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The goal isn't to "move on" from grief

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Jeffsjohnson, Jul 19, 2020.

  1. Jeffsjohnson

    Jeffsjohnson Member

    I'm reading a lot of books about grief and seeing a grief therapist. They all say that the end game isn't to move on with your life. Instead it is to first feel your grief, and then build a world where you can live with it.

    I don't want to "move on" from my dear wife. But I do want to learn to live a life without here that isn't so painful.
    Mary0128 and edj9 like this.
  2. darren1234

    darren1234 Member

    sorry for u and i being here ,when u learn how, let me know i`m 11 days in and still in shock.
    edj9 likes this.
  3. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    11 days is so recent. You prolly don't want to hear this, but you can't expect to be OK so soon. Just be kind to yourself and allow yourself to fall apart, as long as you don't harm yourself, or neglect your own health. It's ok to be not ok.
  4. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    I, too, don't want to move on. That phrase connotes "leaving behind," or "abandoning." I prefer "keep going", or "persevering." I will carry Chuck and grief for his loss until I die myself.
    glego likes this.
  5. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    I think of it as moving forward. One step at a time. Jeff is always the first person I think of in the morning and the last at night. I'm not sure I want to leave that behind, it is comforting to me. So this is me 2.5 years after losing my Love moving forward. I can tell you that it's been slow, somedays I take a few steps back, but I am learning to live with only the memories of what was.
    Barry, glego and edj9 like this.
  6. whitlowing3

    whitlowing3 Member

    I can’t stop missing my husband or move on; I just need to learn to live my life while still missing him. He will always be in my heart.
    Barry and glego like this.
  7. whitlowing3

    whitlowing3 Member

    This is encouraging. It has only been 4 months since I lost my husband and I can’t picture my future without him. So many dreams need to be reimagined now...going through life alone is not what I pictured. Very hard right now.
    glego and Mary0128 like this.
  8. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    I still think of the dreams we had for our future. We had just built our house in the woods. We have been looking at the land for years, we finished building a year prior to Jeff's diagnosis, he lived for only 6 months after his diagnosis. It's hard to vision a future when you miss someone so much.
    Barry and glego like this.
  9. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Today is July 31st, it's the date that five years ago I took him into the ER because he was so ill, some strange pneumonia that they couldn't diagnose for awhile. It was the first day of many doctor visits and hospitalizations, he fought hard, it soon will be 9 months that he passed away. Same here, so many dreams shattered and not what I pictured either.

    I've said on other threads, I look at grief as something I need to make friends with because it doesn't go away. I try to channel it's energy into carrying on and honoring my husband's memory, I carry him in my heart and mind, decisions I make and actions I take always are as if he were at my side. I know he's not here physically and I'm learning to accept that, however he will always be walking with me at my side.
    Barry, whitlowing3 and edj9 like this.
  10. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. I'm 9 months in tomorrow. I had a sudden loss too. A brain aneurysm took my sweet, kind, loving wife away from me. We were together almost 25 years. Take care of your health. Grieving is so hard on you. Peace.
    glego likes this.