This grief is going to kill me

Your Michael sounds like a fellow I'd like to have known. You are so.right, we both.got really lucky with our guys. As my friend says "big love", can never be replaced. It goes on forever. You are in my prayers as well. Big hug from the Carolinas just as much for me as for you❤

 

HUGS HUGS HUGS! They say that hardships make us stronger...maybe so but sometimes they just make us tired. I can't pretend to know how much pain the loss of a child must bring. Anniversaries are famous for being difficult, be gentle and kind to yourself right now. Next week you will have time to get yourself together.

I looked after an elderly Hispanic lady in NM who told me "No matter how thin we make it every tortilla has two sides". I thought of this in August when Mike's birthday came around...I was distraught, so upset that he was no longer here for his day...but this lady's words came back to me. I bought some flowers and went to the cemetery. I returned home to bake his favourite peaches and cream sponge cake just like I had done for years. I took the cake and knocked on the door at his best friend's house. The 3 of us ate cake and told stories about Mike. We laughed and celebrated that on this day the earth had received a great guy who blessed us with his presence for 71 years. It was still a happy birth day ... I would never have met him if it hadn't happened.

 

Thank you for sharing that with me. I think on Walter's birthday next month I will try to honor him in a similar way. Your post gives me hope. My Michael was incarcerated for 4 years and I somehow couldn't cook anything during that time no matter how hard I tried. I will ask the good Lord for the strength to make it through the holidays with dignity and grace despite my pain. I love reading your posts

 

One of the happiest days of my life.

 

The weekends are hard. I try to keep busy and do positive healthy things but the sorrow and loneliness are overwhelming.

 

this is beautiful

 

And his...you guys are beautiful and happy!

 

What a wonderful pic!!! You can feel the happiness coming right out of the screen!! You are beautiful in that gorgeous dress!! These are the moments we cling too. The moments that make "The Dance" worth it. HUGS

 

Ever have one of those days where it doesn't take much to set you off??? My dog won't take her seizure medication all of a sudden. She's been taking it for several years without problem. Now suddenly she doesn't want to take it. As though I haven't been through enough with her. Aggie has been to the doctor more than I have in her 5 short years. I just spent almost 2 grand in the last few weeks for tests because she suddenly couldn't walk right. My patience is fragile right about now and I know she doesn't understand why I'm sitting here crying but I can't handle anything else today. Maybe with some rest, I'll be better tomorrow

 

Karen, I am sorry you are having a rough day. I know how it feels when you don't have anything left to give. Under normal circumstances we can plow right through these things. It is hard to find the energy to handle all of the things we used to share with a partner and it makes it all feel extra unfair. My go to for meds has always been......rectal or oral-you choose. Sometimes it is funny. I am wishing for you rest, and peace and patience. And a nice long hug.

 

Thank you for listening to my whine. Normally the dogs are a great source of comfort to me and once I caught my breath, Aggie and I made our peace. She took her meds, albeit I had to bribe her with some butter pecan ice cream. She wouldn't take her probiotics but she got the seizure med in and that's the most important med. I'm dreading losing her and day by day she seems more frail. Just the idea of another loss gives me such an awful feeling. I know she's a dog but it's just the idea of another loss right.now. You and the other members of our little group of nurses have become so important to my sanity. I appreciate all of you and pray for you as daily as I wrap myself in the prayers, love and support I feel from each of you. Hugs from the Carolinas. Night night.

 

We all have those moments when we feel "I just can't do this anymore". And they come at the most unexpected times. Mine today was I couldn't reach something in my top cupboard...had to find my step and carry it to the kitchen and climb up. Too much! Why can't I just say "Mike pass me my water bottle" The constant making every decision and doing every thing that used to be shared is a lot. As Mike would say when I travelled for a few days "So glad you are home. Life is too busy for one"

How old is Aggie? What breed? I hope she does well for a long time. Our pets are truly family and they give us so much love and comfort. I would be so so lost without my little Dolly. She gets me up and dressed every morning and snuggles with me in the evenings. She was definitely Mike's dog but is gradually adopting me. She is a stubborn Dachshund who loves outside but will not walk. So I have memorized every blade of grass in the yard as we hang out.

Today my daughter and I are going on a little road trip. she is looking at a travel trailer for sale. Wednesday I'm going to my friend's for coffee. I sense that my loved ones are filling up my week so that I have company as the 11th draws near. I am grateful for their love but it is a day I just want to pass by. I have been able to celebrate the holidays as they came in this first year because I could look for the happy memories. This day, the 11th of October, has no good memories to call on.

I wish every one a good day today!! And if it is a bad one...HHUUUGGGGS. We can do this!!!

 

Reminding you that I am praying for you today. Try to squeeze in one happy memory, one of Michael’s triumphs, in the midst of the sadness. Pulling for you. JMD.

 

You ladies are a life line for me and I thank God for you all. My Aggie is super spoiled 5 year old Pomeranian. I have her and her older sister Edith. They are good company most of the time.

 

I am having one of those days. Working from home and in ZOOM meetings all day but in between preoccupied with my love never coming back. Have had some bad interactions with his family this week which is very sad to me. I want to try to keep my relationships with them within reason but they are not happy with the provisions of his will. I am sure they are hurt and grieving but he was deliberate in the decisions that he made. He knew his family well and did not want them fighting over his belongings. Well, too late for that. I am conflicted about what to do and know that he wanted to provide for me. He also knew that I would be responsible and handle his affairs properly. Part of me says that I should walk away from attacks on my character, part of me says that Michael and I were the kind of people who always take the high road. I suppose the right answer will come with time. I feel certain that if he were here, he would have shut all this nonsense down at the first sign of trouble. Seems to be adding to my pain this week. I miss my wonderful guy terribly today. Thanks for the hugs.

 

I am so sorry that you are experiencing such a distressing situation with your family. Death brings out the best and worst in people. I cannot imagine having to deal with that in addition to dealing with such a monumental loss as your spouse. Walter did not get around to getting his affairs in order with a will or any other legal matters. Thankfully, I was the sole beneficiary of his life insurance and the children did not object. They recognized that from that money I was expected to pay for his funeral, pay off the mortgage and any other outstanding debt that he had. They were happy with the very personal items I bequeathed them like his watches, cuff links, rings and such.The eldest of my remaining sons said he just wants me taken care of, which warmed my heart. I honestly think most people think when a person dies all their debt goes away. Even I had no idea until my parents died. Here in America, we don't like discussing death or final arrangements as a family. It should never come as a surprise what the wishes of our loved ones are because we took that unpleasant step of having an open and honest discussion about it. As always, as I ask God for strength for myself, I ask him to cover you all with his comfort, grace and mercy. Until our next conversation, be blessed and feel the love from the Carolinas.

 

I have to laugh at life sometimes. Right now I think I'm cried out so all I have is laughter. One of my dogs had 2 grand mal seizures last night. The vet was able to see her this afternoon. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Was on campus yesterday because we are only allowed in our offices 2 days per week and the cannot be consecutive days unless we have obtained permission from the dean. Anyways, one of my colleagues, who has been in the dumps because of the trials of life, comes into my office to chat. I generally enjoy chatting with her so no big deal. My computer locks up and I have to get the IT guy up to reset my passwords. Ugh!!! Ok, I get.home Aggie has seizure #1. Lasts about 3 minutes. She looks pretty rough. I settled down with both the pups on my bed and she does it again. This one equally as bad but not lasting as long and she settles down to sleep. Mind you I can't sleep because I'm watching her. I have lecture scheduled at 9 and I haven't slept. I tell my students via email to review webinars I've previously pre-recorded. It turns out that it's a good thing I did that because my college issued laptop won't work. By this point I'm losing it. I call my boss and tell her I quit!!! She tells me to bring my happy butt to the office. We get IT to fix the computer. A million other technical issues later, I'm able to start uploading my exam for Monday. It's 100 questions and I have to make sure the test is loaded properly. After question 40, I'm exhausted. I go home and Aggie isn't looking too good. Doc can see her if I can get there in 15 minutes! I rev up the batmobile and pray there are no men in blue in the general vicinity. Almost a hundred dollars later I have prescriptions for valium and phenobarbital in addition to the keppra she is already on being increased!! Off to the pharmacy for meds. Finally get back home and there's a message from the dean at the college telling me that I cannot return back to work because one of my colleagues has tested positive for the virus! Yes, the colleague who I so enjoy chatting with! Bright side is that I still get paid and I can keep an eye on Aggie while she adjus8to all this medication. When life gives us lemons, we make lemonade!!

Hugs to all my ladies!! Sending love and good vibes from the Carolinas

 

OMG!!! What a day! Bless you for being able to find a silver lining.

I hope Aggie does well on her new medications and I especially pray that you do not catch Covid. We are in that age range where we "should" be ok and recover well but still old enough to be at risk should we happen to catch it. We have been very fortunate here in Nova Scotia and have had no community spread at all. My son-in-law is away for work this week to another part of the country and has just discovered the town he is in is now a hotspot so they are not coming for Thanksgiving after all. Was going to have dinner on Sunday for the whole gang but now will be alone.

I am reliving every moment of Mike's last days...he died on October 11th. Being a nurse is hell...IF I had caused a big fuss when the cardiologist didn't come see him? IF the surgeon who changed his G-tube was more skilled? IF they had worked harder to control his INR? IF they had given him steroids for his lung disease?? He actually had 4 diagnoses any of which may have been the cause of death ... heart failure, sarcoidosis causing lung failure, unconfirmed liver metastasis, and a GI bleed. It was a cascade...they couldn't give him diuretics because of low BP from the bleed, the couldn't give him steroids for his lungs because of the heart failure, they couldn't transfuse for the bleed because of the heart failure, they couldn't stop the bleed because his INR was so elevated, they couldn't confirm the liver mets because of the respiratory failure (he was unable to lie down for a scan). Knowing about what could have maybe helped but also knowing the complications of each treatment leaves so many questions that have no answers. I guess I have to just know it was his time. I expected this week to be hard but am surprised at this train of thought. I guess it is part of processing...examining each aspect of this loss as they come up.

HUGS and prayers.

 

Oh my poor darling!! I fully agree with you that all of our wondering about the what's and the why's IS part of the process. I often beat myself up because I wonder if I had pushed Walter to seek medical attention sooner maybe he would still be here. I don't know and I will probably never know if anything could have made a difference in how things turned out. It sounds like Mike fought a valiant battle with so many things not in his favor. It also sounds like you are being way too hard on yourself. My darling, you have to know that you have no control over his body and it's ability to recover from so much stress. I had no warnings with either my son or my husband's deaths except that both had unseen illnesses. Michael had hemophilia and Walter had uncontrolled hypertension. No matter what actually took them or why we were powerless to keep them with us, we are going to feel as though we should have or could have done more.
I pray that in time we will be perhaps not whole but in a better place than we are now. I am sending, as always, hugs from the Carolinas.

 

What a day! But you made it - you are strong. A day like this gets thrown in once in a while so you remember what you’re made of. Praying for Aggie. Glad you’re going to be able to stay with her and praying no COVID for you. I just rescued a coonhound. Very affectionate and good company. Getting used to each other for the most part. Was used for hunting and needs some indoor manners. Every once in awhile goes into hunting mode while we’re walking. Holy moley. Here’s wishing you a quiet, uneventful night with lots of sleep. God bless you.