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Times not a healer

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Ladyjane, Apr 29, 2021.

  1. Ladyjane

    Ladyjane Member

    Hi my hubby passed away 6 months ago and I feel worse than ever. The numbness has gone and the harsh reality of life alone has hit. The tears won't stop miss him so much.
    LivingWithGrace and LinF like this.
  2. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    Go ahead and cry. Your beloved has earned your tears. There is no time limit on grief, so GRIEVE. Reach out on this forum and share your memories with those of us here who truly care and understand. You will feel better, and you just might have the voice that another soul is seeking.
    May God give you peace.

    Mimi A., Ladyjane and RLC like this.
  3. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    JEALOUS (2021)

    Bill Lathrop

    I’m jealous of God and Jesus and the Angels up above because they have now in their hands my one and only love.

    She smiles, and we watch this whole world change, and her love for others is out of this life’s range, and so instantly apparent, that it’s obvious to me…that her smile is Heaven sent also and is just meant to be.

    Unbidden kindness with no motive in sight is one of life’s great gifts, and one of Heaven’s delights, so please share with me for all others to see, God’s Love and kindness for the collective…WE… As we glory in the fact of what a miracle is life, and that love is the direction away from pain and strife, and now is the time for all of us to act and repeat the example of this one small fact, just a sample of what she said in between her last breaths when, over and over she stated this last bequest. Over, and over, again she said these words, with nary a when to be heard… I believe…I believe…I believe…

    This is what I say… then…I believe…I believe…In my heart I believe…too…again…and…again.
    Ladyjane and RLC like this.
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    So sorry you’re having a rough time. But losing a huge part of who you are, what your life was takes time. There will be ups and downs, nothing prepares us for this nightmare. Everything you’re feeling is normal. Like Bill said, let the tears fall. Talking and sharing is very cathartic.
    There will be better days ahead, work towards them. ❤️
    Songman, LinF and Ladyjane like this.
  5. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    Our Story

    My Beloved wife Janet lost her earthly battle against brain cancer on October 18th, 2019 at 8:40 in the morning. I was at her side, as I was every minute of every day for over a year. Janet was the bravest, and most caring human being that I have ever known. Despite all the pain and physical challenges she faced every day, she was always more concerned about how I was doing. Are you OK? was always the first thing out of her mouth every morning. She knew she was dying with no hope of recovery, but she always put my welfare first.

    If, with your permission I can now turn back the clock to January of 2019, I will continue with OUR story.

    Janet started having problems with her balance early in January and would fall on occasion. After several trips to the emergency room, she was finally examined by an on-duty brain surgeon who ordered an immediate CT-scan. They discovered a rapidly growing tumor near the area of the brain that controls sight. She had been having a lot of problems with her peripheral vision, and they had to be extra careful if any surgeries were planned, because of the risk for blindness. Despite the danger and because of the urgency, surgery was scheduled the next morning. They drilled a hole in the back of Janet’s skull and tried to carefully vacuum out the cancer. They failed to get it all, due to the close proximity of the vision area of the brain and the tumor. They then tried radiation treatments (5 days a week for 16 weeks). At this point we still had a glimmer of hope, which was soon dashed when, after the radiation treatments, we were told there were no other pathways to a successful result, and my beloved Soulmate Janet was going to die... There was nothing we could do now but to accept what they predicted.

    We were then transferred to hospice care and I assumed the role of full-time caretaker, but she could, at least, stay at home. After a few weeks Doctors decided that Janet should go on 24-hour bedrest with a catheter and all (she hated that catheter) At that point, I had lost 50 pounds, and my clothes no longer fit, but Hospice still allowed me to move into Janet’s room and to sleep in a chair that folded out into a makeshift bed so I could continue to be close to her 24/7.

    When I was caring for Janet at home, she slept in a recliner in our living room, and I crashed within arm’s length of her on the corner of the couch next to her chair, so I could be available to help her to the bathroom, or if she needed assistance for anything. I never left her side, nor did I want to. Her nearness gave me strength. The Hospice volunteers and staff became our family. I will be forever grateful for their kindness. As time passed, it became more difficult for Janet to chew and swallow her food, so I had to cut up her food and spoon feed her, and eventually, she could only eat pudding or yogurt. I will never forget the grateful look in her eyes when I fed her. That look is one of my most cherished memories. Janet has contacted me since she passed, and I feel her presence often, and her reactions to unseen entities has inspired me to write several songs. She has mentored me from beyond this physical life every single day, and I know I will be with her again when my time on earth is over. The day I first met her was the luckiest day of my life.

    We listened to music together all the time.” Adagio for Strings” by Samuel Barber and Donny Hathaway’s “A Song for You” played while she died. I love and miss her so much it’s impossible to describe. I have learned to exist without her, but I still grieve the loss of US/WE as a pair. I wouldn’t be writing this if not for music, and the written word which saved me. (Thank you Joanie)
    biloxiblue likes this.
  6. biloxiblue

    biloxiblue Member

    The title of this section is rather disturbing to me. I keep hanging on to the fact that everyone keeps telling me that time heals all. I sit here everyday hoping that time will fly by so I can be better.

    My story is probably like many. I apologize up front for it being so long but I feel I have to tell it. My husband had copd and once he hit 65 we started seeing him get worse. In 2015 he started getting very bad. The VA put him on steroids and several inhalers. For a month or two the new meds seemed to be helping then he’d get pneumonia and end up in the hospital. In 2018 they said he had lung cancer and also congestive heart failure. They did radiation on him that took care of the tumor but left him breathless snd on oxygen 24/7 and I became his full time caregiver.

    To make a long story short by 2000 he was wheelchair bound and needed a ventilator at night. He made me sad because he would say how bad he felt that I had to take care of him. I told him many times I’d do it till one of us were gone. In February of this year he went into the hospital with pneumonia however this time was different. His CO2 level was so high they wanted to put completely on a vent. He refused so they modified it like at home. A vent but with a mask. A week in Icu and they said he was good enough to go home. Once hone his doc called and said there was nothing else they could do for him? My husband seemed not to understand and I was in denial thinking “ok well they didn’t say he’s dying yet so maybe we have six months to a year”

    His doc said he’d like me to bring him to the VA and they’d admit him to get some fluid off of him to make him more comfortable. They put him in ICU for four days. Then my husband called me and said please come get me they’re letting me out. I went to pick him up at three in the afternoon and I told the nurse as they helped him get in my car that he sure didn’t look very good. The nurse said get him home in his own bed and with a good night sleep with his BiPAP and he should be good as new tomorrow. So I got him home and got him comfortable in his chair. he ate good but he was very different. He was very quiet. I asked him was he OK and he really snapped back at me in a sarcastic way. He never spoke to me that way. By 830 I told him why don’t we get you in the bed and you can get a good nights sleep and he agreed. I helped him into the bed and as I sat him on the edge of the bed he said “think I’m falling” so I told him that he was not falling and I reached over to get the mask for his BiPAP. At this point he grabbed his chest and made two sounds like a little pain and fell backwards. I yelled and I saw his eyes were open and his mouth was open a little. I tried to get him back on his side of the bed but couldn’t. Then I thought if I could get his bypap on that would help him
    Breathe. TheN I realized his face had not changed. I put my ear to his chest and there was nothing. I tried to do CPR to no avail while I called 912. Then the EMTs came and did CPR for like 20 minutes before I told them to stop it was horrifying.
    This was March 11 and I am still crying. I feel like maybe I just didn’t do things right that night. I wish I would have known his time was so short because there is a lot I would have liked to say to him. Who brings someone home from the hospital at three and they are dead at nine?!?!?
    LivingWithGrace likes this.
  7. biloxiblue

    biloxiblue Member

    Sorry for all the typos above...I don't know how to edit it once posted.
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. I can’t say that your husband wasn’t treated right in those hospital stays but it does seem at the very least the doctor could have offered more information. Your overwhelmed with everything it’s part of their job to inform you. I’m so sorry you went through all that. Your loss is so resent, be sure to take care of yourself. Let the emotions flow, get fresh air. This is definitely a long journey. I can’t say whether time is a healer or not. But time does seem to make us stronger. And I’ll take that. I lost my husband 2 1/2 years ago, suddenly to. Massive heart attack. I’m much stronger then at 1,4, 8 or whatever months. Try to keep people in your life and encourage them to talk about your husband. People try not to talk of our losses, when talking about them is what we need the most. They’re a part of us that isn’t going anywhere. Even if it brings tears, we need to talk about them. And crying isn’t a bad thing. Take care! ❤️
    Chris M 2000 and biloxiblue like this.
  9. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Active Member

    I am so sorry for your loss - I have spent the past four months reliving the day that my husband died - I guess it is post traumatic stress but it seems to help to relive every detail - it seems you’re doing the same thing - it’s so hard not to feel that we could have done something to prevent their deaths - I’m sure your husband knew how much you loved him even though you didn’t get to say it that day. What you are going through is incredibly hard but try not to be hard on yourself.
  10. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. I don't think there is anyway time can be a healer. I think that the grief will always be with us. I think what eventually happens is that, somehow, not sure how (my husband passed away exactly two months ago today) yet, we just learn to live with it. We have to redefine who we are without our spouses, making it necessary for us to explore new places, discover new interests, hobbies, make new friends, etc. At some point, (hopefully) we'll find happiness in our new lives, but that happiness will always have a dark cloud of grief hanging over it. I'm sorry I'm not able to paint a brighter picture. However, this is just how I see things today. Sending hugs your way...