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Trying to recover after the loss of my Wife

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by MarkM, Mar 15, 2020.

  1. MarkM

    MarkM Member

    Two months ago today, was the last time I saw my Wife Susie.
    After 18 wonderful years together and a five year battle with cancer, she finally lost.

    In October of 2014 Susie was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, which had metastasized to the bone.
    Her cancer had the Her2 gene, which opened her up to, what was then, a fairly new therapy.
    There was hope and we both settled in for the struggle.
    After radiation, weeks of chemo and infusions of two gene specific drugs, Susie made a significant recovery.
    After a mastectomy and further treatment, scans reveled that she had no cancer in soft tissue and that the cancer in the bone had been reduced.

    We spent the next years living as the song says, "like you were dying".
    We cherished every moment together and our love grew stronger than it ever had been, as we rallied to fight her attacker.
    There were many challenges, a couple of fractures due to lesions on the bone, but she always bounced back.
    Flash forward to November 2019, when a fractured left femur resulted in surgery and we had hoped, recovery.
    We had been through this with the other femur in 2017, so we thought it would be a replay of that.

    After surgery, excessive pain in her left arm and shoulder, prevented her from participating in physical therapy and progressing cancer was the culprit.
    I had no sooner established appointments and transportation to a new round of radiation, than Susie began to show signs of confusion. I suspected perhaps an infection, but at the hospital an MRI revealed that her cancer had metastasized to her brain in multiple locations. I got to spend the next couple days with her and on the last one, she was lucid and I got to communicate with her, despite her being on a ventilator.
    I told her what was going on, because I know that no one had bothered since she had been confused.
    I held her hand, stroked her head and I told her it would be ok. I told her that she was my hero and that I loved her very much.
    I told her that I would see her in Heaven, that I would see her on the other side.
    I got to hear her say "I love you" three times that day.
    The following day, on January 16th, 2020, Susie passed peacefully in her sleep.

    For the first month and a half, I was paralyzed with grief, with fear and rendered completely dysfunctional.
    About a week and a half ago, I prayed to God that he lift my heart and the next morning, when I awoke, I felt a small change for the better. The weight I had felt crushing me, was lightened.
    The dread of waking up to my new reality and what had seemed a never ending nightmare, was replaced somewhat with an acceptance.
    I still cry daily and I'm still having great difficulty concentrating.
    I have surrounded myself with photos of Susie. Her pretty suede cowboy hat sits a few feet away in a rocking chair and I am comforted by these things. I talk to her daily and often feel her presence. At first I swear I felt her concern for me, but when I improved, I thanked her for watching over me. I told her that I would be ok and not to be concerned.

    I was Susie's caregiver for over 5 years and losing her has brought about a loss of purpose.
    I attended an online webinar which dealt with the loss of a loved one after care giving and it was helpful.
    At first I felt as though I was wandering through the darkness, without any sense of where I was going.
    My relationship with God and my music have been nothing short of a miracle in showing me the way.
    After years of all my interests being shelved to be there for Susie, I am becoming reacquainted with the guitar and I'm working on a song just for her.

    One of the hardest things I'm dealing with at the moment is the loneliness.
    I don't know if I will ever meet anyone again and frankly I'm not sure when if ever I will be ready.
    I just wish I had someone to talk to. I dearly miss that.
    My friends have been wonderful and very supportive, for that I am thankful, but to anyone who has never been through this, it is hard to comprehend.
    I feel the need to be among kindred spirits, who have dealt with similar situations.
    This has brought me here.
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  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mark, Each time I read that another has been lessened by loss, my heart aches for them. I know it is so hard to sleep, progress through a day, talk to others, and in short try to live life again, and then make the world meaningful to you once again.

    I am very sorry for your loss. Cancer is so all encompassing, it takes from our lives those who are afflicted by it. My own wife Nadine, struggled with cancer for years, and our hopes were dashed three times when she neared the top of the transplant list, only to find treatments had failed.

    I wish we could take away pain and suffering for all those sick and for the loved ones that are left behind to carry on. Susie sounds like she was an amazing woman, and always thought even in her darkest moments to reach out to you and try to help you feel better.

    After my wife passed the worst part was being unable to open up about my loss until I felt better inside. It was as if, once others have reached out, they retreat back to their normal lives. So for years (four plus) I held this hurt deep inside me, and I felt like I couldn’t express myself to others for fear of ridicule.

    I looked all over the world wide web, both my wife and me had for 12 years but after her deaths I closed both. So in my search you would not believe how many keywords I had googled trying to find a place where I could unload my emotions continually until I could face them on a recurring basis.

    It wasn’t until one day I found this Grief In Common website, and ready posts by others, some posters long gone, others still reaching out, that I finally felt I had found a place I could feel comfortable with. So I took my time and this was my first post that I was finally able to open up freely and talk, and talk, and react to others who had felt the tremendous loss of another.

    I have been here now 6 months, the weight of grief has finally been lifted off my shoulders and I can now focus and feel better with life. Sure, I miss Nadine, no less than you miss Susie.

    Mark, your love for music and, also being one who can create is amazing. I have loved music my whole life and it has I believe helped me through tough times in life. The idea you are working on a song for Susie is beautiful, as it will be a work of love made in the image of your love for her.

    I am a Roman Catholic, who strongly believes in God. My faith has guided my life, even in my military years. When I faced the death of others as I grew, my faith is what helps me beyond the grief.

    When my wife was in hospice, she told us present she had been visited by an angel. The angel told her that in heaven she would take care of all the forgotten children. I believe it. Years earlier she trained as a nurse, and she once played a Mother Superior nun in a play that just seemed to be a perfect fit for her. One night, when I was particularly troubled with grief, after I had slept and awakened I remembered a dream from that night I awoke from. A spirit, all in white lay on my chest, I felt comforted by that and will never ever forget that dream.

    During my period of grief, I had sat and listened to music for hours, a lot of it on the violin, and watched videos of people being proposed to with all the great songs that have been developed about love. My love for music knows no bounds, in life my collections amassed to thousands of albums.

    This is my channel under the name of Dave Gamer

    If you can see it, while it is small in comparison to my collection, it was where my mindset was as I grieved for my wife. It is still small, a work in progress.

    Mark, I hope you will keep talking. Never lose faith in yourself, never give up on life even during this saddest of time. Take care of yourself, and now that you're here at this website you are among others who have lost loved ones.

    Peace be with you tonight and God be will be with you always, God Bless.


    This song is especially for you in your time of sorrow

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  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Mark, First let me say how deeply sorry I am for your loss. It’s so life changing and nothing prepares you for this. Until you have such a loss you don’t realize just how awful it feels. I’m happy for you that you do have friends offering support, but like you said they can’t understand the depth of it because they haven’t experienced it. Your story is heart breaking to read, and I feel your pain, wish I could wave a wand and make things all better. But you have come to the right place. This site is full of compassionate people that understand this terrible pain. My loss couldn’t be much different from yours then it is. I lost my “healthy” husband to a massive heart attack. From beginning of not feeling well, to losing my soul mate was 2 hours. Totally different, but same outcome, same feelings. The loss of our life partner. I liken it to losing my left side, we were as one. Ran a business together, we were together 24/7 How do you go forward with half of yourself gone. You take baby steps, one day, one hour or one minute at a time. Accept help, just having a cup of coffee with friends is a great help. I’ve surrounded my house with special memories and pictures like you’ve done. I talk to him everyday. I feel his presence everyday and thank him for watching over me. I believe we will all be together again with our soul mates, but in the mean time this new life is so lonely and full of torture.

    I think it’s great that you have God in your heart helping you through this very difficult journey. And feel able to get some interests back, and you’re working on a song for your loving wife. Beautiful!

    Don’t push yourself too hard, most things can wait. Do things when you feel up to it, let the tears happen and coming to this site will let you talk things out.
    There’s a whole community of people here who are here giving and receiving support, we’re here for you. You’re not alone.

    Wishing you a better day each day!
  4. MarkM

    MarkM Member

    David, Thank you for your kind words. I can see that you understand exactly what I am going through, having lived through it yourself.
    I am compelled to make a correction about Susie, having lost her battle with cancer.
    While cancer may have taken her from me in the physical sense, ultimately it lost and she won, having gone on to be with God.
    She smiles down upon me now from Heaven and some day I will see her again.

    Before I met Susie, I had a failed relationship with someone I truly loved, but it was not meant to be.
    At that time, I was ill prepared to process grief and the loss of a loved one, even if just by their rejection.
    I sought out the help of a wonderful therapist, who to this day, I believe was like an angel here on Earth.
    She utilized EMDR therapy and taught me a lot of tricks to help navigate my way through the grieving process, so I come into this recent loss, with some tools that have been very useful.

    When I was a young man, I had difficulty expressing myself through events such as this, but over time and with practice, I have learned that remaining open
    is of utmost importance. I don't think I would be able to manage if I attempted to suppress my emotions.
    I am a very proactive person, so if presented with a challenge, I tend to confront it head on in an attempt to mitigate the damage before it gets out of hand.
    I have known people who crawl into their shell after a loss and it literally ruins life for them. I refuse to lie down and let it take me over in that way.
    Susie would never want me to crumble over her loss, but to grieve, make the best of it and move to acceptance.

    Since I was her caregiver, I had fallen behind on everything and I too closed my Facebook account, mainly from lack of use, though I went back and started another to remain connected to friends and family. Susie hadn't spent time online since 2017, so I accessed her account, locked it down and downloaded a backup file for future reference. I wanted to leave the account up to preserve her interactions with people over the years, for their sake.
    I pretty much live on Youtube now, since I have way too much time on my hands, so thank you for the link, I will check out your channel.
    I've been finding beautiful music, which helps me to express my emotions. Some nights I come home from work, locate the pretty pieces and cry like a baby.
    At the same time, I'm trying to not wallow in my grief too much, but to feel it, express it and move on.

    I've been praying to have a dream about Susie and so far I only had one in the beginning, but it was a nightmare.
    I fully expect to have a beautiful dream about her at some point in time and I look forward to it.
    I lost my Mother and my Father, two months apart from one another, back in 2016 and I have had dreams about both of them, so I have every reason to believe that Susie will be no different.

    I was raised in the Church of Christ, so I suspect we both have a similar understanding of God and Heaven.
    I can't imagine going through this, or this life, without my faith and it's no surprise to me when people who have no faith, simply give up their will to live.
    My love of Christ and my love of Susie makes me strive to be a better man and overcome all obstacles.
    When I made Susie that promise of seeing her one day in Heaven, I meant it with all my heart.

    Thank you for the links to your original post and Nadine's obituary. She seems like she was a lovely woman. I have no doubt she is watching over the forgotten children as you mentioned.
    Your post brought tears to my eyes and struck a chord in my heart that I know all too well. I'm glad you were able to make that initial step and I pray you continue on your journey of lightening the load on your soul. I know it's like drowning in one's own sorrow and forgetting how to swim.

    The song was gorgeous! I'm re-learning several right now, but this is one of my favorites that I used to play for Susie.
    When the weather warms, we're having a second service, a Celebration of Life in a local park where we celebrated her 55th Birthday and progress with her treatment. My plan is to perform this, if I feel like I can make it through without losing it.

    I neglected to upload a photo of Susie, but this is from shortly after we met in 2001, taken in the spring of 2002.
    The look of love on her face sticks with me through my worst days and this is how I will always remember her.

    Attached Files:

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  5. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Your story about your brave and Wonderful Wife, Susie opened up my floodgate of tears, and if you don’t mind, l would be privileged to weep with you and for you. My heroic wife Janet died on October 18 2019 after battling brain cancer for a year. I had been her sole caregiver at home until she was confined to 24 hour bed rest. The marvelous people at Hospice allowed me to move into her room at the facility while she courageously waited to die. I was with her 24/7 until she went to heaven. My Hospice group therapist gave me a saying by Voltaire regarding tears: “tears are the silent language of grief “
    Don’t be afraid to cry.
    I will pray for you and your courageous Wife Susie. Keep talking to her, I know she’s listening. You landed in the right place, the people on this site all want to help.
    Your faith in God will help you ease the pain. As David said, music is a balm. His advice has helped me get through some tough things. And, Robin has been my Rock through some very difficult times. (We are forever friends)
    May God hold you in his arms.

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  6. MarkM

    MarkM Member

    Robin, Thank you so much for your condolences and support. At least with Susie, we knew there would come a day, though we didn't know it would come so unexpectedly and we thought we had time. I can't imagine losing someone so suddenly, without any time to ponder, or prepare for that moment.
    I guess in reality there is no preparing for this, even with a five year window to do so. In the beginning, I promised myself and Susie that I would be there for her, in the here and now and not become consumed with worry of what was to come. We both knew and speaking for myself, I sort of shoved it into the back of my mind, trying not to, as Susie used to put it, "borrow trouble".

    The last time she went to the ER, on January 12th, she had a few hours of clarity and she told me, "Mark, I'm going to die". I laughed it off, since she said the same thing during a bout of pneumonia after her initial round of radiation. I told her we all die, but this is not your time. I was right then, but totally wrong this time.
    She knew it was time and was trying to tell me as much, but I wouldn't hear it.
    I too feel as though I''ve been halved and it's like trying to walk with one leg and at first, no crutch. I feel that were it not for the good Lord and the love I've received from friends and family, I might have fallen, but I would get up again. I always do.

    I'm trying to take care of myself. At first, I literally didn't care. I think it was about 4 days before I ate something, but my appetite is coming back now.
    I'm overwhelmed with the tasks before me, since I'm years behind in doing them, but I'm in no rush. I need to tend to tend to me before I worry about catching up on chores. As you might imagine, Susie was disabled and the last year was brutal to her, so between working full time, commuting and taking care of her, there was no time for anything else. If I didn't do it, it didn't get done and I know that she felt bad she couldn't help out, but she was too fragile to risk it.

    I will endure this and overcome eventually, but I expect it will be a long road.
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  7. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

  8. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

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  9. MarkM

    MarkM Member

    Bill, Our experiences have strong similarities. Watching cancer attack the mind of a loved has got be one of the worst things I've ever endured. I am thankful that it was not drawn out over a long period of time. Watching Susie suffer from the bone cancer was bad enough.
    This was both our second marriage, so though I didn't know it at the time, the 15th was the last day I would see her. Her Daughters spent the following day with her and were there when she passed, so I wasn't present. I'm ok with this, because I got to see her one last time, seemingly coherent and understanding what I was telling her. Had I missed that opportunity and the chance to tell her I loved her, it would have been hard to take.

    I'm not afraid to cry at all, in fact I'm no stranger to it. Susie and I watched a lot of movies in the last 5 years, listened to a lot of beautiful music and shared all these things together. It was not uncommon for us to watch a sad movie and both shed tears. I have also been so elated that I cried. The news of her amazing progress after the initial treatments was such a time.
    The Voltaire quote is spot on and far too many men seem to fear allowing themselves to cry. I am not such a person and I think that is one of the things Susie loved about me.

    We had a love, that as they say, "stood the test of time". Someone once said that "Grief is love with nowhere to go". I know all to well the reality of this and this is why I turn to music. It is an outlet for my soul to release emotion and express love. I've been digging out all my studio equipment in preparation of setting up again.

    I will pray for you as well Bill. You are fresh off your loss and I know suffering dearly.
    I really appreciate everyone's help and as you said, there are a lot of great people here.
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  10. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

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  11. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mark, Susie, your wife was beautiful. I love that you shared that with us all. This is a tribute video of my wife: Please press the button under my wife's picture titled Play Tribute Movie That video was made by her older sister Linda, and I am so grateful.

    Mark, Life and love, such a pair, we move through our lives not knowing where it will take us, you might have a plan or not, but when you find the perfect love, it is as if it has been sent by God. Your life changes, you make your plans for the future, and you live through time with one another. Sure, we are all diminished when we lose the one who we hold so dearly.

    After Nadine died, I didn’t search for why, I searched for everything that helped me face the soleness, and all that was so pure of her in life. I have a lot of posts here on these forums where I can’t help but profess my love I so wholly shared with her.

    Before she left this mortal coil we call Earth, knowing she had cancer, Nadine had the opportunity for a trip to Hawaii, with all girls, family and friends from her life. She took so many pictures, I have many moments alone with those pictures, and there were tears of hapiness that swelled within me for all the love she shared with all those girls. I know they knew her time was limited so it was a special time in all their lives.

    When she returned, she beamed, she showed me all the pictures, told me all the stories, it was wonderful. She had left a part of herself with them all. Mark you are correct, cancer did not win.

    How true it is about being open with loss. As you talk, this grief we all share gets easier with time. Holding it inside us eats us up.

    Before I closed I have written daily posts of thoughts about Nadine, over a couple of months. Her niece Lisa, collected all of them and promised to share all of them forward. When my account was almost hacked, it was at that point I closed, otherwise I would have kept it open.

    Being able to have others to talk openly is a saving grace. We all need that, and if only more people could reach out in our world, perhaps we would not be in such troubled times. You will find as you read others posts on this site, they too are touched by loss, and fully understand the depth of sorrow it can put us in. By talking and being open, their tears may be plenty, but they are loving tears, those tears help them heal inside, and allow others who read their words to also open up and start to heal.

    I think what elated me the most was my discovery of how in depth has become. Like google, you only need to put in a few words to a song to find it, or a word or two for a certain type of song for any occasion, especially loss.

    I will say that is what kept me going many days. So I started to collect music again that I can access on my television. I can’t say enough for how music drives me, and I know Bill has immense knowledge of music as well.

    I just know, when an emotion rises, or a thought makes me wonder, I just turn on my computer, search for something to fit my feelings and then feel better for having done so when I find those special videos or music.

    I also make an effort to post comments to artists who I have listened to, to let them know I appreciate their effort. When they cover songs, I listen first to the original artist, then their interpretation, and tell them about my feelings of it. I have conversed with some artists about their songs back and forth.

    I often wondered if the dreams we have is our dearly departed reaching out. I just know I am lucky to not remember the bad ones only the ones I feel make me happier inside.

    Mark, I too have seen a loved one many times in my life. How you grow from that experience is who you become as a person. How you move forward in life after death can go in many directions. Faith is what I always reach back upon.

    Mark, I hope you will find healing, and keep reaching out. Thank you for your song as well, his songs are part of my collection.

    The Celebration of Life is amazing. Artists always astound me when they put their emotions in their songs and then can sing it so beautifully. Take this song for instance:

    I am sure your performance will be one to watch, if they make a video of it, please post a link after for us all here.

    For now, please take care, and may peace be with you forward in life.

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  12. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    My Janet taught me that it was ok to cry. I was brought up in a “big boys don’t cry”atmosphere.
    My Dad served in the US Cavalry against Pancho Vila in the Mexican Border War and in France during World War One. He didn’t tolerate tears. Rub a little dirt on it was his cure for any injury. Janet saw tears and vulnerability as strengths.
    We watched “chick flicks” and cried, We Listened to music, and cried together. I came not to be embarrassed by the tears, but because of the wisdom of my wife, I came to embrace my feelings . She was a widow and I had been married before, so we didn’t meet until I was nearly 60 years old, but, she blessed me with the happiest 25 years of my life. She was not only my soulmate, she was also my mentor and life coach. I loved the Gordon Lightfoot song both when it first came out, and even more so now.
    Thank you.
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  13. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Hello Mark. So sorry to hear of your loss of your wife Susie. She is beautiful.I lost my life dance partner on Oct 11/19 after a ten year battle with cancer. He fought long and hard. The last 15 months were very difficult. I was determined to go on as he had made me promise to adopt his motto, actually a Bible verse, "Life has changed, not ended". I try my best to honour this but find myself in tears most every evening. This site is so good to know that others care and understand. HUGS.
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  14. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Wonderful photo.
    He was a brave man who knew that you were the Love of his life, and I’m positive that you will be dancing with him in Heaven someday.
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  15. MarkM

    MarkM Member

    David, That was an exquisite tribute to your Wife! Very well done I might add. You have a great looking family, all smiles and it appears, quite extended.
    I took one picture of Susie the last day I was with her and so far, I haven't got the heart to look at it much. Perhaps some day I will share it.
    Seeing that decline from someone so full of life, to someone who has been ravaged by the evil of cancer, is really hard to witness without it taking some part of you with it.

    When we have our service, I have a selected list of songs that we both loved and a few I have found since her passing, that I know she would love.
    Here is one such selection that when I found it, I cried a river and it still gets me though I downloaded it and have probably heard it 40 times.

    I too leave feedback and comments for Youtube performances. My Father was a professional musician, so I understand what that means.

    Along with the photos, I have old mini disc recordings of Susie and I singing together while I played. The sounds of her beautiful voice and the laughter are precious to me. Photos freeze a moment in time and they are something I cherish. I do graphic design and make signs for a living. Before my Mother passed, she was in a nursing home due to dementia and I put together a large photo collage, for the wall in front of her bed. The centerpiece was a photo of my Grandmother in her 20's and everything around it was of myself, Susie, my Daughter Shannon and our little dog Sadie. Her roommate told me that in her final days, she spent much of her time staring at it. It now resides in a hall here in my home.
    I'm working on one for Susie that will be at the service for all to see. When I finish, I will post it on here.

    Demi truly got caught up in the moment there. It's a challenge performing something moving and not succumbing to that yourself.
    We'll see, I'm getting better at it, but only time will tell.

    Thank you David!
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  16. MarkM

    MarkM Member

    Wow, your Father had seen quite a bit of history and service. My Dad was a mechanic in the Air Force, but when he was younger, it was much the same thing.
    As he grew older, he softened and saw the beauty of tenderness. Janet was right, it is a sign of strength.
    Susie taught me so much about life that I had never understood. She truly taught me how to love and be loved, how to show compassion and understanding.
    So many things about the person I am today, can be directly attributed to her wonderful inspiration and example.
    had I missed out on experiencing her, I would not be a fraction of the man I am today.

    God bless you and Janet Bill!
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  17. MarkM

    MarkM Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. After 5 years I cannot imagine 10. He must have been a fighter, to have endured that for so long.
    I have found the encouragement on here to be both inspirational and enlightening.
    It is interesting to hear each account, though they tug at the heart.
    I will pray for you both and I know that he will watching over you as well as is our Lord.

    Thank you!
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  18. MarkM

    MarkM Member

    Ok David, under the heading of it's a small world, I see on Youtube, that I viewed and gave a thumbs up to Ricky Nelson, Lonesome Town and I think that was sometime around the middle of 2019. Love Ricky Nelson and I love that song. I remember playing the video for Susie and telling her I wanted to learn it.
    What are the odds of that???
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  19. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    I was on YouTube and came across a song from a salute to influential women artists in country music. Janet and I watched it when it first aired (2011) and we cried our eyes out. Tears flowed again when I rewatched it today.
    Vince Gill and Carrie Underwood singing “How Great Thou Art”
    It’s on YouTube and well worth the search.
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  20. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mark, growing up with music is amazing, living with a musician who is an epitome of what music is must have been a wonderful experience. My mother would sing to us when younger, dad would smile, she would glow and we all learned what love is from the both of them.

    Yes, Ricky Nelson, I grew up with that show, watched all the episodes. His voice is what captured so many hearts. The tragic thing is how so many great artists we have lost over the years, if only time wasn't so cruel.

    I remember during my college years, we had the opportunity to attend a concert by the Carpenters. Nadine loved Karen, and we were so fortunate to hear her in her prime before she sadly passed. She left behind such beautiful music. When she sang it was as if an angel sang.

    I had 42 memorable years of marriage to Nadine, we shared so much in our lives, our hopes, our dreams, our disappointments and the birth of two beautiful children. Even today as I write, as I remember I can’t help but shed tears when I remember.

    Music helps me live, it helps thrive, it helps me remember, it helps me feel so much more profoundly. I should have learned how to play an instrument when I was younger, as I can feel the music. When I was in junior high school, a young black man sang Moon River. He sang it with such verve, it brought tears to us all.

    Thank you for the melody by Joe Hisaishi, he was wonderful. As I build my library I will add so much more. What saddens me is all the people who make great comments on a video but never add a like as well. I just wish others would realize how much work a performer puts into their work, and then delivers their music to us with their hearts on their sleeves.

    Repeating a melody or song. You reminded me of a funny story. When my sister was student teaching, she lived with a music teacher, and two other elementary teachers like my sister. One day she said the girl who lived in the apartment above her started playing one song, over and over, for what seemed like days to them. They were never so happy to head off to school when the time came. She taught grade school for 48 years.

    I just love sitting down, grabbing the slide projector, or opening all the photo albums to times long gone by. You never actually remember all the places you have been in your life until you turn the page, or watch another slide. I remember we had taken many pictures of my military days 12 years and 7 months. So, call me old fashion, there is nothing like remembering. Yes, those moments captured for later helps us enjoy all those times once again.

    When Nadine’s passing was still fresh on my mind I turned to violin music. There were no words, but it was as if I could hear the words if I knew the melody. I am still enjoying all I have added to my library and look forward to adding so many more. Over time I will add other instruments and of course groups.

    Your singing with Susie must have been such happy times. Hearing someone sing on a record is amazing, actually seeing them perform is even better. When I was in Vietnam, during one of my tours while stationed in Chu Lai, South Vietnam, I went to a USO show, Bob Hope was there. It was unreal.

    Memories, just help me move forward with life. I hope you too as well can draw upon all that you had and shared with Susie, and take comfort that one day in the afterlife you will meet her once again. For now, live for today, live for tomorrow and please never give up. I know one day I will walk with Nadine once again. I believe.

    Thank you as well Mark. Peace be with you tonight and days forward. God Bless.


    One for the memory. I was stationed at Two Rock Ranch in Petaluma, CA when the Sharon Tate story broke. This song reminded me of her.

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