LOOKING FOR A GRIEF GROUP? General Grief Support Tuesday July 6 at 2 pm EST - JOIN US!

When is it time

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by Andrea Howey, Sep 15, 2017.

  1. Andrea Howey

    Andrea Howey Member

    After 4yrs I have decided it was time to redo my bedroom . Turn it into my room , not mine and husbands room . But know the question is What do I do with my husbands stuff ? He doesn't need it no more , nor do I right ? When is it ok to be ok without his stuff . Do you pack it up and put it in the attic or throw it away or sell it in a rummage or donate it to your local Goodwill . Whats the right answer here , I have never been a widower before .
    Kata likes this.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Hi Andrea, I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here...although of course we always want to try and do the "right" thing. I think the "right" thing is whatever is right for you. Some people find the presence of clothes and belongings to be especially painful, while others are comforted by keeping these things for awhile. I think a balance is always a good idea when possible -picking out a few important things that really meant something and putting them someplace special, even on display or some place you can see them, and then donate the rest. Cleaning out is hard, and everything is going to take on its own important meaning once a loved one is gone. Try to think about what your loved one would say, what they would find important (or not so important) and in any way you can let them be your guide. I hope this is a help and I wish you all the best~
    Kata, Linda Gale, Wanda and 1 other person like this.
  3. Wanda

    Wanda New Member

    I agree, I lost my husband just over a year ago...I have never been a widow before either but there is no time frame or rules on when or how you get rid of your loved ones belongings..that sort of thing you do when YOU feel you are ready, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Keep the things that you want to keep. Remember that he will ALWAYS be in your heart and always with you...that is something that I believe and hang onto. One day at a time..sometimes I do one minute at a time...its the only way I get through.
  4. Andrea, no two people grieve the same way. It's a bit different for each of us because each of us are different. I lost my beautiful wife from BC 4 months ago at only age 52. It's so difficult at times there are just no words to adequately describe it. Some days are okay, not too emotional, others are terrible. It comes and goes, wave-like for many of us it seems. So yes, you have to do what you feel is "right' for you, when the time is right, no matter how long or even if ever. For myself, it helps to know that my wife would want me to go on and enjoy what's left of my life as much as possible. And I would think the same for her. Do what's best for you, and best wishes to you always of course.~
    Kata, Mich and griefic like this.
  5. Linda Holst

    Linda Holst New Member

    After 10 months of dealing with the loss of my Steve to Lung Cancer, I realize that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I miss having company and someone to do somple things with. I miss kisses and hugs and waking up with someone. I miss cooking dinner and talking over everyday events. I have no idea how to date or meet another man. I am 62 years old. I really want someone who is relatively healthy too. After watching Steve die 6 weels after diagnosis, I don't think I can watch another person die. I haven't a clue where this man is or if he exsists.
    I’m lost, Kata, ainie and 6 others like this.
  6. Hi Linda, so very sorry for your loss as well. I feel the same as you. Carrie was very level-headed and emotionally stable. I consider myself to be the same, but losing a trusted spouse is cataclysmic on a number of levels, as you well know. At 60 and in good health, I know that I don't want to be alone forever either but the country and society have changed so much from when we were younger that it's a bit intimidating to even think about dating again. You never know what sort of person you'll meet out there and if they'll even be sane! LOL! Again, my condolences to you and yours, this is a 10 on the grief scale according to experts, and I always figured I'd go first. And my condolences to Wanda also, we are all "damaged goods" so to speak at this point, but hopefully we can recoup and it doesn't have to remain that way long-term. I'd like to be at least reasonably happy again as well. Peace.~
    Kata, Bogman, diana harvey and 3 others like this.
  7. Vana

    Vana Member

    Hi Linda,
    I know how you feel...
    I'm 64, my husband died in Jan. of a sudden massive heart attack. It's so lonely without him and I'm wondering if this is it.. Hope we both can figure it out.
    All the best, Vana
    Linda Gale and April S. like this.
  8. Rob B

    Rob B Member

    Hi everyone, I have just started to go through my wife's closet etc. It's been very rough and I can only do it for short periods before being overwhelmed. I started with clothes that I know she didn't like or never wore. Then some of her winter clothing that I donated to our local community charity. That made sense because Cheryl was always helping others and donating time and whatever was needed. What I cannot yet get rid of is any of her favourite clothes e.g ones that she was wearing in pictures I have of her. Nor have I been able to remove her personal items. I still have her night gown with me at nights and usually hang on to it while sleeping (like a security blanket).
  9. Wanda

    Wanda New Member

    Rob, there is no set timeline on how or when you start going through your spouse's belongings and decide what to keep and what not to keep. My husband died in my arms in august of 2016 and it is still hard at times. You do what is right for you when you are ready. Everybody is different and no two people grieve the same way.

    It wasn't until April of 2017 before I could even look in my husbands closet. Then I took a deep breath and took a few weeks to look at his clothes in the closet every day for weeks...then, like you, I donated the things he did not wear very often or did not wear at all. I gave some articles of clothing and belongings to family members and close friends who wanted a memento of him. I have kept a few pieces of clothing that were his favorites and I still have some of his t shirts that I wear to bed if I am having a really hard night. take your time and do what is right for you...nobody can tell you when or how.

    Take things one day at a time, sometimes even one minute at a time if you have to..that's how I did it and still do sometimes.

    Find someone who can make a "MEMORIAL CUSHION" from one or two of her shirts or blouses that she wore all the time, then you can always spray some of her favorite perfume on it and cuddle it when you need to.

    Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries...surround yourself with family & friends to help you through, don't be afraid to cry...men cry to..it does not make them weak..it shows a feeling of depth and caring...

    I have been lucky enough to receive "signs" from my husband after his death...I get a smell of his cologne in the air sometimes...I see him in my dreams when I need him...I have felt his kiss on my neck once or twice...I swear I have heard his voice calling my name as I woke up one morning...a favorite song on the radio when I am missing him...someone says a phrase that he ALWAYS used to say...the sound of something being dropped or moved in another room when there is no one there...I hope that you are open enough to experience signs from your wife as well.

    Take comfort in those signs when they happen...yes, some of them make me cry and I don't care if I am in public or not...let the tears flow..theses signs or triggers are healing and cleansing.

    Also remember that your wife will ALWAYS be with you, she is a part of you. Live your life the way you know she would want you to...she wouldn't want you to be sad or miserable...go on and live...learn to enjoy life again...and who knows...someday you may find another love....

    Try to keep busy and don't hesitate to find some grief counseling inf you need it, or even a friend who understands.. You can get past it...in your own way when you are ready..
  10. April S.

    April S. New Member

    Hi Linda. I lost my husband of 25 years 8 months ago. I too, miss kisses and hugs. My husband did all the cooking and I miss that too. I am not ready to date but at 62, I am hoping to not spend the rest of my years alone. I like you have no idea how to go about dating or meeting another man, so please keep me posted so when I do get to that point, maybe you’ll have figured it out and I can get some sound advice.

    Take Care.
    ainie and Shawnee like this.
  11. Kazer

    Kazer New Member

    I lost my husband of 27 years from cancer in 2016. I am now 62 and its been 18 months and dont think I will ever be able to date again. I am so afraid then would get sick and leave me. I could never go through that ever again. I work full time have family and friends and keep busy. I get lonely at times and still have good cries at times but I keep moving forward a little at a time.y
  12. Larksark7

    Larksark7 New Member

    I feel the same way.
  13. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    Married 45 years. My husband died almost 4 weeks ago after just the first round of treatment for lung cancer His oncologist told us that he had years left I have 2 sons and a wonderful son in law. I quickly divided up what little jewelry my husband had, even giving my daughter a ring. I had the boys choose whatever they wanted of his belongings that week. The rest were donated to a local homeless shelter .

    My son in law used to work for a closet company so he moved around all the shelves for me and painted it a pretty color.

    I am still overcome with waves of grief. But in intervals, I am pushing through to take ownership of my life, my home and make it more functional for me.
    David.1, ainie, Shawnee and 1 other person like this.
  15. The same way at the thought of going out and dating. Seems pretty crazy out there I've been with my husband for 30 years I'm 51 and I wouldn't even know where to begin I don't want to be alone but I don't see myself with somebody that I would be happy with at least not right now. My whole world has changed. A personal choice when and how are ready to open ourselves up and meet another person another part of grief letting go and healing I didn't sign up for this good luck everybody
    griefic likes this.
  16. Plain Jane

    Plain Jane New Member

  17. Plain Jane

    Plain Jane New Member

    I feel exactly the same way! One day I feel I want that special someone and the next I can’t imagine anybody that could even come close to measuring up!
    diana harvey and Shawnee like this.
  18. Shawnee

    Shawnee Member

    My thoughts exactly! I live in a small rural area so there are not many single men to meet. I am afraid I would always compare them to my husband. And how to you get over that feeling like you are betraying them? I was married for 33 years.
  19. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Lets take Shawnee's last statement. As I track my own thought processes and I do have to wince at them as time passes. I would in the course of my daily life meet and talk with age appropriate women. There was a stage I would be talking and have the thought of they were not Kay. This more extreme reaction has subsided. There is in my process comprehending what is missing. Not specific she did this or that. The natural way I felt in her presence all the time. A new notion has come up. In our forty years every one in our sphere know I was married. I often spoke of my wife. Now naturally as I socialize women who are further along in their respectful singleness may move a pawn in the chess-match of new beginnings. I now have to think how to show respect and kindness but also signal my circumstances. Just a new chore that I have not considered in forty years. As to belongings I will keep and know she picked these. These things are her mental finger prints. I can place myself in her mind as I be with her choices.
  20. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    These feelings can be very strong.

    When my wife died, I saved all the
    nities I bought her and sometime
    later I was going to give some to
    Hospice. I had such a strong
    feeling when I opened the drawer
    to the dresser. It was as if the
    nities hollered ,"No, we stay here."
    So if you get a strong gut feeling,
    Listen to it. I am sure you will
    be glad you did.
    diana harvey and Vicki Burrell like this.