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Two months later and no one wants to hear about my sadness and grief anymore

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Heartbroken Honey Bunny, Nov 22, 2019.

  1. Tisay Jedi

    Tisay Jedi New Member

    Sorry, I feel your pain & 'they' don't. The love of my life died suddenly 2 weeks ago, and I was all alone because (only a month ago) I had left Las Vegas, where I'd lived for 24 years, my job of 9 years, and my family (even though that was a good thing), and moved to Houston to live with him. Then I get thrown out of his house by his ex-wife (whole other long story), my sister-in-law flies from Vegas to pack up my belongings and drive back. She tells me that I'm lucky she came since I left her and my brother "high & dry", and my brother needs the money back that he paid for the flight. I get back to the house I had supported them in for years, and they tell me I can stay in the "guest room" for now, and they immediately tell me they can't make the bills this month (this is why I was happy to move to Houston). I had my stepmom's support until last night...she says I shouldn't be crying anymore. So here I am, on this website, ALL DAY LONG.
     
  2. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member


    Can't imagine dealing with the death of a loved and having everyone around you turn on you instead of helping at the time you need it most !!?? So sorry to hear that people can be so harsh and uncaring, sounds like you need to get yourself removed from the situation as soon can so you can start to heal. In the meantime cry all you need, I for one believe it helps...Dan
     
  3. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    I agree that it is hard to imagine people being so uncaring when you need their support at this time. Letting out your emotions by crying does help. It is not good to keep it in -- only makes it worse. Wishing you strength to get through this...and you will.
     
  4. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Dear BrokenHearted HoneyBunny
    Just passed the 11 month and no1 in family has ever asked, "Would you like to talk?" One sister says Satin is making me sad." I suppose the fact she has not had any kind of closeness with her so-called husband I'm over 20 years she could be jealous but never has
    satin had anything to do with
    my grief.
    It is all too weird that with
    all the catholicizm the family
    has it can not step out of its
    comfort zone.
    Like Michael Parks in
    'Then came Bronson' After
    his buddy died, he became
    very dis-illusioned about life
    as he 1ce knew it. So have I.
     
  5. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    There is SO much emotional
    energy here and those who
    do not understand it are like
    They expect a loving close-
    ness between two people,
    Man an wife who have been
    Together for some time, that
    when 1leaves due to death. . .
    It should only be a month
    or two before they are up
    and running again?
    They would not drive
    Down the Hi- way an drop
    the car into 'park' but they
    expect a lifetime of love &
    closeness to be healed in
    a month or two?
     
    cg123 likes this.
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Ray, I feel your pain and frustration, the people in our day to day lives whether they’re family or friends they’re making our pain worse. I’ve pretty much given up on everyone except my children. But it still hurts. I told my brother yesterday that I started to think the people who were in my life only liked my husband, I seriously questioned that. But I told him I’ve learned that it’s not me, people don’t know what to sY or do with me so they stay away. I make people uncomfortable. He seemed to be listening and kind of grunted, yeah. I said, you don’t have to say anything just be present and listen. Take me for a cup of coffee, share memories or like I said just listen. How can anyone lose their soul mate and be ok in a month. Ridiculous. I have another brother who doesn’t reach out ever, not once. But if I call him for help he’s there. When I see him he says sorry I didn’t call on Christmas or whatever holiday it might be. Please know I thought of you often, I couldn’t call because when I think of you alone it makes me cry. WHAT ? I told him if he’s crying that’s ok, it means you care. Still no calls. His wife offered to take me for lunch when I felt up to it. I told her 6 months ago I feel up to having lunch, still no invite. It’s so frustrating. What’s wrong with people? This site has become my life savor. People here know exactly how this feels, they listen and offer comfort. I’m very thankful I found this site, it took me 11 months to find it but I’m glad I did. You can vent, mourn, offer comfort and there’s no judging.
    I lost my husband suddenly to a massive heart attack 11/17/18, no warning, he was healthy or so we thought. Here one minute and gone within 2 hours. I still question how could this happen. Nothing feels right any more, it’s lonely and scary. I talk to Ron all the time, it helps me get through the day.
    I’m thinking of you Ray and I’m here as are others to listen to your story all day every day even when family and friends won’t.
     
    cg123 likes this.
  7. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    For me it really is surprising where the help is coming from, sometimes it is close friends and family but sometimes its someone you just met. Then there are the people who I thought would understand but they have withdrawn, I'm trying my best to believe they are mourning too and just don't know how to deal with the situation. Try and surround yourself with the people who will listen and not judge, they are around, don't let people tell you that you should have moved on by now, this is a very personal journey that we need to find our own path to feeling better again....not the same as before the seismic change we're experiencing but be OK the new life thats been thrust upon us. Dan
     
    MommyWidow, cg123 and glego like this.
  8. MommyWidow

    MommyWidow Member

    I hate when people ask us why our grief is what is. Like we are suddenly experts and can control it!? Like we know the exact steps its going to take and how we are going to react?? People just dont understand how it is to live with grief...
     
    cg123 likes this.
  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You are right! People just don’t know so they say and do hurtful things. But i don’t think they want to be cruel.
    I’ve said to a few people, just imagine your spouse, partner parent, who ever it might be, imagine them being taken from you. Forever. Never to hold, hug talk to ever again. Then let’s add that you’ve lived with this person for a lot of years, in my case it’s 41 years. Now they’re gone. That devastating to anyone. And we all try to get through it as best we can. It takes a lot of time. Some people seem to understand when I say that. For the most part, we make everyone uncomfortable. It’s sad because we need support.
     
    LindaH likes this.
  10. RitaG

    RitaG New Member

    I have found talking about my husband keeps his memory alive, both for myself and our grandchildren. I never want them to forget what a huge part he played in their lives. I think people are uncomfortable because they are unsure if talking about the death, brings back the pain. What they don't understand--is the pain is always there, but by talking about it, it keeps him alive and real, and that brings healing. I never want to forget the 40 years that we shared. He died very suddenly...with no time to mentally prepare. Once my family and friends realized that talking about memories, and laughing about past experiences made me feel BETTER, not worse...they were more open to mentioning it. Be the first to bring up a memory....it breaks the ice. I got married at 17....I appreciate the feeling that it is hard to know where I stopped and we started in our history. Hold your happy memories close....life does move forward--but differently.... and keeping people who love you close is important. Educating them on how you feel about talking about him is key. Good luck....I hope the happy days are outweighing your sad ones now.
     
  11. RitaG

    RitaG New Member

     
  12. RitaG

    RitaG New Member

    It gets harder because every day is another day that you feel the loss. And it continues to get harder. The first anniversary is devastating. It brings it all back.....if you didn't grieve and feel the loss, then the presence of that person wasn't that important. It's the "absence of your presence" that you are grieving. My life has a huge hole in it, that my husband used to fill. Common, every day life is different. You don't fill those voids quickly. Not the memories...just the actual daily voids. He used to walk the dogs.....now I do. He used to take out the trash...now I do. He used to grocery shop....now I have to. So truly your entire life is different. That doesn't begin to talk about the emotional void...and having someone hold you...and whisper to you good night....and kiss you good morning. I have half the life I used to have. Until you live it...you just don't understand. Turn to people who have had similar experiences...as an outlet. Try not to get angry with those in your circle...they can't understand what they haven't experienced.
     
  13. MommyWidow

    MommyWidow Member

    Yes we do make people very uncomfortable. I also cannot stand the question..."How are you?" I have come to see how much of just a formality that question is when I see people now. I hate that question soooooo much!!! I know they dont really want to know the truth. I feel like replying to these people how and the hell do you think I'm doing?? I've told people straight don't ask me that. I was honest with one person that asked me that one day. I was in the grocery store and I was having a tough day. So of course, I see this lady and out comes the famous question. So I told her I wasn't doing well. Well you'd think I told her i had the plague! Afterward she avoided me for awhile. It hurts when that happens cause it's like it's your fault or something??
     
  14. MommyWidow

    MommyWidow Member

    If I can describe losing my husband I think the best description for me would be like dropping a pebble into a pond. The ripples of that pebble are the grief and the pond is me. It affects absolutely every part of my life now and will for the rest of my life. It will never go away. Life for me now, watching my children grow , everything is bittersweet and it always will be. There will always be a hole there.
     
    glego and Bogman like this.
  15. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I hate that question too. My daughter and I have discussed it. We believe like you said, people really don’t want to know. We started saying we’re ok. But then they press with more questions. It’s so hard. I ran into a relative in the grocery store and she asked what do you do all day? This was 3 months in. I mentioned I live day to day. Her reply was, still? No answer is right. I went to my car and cried. If you really don’t want to know, please don’t ask.
    I want my life back.
     
  16. MommyWidow

    MommyWidow Member

    I
    I totally understand
     
  17. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I know you do, and that certainly helps. Just having people get what I’m feeling, feels so comforting. Like, finally! I’ve found people who know and understand.
    MommyWidow, I am so sorry for your loss! I know how you feel and understand the gravity of it. I’ll listen to your story any time.
    My husbands birthday is coming up I’m feeling very stressed over it but I want to do something in his honor, nothing big but it can’t be forgotten. I’ll figure something out.
     
  18. MommyWidow

    MommyWidow Member

    Thank you for your support, for listening and sharing. It is very comforting to know there are people like you here who truly understand and will not judge. I will be thinking of you and hoping you can find a way to remember your husband's birthday that will make you somehow feel good about it. I know what that's like as well. Maybe talk again sometime and thank you for being there to talk to.
     
    RLC likes this.
  19. Brihau

    Brihau Active Member

     
  20. Brihau

    Brihau Active Member

    I see you still have your sense of humor intact. I really can’t blame people for not asking me how I’m doing, as my response is bursting into tears. Sucks to be us right now. At least we can be honest with each other.
     
    glego likes this.