I feel so lost without my mom!

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by Nad1234, Dec 14, 2018.

  1. Nad1234

    Nad1234 New Member

    I lost my mom almost 3 months ago to cancer. We had about 2 weeks from the time she was diagnosed! My mom took her last breath in my arms. I’m glad I comforted her til the end but I can’t get that memory out of my head. My support system sucks! Everyone was great the first couple of weeks but now I don’t hear from anyone. I’ve basically shit myself out from everyone anyway. My boyfriend is never here and that’s a whole other mess of problems and I don’t know if I should even be with him anymore but I’m trying not to make any decision while I’m still grieving! I feel angry, lonely, just miserable all the time! I don’t sleep good and just don’t know how to cope anymore! I feel like a piece of me died with her!
    jt74 likes this.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Nad, I'm so sorry for your loss. Three months is really no time at all. It's hard because to those around you, they may expect you to be doing better, but those who have gone through it know just how long it takes to adapt to a loss. Moms are such an important part of our lives, she has always been there, you've never had to live without her, so how are you supposed to know how to do that in such a short time? I'm sorry it feels like your support system is failing you. People do move on with their own lives very quickly and I think after a certain point they just don't know what to say or do any longer. I think grief can scare those around us. They feel helpless and inadequate and I think they just want us to go back to the way we used to be. Of course you're thinking, well I'd like that to! But you know it's not that easy. We do lose a piece of ourselves when we lose a person we love. And for the short term especially, grief can bring with it so many signs and symptoms that make us someone we don't even recognize. We have a lot of articles on our blog about loss and I'm including a few that I think can be a help:
    I'm glad you've found us and hope we can be a support. Please take care~
    jt74 likes this.
  3. Ashelina

    Ashelina New Member

    I am 29, recently graduated medical school. I just started to go on interviews for residency. Then, my mom starts having chronic insomnia, odd mood issues, balance and memory problems..... Only 2 months later, she can't swallow, see or speak. By that time, brain biopsy concluded CJD, which is untreatable. She dies 2 weeks later at hospice. No closure. I don't even know if she ever knew she was dying. we were so close. She was my main supporter. She was by my side throughout my entire education. She always had advice and made sure I was okay. It is so scary to not have her anymore. We were so similar. No one thinks like me as much as she did. I always thought she would be there for me, when I start my career, get married, have babies, buy my first house.... I just can't believe she won't be there for those stepping stones in my life. My dad isn't the same. I live with my boyfriend, who is super supportive and helpful, but it wasn't his mom who died, so he could never fully understand what I am going through. I wake up nearly every morning with anxiety and stress-related nausea. Back when I worked (I quit), I was vomitting every morning. I think I am getting better now, especially since I don't do much except go on reisdencu interviews every other week or so. Even that takes a lot out of me. My mother was strong, and so am I. She taught me well so I know I will get through this, but right now I am at a loss. It had been a month and half since she died. She died Halloween weekend.
  4. Cathy Tumlin

    Cathy Tumlin Member

    I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your Mom. I know how you're feeling, I lost mine right before Thanksgiving. She had Alzheimer's so it was a much longer time of knowing she would be gone. I can't imagine having it all happen as fast as it did in your Mom's case. One thing that helps me a little is to think of what I would have asked of her and ask her in my head. Sort of like "Ok Mom, how do I handle THIS one???" I know she isn't answering, but it helps me to think about what she probably would say if she was still here. And I feel like she can still hear me on a spiritual level. It seems a little odd, but it has been a comfort to me. You are a strong woman and I know your Mother is watching over you and sending her love. Hold on, don't tell yourself you should be at a certain level of grieving by now, and know that I will pray for you as I pray for myself. Feel free to vent to me any time. You CAN get through this!!! Also you might want to think about looking into essential oils that can help stress. If you do that, make sure you buy from a reputable company like DoTerra or Young Living so you can be assured you are not getting fake oils like they sell in some stores or online. I use Copaiba, Frankincense and Lavender a lot. DoTerra also has various blends that might help. It's not an immediate cure, but over time, it does help with the anxiety. At least it has for me.
    jt74 likes this.
  5. Olivia2015

    Olivia2015 New Member

    Nad, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. I held my mom as she took her dying breath as well. I understand the flashes of images. It’s too much at times. I’m glad you’re in this support group and I hope you find what you need. My husband never liked my mom and therefore thinks I shouldn’t have any sadness related to her death, but he wasn’t there during her last days and didn’t see or feel what happened. My mom died 12/26/2018 and I relate to feeling like people think you should be okay already. It feels like everyone else stopped for a moment to give hugs and share condolences and then moved on with their lives and that I’m stuck in that moment. Like I can’t move forward. I’d like to say things like it gets better and all that, which I’m sure it does. But I’m stuck right in the middle, or maybe beginning, of the grieving process. I feel sick and anxious and desperately sad and lonely. I’m here to support you on that level, that I get how much it sucks right now. And it’s okay to grieve for as long as you need, regardless of what other people might think. You have people here who understand what you’re experiencing. Much love your way <3
  6. jt74

    jt74 Member

    I lost my mom 3 years ago last month, and now I understand why cultures from other countries have a long custom of grieving. I took one week off to plan funeral and was back to work, and had no idea how much grief work was ahead. Some days I'm ok, and other days it feels like it just happened. Everyone that you encounter does not know that you lost the most important person in your world, and some days I expected the world to stop (because my world did), but it didn't stop...so I had to limp along and try to get back into the rat race we call life. The grays, the fog, the forgetfulness- it becomes all too much, and it's hard accepting my new normal. Sometimes I want to apologize to people that I met because I think "I wish they knew me before this happened" because I was a more fun & spontaneous person. That's a struggle, too, trying to learn to live without my best friend, my mom. She knew life without me, but I hadn't known life without her, until now. And it's true, everyone else has their time table and expect you to be "over it", but it's important to have your own time table because grief is so individual.
    My mom died from complications of COPD. I'd spoken to her many times about quitting, but because we talked almost every day, I didn't want all of our conversations to be asking her to quit. I also had to learn that as much as you want others to quit smoking (or other things), they won't until they're ready. I also told her how much we all needed her, but she was unable to quit the habit. My mom lost her mom at 14 years of age so I no longer judge some of the decisions that she made because she was pain herself.
    This is my first time in a forum like this so it helps to know that there are others who know how I feel.
  7. jt74

    jt74 Member

    I think it's normal to feel like a piece of you died with her because your mom is a huge part of your world. So sorry you feel that way. It's tough, and there's no instruction manual- it sucks in every way imaginable. Just do what is right and healthy for you- massage, music, meditation, or just allow yourself the space to cry.
  8. capecodblackdog

    capecodblackdog New Member

    I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. I lost my Mom 4 months ago yesterday. She battled cancer for 3 1/2 years. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer 6 months after she retired. I am so angry, sad, hurt, confused, and lost. I cry everyday...not just for me, but for my kids. Time has stopped right where they are... she will never see them grow up. We were all so close, I shared everything with my Mom... and now nothing. I was fortunate to be with her when she took her last breath, and that is the only image that I seem to be able to see. I can't seem to get past this.