Grief Self-Study Now Available! Visit Online Support section for more information

Two months later and no one wants to hear about my sadness and grief anymore

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Heartbroken Honey Bunny, Nov 22, 2019.

  1. Jannyb

    Jannyb Member

    I'm a month into losing my fiance of 18 happy years, in a cycling accident where he broke his neck and died instantly.

    First week or so I felt supported. Now my friends are gradually going back to their lives, with their loved ones, not aware of my intense loneliness without my love. They don't call me every day now. My fiance and laughed and talked every day, and lived together for 17 years. We were best friends from day one. Now the silence is deafening. I can't see how I can face a future without him. Our relationship was so special.

    His daughters dumped me. I couldn't afford the funeral as he left me in a financial mess. They've taken him so far away, I can't attend the funeral. Their withdrawal also hurt. Their dad would be ashamed of them.

    I'm in rented accommodation, no income. So the fear for my future is all tied up with the grief.

    My only lifeline is my dogs. I have 4. It's tough managing them, but I hope I'll find comfort with them in time.

    I'm utterly exhausted all the time, sleeping a lot during the day. It's the only respite time.

    No one who hasn't been through this could understand. His daughter's didn't understand why I was a basket case and expected me to act normally.

    I don't think people can bear to be around someone's pain. So they leave you to it. I have one new widow friend who is helping but my actual friends, I'm feeling their withdrawal. It's been a month, I think they expect me to be improving.

    The loneliness is killing me. Every day is a reminder of the empty chair, the silence, the lack of laughter, not talking. I don't know how anyone gets through this pain
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Janny,
    I’m so sorry for the tragic loss of your fiancé. I know your wonderful life with the man you love turned lonely and scary so fast. I’m so sorry his daughters planned a funeral so far away you couldn’t attend. The services do tend to help with the reality that yes this tragedy did really happen. I’m so sorry they took that from you.
    I lost my husband very suddenly also, he suffered a massive heart attack, and we had no signs previously that he had any health issues at all, until that night 18 months ago. Taken from me in two hours. I’m sorry to say that people do tend to move on with their lives very quickly and don’t realize that we still need support. They just don’t understand, if they haven’t suffered such a loss. I have 3 siblings, one brother was great support and he called me often, every single morning. Then he called once a week then once in a while. I eventually told him that the 46 years I’ve been with Ron, the love we had that was still growing doesn’t just stop in two months, there’s no switch, this takes time to even start to heal. He listened and he gave me better support again for quite a while. I hope you have some family and friends that you can reach out to and receive some support. Would it be possible to have a few people join you at your home or a place your fiancé and you enjoyed to have a small memorial, it might be of help to you. Just a thought.
    Your exhaustion, is normal, probably suffer with a foggy brain and lack of motivation. It’s all normal and everyone on this site knows and understands those feelings. I understand that caring for four dogs feels like a lot but they do love you unconditionally and are a great support source. I have one dog and he helps me through every single day. He still misses his dad, it’s sad to see him sadly wanting to play the way they played, and he puts his toys in front of Ron’s chair and then lays down and cries. But our furry friends do make us get up and move and that’s a good thing.
    The pain can be debilitating that’s for sure, what helped me the most is to try and stay busy, little things, it helps with your mind set. I found making a list of things that need to be done helps a lot. So they’re not filling your brain they’re written done. I even added easy things so I was sure to check something off each day. Feed the dogs, take a shower etc.
    Your fiancé might be physically gone but he will stay with you in your heart forever. The memories you’ve made together will eventually make you smile.
    Take care of you, and love those dogs.
    Sending you hugs! Robin
     
  3. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    Robin, so true. One day I am doing okay then out of the blue it goes down hill. Been in a bad funk for about three weeks now. I am sure my other family members are getting tired of me by now but I really don’t care at this point. Decided I am going to go visit my sister in law and other brother in Michigan in July for about 6 weeks. I just need a break from everyone. Take care
     
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Cora,
    There seems to be a few us struggling right now. I think this quarantine and now riots on top of our already emotional lives, has become too much.
    I had a nice calm day for our anniversary and yet I’ve felt more emotional since that day.
    I’m happy you’ve decided to visit your brother and sister in law. Could be exactly what you need. A change of scenery and different people. I keep contemplating visiting my son in Florida, but I don’t love flying and my daughter can’t get away right now. I can’t either actually, my dog has a splint from a toe fracture. I can’t leave him.
    Hopefully it gives you something to look forward to, before you leave and that might help too.
    We’re leading new lives that we really don’t want so we have to push forward and hope we make good decisions. I believe this is a good decision for you.
    ❤️
     
    Cora1961 likes this.
  5. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I hope u get to visit your son soon too. U know with the world right now, it’s damn if u do or damn if u don’t. I am just not happy anywhere right now. Thanks for making me feel better and not crazy. God bless and take care
     
    RLC likes this.
  6. lilly

    lilly New Member

    Thank you for your insight. I hope you are feeling better. I appreciate your cander. It is exactly how i feel.
     
  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I hope so too. Was supposed to spend Easter with him.
    Nothing feels right, and what made us happy isn’t with us. Life has become so hard.
    You are certainly not crazy, you miss your other half.
    ❤️
     
    Liley773 and Cora1961 like this.
  8. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    I definitely feel your pain on this. Although I only have 2 friends/coworkers that I am close to, I feel like even tho they appear to be supportive, and maybe I'm wrong, they are getting a little tired of me too and all that I'm grieving about. Lost my husband 3/19, mom 5/8, white boxer 5/12. My birthday was 5/15 and mothers day 5/11. Ugh. The world changed so much with covid after Jerry died. Like the next Monday, every thing with covid exploded. Then I was off work for about 3 mos. Just last Mon started 3 days a wk. That won't go on forever but I'll take it for as long as possible. I work at a medical clinic and of course that makes it worse.....

    I can't believe that coworker. I'm sorry that she was that stupid. Most of my coworkers are just acting like nothing is wrong with me anymore. I think that they pity me because of all I've been through the last 4 yrs with my husband on top of caring for my mom. I've used all my pto for this year and borrowed against next year...so if I miss any time, no pay. I'm kinda getting used to that though on top of everything. I'm all alone now and it's horrible that covid makes me more isolated.
     
  9. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    I am sorry for your loss and pain. People seem to disappear after a loss occurs. You need support and a shoulder to cry on. You have had a huge shock. Please keep posting here. Many people are struggling with their grief and can help you.
     
  10. Heartbroken Honey Bunny

    Heartbroken Honey Bunny Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much! I appreciate your kindness and support.
     
    Kathleen 56 likes this.
  11. HW2927

    HW2927 Member

    Reading these posts helps
    calm me when I think I am going to crawl out of my own skin with pain. My beloved husband is gone and I can’t bear the pain the last few days have been so hard. He passed away on August 18 and I just want him back.
     
    Kathleen 56 likes this.
  12. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    I am sorry for your husband passing. You are missing him so much. Here you will find support from many others who grieving also. Do you have a support system. Family etc. If so let them help you. Take it slow and be kind to your self. Prayers for you and your family.
     
  13. tgotyall

    tgotyall Member

    I am really sorry for your loss,everyone here knows of the pain you speak it's something never any of us wanted to experience .I also know how the phone calls get further apart I am experiencing that now just didn't think it would be my 2 brothers or my son who lives near me ,my daughter calls ands face times me frequently from Colorado.My precious wife has been in heaven for 8 months I miss her terribly ,people just don't understand the toll it takes on your body and mind ,plus your broken heart.The loneliness is so so difficult and that question of "why".For myself it's just as hard as it was 7 months ago ,it takes all I can just to make it day to day,truly one foot in front of the other,and will there ever be joy and happiness in our lives again,sometimes no a lot I wish she had been oldTer instead of 59 so I wouldn't have to live possibly so long without her.To everyone with the seasons upon us be strong and very courageous this grief is the price we pay for love.Take care of yourself.
     
    Kathleen 56 likes this.
  14. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    We are here to listen, help and just a shoulder for your pain. Having your wife suddenly gone from life is hard. Very hard. Please come here and write about anything. Yes we will listen. I will. Being in the first stage of grief is rough. Any stage of the grieving process is painful. People desert and the calls are gone. No inviters to functions. Why? Why did this happen. No answer but each situation is different. For me I am doing baby steps. Nobody calls. So called friends are gone. It’s been 3 years for me. I don’t remember the first year. But I am suffering. Love does hurt. And it never will go away. Peace.
     
  15. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    Yes it is difficult and you are still waiting for him to come home. I still pick up the phone to call my daughter. It’s been 3 years. I am happy you’re finding calm here. Be kind to your self.
     
  16. HW2927

    HW2927 Member

    Thank you for your words-the loss is so painful and I see others have similar pain. I do have a grief counselor and she helps a little bit. I am just trying to piece each day together - prayer, walk the dog, cry, scream, do some paperwork. It is good to be outside but also hurts because we liked to sit outside in the early evenings and watch the swallows. I understand people who still want to call their loved one. I call my husbands cell phone just to hear his voice on the recorded message.
     
    Kathleen 56 likes this.
  17. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    Myself I will wake up at night in such pain I want to scream. I don’t but I do cry or weep silently. It’s great you can call his cell phone and hear his voice. My cell phone provider promised me when I switched phones her text and voicemail would be intact. It’s all disappeared. Why don’t you sit in his spot while watching. The change might help soothe you.
     
  18. HW2927

    HW2927 Member

    Thank you. I am sorry the phone provider lost her texts and voicemail. I think your idea of sitting in his spot is a great one. I will do that and try to be at peace doing it so he can be there with me. He was a very kind person. Thank you for your support.
     
    Kathleen 56 likes this.
  19. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    You are welcome. I think you will find comfort in his seat. He will be with you. Peace.
     
  20. Txanne

    Txanne Member

    New here, I lost my youngest daughter two months ago. I live alone in the country. It's so sad to read others going through severe grief are also being basically ignored. You would think we're a bunch of lepers for crying out loud. That's a very sad picture of not just me and my grief, but so many others as well.