I lost my best friend to suicide and i feel like its all my fault. He sent me his goodbye letter saying he was doing it all for me. i ave so much guilt, nightmares and more. How do i handle this, what can i put my energy into?
Jessi, I am so sorry for your loss. That is a lot to put on a person, and it's hard to imagine not carrying this terrible burden that has been left in the wake of loss. But I am pleased to see that you ask the question about what you can put your energy into. It's a very insightful question and it says to me that you understand you can not and should not put all of your energy into guilt and second guessing. Before we get to that though I want you to ask yourself - how much are we in charge of another person's life? Despite our hopes, intentions, and even our words and actions...in the end, how much control does any of us have over another person? How much control do we even have over our own life? I think it's a very important question to consider because we do take so much blame and we usually are ready to shoulder the burden for what's happened to someone else, but why should we? When mental health issues (and addictions, and trauma and abuse and anything else that can be impacting a person) have such a deeper and stronger hold? Our love and our intentions can be no match for those things, no matter how much we may want them to be or how hard we try. Your energy, therefore, may start with the things you can control. The day to day tasks that make up our lives, and the action of literally putting one foot in front of the other as you try to move forward. No one else can let you off the hook. I would assume (and even hope!) that others are telling you not to feel bad and not to feel guilty, and in my own way I'm doing that here. But it's not enough. YOU have to believe it. You have to feel it, and you will have to put your time and energy into feeling it and believing it. Do research on mental illness and suicide. Become familiar with the plight of survivors and how common it is to feel as you do. In time, perhaps get involved with suicide prevention. Help others, give back - put your energy into making sure that no one else has to suffer in the way you and your friend have had to suffer. Getting support does help, and I'm so glad you've found us - I hope we can be a help to you~
Thank you s much for all of that. There's a quote i always think to when it comes to some of the things you asked me. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can; and the wisdom to know the difference." It's hard to keep some emotions in check especially when they're brought on by other people. in the end we can only control what is in our minds and our own bodies. no one else. The reason I feel I'm taking so much blame and guilt is because of everything he said in his goodbye letter. I didn't know before the letter that he was in love with me, or so he said. it seemed more like obsession. Him saying the reason why he's taking his self out is because that's the only way for ME to be free from him, to save ME. is mom contacts me everyday, i love her she's a sweet heart but I don't always know what to say. I'm a survivor myself of attempted suicide, ex drug addicted, and I have mental illnesses from the trauma and just everything the world has put me thru. i know for a fact that there's hope. I got my shit together and this is the happiest I've felt (besides losing the closest person to me) I think what upsets me the most is i know he could've made it passed this. It's up to that person and only that person to want to get better and change their mind set, be positive, look for help. Suicide was not the answer, the easiest option but there's always a way out. People cant do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. That's insane.
