Two months later and no one wants to hear about my sadness and grief anymore

His name is Zachary. Incredibly handsome. Then gentlest giant - 6'3" with light green eyes.
A smile that could make you melt.

He was the calmest person I've ever met. A deep voice that was the most reassuring sound to me.
He was my biggest fan and my greatest cheerleader.
Always believing in me.

I've never had someone love me like he loved me.
I always joked that I'm an "acquired taste". I am. I'm a lot.
I'm a lot of a person and I'm 100% face-value.
Incredibly open-honest and I'm hyper sensitive, emotionally.
I feel it all.
But he loved that about me. And he told me. All the time.
He never walked away from it.
He was the first one who never walked away.

In the past four years he taught me acceptance and strength. Compromise and compassion.
He loved my dark and my light. He never questioned it.
I knew I was loved - every single day.

Every time I close my eyes - I see his beautiful face.
I can hear him say "you got this" - something he'd say whenever I felt inadequate or scared.

I can't imagine living the rest of my life not having that love. His love.

When I met him - I finally thought - 'this is it' - 'this is what love is' - 'this is what happiness feels like'.

He was my best friend.
My secret keeper.
My protector and my greatest achievement.
I felt so proud to be a part of his world.

Ever since he passed - all I can think about is how I'm never going to be loved like that again.
I don't want to be.

My mom told me that I can't see it now - because it's still too raw, but I will find love again.

I don't want to.
I don't want to find anyone else.
I don't want to let go of him.

Part of me wants to sit here forever in this sadness. It's the only thing that feels like home without him here.

 

Kristen, you expressed my feelings also, about being loved like that, protected, being my greatest cheerleader when others said I couldn't he said why not?

I do want to be loved like that again someday, I just don't think anyone is man enough to do it. He had the strength, wisdom and patience to do it. He was raised by the best, his dad a gentle kind man, and his mom a heart of gold. I told his mom thank you for giving me the greatest gift in the world.

 

Thank you for sharing you words with us. This is a video of my wife and her life.

Please press the button under my wife's picture titled Play Tribute Movie
https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/auburn-me/nadine-hughes-6409908

A person's life and what they meant to each of us is very personal and sometimes almost impossible to give their life just in words. This video is my wife, her life and a short pictorial of done by her last surviving sister. My wife had 2 sisters and 2 brothers in life.

During our marriage her 2 brothers and 1 sister passed away. Those days were amazingly hard for her, I was at her side each time she received the call from her oldest sister. All I could do is share in her loss, and hug and hold onto her.

Nadine, my wife of 42 years, these are what I wrote about her https://www.griefincommon.com/threads/my-wife.1286/ Nadine, was my world, her passing left a void in my heart I still find hard to come to terms with today, now almost 5 years after her death.

Nadine had quite a tremendous career. At the end of her life she had accomplished so many amazing things in life. I just marvel how amazing a person she was.

Some days I hope each of us will be able to come to terms with our loss. I hope we will all eventually have peace of mind.

Please everyone, take care of yourself.

david

 

That was very beautiful. Thank you

 

I also thank his mother for raising such an incredible person <3

Maybe someday I'll want to find love again. The thought of it now makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm stuck.
I've dug my heels in.

I don't know how to move through this part and accept it.
How do I convince my heart?

 

Beautiful!

 

Thank you for sharing that with us. What a beautiful video and an incredible tribute to her.

I too - hope we all find peace.

Always here,
Kristin

 

Cora1961, thank you I was hoping people would like the video

 

Kristin, thank you for such kind words. I know love is a very necessary part of our lives. We wish to be part of another, to share and grow with a person. Before I met Nadine my wife, I had shied away from girls.

During my time in Vietnam she shared a room with my sister at Farmington College in Maine. My sister Marcia asked the girls in their sorority to write me. (hold that thought while I give an aside)

What is so funny about that is in our day room we had a huge table with letters piled one upon another sent to GI's overseas. Each day the pile would get bigger and bigger. Us soldiers would go into the dayroom and check through the piles of mail, not knowing what was inside each letter. Some had very personal open-hearted pictures from lonely girls back home, and even across the world. There were tons of pictures also inside. So you would see my fellow soldiers grab some letters and take them back to their room. (now back from the aside forward to my sister)

Her sorority inducted me into their society, and I received no less than 35 letters from those girls. I read each letter, and as time passed I started setting aside some letters that seemed very interesting to me. By the time I had finished I had finished all 35 letters, and of those, I had a separate pile of 4 letters. I first thanked the other 31 girls for writing me, and after a little bit of hand cramping later, and writing airmail on the area of envelope closed them and mailed them. You see by writing airmail that was our stamp, in Vietnam, sending mail was free.

So I then took my time with those 4 letters and opened up to each girl about me. We sent perhaps 3 letters to 3 of the girls back and forth, but one girl, Nadine, had a way with her words. She seemed like such a down to earth person. I felt like I could tell her anything about me, all the good, all the bad, and feel better for doing that by opening up to her.

So by the end of my second tour in Vietnam I pretty much could not wait to actually meet Nadine. When my tour ended I worked my way home, picked up my new car, a Mach 1 Mustang (colored candy apple red) in Burlington, NJ at Lucas Motor Sales. During the weekend wait in Burlington, I lost about 10 more pounds fretting about the hours to melt away and let me pick up the car and be on my way home.

After this tour my first stint (duration) in the service ended. So while home my sister called and asked me to pick her up and bring her home for the weekend. When I arrived at her college, one by one, girl after girl brought a piece of my sisters stuff and put it in the car. I introduced myself to each said hello, smiled and patiently waited for my sister and Nadine to come down. By the way, each girl would bring something small of my sisters like a pen, a small case, it really was awesome.

Finally Marcia came and said Nadine was coming home with us for the weekend. So there she was, I met her and knew immediately she was very interesting, indeed. We all got in the car went home, and I had a great weekend getting to know Nadine further. Let's just say and the rest is history of the story is history.

I just wanted to pass along to you and others as well.

Kristin, there is life after death of a loved one. Just don't close your world to others. Be open about how sorrowful you feel about your loss and never give up. Life can be a long journey. We each have many hurtles to overcome, and above all else just take each day with an open mind. Give yourself a chance to heal and above all else be honest with yourself.

david

 

Thank you as well. I hope all is well with you.

david

 

What an incredible story, David.
Thank you for sharing that with me. It made me smile.

I want to believe that with time I'll find happiness again. That Zach was my lesson in this life - my proof, that I am so much more than enough for the right person.
He showed me that all of my parts (quirky, yes) are worth loving.

There isn't a second of the day where he's not on my mind - where my heart isn't searching for him.
The entire city makes me sad. His presence is sewn through everything in my life.

I find myself sitting a lot of the time thinking "what am I supposed to do now?".

Our friend group is all couples - I'm the odd one out now.
Sitting there with everyone makes it feel even worse.

There's just this huge hole. This deafening hole that I stare at all day long.
Nothing feels right. Nothing feels like home anymore.

It hasn't been very long since he left - so I have to give myself a little credit I suppose.
It's this aching, anxious feeling like at some point I'm going to get to the finish line. And it doesn't work like that.

 

Kristin, what I am finding out is this. That as I share my pain and open up more, it helps me deal better with life.

I know that all of us look for a way to cope with loss. As we hear the stories that others share we might actually read something that will also help us to cope better. I will be the first to admit I don't have all the answers. I just try to be open and honest with what I say and hope I don't offend someone in doing so.

As of the wonder to life, where do each of us go forward from here, and even perhaps how. There are no easy answers. I still each day watch so many videos, and read so many stories of others who fight to survive.

I know that one of the things that helped me forward with my grief was making these two threads https://www.griefincommon.com/threads/the-good-in-our-world.1324/ and https://www.griefincommon.com/threads/the-good-in-our-world-part-2.1415/ It was the start to helping me believe again in something more than grief. Perhaps one day again I may resurrect them.

Please just remember, take your grief slowly, and don't be apprehensive to ask any questions that bother you. Loss after grief is a big unknown. All you can do is take it one moment at a time.

david

 

I am so so sorry for your loss!!! It has been 5 months since I lost the love of my life!! Have been married 30 years with 6 children. We loved each other with everything we had in is. Losing my Mike is the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to endure. The grief is UNBEARABLE!!! I really need to talk sometimes and have no one that I can. So, please if you ever want or need to chat anytime day or night I AM ALWAYS HERE. ALWAYS. I need someone as well. God bless you and message me anytime.

 

Bethtaylor9872,

I also lost my soulmate last October and it been torture on my heart and soul. I just want him home heathy but I know it’s not possible. Our children are grown and out of the house so it’s so lonely and depressing there, so I have been staying with my daughter, son in law and 3 grandchildren. Thank god for my kids and grandchildren or I don’t know if I would still be here. We had so many plans for our future and now that’s all gone. I just don’t know what to do with myself. He was only 59 and I am 58 and we had so many more years we should of had together. His birthday is April 22 and I am having a very hard time this month plus this virus isn’t helping any either. That just makes me more stressed out and depressed. I hope and pray something helps everyone soon. Take care and god bless

 

Our children are grown as well. But I am at home alone ...all the time. My whole body and soul physically hurts from the pain. Mike was 47. I am 49. We have been married since he was 17 and I was 19. His death was VERY sudden and unexpected. His blood pressure sky rocketed which caused a stroke and then a brain bleed. As they were taking him for M.R.I. for brain bleed he had aassive heart attack and we had to put him on life support immediately so our oldest son could make it to see his dad as he lives outta state....thank you for talking to me. I literally have no one

 

I understand completely. My husband also was so unexpected, he wasn’t feeling good and looked yellow so I took him to our doctor and he said take him to hospital now. The hospital did an ercp three times in three weeks and they never told us anything about cancer. The colon doctor came in to do a colonoscopy because he had never had one before and just said I don’t know why I am doing one cuz he has stage four cancer in his liver. We were thrown for a loop cuz they had never said anything to us before and they knew. So we came to cancer center of America and had tests done and it was some rare form of cancer in the bile duct that normally is in men in their 70 or 80,s. He started chemotherapy right away and the first pet scan he did it looked better so I got so hope but the second one it has gotten worse. It is so shocking to find out u are going to die. We went home and hospice came that night. It was so sudden and shocking to me and everyone cuz he was still working and feeling good. Never one problem with chemotherapy until the end. His body just shut down and he passed the next day. I think I am still in shock and disbelief that it all happened. I thank god that he didn’t suffer like others that I have read about. I have been dreaming about him and it really brings me comfort. Not peace with it but at least I can see and talk to him in my dreams. He was and still is the love of my life.

 

I understand completely. My husband also was so unexpected, he wasn’t feeling good and looked yellow so I took him to our doctor and he said take him to hospital now. The hospital did an ercp three times in three weeks and they never told us anything about cancer. The colon doctor came in to do a colonoscopy because he had never had one before and just said I don’t know why I am doing one cuz he has stage four cancer in his liver. We were thrown for a loop cuz they had never said anything to us before and they knew. So we came to cancer center of America and had tests done and it was some rare form of cancer in the bile duct that normally is in men in their 70 or 80,s. He started chemotherapy right away and the first pet scan he did it looked better so I got so hope but the second one it has gotten worse. It is so shocking to find out u are going to die. We went home and hospice came that night. It was so sudden and shocking to me and everyone cuz he was still working and feeling good. Never one problem with chemotherapy until the end. His body just shut down and he passed the next day. I think I am still in shock and disbelief that it all happened. I thank god that he didn’t suffer like others that I have read about. I have been dreaming about him and it really brings me comfort. Not peace with it but at least I can see and talk to him in my dreams. He was and still is the love of my life. U can talk to me anytime. I am here a lot. Be safe and take care.

 

I am so sorry for everyone on here who shared their feelings and how you deal with the death of a loved one. I am grieving everyday and nobody seems to understand. It's been 6 months now since my partner of 53 years passed away and I can'