Grieving the Relationship That Never Was

Grieving

Most of the grief articles and forums I see are dedicated to the loss of a beloved family member. Stories, poems and tributes to the loss of a loved one that are filled with declarations and promises of a love that will never be forgotten.

It’s easy from this to assume that every person lost is being mourned by a person they had a long, loving and meaningful relationship with. Even within bereavement groups it can be assumed that people will only take the time to attend and to grieve for someone they loved and will miss.

But grief, like life and our relationships themselves, can be much more complicated than that.

A different kind of loss

Relationships are complicated. People are complicated. Whether it’s family, a friend or a partner, it can be very hard to get along with each other, no matter how hard we try. We have expectations for the people in our lives, and they for us, and unfortunately these expectations don’t always match up. And of course this overly simplistic view for why we can’t always get along doesn’t even include the other factors that can challenge a relationship like mental illness, drug or alcohol abuse, family history, etc.

When we lose a person we had a complicated relationship with, the turmoil doesn’t necessarily leave with them. Because when they’re gone we lose not only the difficulties and challenges, we also lose the hope that things can ever be right between us.

I don’t care who you are, I think by nature most of us are optimistic. Especially when it comes to family and those we love, no matter how many times we may say or think, “I am done with this person, they are not good for me, and I can’t have them in my life anymore”, I believe there’s still within us even the smallest sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, someday….

And then “someday” disappears.

How do we reconcile the fact that there was never the chance to make things right? That the person we loved never became the person we hoped they would be, or showed for us the love we had always craved from them? What if their loss means there will never be a chance to say we’re sorry, or hear them ask for our forgiveness?

Losing and grieving for a loved one we had a complicated relationship with leaves the same void in our lives as other losses, but it can leave with it even more unanswered questions and unfinished business.

Finding understanding in grieving this type of loss is not always easy, as those around us may assume there is some reprieve or release after a challenging person in our life is gone. Would we find more support if we could find a way to explain to them the fact that we’re not only grieving a person we loved, but the relationship we never had or never will have?

And most importantly, how do we ever let go of the yearning we have to make things right?

Letting go may be one of the hardest things to do in grief. Like telling a person who is angry to “calm down”, it rarely works on suggestion alone. Letting go takes real work, real reflection, and an honest desire to move past what never was and move toward what can be.

It will involve time and patience, and perhaps most of all, finding compassion for ourselves and for the person who is gone. In trying to understand (perhaps better than ever before) who they were, where they came from and what contributed to their experiences and outlook on life we can gain a better understanding of them, ourselves… and what legacy we want to leave behind.


 

You are not alone, there are others who can relate and who feel the way you do. Connect with others  or visit our “See and Share Stories” page if you are finding it difficult to move forward or if you are wondering what now or what’s next.

8 thoughts on “Grieving the Relationship That Never Was”

  1. Such an enlightening article. It does speak to a very complicated relationship between me and my husband of almost 56 years. He died in March of this year and I also had to move within two months, and it’s been pretty rough since things have now slowed down. Many different feelings popping in and out. I am planning on attending a bereacement class starting in Sept. and I’m hopeful it will be a big help.

    Although our marriage had many ups and downs and some very difficult periods, I did love him. We married when I graduated high school so I went from my parents home to our home together and this is the first time I’ve lived on my own. All in all though I am managing and with my faith in God I know I’ll make it. Just need a little help along the way.

    1. Hi Lin.
      My husband passed away a year ago this month.
      When I read this I thought that we have a couple of things in common. I have never lived alone either.
      Like you, I lived at home with my parents and siblings until I married. We had 2 children and now 6 grand children, My life has always been full of family, so I knew that there was always someone home or coming home. There was always company, I think that’s why I enjoy socialising so much.
      I have many different feelings that pop in and out too..good and not so good. I’m told it’s quite a normal part of grieving. Like you,
      I decided to go to a bereavement councillor for help in understanding all this stuff that flies around my head. I also have faith in God. My latest thoughts? Why do you want me to be on my own God…What good can it do?
      I don’t feel lonely but I do feel very much alone. On asking a friend if this gets any easier, she replied, I can’t say it gets easier, but as time passes you handle it differently.

    1. Sorry for your loss Lin,
      I am struggling with the sudden passing of my mom, she was my rock, and she done a lot for me, we were very close. I was the only daughter, and granddaughter, so mostly everything was done for me in my life by my mom ,grandmother, and grandfather. They were my whole family. I’m completely alone now, no more family and only my husband. thank God I have him.I to went straight from my mom’s to my husband’s home, which in today’s society can not be so good. I’ve never lived on my own, and i’m struggling with the everyday tasks that most know how to handle, was handled for me. i’m only in my early 40’s, and i’m not well, so i cannot get out like others, so that makes it worse. I just hope i can find peace, and the help i need to move through this very tramatic time. once again, thank you for sharing, because until we look around and find people who have lost, most people dont understand, and won’t take the time to care, for more than a few minutes at best, and they expect you to be over it. its frustrating. God bless you!

  2. The problem I have with grief, is that grief is the tearing away of the emotional attachment we ( I have) have with another person. That is what loss actually is in my opinion. However, you cannot grieve that which you never had? if you had a non relationship with your brother or sister or father or mother. If you werent close & loving, if they didnt really care about you then there cannot be a sense of loss as such. Cannot be real grief. Grief is the loss of the attachment but if there was never any attachment then there is nothing to grieve. BUT that makes life even more difficult because once a person is gone, we are left struggling to make sense of their absence. They leave a void, a space, a silence. That silence is then full of questions about what happened & why or what might have been. Its easy to full that void with what might have been’s, easy to fantasize about that person. Eventually one still has to let go and move on with one’s life. Self forgiveness is vital, compassion for one self is essential otherwise we wont heal.

  3. after 14 yrs. of living to gether; my significant other took his life and I was in charge of stopping life support. he had been an alcoholic, but when he took meth for 2 yrs., inspite of my denial; he became very abusive; where I had to throw him out and take out protective orders on him. ignoring the orders; I took him back to court and the judge enforced them even harder; because I’m disabled. 2 nights later; he shot himself; with no note he was in denial about his drug use; and so was his family. in fact; some family members blamed his death on me. this was almost 4 yrs. ago; and I’m still grieving. I had asked God to remove him from my life, and the next thing I knew; he was gone. he haunts my dreams; and I can’t move forward and still feel attached to him. sorry for the long post; but I haven’t found any other griever who has been thru what I did. I have allot of guilt; that I couldn’t save him from himself. I’ve even moved out of state; to start a fresh;;; no reminders. why am I still stuck in the ccu; where I had to say good bye. I did forgive him before he took his last breath and held him in my arms. ie; I let him go. or; so I thought. I don’t even have his ashes; because I felt a clean break was the answer. thanks for listening and sharing.

  4. I joined a Facebook Group that is a bit irreverent. Some days the leader is up and funny and other days he is down, but overall it seems to be a good group and it has helped me with the grief aspect of this change. I tried counselors and local groups, but they just weren’t for me after our 36 yrs together and 5 yrs by myself. Grief is strange and evolves for each individual. There is nothing fixed about grief that helps as far as I’ve found.

  5. I lost my significant other last week after 13 years. He was considerably older than I was, and to say that he was difficult is an understatement. He came into the relationship with a lot of baggage that often played out in verbal abuse, or just plain erratic moods of joy, mixed with an inability to feel joy, with anger. He had also not had a relationship that had ever really lasted well for longer than a year, although he was a pillar in the community who was regarded as one of the kindest and most generous people anyone had ever known (which was also true). The contradiction was maddening because, when we were in sync, life was magical, and it was often enough for me to keep hanging on hoping that it would become the norm.

    Those who really knew him knew that he had his issues with self-loathing and lack of confidence that often caused him to assault the very things he loved, but with me, he seemed to come around … and worked very hard to overcome old patterns, although it was not 100% of the time. All his closest friends applauded me and told me I had transformed his life into one where he could finally enjoy some happiness. While he was sometimes erratic with me, he was going around the city telling everyone I was the greatest thing that had ever happened to him.

    Sounds like the old abusive relationship story, doesn’t it? And it was … and it wasn’t… He could be magnificent for months on end, which often gave me the belief that I really had gotten the formula for “getting it right.” And even if I understood that the problems in the relationship were not mine, I still plunged myself into doing everything I could to make his life at least a little bit better, because that, in turn, made me feel better about myself.

    But as he got older and began to decline further both physically and mentally, he required more and more attentiveness that he literally pushed away while at the same time requiring it to even be alive.
    He lost impulse control on anger and agitation, and in some respects, stopped trying to fight it even when it caused me harm. It was torture for me, and the more I tried to help, the angrier he got at his fate and at me. He both said that he could not live without me and did not want me around to see him old, ornery, and decrepit. He could not be with me or even engage with me unless he was feeling okay, which was starting to be never and he kept telling me I needed to be “understanding,” even though I don’t know what that meant. Not be angry when he said mean things? Not try to take care of him when he was unresponsive to all my attempts?
    Each day he focused on how everyone’s solution was for him to die and that he did not deserve me or to be alive. All efforts to try to get him the help he needed psychologically were beaten back, and neither his doctor nor his children thought things were “that bad.”

    He passed away from heart failure, and although I might not have been able to do much about that had he “let me in” more, I might have, or I might have been able to somewhat supervise a plan for making his mental and physical health better along the way. And I get that not letting me in was his problem and not mine, but here I am devastated by his death while still feeling outraged about the amount of effort I put in that never resulted in the more loving/reciprocal relationship I wanted to achieve. I have so many people telling me to find comfort in the positive, and to take comfort in the fact that I gave him happiness and support that he otherwise would not have had, but all I can focus on is how hard I tried and how little reward I feel right now. And, of course, I am devastated by his absence as well … I don’t know what to do with myself. I was with him every day all day for the last week of his life. There actually seem to be some hope, but I think he gave up when he sensed that even if he recovered, he would be a physical and financial burden. He told me it was best for everyone if he died and that I was the only true good thing he had ever had in his life. I am all over the place with unresolved emotions about what was and what never could be.

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