Grief Self-Study Now Available! Visit Online Support section for more information

Why?????

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Harley1, Sep 29, 2020.

  1. Harley1

    Harley1 Member

    I lost my husband 6 months ago.
    We were together 35 years. He was perfect or close to perfect as could be since they say no ones perfect. But seriously he was! He was the kindest sweetest loving man. He would do anything for anyone! And he was always doing something for someone.
    It was a Thursday and he was going to work.
    He worked 2nd shift. 3-11. He would pull around the corner from his work place on a dead end street and have a cigarette before going in. He would just park there and sit in his car.
    He did this everyday. Well on this particular day a car ran a stop sign and plowed into his car head on killing him instantly. The other car was going 98 mph. Why ? Why would somebody being drive this fast on a side street? Why did he have to kill my husband? Why ?
    I loved this man and was the luckiest girl in the world to have him! I miss him everyday and just want him back. This is so hard. I just feel like I’m in a fog and go through the emotions of living every day. But am I living because it sure don’t feel like it.
    We have 2 wonderful children and a new grandson that my husband couldn’t even meet! He was living for that day to see him and was cheated on that.
    I have so much anger so much anger that this happened to him. He was to good of a man to be gone.
    So why why is he?
     
    Kathleen 56 likes this.
  2. HW2927

    HW2927 Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. It is terrible what happened and I feel your pain when you ask Why. My beloved husband passed away unexpectedly in August and I too am in a fog - can’t function and ask why, why did he have to die? Like your husband, mine was also a good person. He was my whole life. Please know you are not alone. I have a grief counselor which has helped me a little bit. So sad. I pray for you.
     
  3. Harley1

    Harley1 Member

    Oh thank you so much for reaching out. I’m so sorry for your loss too. This is just so unbearable. I try to keep busy all day long and the day’s go on forever.
    I still feel like he’s coming home but he never walks through the door. I never knew there could be this much pain.
     
  4. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my fiancee 6 months ago. I also.keep expecting him to through the door. This is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. We have two small.kids and at times I feel I mourn for them and me. I pray that we both continue to get stronger mad get to a better place.
     
    @APPY likes this.
  5. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    We have no answer to why our loss has occurred. Anger has been a issue for many who lost their loved one. I am sorry for your loss. My daughter also was murdered and I am angry. It seems to simmer like a volcano and erupt. The pain is so overwhelming you will get on your knees and beg for help. You have a terrible loss and I am so sorry. The pain is real. I hope you have some body to help you during that time. My grandsons were my solace and they lost their mother. This is a good place to start and reach out to other people in your position. There is not one excuse for the person driving the car to go so fast and reckless. Why is he gone. I have no answer. I can listen as many do here. We will try to guide you through this grief. My thoughts of you and your family are with me today. Much support to you. Many people have the same feeling of being lost and not knowing how to live. Or why. Have you tried therapy? Or someone who has been through the same thing. They understand. Myself I can’t remember the first year. Bless you and your family. Peace.
     
  6. Harley1

    Harley1 Member


    I’m very sorry for your loss too.
    Your so right about it being a pain you wouldn’t wish on anyone. I feel horrible you have small kids that will not know their dad as they grow up. This is so unfair. Do you mind me asking what happened to him? This is all new to me . I don’t know if that’s an inappropriate question or not.
    I will pray for you too!!
     
    Kathleen 56 likes this.
  7. Harley1

    Harley1 Member

    [QUOTE="Kathleen 56, post: 14378, member: overwhelming you will get on your knees and beg for help. You have a terrible loss and I am so sorry. The pain is real. I hope you have some body to help you during that time. My grandsons were my solace and they lost their mother. This is a good place to start and reach out to other people in your position. There is not one excuse for the person driving the car to go so fast and reckless. Why is he gone. I have no answer. I can listen as many do here. We will try to guide you through this grief. My thoughts of you and your family are with me today. Much support to you. Many people have the same feeling of being lost and not knowing how to live. Or why. Have you tried therapy? Or someone who has been through the same thing. They understand. Myself I can’t remember the first year. Bless you and your family. Peace.[/QUOTE]

    thanks for reaching out. I am truly sorry about your daughter. Losing a child has to be like losing a part of your body. Yes I’m still in that angry period. I feel the only thing that gives me some sort of peace and this is going to sound horrible and I’ve never said it out loud is the guy who hit my husband is dead too. Wow I actually said it. I’m just lost and wandering day to day not knowing what to do without him.
    I haven’t spoken to any therapist. I just found this and I thought I would start here
     
    Kathleen 56 likes this.
  8. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    Harley1 you have to express your feelings to help your self. I know anger well. Many people feel great anger and it’s part of the grief process. I find most people don’t know or want to know what you are going through. I am 3 years out and I have many bad days. Do you have any body who can help or at least listen. I have walked my path alone with so much criticism. It’s my right to be angry. Cry and miss my daughter. It’s your right to feel like you do. Finding yourself lost and wandering is not unusual. You are now in a different circumstances. Maybe a small walk to help. Call a friend. I am still lost and trying to find my way. Helping others helps me. You are not alone. Welcome
     
  9. Harley1

    Harley1 Member

    You are so right on people don’t want to really know how I feel. The people at his wake saying let me know if I can do anything for you but the funny thing is I haven’t heard from any of them. And it’s not like they can do anything but it would be nice if they dropped a kind word like thinking of you or something. You really know who your friends are when something like this happens.
    You are a very kind person to reach out to others who are hurting when you have so much pain too.
    I appreciate everything your saying to me. Heck I appreciate you reached out!
     
  10. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    People find any excuse not to reach out. I had to have a closed coffin. Krystal’s face was severely damaged. I know she would not wanted people to see her like that. Boy did I get asked about it. And talked around my back. A very good friend and old friend has cut me off. Stupid Facebook unfriended some people. I think it’s a excuse not to communicate with me any more. I don’t live in that world any more. I am just trying to survive my new reality. So are you. You are not the same person. You have lost your love ❤️. Now you have to try to find your self again. Maybe you will bounce back. Maybe it will take a while. But there are other people in the same place. Just come here and let us know how you are. I am sorry for your pain and loss. I will listen.
     
  11. Harley1

    Harley1 Member


    I also had to have a closed coffin for my husband. And I did get a lot of talking behind my back for it too. I didn’t care on that because I didn’t even know who that was in the coffin. I swore it wasn’t him and he would be walking in the place saying hey!!!
    If you don’t mind me asking what happened to your daughter?
    I really love the way you put things into words like
    I need to learn how to survive my new reality .
    Find myself again.
    I think you would of made a great therapist.
    What do you do?
    Thanks for listening to me and responding
     
    Kathleen 56 likes this.
  12. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    I am a retired LPN. Working in Juvenile Justice for 21 years. Provided care of victims of human trafficking. I was very good with the victims. My belief is I was a born healer. If I help you then I am happy. You should never have to go this alone. Krystal was a fast driver. Always had speeding tickets. But she grew up and paid her fines. Well she was pulled over and arrested for missing a court date. They put her in the county jail on June 21 2017. No phone call given. Next morning she was dead. June 22. Dead for many hours and severely beaten. I received the phone call that morning. Her husband (so called) could not be found. Autopsy report said heart attack. Her body was such a mess. No Rape kite done. That’s the first thing you do when a female dies in jail. The sheriff goes on the news announcing she died of a overdose. Toxicology shows no drugs except what was prescribed. Her children heard the news at school. I had to deal with them. Finding her husband. Then fighting for her body to bury. After a month I finally was able to see her rested. Of course the husband refused to pay a dime. I am still paying for her resting place. We are Catholic and she is in the same cemetery as my parents. That gives me some peace. Her husband refused to sign power to attorney so I couldn’t hire a lawyer. He is not the father of the kids. That’s my story and my grief was delayed. I had to work and help support her children. Their father works but pay was low. So I pay for her burial. The kids needs. Still try to help when I can. Her grave is unmarked. I know where she is. That’s important to me. And husband will not be buried with her when time comes. He has had 3 children since her death. Hopefully this is not too much for you. It’s my story. Thank you for asking. Nobody does.
     
  13. Harley1

    Harley1 Member

    Oh your an earth angel. That’s what I call people who care for people. Oh I bet you have seen a lot in your life doing that job. Yes I believe your a born healer.
    How old was Krystal? My kids had there fair share of those darn speeding tickets too.
    This is a horrible thing that happened to your daughter. How could they not give her that phone call? That could of saved her. This justice system of ours really does suck. How they can get away with what they said about Krystal when you know it was all lies. It’s not fair that you lost her but then what you went through with all the lies and unconcerned police. It’s just horrible. The poor kids hearing that at school. I mean to go through just a death is so hard but you had so many obstacles to deal with. I’m surprised you function.
    What an awful man her husband was/is
    Do you get to see the grand kids a lot?
    Does that help?
    I’m glad Krystal is with your parents. That’ has to be comforting .
    It’s your story and I’m glad you shared some with me
    So bless you!!!
     
  14. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    Earth angel. I like that. Krystal was 39. I moved to Myrtle Beach for many reasons. I did see her children every day. They always were at my house. Her daughter is married and moved away. She has no contact or very little with me. She did not attend the service. I don’t know why but the 2 boys were Pall bearers. They never saw their mother again. I see the struggle but their father doesn’t believe in grief. Get over it and be a man. Denial for sure. Both sons are graduates from high school. Struggling to get by. I send money often. They are upset about the house but it was out of my hands. My father never updated the will and he gave me the down payment. I paid him back fully. I was forced out of my house of 35 years. It was sold and money given to my siblings. I don’t speak to my siblings except 1 sister who stood up for me. So I needed to relocate for a new beginning. It’s not easy and I am very lonely. But I still try each day to be human. The boys are a bandage. But I still suffer daily. I can’t remember the first year. I have one person who I talk to. My husband is on palliative care. Stage 4 lymphoma. When he is no longer here I will go back. I have another daughter whom is a addict and struggling. And I fear for her. She has 3 boys who I talk with often. 2 came for the summer. That helped but I have problems functioning. That’s another reason I understand you. Plus I do still care about people. Every person at some time needs help. My hands are open to them.
     
  15. Harley1

    Harley1 Member

    Well you haven’t had it easy that’s for sure. So earth angel is true then. It sounds like you could just give up on everything but yet you still make time to help people and listen to them. I’m sorry to hear about your husband. That has to be hard going through that now too. And your other daughter must really worry you. You must be one strong woman because you have a lot on your plate. I’m sure like me you never saw your life looking like this.
    You said your Catholic I am too. Is your faith strong? Does that help? I wish I was more into the church than I am. I wonder if it would help.
    It sounds like we’re just going through the motions of life. Like a spectator watching but not living it or involved. I have 2 sisters one who is my best friend and one really good friend that I talk to so I’m grateful for that.
    You said the boys were a bandage and that really is how I feel about a lot of things. It covers some stuff up but it’s always there. The sadness the devastation the hurt. I guess this is our new life we have to figure out how to navigate through.
    I’m really not liking it......
     

    Attached Files:

    Kathleen 56 likes this.
  16. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    Harley1 I am very spiritual and believe in my faith. But I also have other beliefs that help me. Strong women have to be made. I bend in wind like a tree. Then I straighten up and try to hold my head up. I believe holding your head towards and into the storm will help you. The weight of my loss is the wind. I will be staining to get back straight. Not easy but it needs to be done. Remember you are a role model to children. They need you no matter what age they are. I am not going to forgive my siblings but karma is a bitch. The man who killed your husband will pay one way or another. You suffered a huge loss and are in pain. You don’t know what or who you are. The path is difficult to find. But you will walk into it again. Your own way. Church can be sitting out side and looking at nothing. Looking at the flowers. Trees. Water. I recently discovered some songs that make me weep. Tears running down my face. But it’s purging the pain. You have to go through your own pain. Talking to people who care. Who listen and are compassionate helps. No judgement. You can’t judge a person who has been through hell. Try little things. One day do one thing for you. Go for a walk. Light a candle and watch the flame. I am looking for a hot air ballon ride. This will take me closer to my daughter. I wanted to let balloons go with a note to her. I guess they frown on that now. My husband has been fighting for 4 years now. He was supposed to die one week after diagnosis. I fought for him. The chemo was so strong they said it would kill him. I said give him a chance. You gave him a week. Do it. I signed off the paperwork and he had 24 hours of chemo. He was on and off for a year. Today he is a miracle. Weak but alive. We have to try. Wish you lived close enough to chat in person. So much to say. You are fighting for a path in your pain. Give it time. Remember I cannot recall the first year after Krystal’s death. Some things but not much. Be kind to your self. Yes grieving is not fun. It’s ok to miss your husband.
     
  17. Harley1

    Harley1 Member

    Wow you are amazing. I wish we lived closer to because I would love to hang out with you. You have so much inspiration.
    I do try harder because I do have two kids. They are older and I have one grandson. But I don’t want them to see me constantly sad either. We talk a lot about him when we’re together and that’s always nice. I do work which I think helps me immensely because I just pour myself into that. I try to keep as busy as possible because as soon as I’m still that’s when everything just comes pouring out. I love the idea about a hot air balloon ride however I could never do that because I would be too scared. It doesn’t seem like you’d be scared of anything.
    The man that killed my husband also died in that accident. At first I felt bad because I thought maybe it was a medical condition he had that made him do that. But then I found out he was just driving too fast and alcohol was involved. And as bad as it sounds and I know it’s bad I’m glad that his dead. You’re the first person I’ve ever said that to.
    I don’t mean to be nosy but why do you and your siblings not speak? Did I miss something on that? I to have a sibling a brother and we do not speak and I find that sad. I thought we would after this tragedy had happen but we don’t.
    So not only are you strong but you have a strong husband that’s amazing that he’s been holding on I love that.Does he still have to do treatments?
     
  18. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    My siblings are mean, selfish and unkind. After Krystal died and they sold my home it was enough. I did write about it but my responses are long. They never said to her children anything about her death. Not one word. The boys still talk about it. They can’t believe how awful they were. Then the house issue. The boys stayed with me and were pretty much destroyed by the loss. I am their port in a storm. My house was safe. Warm and loving. They only went to the dads on occasion. I am amazed that you can work. But I did for 2 years after Krystal died. As for the man who killed your husband. He will be punished. I know he will. If he had lived it would be in hell. Or prison. He is a selfish man who deserves what he did to you. Many people would disagree but I am strong in my opinion. My husband is done with treatment. Nothing else can be done. I take care of him. He really is a miracle. He drives Lyft every morning. And goes to bed when he gets home. He watches TV and sleeps. Eats what ever he wants. Talking with your grandchildren keeps his memory alive. Mine see me cry. I don’t hide it and they get it. The first summer on day I couldn’t stop crying. My one grandson called his brother. He came over and sat with me. Listening to my sobs and my pain. He was 19. They do love me. My husband has no idea or compassion for my pain. I think it’s the side effects of the chemo. Plus he is 80. I still cry anyway. I hope you are having a good day.
     
  19. Harley1

    Harley1 Member

    Wow your siblings are terrible. I cannot believe they didn’t say anything to the children. Are you sure they’re your siblings because you seem so kind and full of compassion that maybe you’re not related to them. The boys were so lucky to have you. I’m sure that really helped them having you.Yes I have to work because of the financials and because I think it does help keep me more sane. I think why I hide it from my kids is because when my father died that’s all my mom did was cry and it just tore me apart and I don’t want to put my kids through that. Even though they’re adults but still I guess I still kind of shield them. They know how sad I am now that’s quite obvious. I do like the way you think though about that man who killed my husband because I feel that way too. Yeah your husband really is a miracle I’m glad for you on that. Yeah I heard that chemo can really change a person. It’s good that you Don’t change who you are and still cry or do whatever you need to do. My day was OK kind of don’t like Fridays because then it’s the weekend and there’s just too much time on my hands. I’m babysitting my grandson tomorrow so that should keep me occupied and my daughter wants to take me out on Sunday.I hope yours was decent
     
    Kathleen 56 likes this.
  20. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    Yes the siblings are terrible. I am trying to travel to New York to see the boys. They’re anxious for me to come. I am trying. But you have to quarantine for 2 weeks. That’s a lot for a hotel room. I don’t have family to stay with. Plus New York comes to see you every day. lol. Try to enjoy babysitting. Friday’s do suck. Baby steps this weekend. I understand your feelings about your sons. You have to do it your way. Let me know how your doing . I am still trying to work out travel with this covid. I stay at home since the beginning. Be well my friend.