Loss of my husband of 25 years

The love of my life, my soulmate, my everything. Had been sober over 15 years. Taking methadone still, mainly for pain associated with 4 back surgeries. About a year ago got a strange rash and started taking Benadryl. Working nights was hard, so he began taking it to sleep then taking it everyday.that night I thought he had a heart attack. Just got the results back, it was an overdose of methadone mixed with a huge amount of Benadryl. I’m broken, I feel guilty, I feel angry I feel lost. I thought maybe this would help.

 

Tuukkasmith,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I was born in Bangor, Maine, live in Lewiston now, graduated from EL. But I have lived all over the world too.

Being with your husband for two and a half decades represents over half your life. So you both grew in life together. I too was married for 42 years and lost Nadine to cancer. When a person has been with you for so long, your heart, my heart being ripped to pieces when we lose them. The reason isn’t as important as to what they meant to both of us.

He was your life, like she was mine. When I faced each day, it was her, my sons, as I am sure it was the same for you. When he became sick of course you panicked, I did as well. You wanted your old life back as did I. If I could have swapped places with Nadine I would have, but life has a way of taking some choices away from us.

God, the sickness each of our spouses had. Nadine was on the liver transplant list 3 times only to be removed the final time when the cancer came back with a passion. Our heart was broken. You had to face him succumbing to life and its harsh outcomes with no good answers. I have asked so many questions, why her, why not me, and I guess we will never have that answer, but I will tell you one day when I face God, I will want to know the why.

Please don’t feel guilty. It happened. We are not ever going to know if either of us could have changed the outcome, and only speculating will resolve nothing and just make you and me feel worse.

Just talking with others, like you are, helps some. Sure it won’t take the hurt away, but it will help us face another day. I know when I look in my son’s eyes, they look to me for so much, but I sometimes wonder if I have the perseverance for them, for me, and tomorrow.

Tuukkasmith, you just take each day slowly, I will do the same. When you feel bad, and you will, you will want to release those emotions you have inside, please do so, cry, in private or in public and don’t ever worry what others think, it is natural, it is how we each come to terms with our losses.

Take care. Be mindful of your well being. Watch out for depression. This is my actual account of depression I faced and overcome https://www.griefincommon.com/threads/depression.1785/


You are not alone. So allow yourself to talk. To cry. To be as open as your heart will allow. Be safe.


-david


A song of our love for our spouses. It may make you cry.