January 2017 - Grief In Common

Sad vs. Suicidal: “Normal” vs. Complicated Grief

lonely-ghost-man-1142299-1279x852 When the grieving say that they don’t want to be “here” anymore you may wonder…what is the difference between being sad and being suicidal, or “normal” vs. complicated grief? Is it normal for someone who has lost a loved one to say (or think) that they don’t want to live anymore? That they not only can’t imagine a life without the person they’ve lost, but that they’re not at all interested in finding out?

Trying to assess what’s “normal” in grieving or whether a person is truly suicidal is no easy task, even for a trained professional.

You may be worried about a friend or loved one or you may be concerned for yourself. In trying to make this determination and whether more help is needed, consider the following:

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Caring for a Loved One: The Letter Every Caregiver Should Write

Life doesn’t come with a manual, and neither does caring for a loved one who is dying. And yet so many caregivers I’ve met follow such a similar pattern of behavior, it would almost seem that instructions had been written for them to follow.

It goes a little something like this:

tirelessly and selflessly care for a loved one for months and years on end
put aside all needs and wants, plans and prospects
feel tired and overwhelmed, yet grateful at the same time
immediately replace occasional feelings of resentment, with guilt
do this for as long as needed, until it is no longer needed
use newfound abundance of time following loved one’s loss to second guess and question every choice made while caring for loved one; cycle with guilt and regret indefinitely

Sound familiar? It’s human nature of course, to doubt and second guess ourselves when big things happen in our life, and to think maybe we could have done more, or perhaps we should have done something different.

But caregivers seem to do this at a whole different level. Maybe it’s because the choices they make are so big. Perhaps it’s because their end result (the loss of their loved one) is always a bad one.

What I do know is that hindsight is 20/20. Cliched maybe, but true. And the problem is that without realizing it, we take what we know now and apply it to what happened then.

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