Two Weeks Since We Said Goodbye

I lost my mom on 1/11/2020, a little over two months after discovering her cancer was back (after getting cleared in June of last year).... and that, this time it was in the brain. All of the oncology teams that we met with were so nonchalant about the treatment; “you’ll feel like yourself again by June!”... no one prepared us for the possibility that her treatments would kill her faster than the disease... that the treatments would cause far greater deficits than the disease did... she started treatment on Dec 11 after suffering a seizure at home. She was in the hospital for the entirety of the last month of her life and I can’t stop dwelling on it. Why did we let her do the treatment? Why did we listen to the doctors? Why do we put so much faith in the professionals?

I feel so lost and heartbroken. I feel so angry, so confused. Most other times, I feel nothing. I feel nothing and then I feel everything intensely. I feel like I can’t or shouldn’t talk to my friends or family about it. My family, my brothers, because they too are grieving. We lost our father in 2017, so we don’t have him to lean on or confide in. We have each other, but I don’t want to burden them with my sorrow too, they have enough of their own. I don’t want to burden my friends with it because I’ve already talked to them... I feel like any more and they’ll start to shut down and pull away. No one knows what to say. There isn’t anything they can say that will stop this pain.

 

All the emotions you are feeling are normal for those of us grieving for a loved one. Unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can say to you that will stop the pain in dealing with this but the support of family/friends does help even if no words are spoken. My only sister passed away about 8 months ago and I understand the pain you are dealing with right now. Sending you a hug!

 

I know we second guess ourselves on weather or not we could have done more or done something different but really all that we can do is take the advice of the doctors and realize that they are doing the best they can, it doesn't always work out the way we want but that doesn't mean we did the wrong thing. Hoping that in time you'll see this and remember the good times with your Mom.