VALERIEVALERIEVALERIEVALERIEVALERIVALERIEVALERIEVALERIE VALERIEVALERIEVALERIEVALERIEVALERIEVALERIEVALERIEVALERIE I Hurt so bad! Every day... I can't/won't heal! I want to HEAL! for you! Why did you Die! I couldn't save you! I'm sorry sorry sorry! If I were a good "Hobe" (husband) I would have SAVED YOU! Chief! Where are YOU! I can't deal with Kancer! I can't deal with death! I am a F*ked up f**** mess and no one gets it! (I know GIC people do) I was good right?... I don't know anything! F****g DNA gave me Kidney Disease Gave you Kancer... took you away from me... made you vomit up Black death in the night.. buckets upon buckets of fetid Kancer Juice. I stroked your back.. held your hand as the merciless black wings of time took you away.. I miss your smile. I miss YOU! I HATE DNA DEATH IS MY FAULT cuz I suck so much! No-one wants to live around me... You all F***g Die! I Hate It! Art Against Kancer.. my dream, my goal... how? cuz no-one cares who hasn't gone through this HELL!
First I want to send a Bigggg virtual hug. I no you are just venting but I want to assure you that None of it is your fault. Sounds like you were a very loving husband being by her side comforting her while she was sick. Im.sure she appreciated it. You're right though people that havnt been through the same type loss don't get it. They think we should me one on and be over it by now but I don't think it's a loss we'll ever get over. I think we just become stronger to deal with it better. Praying you continue to get stronger.
Thank you so much for your loving words! I KNOW what you are saying -in my rational brain! Unfortunately grief and emotional pain are not at all rational. My therapist goes on about letting go and not looking back... He is so full of BS! He does not get IT! Why do I keep going... I don't have anything else really... I will get stronger! I don't know when! Much love and Hugz!
Oh George! No words! I feel your pain and know you’re pain. Nothing sucks like this pain, nothing. None of this is your fault but I do wish each one of us had miracle magic powers to save our loved ones. It’s not your fault but I understand the blame game you have going on in your mind. Today, Labor Day is my birthday. It’s still so tough! The missing is even stronger on these days. He’s been visiting me more often in recent days. It does help. My daughter took me to a James Taylor concert yesterday for my birthday. The theater on the ocean with an awesome orange moon. It was a nice evening but kept thinking how much Ron would love being there with us. Everything is bittersweet. George all your friends here know exactly what you’re feeling. Sending you loads of love and hugs!! Robin
Brother George, slept later this Labor Day, and checked in with GIC, like I always do. I never know what to expect. If there's a new member, like Cheryl Lynn, I welcome and comfort that person. Your cry of anguish, including guilt, beginning in capital letters, truly shocked me. You have said these words about Valerie's horrible, slow death from KANCER, as you put it, previously,but it bears repeating. I think you purposefully , and understandably, change the spelling, as a way of trying to distant yourself from it.Your guilt that you were not able to "save"Valerie, is common among us Grief Warriors. Jonathan Santlofer talked about his guilt over not "saving" his wife of 40 yrs, Joy, in his book, The Widower's Notebook, a memoir. All I can tell you, brother, is that November will mark the 5th anniversary of Linda's death. I miss her every day, but my grief counselor, who I saw after Linda died, persuaded me I did all I could to "save" Linda. The important thing is that somehow,no matter what state either Valerie or Linda were in, they knew we were there for them. Lou
Robin. Let me wish you a Happy Birthday on this Labor Day holiday, though " happy mixed with sad" , a phrase you used when I first "met" you after my good friend, DEB, talked about you & your concept Your description of the setting for the James Taylor concert,by the ocean, with an orange moon, sounds so peaceful and beautiful. I remember seeing James Taylor's picture , when he had really long hair , on one of my record albums,when I was in college. Years later, Linda , who loved his music, had many of his CDs. Fast forward to Linda's small funeral, with a few people she didn't know. The funeral director asked me before the funeral what kind of music Linda liked, and I said slow, soft songs. At the funeral, he surprised me by playing Taylor's You've Got a Friend. There wasn't a dry eye in the place. Try to enjoy the rest of your day, as Ron would have wanted for you....Lou
George, I feel your pain, your crying out, your screaming, I understand that nobody gets it if they haven't been through this themselves. I actually get the feeling that "so- called" friends/acquaintances avoid me and shy away, afraid of talking to me just in case I even mention my C! Three years for them is a long time, for me it isn't, it seems like yesterday, I relive that day every single day of my life. I'm losing him every single second, not just that day. Having your soulmate suddenly, drastically taken away is not something we "get over"! Thank God for this site, we have each other here to release our emotions and find empathy and support. I'm sending you a GIANT comfort hug. Rose
Happy birthday Robin, what a lovely gift from your daughter, taking you to that concert. I've always loved the way James Taylor sings and plays Carole King's "You've got a friend". That song makes me teary-eyed now, because it reminds me of who I've lost, my C wasn't just my husband, he was also my best friend, my everything, always there for me. We chatted about anything, with that special familiarity, intimacy, reading each other's minds, reading facial expressions, sharing the same old jokes and funny expressions that nobody else but us could understand. I'm sure you all know what I mean. Robin, I can imagine that beautiful atmosphere you describe and I understand the sadness you felt that Ron would have loved being there with you. I had the same feeling about my C, when I went to that concert I told you all about, with my son and daughter. It's so, so tough but we will make it by gaining strength from our beloved soulmates who will forever be in our hearts, wherever we are. A hug to you. Rose.
Happy Labor Day to my wonderful friends. I didn't know you celebrated it on the first Monday of September. In the UK it was the first Monday of May, but here in Italy we celebrate it May 1st. Hugs to you all. Rose.
Rose I teared up at your post because your right it does seem like a long time for people.that don't get it. Like I told George they think we should've moved on by now. I still.mourn for me and my kids. My son has his moments where he just bursts out cries and wishes his dad was here. I try talking to my brother about it cause I feel that he's the closest father figure my son has in his life but he'll say he must saw a picture or heard someone talk about him. I told him none of that has to happen for him to miss his dad. Being able to talk to people that get it makes a difference. Praying for all of our strength.
Wow Lou, I've just mentioned that song too, in my post to Robin! I can imagine how hard it must have been for you hearing them play a song which happened to be from one of Linda's favourite singers. I'm so grateful to my C for transmitting his passion for playing musical instruments, I'm finding that playing the piano and singing are very good grief outlets, soothing for my mind, keeping me sane. I'm sure your dancing is a good outlet for you too, Lou. Rose
It is absolutely not your fault! I’m sending you comfort and hugs. I’m so sorry for everything that Valerie went through, and I am so sorry that you are feeling this pain. I understand that guilt, but please trust me when I say that you have no reason to feel guilty. I get it . I feel it too, but when I hear you cry out I know that you’re not responsible. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this unbelievably strong pain and sadness right now! I’m sending you an enormous bubble of love and strength across the distance, and a huge HUGE hug. I’m so sorry that you have lost Valerie!
Hey Lou of Volta... I know I did not kill her! (In the rational part of my brainPan) I was kind and caring... Holy Day weekends are the worst cuz everybodiez out freakin and joltin and partying... And I am so alone. I know I'm not doing as good these daze cuz of my son leaving to live his own life... Cuz I'm in this little Aparatamant instead of my big house. You were lucky my friend to have a good grief counselor... not going on about BibleJesus platitudes! Too m the Grief is The Beast that circles and surfaces in the loneliest of times! Thanks for listening and caring... Shake a Leg of Thundarr on the danceFloor Bro!
Alone, at night, the Trauma comes at me bleating like an Iron Demon... I know I was not really responsible for her Evil Kancer Death... but I miss her and our life together! HUGZ back at ya!
I know those demons. I’m sometimes wondering why I lived, because I know Steve would be better than I am at this living alone thing. I’m so sorry that you are living without Valerie. It well and truly sucks like nothing else has ever sucked. Hugs ❤️
I can relate, I don't have brothers or sisters but I still have both my parents, and I have given up expecting them to understand what I'm going through. They try, but like you say, we can only confide with people in our shoes. Me and my children always talk about their dad, what he'd say in a particular situation, what he'd do, what he would be thinking, making decisions based on what he would have suggested, but we don't share our feelings, that is still too hurtful. My heart breaks hearing about your son bursting out, they are so young to have to go through this but they will give you strength and comfort. You have a part of your beloved in them. I'm sending you a big virtual hug to you and your children. Rose
