but half of me is gone.

    1. I feel the same way everyday I lost mine one year and a half and I am so lost inside I have nobody now just my little dogs if it wasn’t for them keeping me busy I couldn’t stand it we shop together we done everything together now it’s just me play in the park I know how you feel God bless

    2. That completely describes how I feel. It’s only been a month and we never had children. I’ve never felt such agony. No one can fill that horrible void. Together 45 years also. All I had. How do you do it??

      1. I lost my husband on April 29, 2018. He said he was going to take a shower to sooth a bulging disk he was being treated for. He died in the shower 45 seconds later. We would have been married 50 years in November, 2018. We had known each other since we were 12! Practically all our lives! How do I go on from here! I see him everywhere and then nowhere! How do I live this life alone!!! It is so hard!! I miss every aspect of our lives together!!! Everyone says time, but time seems a long way off!!!!

      2. I have one daughter and one grandson. I see them maybe 2 a month. If it were not for my sister I would not be here the loneliness is the worse what do you do to fill the void of your husband of 45 yrs?

    3. My husband of 43 years died in February 2018. Janet.. I said this same thing to so many people. My husband, even though he always knew where I was, if I was gone more than an hour would call and say” where are you”?? It’s hard knowing that nobody knows where you are any more and nobody cares.. my heart is so broken!

    4. I feel nobody cares too, but I do care about how you feel. I just want you to know. When the people that don’t care have to go through it themselves, they will suffer the same.

  18. Thank you for writing this. My husband passed away suddenly without warning in 2012. Every word you say is true. I live alone with my dogs and cats, and most people around me do not have any understanding of how this loss affected me. It isn’t their fault, I was the same once too. Thank you.

  19. I was driving home today after a a busy day of meeting, movie, then shopping. My 14 yr old son was home but as much as he loves me he didn’t really care when I came home. My husband, who died Dec 2017, would have certainly cared. Before he passed away I always new while I was out and about that he always looked forward to when I came home. Even if we didn’t have anything planned. I think today was the first time I realized why I don’t look fwd to going home sometimes. This realization has me quite emotional tonight.

  20. April 14th/2018 at 7:30pm my husband took his last breath while I was holding his hand. 25years it would of been on my up coming Birthday of us being together. More than half our lives. It feels like forever since I last talked with him, told him I loved him and laughed together. The pain comes in waves once it hits anytime and any place will I cry for him. He was my true love and always will be. Now I know life doesn’t stop after losing your better half. You still have to keep going even though at times it’s such a struggle. With a heartache that you can’t explain.

    1. Angie…..so sorry for your loss…..it is not hurt,
      It is agony!

      I wrote this for my dear wife Georgette after she passed away on Nov. 08 2017.
      I always disliked the expression “passed away’. She died and was taken from me.

      Dear Georgette Honey,

      Thinking of the last time ever, that I saw your face, and kissed your brow. As your heart beat it’s last, I was holding your wrist, my heart was breaking, as held you close, just one more time again, to feel your warmth, your love as I sobbed my goodbye into your ear, “I love you honey, you are my best friend.”

      My world came to an end at that moment,
      I knew that nothing would ever be the same again.The stars will no longer shine as brightly,
      The nights will be longer and darker,
      The sun will no longer be a comfort after a storm.

      I will be loving you forever honey no matter where you are……your broken husband John…

      1. How are you doing now? Iost my husband suddenly 6 weeks ago. I am heartbroken. I was with him for 37 years. Does that get any easier?

      2. My husband passed away October 17, 2016. After 25 years of marriage I still feel as though I am living with half a heart (as painful as being ripped in half). My soul is living in two world’s. My feet are on Earth but my soul longs for heaven. I put on a smile in public as you learn to do as pto do because people are usually well-meaning but don’t understand my pain. Or they say well-meaning but trite platitudes in their attempt to make you feel bettetrI miss my husband’s presence. I miss being someone’s soulmate and having someone to share a home with…to share life with. Life is lived one day at a time because that is all I can handle right now. Thank you all for letting me share my feelings and for being open about your loss. God bless you all

  21. I have tried to do things and see people since my husband died in July of 2017.
    Lately, I realize there is no point in trying.
    I’m so tired and just want it to end.

  22. It has been almost 3 years since Jim died. I’ve had numerous deaths (uncles, grandmother, aunts, friends, my dog and my dad), since Jim died. Each death is now compared to and made more painful due to the death of my husband because he is the one I’d turn to on dark days. Going out with friends is a complete chore and I do so because it “looks like I have it all together,” when in reality, I hate it and can’t wait to get home so I don’t have to fake being happy. I know death is part of life. But it is the crappy part. Dating? Every male my age (54) seems to be looking for a 30 year old. I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m still standing so I’ll hang onto that. Good luck to all…

  23. My husband died April 12, 2018, i am sitting hear reading this and crying, my heart is broken. We were married 45 years. Nights are the hardest. I just want to reach out and touch him and to be held in his arms. I am at such a lost.

    1. I agree with you, Susan. Mornings and nights are the hardest. I feel lost without him and I question my decisions. I hope for less pain with each day because I know that the pain will never go away.

      1. The loss of confidence that my wife and I had grown and perfected for 37 years together is now GONE. We always bounced things off each other- what I could not handle -she did-for me! I too question almost everything I now do. The nights are tough but the worst is looking over at the other side of my bed in the morning seeing and hearing nothing. Sometimes I have such disappointment when I wake up -yet another day without her.

  24. My wife died in Sep 2017. Its about a year now but it seems like only yesterday. The agony is still unbearable. Whatever has been said is absolutely true. Only the person who experienced it understands. May God bless us all and help us to cope with the loss.

  25. My husband passed away on July 22, 2018. He was 53 years old and was my best friend. We loved to take walks together, he made me laugh with his quirky humor, he loved watching movies and playing tennis. I realize God has a plan but I don’t understand it.

    1. I feel the same way. My wonderful husband passed 6 weeks ago and he was my best friend and the love of my life. We had been together for 37 years since just before my 21st birthday. I feel so alone and so lost just sitting here in this huge house all by myself. I need someone to help me because I don’t know how to do this all by myself.

      1. I had 37 years too and same here now in a house that was once a home. It was fine for US but alone its now suddenly way too big! The hardest part is being alone- you dont feel well and now its just you. You feel a pain somewhere and its no more “ahh honey that doesnt feel right”. No more- “just go the the Dr.I will go with you”! No more US and the silence is defeaning- Fighting the battle of life alone now after 37 years with your soulmate and battle-mate- you no longer feel strong-confident. The phone rings ? You cringe. The walk to the mailbox is filled with anxiety and worry. You rush through shopping-to get home- Why? You get home and you are all alone? But you go out and? You are alone. The neighborhood is all married couples-young and old. You fit in fine before. Now you stand out like a sore thumb as you drive in and out of the garage. Mostly hoping nobody notices- but they dont even seem to be looking at you anymore. In 5 months- I got no calls from my wifes family..None. My days are spent-hoping to get to the night and some sleep aided by Zquil! I worked almost 40 years to retire- I do not want to have to count on a job again at age 64. I did my time damn it! Yet now on 1 income I fret over the bills and online banking-worried-scared. Together we had this all BEAT- alone as one- I am totally defeated! I know how you feel as I am trying every day to get by with little to no confidence and just worry and concern. This is NOT living!

        1. 7 years for me after being married 36 years. My husband passed away from bladder cancer within 6 months. You will never be the same but you will move on. You are a survivor and you will learn independence. Over the years you will gain confidence that you can accomplish anything life throws your way. You will be strong, confident and beautiful. No matter what pain you endure there is always room for sharing love that you give to others. Think about what you can do for others while you still have time on this earth. Your soulmate is gone as well as mine but you still have love in your heart. Share this love with others as long as you breathe. That is what keeps your heart beating. So sorry for your loss. Don’t waste the life God gave you. Love one another.

      2. WoW, well written, after 34 years with my husband, I feel exactly the same. You describe my feelings so well. I am so sorry even two people have to experience this.

    2. That’s what everyone says. My husband died in October 2018. Yes, I believe in God’s plan and there is always something good in it. But as much as I am a believer, I don’t see what good there is in this plan . Now I only know pain, feel insecure and helpless emotionally. The article described it well. I did not only lose my partner, but my best friend, my provider, my lover and my better half in the real sense. I miss sharing the smallest things day to day with him.

  26. My wife of 32 years went home to our lord on August 3, 2018. She took my life with her.
    We did everything together. She was my other half of everything in life. I know where she is, she is pain free sitting at the right hand of our father. Now i am living with pain and agony of losing a wonderful wife. People tell me its going to take time, they don’t get it, I am lost!!!

    1. The pain and agony of those like us that “go on” can never be understood by others. They dont understand- we dont want a “new normal”. They dont know what its like to see yourself a shell of who you were and now someone you dont like. They dont realize “I have no interest in playing “the game” of life all over again when we had that game won after so many years of our marriage! No they do NOT get it- WE ARE LOST FOREVER.

      1. It has only been two weeks since I lost my husband of 66 suddenly from a heart attack we worked very hard to make a good life and we’re on our way for a five week RV trip. We had no children he was my life he was my interest he was my hobby he was my passion we liked to do things together. I also would like to take some pills and go to sleep forever. I don’t know if there is a heaven but I do know I do not want to be here without him.

    2. I lost my husband of 32 years on Nov 3, 2018. i died too that day. What I mean is I died inside. Where am I? Where did I go, why do we have to go through this? Why does everyone around me think I can ever be the same. I am sorry, but time does not or will not heal all wounds and who made this up anyway? He is still there in my mind and heart and that will never change. He is there and is my guardian angel. I believe god had a plan for him, but I was not consulted. To lose a spouse is to live in complete misery. I am sorry for your loss!!

  27. I lost my wife 12 years ago and it feels like yesterday.there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel sad and lonely.i don’t want to feel the pain again I am 72 but look 50 I am very healthy and fit buy I want to get something so I can join my wife again.but I keep myself in good shape I don’t know why because I am tired and want out of this world.my son is getting married and soon will leave home and I will really feel sad and lonely.

  28. Some of us truly can not survive long without our other half, our soulmates. Don’t know why there just can’t be a socially sanctioned red pill to take so we can leave. Being single when you don’t want to be is hell with your eyes open when all you want to be is with your beloved. Very tired of society always pushing down our throats “oh the new normal….”. To heck with that !

    1. I agree- I would gladly take that pill after 5 months without the love of my life. After 37 years I am now empty-a shell of myself- a person I do not like- The married guy was a pretty good- fun loving-confident guy- BECAUSE OF HIS WIFE! With her gone that guy no longer exists. I envy those who are fortunate to also have a broken heart as I do but they pass on days or a few months after. I fear having to go on and on. I want to be with her.

    2. I have been reading all these comments and felt filled with compassion for the terrible reality of our shared grief experiences. I was married for only 8 years and at 32 u was a widow raising our 3 year old son alone. Life just LOOMS before me and I find myself feeling enviously the widowers and widows in their 70s 80s and upward as they are at least likely a little closer than me to ending their miserable sentence on this earth. The red pill, if it existed, is not even an option for me as my young son needs me to not only carry on with it, but to carry on well so he can have at least something of a decent childhood in spite of my grief. I am sorry for all the suffering expressed here. It certainly seems like the design of humans to bond as closely as we do only to leave this earth individually is a flawed one. I am imagining all of us holding hands together, sharing in the alikeness and lovingly supporting each other in the differences of our personal grief experiences.

  29. God has a plan for my life,I know He does.I wake up everyday and give thanks for the time,the life,the love I once had.I pray that I can stay strong to fulfill His plan.Grief is real.I will never be that person again,but pray I can be someone better.I’m so lonely I dont even know myself anymore.Last summer I lost my home,my job,my beloved husband & our dog of 14 years.But I will press on , I’m just waiting for it to not hurt so bad.

    1. Hi Janet! I am so sorry for your loss of your husband. My husband passed away on April 21, 2018. We were married for 44 years too. Next month, November 17th would have been our 45th Anniversary. This is such a difficult journey for all of us here…..❤️💔😥

  30. I am so sorry for all who have gone through the pain and the loss of their spouse, My husband passed on November 28, 2014. It will be 4 years next month. I especially don! t enjoy the weekends, mornings, nights, and holidays. I feel so alone. As we all feel he was my other half. His death was sudden I was in a state of shock, I too feel like many of you, I feel lost and I feel that no one really cares. People just go on, those that said they would be there for you. We were married 44 years.

  31. I can certainly relate to all your sad stories. My husband got his wings Dec.9,2013. We were together 44 yrs. I think of him constantly & miss him so very much. He was
    my everything. I moved from our home in CA a year
    after his death because of no relatives there. We don’t have children but I have many relatives here in MI that I try to socialize with. Your whole life changes though….but the beautiful memories will never change. My faith keeps
    me positive and know I will see my sweetheart again.
    Wishing only the best for all of you friends.

  32. I just lost my wife of 21 years this month October 2nd 2018. She was my everything. My whole life was built around her. I’m only 50 years old but I really have no interest in going on. The only thing that gives me solace is that I think I have developed a heart condition and the thought of it taking me away from all of this.

  33. I lost my wonderful angel August 9th to stage 4 lung/brain cancer. It was a total shock we never saw coming. It was only 2 months from diagnosis and she and our 37 years of marriage and our 44 years of HS sweetheart love ALL GONE! My world- my life-my soul torn from me. Yes this article hits most of the points. But like many here I dont care any longer-yes 4 children grown and 2 grandchildren but SHE was MY life- it is not the same without her and I know they all feel same as well. It should have been me. I would be fine with that as now all I do is curse the mornings when I get up. She was only 62 and I 64 and I am done. I cant start over again – I invested ALL I had in her and I have nothing left to invest. If God would listen he could take me! What God does this? This is a plan? What type of cruel plan takes a woman who loved God so much away? All along she was saying “God says this will be fine- I will live to be 101- God said so”! God apparently never heard the “terminal no cure diagnosis”. First given a few months-then weeks. I hate this new world I must live in! I dread mornings and fast forward to get to sleep with help of zquil! I wake up disappointed that I have. When will this end? It cant come soon enough. I see many share the same thoughts and I surely understand your reasons. I too grieve the poss of my past-present and future- so what the hell is really left? Take me too.

  34. My heart is so heavy. I was hoping to carry on without my husband, it’s been 4 months since he past away and I’m still in pain. I just want to feel alive.

  35. I lost my husband in March 2012! The 1st 6 months were unbearable! My brother, told me to get on with it! I wanted too, but I took one step forward and them fall two steps back. The financial part will hit you like a brick! From 2 income, to one changes you forever! And yes, couples stop asking you out, but if you go, you feel as 3 person, no longer a pair!
    But there is hope if you give this to God! Lay it at His feet and He will aid you!
    Without Faith in God, I would be in depression! So, if you lost your Faith, it will be much harder for your loss!
    You can have hope, your heart has a lot of love to share!

    1. I have lost my faith in God right now- I have plans of trying to get back. But while nobody has told me after 5 months to “get over it” I can feel it from my own daughters.I know nobody when I talk wants to hear it but they hear the truth -“nope not doing so well”. I refuse to happy face it.Yes the financial part of going to 1 is scary- I had just retired and she was going to as well- Now its ALL on me. I am 64-worked almost 40 years and had no intention of going back and being miserable. I refuse to work till I die. I did better in life to deserve that. Yes all else in the world is couples and living in a neighborhood of all couples- yeah now it hurts. THIS SUCKS!

  36. Hi everyone,
    I can totally empathise with you all, my husband, soulmate and best friend died seven years ago when he was 47, we met when I was 15 and were together for 30 years. I have cried millions of tears, the price I have paid for the love we shared for each other. Some of us have had something that some people never experience in a lifetime, an unconditional, everlasting love, we are privileged to feel such pain but it is so difficult to feel lucky when we are hurting so much. I feel the deep loneliness you all talk about and I know the ache in my heart will never go away, it’s like an open wound that will never heal. Grief is a heavy weight to carry around, it feels lighter sometimes but it’s always lurking deep within me, waiting to surface, it takes a lot of effort, energy and stamina to keep it under control while life carries on. I know I will love him with all my heart and miss him every day for the rest of my life, It’s not just a saying that half of me has died, it’s a reality, I know I am half the person I was, the other half of me has gone. I have lots loving family but I’m alone, in a room full of people I’m alone. I feel like a spare part and as you said, there’s no one waiting for me to arrive home, I still feel lost as if I’m just keeping everything going and managing until he comes back but knowing he never will….never ever and that is so hard to live with. I like to think I will meet him again one day and he will be proud of me for doing my best and carrying on for our family but when he died the hardest thing was knowing I could have to live another forty years or more without him. My husband was a truly wonderful husband, son, father, grandfather and friend. I can’t describe how much I love him, my heart is heavy with grief but so full of love, that will never die. I am so sorry for you all, I truly feel your pain. I am sending love to you all. I read a saying which said ‘ the more you give away, the richer you become’ this is so true, not financially but your time, love, care, anything you can do to help someone else will make you richer and stronger, it’s the only thing that has helped me. My son said ” Mam, Dad gave you enough love to last you a lifetime” he was right.

  37. My dear husband died unexpectedly on December 3, 2018. He died of pulmonary emboli, with no history of blood clots. My brain knows he is not coming home, but my heart does not get it. 31 years of having a best friend I would always try to get home to as quickly as possible has me conditioned to getting home so I can see him. The pain I feel is something I have never felt even though my husband and I have lost other loved ones and have two children with many chronic diseases. I feel my husband trying to reach me through music. Do others feel their loved ones trying to reassure them? My condolences to all on this site who have lost their beloved.

  38. I lost my husband November 25, 2018. I really don’t know how I feel. Some days are better than others, but I agree that I feel like I lost a big part of myself. I find myself wanting to talk to him and wait for him to come down the hall and smile. I know it isn’t going to happen, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking that. I know he is out of pain and at peace, but it still hurts a lot. We were one week short of our 30th anniversary.

    1. Thank you all for sharing your deep pain and thoughts with others. I lost my husband 1 yr., 3 months and 24 days ago on October 3, 2017. The pain and devastation I feel is too much some days. I want to see him again more than anything and I truly do not want to go on. His death was sudden and very unexpected. He had just turned 50 years old. People who have not experienced this say the most ignorant things. I have lost my tolerance for people.

      1. Hello everyone, I just lost my husband last week on May 1st, he has been sick for a long time, he was in a lot of pain, he tried so to hang on for me, waiting for me to retire, I miss him, it would have been 34 years this coming October. I’ve been sleeping on the couch because it feels safe, I just can go in our bedroom,

  39. I see this coming our way… For, right now it is still “our”, and not my. I see all the injured souls, of which we are two more, for he is hurting in advance of leaving.

    While he is still here, I have a head about me to say, protect all lifeforms we have brought into our pack… him, I, our dogs. We have experienced much horrid loss together, and held onto one another. There will be no holding onto after the door slams.

    Part of me just wants to shrivel up. The other part of me wants to keep it together both before and after this door slams in our faces.

    I want to force that door back open, so the dogs still feel joyful at life (I will be left to be the soul source for two large and one rather intelligent dog), and so that I am a fighter still, able to suck joy back into my life as well.

    There do not seem to be any such support groups or circles for that. That support should possibly be put in place now. Where are those circles. I am not dating. I am seeking mutual support for me and for him. And sadly, then the us whom are left behind. I am 60. He is 73. We have lost two dogs in the past 4 years, which dire consequences to a dog that has the intelligence to grieve and now he will grieve again.

    I am sure others went through this stress and hell, and it either overcomes you with a silence that is defining, or you overcome it to a certain degree. Mind you, you never overcome it completely. I have lost at least 10 family members and know that better than anyone that it never leaves you.

    Somehow I must make this final hurrah, be infused with support, both while he is here to see that his dogs and wife will have that after the door slams.

    We appeared healthy, we were thankful for our health and then along comes this freaking prostate cancer.

    I view this as Nightmare, Chapter 1, which we have entered. Thanks for anything positive you may send our way, Dog Lovers in Maryland.

  40. I lost my beloved 4 years ago tomorrow. We were married for 31 years. It seems like yesterday I lost him the pain never goes away. I pray every night when I drive home from work that when I open the door I will see my love. I know it will never be. I will work as long as I can because it helps me to keep my sanity from losing my best friend, my love, my everything. We have two children and 5 grandchildren and they do help. But I need him, he was the love of my life. I pray every night before I go to sleep and Thank God for bringing me my wonderful husband to me. I truly feel so blessed to have been his wife. I miss him more than words can say. I was the same after I lost him to brain cancer all I wanted to do was go with him. It is a very lonely life, you get up and you try to go on and then you work, then come home and it is a routine. You go out to eat alone and you go to a movie alone when all you want to do is sit and cry and you do that everyday. It is so true you are only half a person. I feel so sad I just need him back so much. My love for him has to get me through and one day I will see him again. God bless this journey for all of us is very difficult and heart wrenching. I have lost loved ones before but his death has been so so so so so difficult for me. Prayers for us all.

  41. RE: Death of spouse; Married 54 yrs. Met ages 19 and 21 yr.Medical long-term went undiagnosed.
    Have donated husband’s clothes, 3/4; Have given
    children articles of personal storage; kept office of computer, cookbooks and many books of economics, politics and Math. Organized all family pictures and left his room and office as is. Missing conversations and daily routine for him. Have set activity routine but always return before dark. Try to get back in his computer party friends, and relatives, but all is closing out after funeral. Visit grave site 3 times a week and talk to him at the grave. Have crying spells while driving and in stores. Have joined new activity with an elderly church group, but cannot forget all of the short drives we use to do together./jpd

  42. I am very glad I came across this forum! My dear wife Cheryl passed away from congestive heart failure on October 10 last fall. We had just passed our 30th anniversary. It helps so much to read the comments and stories of those who have also suffered the loss of their beloved spouse. So many of my days are just a sea of tears and memories, and your comments make me realize that this is a very human, very loving condition. I pray that God will comfort all of us who are grieving. Christ rose from the dead, He conquered that final enemy, and He said that all who believe in Him will also rise from the dead some glorious future day. This belief gives me the strength to live, day by day. May God bless and lead all of us here on this forum to trust in that amazing promise!

  43. Hi Chris, I also lost my husband 7 years ago. He was found dead on the bathroom floor while I was in Hospital. I wasn’t the one who found him, I wasn’t with him, I couldn’t sit with him till the ambulance came. I am still angry I wasn’t with him.
    I am a different person, will never be the same again. It is so difficult being around couples or even if not couples they have somebody to go home to. My family just don’t get how I feel. I am really struggling, I have been a widow now since I was 60. I never thought this is how my life would be.

  44. hi
    i lost my love 17th of november 2018. she was/is my world. there are nights i lay in bed so tierd i drift in and out of sleep, I start to rub her back behind me , because she always sat with her feet dangleing over the edge playing magong . she would laugh and say what you doing. when i turn to look , shes not there. i miss her .

  45. My husband passed away on August 31, 2018 after a massive stroke. He was 72. We had been married 17 years in June. He was my soul mate, best friend, and partner in crime. I am managing to get by but it isn’t the same without him to talk to, or hug, or play a joke on. People who haven’t lost their soulmate don’t understand what it is like. I think he visits me tho, because every once in a while I get a whiff of a cigarette being lit. Then it just goes away. I miss him.

    All the plans we had for what we were going to do when I retired (I’m 10 years his junior) are gone and I have nothing to look forward to.
    I feel lost, detached and invisible.

  46. The one thing that makes me feel the most alone in all of this is the fact that i’m only 20 years old. We had been together for several years and got married 2-9-18 and he was in a car accident that killed him on 8-8-18 a day shy of our 6 month wedding anniversary. I miss him everyday and i’m pretty sure the words “Please come home” slips out of my mouth at least once a day with tears in my eyes. We didn’t have children like most couples when he passed, we had just lost 3 babies over the last year before his death and so I don’t have even the smallest part of him to hold on to. I love you Kolby Miller you will forever be my everything.

    1. David and I were married for forty years. I fell in love with him when I was 14 and we married when I was 21. I lost him last year. We weren’t able to have children. He was my entire life. I swear I don’t want to live without him. I lost my dad to cancer when he was 42, my brother, stepbrother, stepfather all to the same evil disease. All you can do is be thankful that you haven’t brought another human being into this world to suffer. Would you want children to suffer? I need my husband but he is gone and he will never be mine again. I send love and condolences to all of you reading this.

    1. You go on. I lost my wife 8 months ago and I just go on. I am not the same and never will be. Her family basically ran out after funeral mass breakfast and have never been heard from again. I had retired now I am all alone. The game of life we played so well and perfected together for 38 years is over. I have no desire to get back in the game at 65! I look forward to the nights and getting to bed- if I can sleep- If not I grab some Zquil. I take my meds- see my Dr. see my grief counselor. I shop and pay bills and cringe because our income is now just my income and makes it tougher-scarier. Nut my friend I wake up- ask why? And I go on. I dont like it but there are no other options. I cry alot- kiss her ashes good noght and good morning- Refuse to put her in our niche till I go and we go together. Silly but I cant let her be alone! So shes in our bedroom till finally they shove me in our companion urn and then we are finally together forever. I find it so unfair to be the one left behind- to go first means to not grieve the rest of your life. Its torture-unfair- I try as best I can and I go on. You will too. Does not mean you ever accept it. But to answer what do you do now? You go on. Yes sorry to say. I do feel your pain! I to am living it- Good Luck in your life journey.

    1. Charles – What you do is live your life to the fullest, for her. Believe that she is watching you, and she wants you to be happy! Live for her and live for you. Use the love she poured into you and multiply it by helping others. Volunteer at a food pantry, help with Boy Scouts, do something good and tell them it’s because of your fantastic wife – cause it is! Life is but a fleeting moment and you will be back with all whom you lost. Use the love you have been given and give Death a kick in the ass by paying it forward to those who need the help now….in this life…while you can. I’m trying to take my own advice after losing my wonderful wife two months ago.

  47. I lost my spouse years ago.before the internet and Facebook Most of my friends remained happily coupled and did what these people describe people doing to them. ( pretty much ignoring them after a week or so) Oh the horror of “singlehood”. I was xcluded and as we must, moved on. Now my newly widowed friends turn to me since I’m an outsider and until they re couple, need that support. It’s painful for everyone

  48. The article was interesting and touched on some good points. There is just one and only true facts – nobody knows what the loss has done to you. My wife and I met when she was 17. We married 5 years later. We had 4 daughters (the loves of our lives). We sent them to college, we gave them weddings and they gave us 9 beautiful children. The problem – it just isn’t the same. I have moved away from my children and grandchildren because they are such a reminder of my wife. I will see an accident on the road and say I will “have to tell Fran about that” or I will see something in the paper or hear it on the news and will think “I wonder if Fran knows about this.” Fran will be gone 8 year this November and I still think of everything and terms of her. And yes, I still sleep on “my” side of the bed. It hurts.

  49. I lost my younger sister 7/9/2017 on her 63 rd birthday. My only sibling who was not only my sister,she was my friend, sounding board and the last living part of our mother. Jan 17,2019 I lost my husband of 51 yrs, but together for 53. I cannot function. I really can’t I want to end it. But will I be able to reconnect with them

    1. How sad and painful is the fact that as with you-when I lost my wife of 38 years-Our story was lost and gone forever. We used to always remember it-talk about it-brag about it. Almost every day the story lived and was recollected. Now its silenced forever. How sad to think your story has ended. But when your spouse goes it does. It lives on in our silence in our minds and thoughts. But with nobody to exchange with the way we used to. To laugh and cry at times that warranted it. To see older couples now- I resent what they have. We were in our early 60s- there are so many fortunate past that and it absolutely tears me apart. We were to have 20 so more years- we worked hard for it-we deserved it- we were robbed. End of story.

  50. This blog is so very comforting. My husband passed 61/2 years ago. He was 56. We were married 36 years. When he died, our story died with it. While I am able to realize how truly blessed my life was and still is, I struggle to feel true joy. The sad part is I want so much to be joyful, and be joyful with others, but it seems to take so much energy. The love and support that we provided to each other made us so strong and capable of doing so much together.We shared a deep faith and celebrated this with others. I miss the confidence, and fun we had. I miss our ongoing conversations about both big and small things. I always will.

  51. It seems that we all feel and think the same, missing our other halves leaving us lonely ,single again, seeing couples together, seeing much older couples still together. It seems that everybody has somebody with them but you dont.
    Its early days for me l just hope that my life will get better, perhaps meet someone who will be my friend would be a help,
    lts good that we have a means to communicate like this and it helps to know that you are not alone with your feelings and thoughts others are feeling the same as you. .

    1. Joseph… i just came across your post… you said it’s early days for you…..how is your day today? i lost my boyfriend December, 2018… i came to this site just to be comforted by other widow/widowers… do you have friends you can talk to…..? i do… but none of them are widows… and they just don’t know what i’m going through

  52. I lost my husband two weeks ago suddenly in a fatal car accident. My world has been completely tossed upside down. He was only 26. I’m 24 and we have a 3 year old… I enjoyed the article. It articulated a lot I havent been able to figure out how to say. Just so heartbroken.

  53. I have just finished reading almost all of the comments on this wonderful site and I can identify with most of them. I was crying a good bit of the time while reading, but then something hit me. I am about to turn 80. My Tom died May 18, 2018 just 10 days after our 60th anniversary. I was blessed to have 60 wonderful, happy years with my guy – many more years than so many I have just read about. I do cry every day. Anything can set it off – a picture, a thought of him, taking a pkg. of meat out of the freezer that’s dated while he was still alive and has our 2 servings inside. But after having a good cry, I try to count the blessings that we had together and the blessings that I have today – and there are so many. Tom and I both believed in God and I know that he is waiting for me in Heaven. I am eager to go. After 2 years of tough caregiving, (he had Alzheimer’s as well as CIDP, a disease that left him unable to walk), I was blessed to be at his side when he passed away at home. His breathing was labored and all of a sudden he opened his eyes wider than I had ever seen them before, and he looked up at the ceiling. Then he closed his eyes and took his last breath. I wonder what he saw but I am hoping that he saw angels coming to take him home. It gives me comfort as the first anniversary of his death approaches. I do grieve and miss him so very much, but I also feel gratitude for the many years we had together and for the 5 children the Lord blessed us with, as well as for a church that gives me the opportunity to serve and to bless others. I pray God’s blessing on each and every one of you today who grieve.

  54. I lost my husband 14 months ago suddenly, unexpected age 57. Then my sister lost hers 7 months later age 53. I am still in a bubble, walking with half a body. I told myself and God this a.m., I am content but not happy. I wished I could have had option B or C. (B. he lived 5-10 years longer and C. We grew old together in our 70’s-80’s.)

  55. I feel horrible lost now live in a empty house that used to be our home miss my wife so badly she passed away from aggressive lung cancer suddenly two days after she came home from hospital on July 30th 2018 got up at 4amnoticed her breathing was raspy tried waking her to see if she wanted a glass of water when she did not respond I call 911 they took her to emergency room where she awoke I was holding her hand she looked into my eyes and then gone I never slept right since and wont sleep in the bedroom anymore just in the recliner I always look to see if she’s with me in the store or when I get home from work or anyplace no one there to ask how my day was or hug kiss or talk to I havent had any visitors in 8 months straight somtimes wonder if I should just move away but both of us made the house the way it is together it’s hard i wish i could be with her again 😪💔

  56. I feel all of the above comments. my husband has been gone 5 years and 3 months. all of the pain and sorrow, tears and sadness have been felt. and always will be there – we were together for 30 years.
    cancer and diabetes took him too soon.

    I heard another widow refer to this time without your spouse as the ‘new normal’. and I have to adjust my sails to be in this new space. but I will.
    I still see my husband in parts of our life together. he is here even though he is not
    here. comments come back to me about things he said. lovely. he lives on.
    I know he is in heaven now, taking care of all his loved ones. and I miss him dearly, love him forever, and i know that someday I will be with him again.
    for now I have to take care of the kids and grandkids and keep my spirits up.
    a lot of exercise, love from the family and the dogs, love of god, belief in angels and to keep moving forward are my aims.
    the two hardest words in the English language – Have Faith.
    Take care –

  57. All the people who said we’re here for you, let us know what we can do for you, we’re going to be here for the long haul, etc etc etc….they are gone, went back to their lives. I can’t blame them. They didn’t come home to find their 51 year old wife of 24 years dead on the bathroom floor. They get to be sad, but they get to move on. Is it me, am I hard to be around now?

  58. My husband died from a sarcoma cancer five years ago. He was my soulmate, best friend, the best husband, the best father and made me feel so special. We were married 36 years. I never lived alone until now and hate it. I have two beautiful grown children. My relatives and friends have abandoned me and all I have is my little dog. I wished we would have both died together and I would not have this lost feeling if hopelessness and loneliness. I wake up with a sense of dread as everything is on me-house, finances, etc. I really miss working as a team together and miss him forever. Time does not heal.

    1. I lost my husband to brain cancer on Nov 3rd 2018. I watched him die slowly over 8 months all while wishing I could take his place. I never left his side. Now, I am left with an empty heart. It is amazing how everyone seems to not care. His parents abandoned him during his illness and went on their fancy vacations. Now they tell me how they wish they had more time with him. How dare they? I cant comprehend how anyone could not be
      there for their own child. I saw how this hurt him, when he would ask when they were coming to see him. and I get angry at there sight. They tell me they care about how I am doing, but I do not believe them. I pray to try and forgive. I have a dog now that a rescued and she rescued me too. It helps the loneliness. I am lost and forgotten in this hell I live in. Someone lied, time does not heal all wounds! I am grateful of the time we spent together and this website of people who care!

  59. I lost my husband two years ago. It was like being hit with a mallet I was confused for months. I couldn’t plan anything, although I had acted as manager of my husband as he was a singer/actor. Psychiatrists tell me it is unhealthy to still be in love with a dead man. I felt guilty for a while but nothing put him out of my mind. We had been married 34 years so he was always ‘in my mind’ in our plans on our travels. You have to be completely ignorant not to realise that this affects someone profoundly and for ever. I manage reasonably well even though couples we knew dropped me. At my age I had lost all of my lifelong friends and those friends of a lifetime ‘our best friends’ have also died. We had no children but did a lot of community work together in retirement.
    I am feeling worse now as I looked after ‘his’ cat and kept myself together for her. She missed him. We were both animal lovers and had rescue cats and dogs. She was the last. She died two days before the 2nd anniversary of his death. I recently brought myself to go through documents he had filed away after his mother’s death. He had saved all the letters I had sent him and reading them again broke my heart.
    I feel lucky, so lucky, to have been his wife. The pain of loss is unbearable at times still.
    The late Queen Mother said in her diary. “Grief is the price you have to pay for loving and being loved”. I wish I had something consoling to say to you all. I agree with Patricia – time does not heal.I still use the words ‘us’ and ‘our’ in my conversation. That’s how its always been and I can’t change now.

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