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This grief is going to kill me

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by RNgirl, Sep 6, 2020.

  1. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    Love this post!!!!
     
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  2. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

     
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  3. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    My sadness seems to be getting worse rather than better. Michael has been gone for 3 months. This grief journey is so unpredictable and hard. Next weekend I need to go to his house, our second home, to inventory his assets. I am dreading it, as I have never been there without him, and it was always our happy, vacation, hopes for the future of retirement spot. We were renovating it a little at a time and we just had some work done on it that he never even got to see. I pray that there will come a day when I can see cherished memories instead of terrible loss. I am trying to keep busy with things that have meaning and that give me some sense of accomplishment, but every day ends the same way, sadness over him no longer being here to share. I feel like I am just wandering right now. I miss him.
     
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  4. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Good morning JMD. I think the increasing sadness is normal. At least I had that same experience...month number 4 was the worst -it was when the raw pain and shock and disbelief turned into reality. It was a reality of "he is never coming back, this is my life without my Sweetie" . Month 4 I wept. I just allowed myself to cry for 3 solid weeks. When enough people said "Are you going to be alright" I had to make a decision to build my new life. It has been slow, much slower than I ever thought before I had this awful experience. HUGS dear friend. You will be OK.
     
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  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I know how you’re feeling and it’s tough. It’s overwhelming and scary as reality sets in. I had to close our business and walking there for the first time was such an emotional experience. I cried and accomplished nothing. But I kept going back and slowly started making progress. It’s hard to go into your vacation home, our business, and be alone. Do you have anyone who can go with you for support? I know having having people with me as I struggled with Closing and emptying our business helped me a lot. Take it slow, you can do this.
    I’ve had a very difficult time getting through the hurdles of memories. All they did was make me feel worse for a long time. But most the time now, they can make me smile. Our worlds came crashing down on us, it’s to be expected to be a hard mountain to climb. Keep your husband in your heart and mind and think of what he would want for you. That has helped me. Your cherished memories will eventually put a smile on your face, you’ll get there. ❤️
     
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  6. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    Three months sounds like a long time, but in actuality it isn't. It isn't fair for you to come to the conclusion that you are getting worse rather than better. EVery day is different. You cry alot today and don't get out of bed and squeeze your pillow wishing this was all one big bad dream. Tomorrow, you steel yourself and accomplish one or two things on your to-do list. The only thing I know to be true is that no two days are exactly the same. One day I can listen to Walter's voice and find comfort in hearing him and the next day it sounds like nails on a chalkboard and I simply can't listen to him at all. I learn something new about myself each and every day. I had forgotten how resilient I can be when the need arises. I had forgotten how I am not a victim, I am the survivor of a great loss. I remember each day that many, many years ago, Walter told me that one of the things he loved about me was my strength when faced with great odds. I dig in deep and try to bring that strength that he saw out. I refuse to feel bad if I have a bad day and I am hoping you will too. You are entitled to a day, a week , of tears and unhappiness about the love we lost physically. We haven't lost them at all. We are experiencing the "great deployment". I was once married to a sailor on a nuclear submarine and he deployed every 90 days for 90 or so days at a time. It was hard, especially since anything could happen and I might never see him again. Well, this is the longest deployment ever! Just like before, I will do all I can to honor Walter, and live the best life I can.
    As always, I lift you up in prayer and in my thoughts. A hug from the Carolina coast to you.
     
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  7. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    Very sound advice, my friend. It is difficult but it is not undoable. This grief thing is a process. It takes time and doesn't follow any straight paths. If we are patient and keep holding on to good thoughts and feelings, we can survive this and maybe even thrive.
     
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  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thrive, that is definitely something to work towards. Thank you, adding that to my thoughts, towards a goal. I honor Ron each and every day and want him to be proud I’m his wife. He was always proud, I can’t let him down now. We are each other’s one and only, he’d be proud if I could thrive.
    Part of the difficulty is that people don’t understand the overwhelming pain and expect us to be ok in such a short time. What we each had, the love the life, grew each day, there’s no switch to turn that off, yet people don’t get it. I told a relative at 5 months that I was managing as best I can and live a day at a time. Her reply was, still? That’s how people react, we've all experienced it and it adds to the pain.
    Putting positive thoughts in each day, moving to make our blood flow and moving forward at our own pace is very helpful.
     
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  9. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thanks for this post. I just seem to be crying so much lately, just from sheer missing him. So many people tell me how strong I am and I feel anything but. I am surviving day by day. Michael also would tell me how strong I was. The great deployment....til we see each other again. I am going to join all of you, today you are my lifeline, in honoring Michael and our love, and the life we wanted to live together. Love and prayers.
     
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  10. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am going to go to the house on Halloween weekend and a work friend is going to go with me. I know it will be emotional, but it can also be a very peaceful place. Watching the water from the deck is a good memory. We have a plan B if it is too much to stay in the house. I managed to get brother to stop bothering me by sending the letter, but he has been active elsewhere, calling Michael’s workplace about benefits and tax forms. Luckily I have a great relationship with them and they called me instead without giving him information. Amazing greed. Will be OK in the long run but makes it harder. I really admire your focus on your love for Ron and honoring and making him proud. That is also my priority, it just feels like my emotions have derailed me lately. Going back to my lists. That may help. Thanks for the encouragement, praying for strength and peace for all.
     
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  11. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thanks for this post. It helps to know you experienced something similar. I have had to learn that even though the loss and hurt are so fresh, there are a select few who get that, and who are OK with my emotions at this point. A small circle of friendship, trust and support. And not who I thought it was going to be either. Very interesting. This thread has been a lifesaver over the past few days. Prayers of peace to all of you.
     
  12. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m glad you have someone to go with you, it still won’t be easy but you will have support. That’s important. Watching the scenery from your deck sounds wonderful, I hope you’re able to take it in and possibly enjoy. It could cause a lot of emotions, but you know that. Ron and I enjoyed going to the beach often, my first visit back was with my daughter, I cried a river. I did feel a connection to him while I was there though and that did calm me. I’m able to go more often now without being hysterically crying but it’s still emotional and he’s missing. But I know Ron wants me to go for the both of us.
    I’m glad the brother is not bothering you personally any more but he’s still being persistent. Thankfully Michaels work place did the right thing. Greed is ugly and you don’t need that on top of everything else.
    Honoring and loving Ron is how I make it through each day, it puts him where I need him. I can hear his calm voice talking me through things and I listen. I know that’s your priority too, it’s helpful. Our emotions are what they are, they’re so close to the surface and burst at any moment. That’s ok and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Crying, screaming, jealous of couples we see and don’t even know, are all ok. My husband was in good health and not overweight, and taken way too soon, and when I see people much older and out of shape and they don’t contribute to society, it makes me angry. I try not to go there with the thoughts of how can Ron be gone and people like this still here. It’s unfair of me but it does make me ache.
    Going into your vacation home, take it slow and steady and lean on your friend for support. And know Michael is there with you. You can’t see or feel or talk to him but he’s there with you and hopefully giving you strength. You were/are life partners, he’s a part of you. ❤️
     
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  13. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thanks for this post. One of Michael’s good friends contacted me today to see when I might be coming. I called him and we had a great talk and shared some memories. We miss him....and agreed that we were lucky to have had him in our lives. He is also glad that I’ll be going with someone. I told him I am keeping it sort of quiet since there have been some family troubles. He said he had been hearing some things. All I am planning really is to go, get through it, make a list of things that have to be accounted for with his estate, clean and survive. I am going to try to see his sister, she lives nearby. Not sure how that will go. I think will be ok. Interesting how vulnerable I feel without him here running interference for me. I have been talking to him a lot, like you are talking to Ron. That seems to ground me a bit - I knew him so well, knew what he would do, so it calms me down some when I’m upset. Hoping and praying for the best.
     
  14. RNgirl

    RNgirl Active Member

    I am so sorry honey. These first months are hard. Concentrate on breathing and cry as much as you need. Eventually the grief will ease a bit and give you breaks. We understand and you will make it through.
     
  15. RNgirl

    RNgirl Active Member

    Grief is scary. I did the same thing to people i loved who were grieving....i didn't know. Now i know
     
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  16. RNgirl

    RNgirl Active Member

    Karen, I hope you are well. I think of you every day...all of you. I have been having a hard time. I am going to the beach today. I hope to find my soul or at least a small part of it. I don't know who I am right now. I am trying to focus on being good to people....and having gratitude.
     
  17. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Wonderfully put!! Some days I am strong, and forging forward, and know life has much more planned for me, then some days I feel like "who are you trying to kid?' and that I have no idea of how to do this. I like the days which are neither...the ones when I can know that I ache for Mike's presence AND can see happiness in my future. This living with grief is a very new skill and we must allow ourselves time to learn. HUGS
     
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  18. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Feeling competent this week...I changed the gasket on the door of the wood stove; I installed a new dryer vent; I cleaned, fertilized and mulched my gardens; and did the final mowing of the lawn for the season. Tomorrow I will clean the mower (including taking off the deck) and change the oil for winter storage. Cleaned my Vespa last week so will also change the oil in it..will be ready to ride as soon as the sun is warm come spring! These are all things that Mike just did without me having to even think about them. I hope I said Thank you! often enough.
     
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  19. Howlingdawg

    Howlingdawg Member

    Does anyone feel like not eating? I just really have no desire, but sit and distract myself and eat without thinking about it..... sometimes.
    My Karen passed in a very traumatic way, mostly over the course of day, hated docs, missed the appendicitis, and in the hours to get to the hospital I watched her go down so fast.
    I'm not sure why I have little desire to do anything, I force myself to do daily tasks. I feel empty, we were so perfect for each other with a new house in Bahia de Los Angeles we bought 30 days before.
    I guess I still blame myself, if we had gone night before, but my counselor made it clear you can't go down that road, which I've done.
    I just can't figure out what to do. I bought a piano for down here and have a young man helping/adopted us, but I'm not very inspirational for his young needs to being active and engaged.
    Then friends here help, make dinner for us tonight, put him to work dozing a new driveway.
    I did play the piano this morning (Mendelssohn piano trios) and then free jazz that went well.
    I think that releases my heart and mind, it was the plan, but not getting enough time in on it.

    I wonder if someone replies will I see it.
    I see I have am the same place as everyone else.
     
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  20. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. Yes my friend, grief has also taken away my interest in eating. Before Michael passed, we loved to cook and eat dinner together. I could eat a grape and gain weight. Now, I eat pretty much the same thing everyday, scheduled meals because I know I need to. I’ve lost over 20 pounds in four months. Grief takes a lot of energy to get through. You are not alone and this is normal. Make sure you eat, drink water, get some rest, and reach out to others who understand. You will find a lot of support here. Saying a prayer for you and Karen.