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Where do I start?

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by LLoney1711, May 10, 2021.

  1. LLoney1711

    LLoney1711 New Member

    I had a rough 10 year marriage, but there was love. His death took me by surprise. It took everyone by surprise. His mother handled the dealings with the funeral home. I still have to deal with the local PD investigation and with Social Security. I know he had life insurance, because his mother kept that current.
    I just feel so overwhelmed that I don't know where to start.
     
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  2. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    You can start by sharing your thoughts here with the forum and through that you will get support.

    Don't think about where to start just get through each day for now. My husband has been gone 6 months after 39 years of marriage, not all that good either, but love. So, I'm just trying to get through my days, some okay, some a disaster. The forum is really helping me not to feel so alone and to know my feelings are validated through them because they/we all have a connection and understand. Hope this helps.
     
    LLoney1711 likes this.
  3. LinF

    LinF Member

    Everything starts with the first step. I've taken to making a list of things I hope to accomplish for the week on Sunday or Monday. If I average one thing to scratch off a day, it's a good week. I miss my husband so much, and the past few years my days were all about taking care of him. Now there's nothing but memories to keep me going and taking care of the pets he loved so much. I do what I can when I can. The rest will have to wait. You have a lot of company, we're all in an altered reality right now, whether it's been a month or years since our loss. Hang in there, we have to have hope that things will get easier.
     
    LLoney1711 likes this.
  4. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    I haven't been out of my house for 1 week. It hasn't bothered me. But, then I knew I had to start the car so the battery wouldn't quit. Then my daughter took me to a coffee shop to get me out of the house. It's Sunday and another week coming up and I will try to do some things on my list. And I too, do what I can the rest can wait.

    My husband was jack of all trades, he could fix anything. He's gone now and I'm experiencing disasters around my house that he used to take care of. I have called my neighbors for help and I joke with them, "when are you moving in". Financially I can't afford to call someone every time little things happen, so that's a load I'm carrying. That's part of my grief losing my handyman. He was a landscaper and kept our 1 acre perfectly beautiful, but now things won't look the same. I'm going to try to keep his efforts watered, weeded, pruned and fertilized as well as I can. He would like that.
     
    LLoney1711 likes this.
  5. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Active Member

    My husband of 56 years died suddenly four months ago - we had a very good marriage and were best friends. My question is: When will the pain subside - I do pretty well on the days that I am busy but then will have a few days of crying and missing him so much. He was the cook so whenever I go in the kitchen, I break down. There are so many reminders. I have a large family living nearby and they are a wonderful support and am involved in activities and hobbies. Is it normal to be feeling so devastated after four months? Will it ever get better? I am in so much pain.
     
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  6. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Yes it is normal to be feeling so devatated after four months. Considering that against 56 years of attachment, it is a very short period. Grief is a walk that will continue on in your life for at least awhile, but it will get better. Your devastation is a result of your great love and attachment to your husband-it has left a void, but eventually you can begin to fill your life with other interests. Your loving him and missing him will always be there to some extent. You are now a different person and must give yourself the time you need to grieve him. If you will hold on and continue on, the pain will begin to lessen. God is a comfortor and can be there when no one else understands. He wants to help you. Chris
     
  7. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Active Member

     
  8. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Active Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I pray each morning that God will give me the strength to get through the pain of losing my husband. I am very blessed - several children and grandchildren who are a great support. My husband was a Godly man - I found him praying and thanking God for our lives the morning of the day he suddenly died. I know we will be reunited some day. It’s the day to day life that is so hard when he is not here. I read somewhere that “Grief is love with nowhere to go.” I was 19 when I married him 56 years ago - I’m not even sure who I am without him.
     
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  9. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Oh my. I can understand why you would feel that way. Actually you are a different person now. This great loss has had to have changed you. You will end up being your best. I know from reading this that you were married to a very good man-I think instead of making it easier that makes it even harder because he probably filled so many roles in your life. We would like it if we could keep everything the way it was or the way it is, but our only choice is to go on and learn how to cope with how life changes and the curve balls it throws at us. What a beautiful memory your husband left you of hearing him praying and thanking God for your lives. Yes, you will be reunited and I heard one time that this is the reason we grieve someone, because we will still remember them when we see them again.
     
  10. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Active Member

    Thank you. He died 4 months ago today. The day he died started off wonderfully. He brought me breakfast in bed and told me he was so thankful that God put us together. We talked for two hours about how wonderful and blessed our lives had been - we hugged. After he collapsed I was holding him waiting for the ambulance and I told him I loved him. His last words to me were “I love you more” I believe this was a gift from God. He died a few hours later at the hospital with his six children and 20 grandchildren around him.
     
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  11. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    I believe it definitely was a gift from God. What beautiful memories you can cling onto when life becomes overwhelming. Much of the teaching and instruction I got from my son was a gift from God. It helped me so much after he was gone and still does. I can use some of it to help others. I always wonder what I can do in remembrance of him. Other people sometimes do great noticeable projects after their loss. I just realized by talking with you that I guess this is what I do in remembrance of him: help others when I can. He always did that. What a precious soul he was to me. Like you, I believe I will see him again someday. My love for him is as strong as it ever was. I just wish I had understood better and helped him more that I did.
     
    cjpines likes this.
  12. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Active Member

    You have definitely helped me and I am sure you are helping lots of others. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son and the pain you have been through. I think reacting to a tragedy by helping others is the best thing we can do. Years ago I had a stillborn baby and the experience enabled my husband and I help to others who had the same experience. Bottom line the victory we can have from our tragedy is the decision to help others. I keep reminding myself to think of others but the process of grieving makes it harder.
     
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  13. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your wise words, Susan. It is almost impossible to help others during the time of your greatest grief. Right now, you are the one who deserves support from everyone else. You will have plenty of opportunities later when you have healed, to help others. For now, take good care of yourself. I appreciate your friendship. And you have helped me by allowing me to share my feelings. I was not allowed that at the time of grieving so even now it helps me to see things more clearly.
     
    SusanMc8 likes this.
  14. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Dear LLoney1711, I am so sorry for your devastating loss. Now is not the time to pressure yourself. Don't expect too much out of yourself for now. Just take things slowly and take good care of yourself. The grieving can affect your physical condition too, so I am wishing for you some tender loving care. Chris
     
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