Sudden, Surreal & Blank Canvas

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by KVR, Mar 25, 2020.

  1. KVR

    KVR Active Member

    I am a new member. I lost my husband of sudden heart attack on November 26, 2019. He was 53. It was one week after we returned from celebrating our 25th anniversary abroad. There he said good bye to his family, although I would not have known it then. We met abroad when I was 19. We grew up together. We have 2 children. He died at work, so that evening, my new life began. When I read a post written by a another widow, I joined this network. My husband was my best friend and life now is strange, surreal, complicated, difficult. My anxiety is hard to manage. Half of a life with a person is a life time, middle age is complicated as is it, figuring out what you want to keep and what you want to leave behind, watching children grow up, thinking about your purpose in life. Now alone, it is strangely blank, and not blank, there are so many memories that make up my identity. We had always planned to move abroad, to where he and his family are from, now I wonder if that country can be my home without him. Every day is different.
     
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  2. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    Yes, I understand completely. I lost my husband almost six months ago. We had so many plans for our future and now they are gone. Still trying to figure out life with out him.
     
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  3. KVR

    KVR Active Member

    Hi, thanks for responding. How are you coping? What are some of the things you've found helpful. Dealing with this and shortly after, the corona virus is overwhelming
     
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  4. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    Hi, just taking one day at a time and trying to not get overwhelmed with everything going on in this world today. If I think or watch on tv too much of it then I get a lot of anxiety . It makes u think of your own morality and your other love ones. I have already lost so much, I don’t know how u could stand anymore. I am spending a lot of time with my daughter and my grandchildren so that has helped pass the time. And just pray my family stays healthy and safe. I am going home on Friday but I really don’t know how long I will be able to stay alone in the house. If it wasn’t for the virus , I think a lot of us would be doing better. It is just scary times . I know that probably didn’t help u any but at least you know u won’t be alone in your thinking . Hope you do okay. Keep in touch, it does help to talk to others online.
     
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  5. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    KVR,

    I too wish to say how sorry I am for your loss. When we meet someone and fall in love, our lives change. We might talk to what tomorrow could bring, and that we want to share our lives with another.

    When we marry and have children, they are born out of our love for one another. So we change as our lives change, but we still plan for our new future. Though today seems so hard to get a grasp on with all the strife in the world, and the possible danger to us all now, that of course is no reason to ever give up.

    As we age, and our outlook and plans again change, we still draw upon all that has happened to us in the past. Our lives are interwoven, our plans changed as time changed. However, when the worst thing happens and the one who we made all these plans with is no longer with us, this new life we now have is such a huge unknown.

    Like you, I was married for 42 years, over half of my life, almost half a century. Nadine, my wife was such a part of me. I like you, and everyone else, might never have made plans for such a future without the one who we loved so much. So we are at a loss. How do you move forward in life, alone, without the one who you confided with in life.

    The most amazing thing over the years is how I realized that our two children have the beautiful insight that Nadine raised them with. Sometimes their answers are so much better than my own.

    I understand, though she may no longer be physically present with me anymore, she is deeply inset with my two sons, and so I listen to them a lot. Their outlook for tomorrow comes from a different time and so their thoughts are not cluttered perhaps with all that has happened in the past. So I am always happy, to just let them talk when they do and I have even grown some as a person from their words.

    KVR, what tomorrow brings is not yet set in stone. You have to trust in yourself and let your conscience be your guide. I hope you will find some peace forward, and also make sure to take care of your own well being.

    -david

    This song is for you

     
  6. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Hello everyone,
    I'm new here. Just joined the group. My boyfriend of many years passed away 2 weeks ago in his sleep. I'm a doctor in ICU for babies. First one week I tried staying very busy and didn't acknowledge the fact that he was gone. I guess I was in denial. Then it started to sink in. I was let off today because I can't function without breaking down ever so often. We were so in love, we were going to get married after I finished my residency at the hospital. I feel lost, he was everything to me. I'd spend whatever little time I got with him. I have no friends, no one. I feel like killing myself. I have nothing to live for. I will never be able to breathe again without this immense crushing pain inside of me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I can get through this. Its just too painful.
     
  7. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    Having the one we love no longer with us is one of the toughest things we will ever face in life. I am sorry for your loss, and hope there will be better days ahead for you.

    I see you are one of the heroes in life, who take care of those most vulnerable in life, for that thank you. Please don’t ever dwell on those bad thoughts you have for yourself.

    Being at a loss on how to cope with your current situation, especially with covid-19 and shelter in place orders we all might be under is an impossible time. It is going to take some time for you to recover.

    Now that you have found this site, you are among people who have suffered so many losses in their lives. My own wife of 42 years passed from cancer, it will be 5 years next month. What I found was this loss affected me so much, especially because as time passed those who said their sorries moved on.

    I searched after leaving Facebook.com, after my account had an attempted hacking and closed both my wife’s and my account. So I searched for other places to release my emotions that kept building up inside of me. Tears were plenty, I felt sorry for myself, but I did not give up on life, or myself.

    I talked to a therapist, to priests and so many people over and over. The one thing I kept realizing as I talked and opened up my emotions were raw, so very raw, I would cry, have a heavy feeling inside and just didn’t know what to do.

    So as I searched for other sites to talk to others, I started watching videos of so many things. I opened all my albums, all my old home videos, all the slides we had collected during our years together and took my time to absorb what I had lost.

    Let me also say Nadine, my wife was an amazing person, as you must be as well to become a doctor. She experienced so much in life, but never put herself above others, she always found a way to talk to others. She had an acute memory ability, one that you would say is abnormal, I used to admire her for how she resolved so many things in life.

    Abc, while life might seem hopeless right now that is your grief taking ahold of you. It is not easily overcome and takes time to recover from your broken heart. Now, I kept watching videos, some of pet rescues, some of people helping other people and still others of wedding proposals, I have known crazy since my wife had passed on.

    I found that each of these videos were videos with happy endings, sure they would not change my life, but they somehow made me feel so much better inside each time I watched. Tears flowed freely.

    Then I started listening to music. What I found was that at first violin music seemed to affect me the most for some reason. Sure music with words is also great, but those violins seemed to help me calm down inside more and more each day. As time has passed I have started to increase my Youtube.com collection, you see in real life I have accumulated over 3k music of all sorts, vinyl, 8-track, cassette, tape recordings.

    I am not sure how much you love music but this is just some of the music I have added to my channel

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkOiFVSICXoJFxZsKk4micA/playlists?view_as=new+visitor

    You should be able to listen to anything there without subscribing. You can see all the violin music I added.

    I have so much more to say but don’t wish to talk too much right now and scare you off. Just take you time slowly right now, and focus on your own well being. You come first, today forward.

    We are all here to listen, and are friendly. Talk when you like.

    I wish to provide you with this melody. There are no words, just music and dance


     
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    ABC, I am so very sorry for your loss, I know you’re feeling desperate and alone, I know how you’re feeling and it’s a feeling youv’e never felt before. Nothing in life can prepare you for this. That’s what makes us break down, because it feels that bad. The loss of my husband was sudden also. Sitting watching tv and all the sudden he had symptoms of a stomach virus, that changed to chest pains from that moment to losing my soulmate was 2 hours. I remember every single thing we did that day. And how fast he went down that evening. I was told it was a massive heart attack and even if he saw a heart doctor the day before they wouldn’t have seen it. I understand you feelings of not wanting to go on, your life is in turmoil, nothing is the same, your body and mind ache. But just think of your boyfriend and how much he loved you, you know he’d want you to keep trying and not give up. You have to try for his memory for his sake. I believe you probably were in denial. How could you not be, we all experience that. How can this be happening, is this real?
    Going to work probably felt like that’s what you wanted to do. Something normal, but it may have been too much. Take care of you, and only try to get through this moment. Then think of the next. Be easy on yourself. You’re going through a life changing event. Do nothing if that feels the best. I know I did next to nothing for quite a while. Step outside get some fresh air.
    You’ve come to right place, people here get it, we totally understand we’re dealing with struggles as well.
    Remember, your boyfriend will always be with you, he’s in your heart to stay, he’s a part of you. And he wants you to be ok.
    Try to post or read or both. It’s very helpful, you’ll find compassionate people here. We’re here to help each other, we’re here to help you. David gave you great advice, hopefully something we e written help you get to that next moment.
    Thoughts are with you, sending hugs.
     
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  9. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thank you for writing to me. I'm sorry it hurts too much and I can't really think straight. I don't want to do anything. Nothing feels okay. I'm trying though to get through each hour as it passes by. Life doesn't hold anything good for me anymore. I don't know how long I can pull along with this pain. You're very strong, I'm not sure if I am. I'm sorry if I disappointed you. I listened to the music you sent, thank you. Steve used to send me songs all the time and he'd joke I could listen to them in between shifts so I wouldn't forget him. He'd tell me to say hi to the babies in the NICU for him. He was so adorable. I wish I had died with him that day too. I'm left here all by myself. I reach out but he's not there. Nobody's there. It's over. Everything is over. I'm sorry for being so hopeless.
     
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  10. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thank you writing to me. It means a lot to know there's someone out there. I'm trying but it doesn't feel worth it. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just weak. I can't even think straight. His voice keeps echoing in my ear. This pain just won't leave me alone.
     
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  11. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc, this sorrow, this grief, this pain you feel is unforgiven. It takes us all to a place we don't wish to be. I have found that sometimes words though hard to come by might not at first be how we wish to deal with our loss. Music in that case can speak to us, for us, and help us cope in so many ways.

    Today one song might be the perfect song for a person. Tomorrow another might be needed, and so we all listen as we might cry, we might release those emotions that so strongly have each of us in a grip.

    Abc, this is some songs I have put up available to listen to
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkOiFVSICXoJFxZsKk4micA/playlists?view_as=new+visitor
    Listen if you wish.

    Please don't wish your life away. I know missing the one who we planned our life with is so terrible. You are important, not just to your children.

    Home is where the heart is. I learned that so long ago, away from home for the first time in my life, sitting in a bunker on guard duty in Vietnam on my first of two tours there. There was an attack going on, on the other side of the base, people lost their lives, I was just a scared nineteen year kid, hoping for tomorrow. After I returned home, life seemed so precious to me. Small things meant a lot to me.

    I will just say, take time with your thoughts, I know tears will be plenty, but you just need time slowly move through this immense pain you are now faced with. Peace be with you today, and the days forward.

    -david

    This song is for you today.

     
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  12. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    ABC, My heart is aching for you right now. Everything you describe is how I felt. We actually talked about wanting to go together so neither of us would be left to mourn alone. You definitely are NOT weak. You’re a person who lost the most important person in her life. Your feelings are so normal. Sure I had days where I wish it was me gone instead of him, or that I can’t do this any more. I have guilt over tossing the aspirin and not replacing, over not checking on him sooner etc. but nothing would have changed this horrible outcome. It’s all about the grief messing things around in your head because you hurt that much. I’m hoping you hear his voice say I love you! I’m with you! Because he does and he is.
    Do you have siblings or any family reaching out and giving support? I’m hoping you do, and that you talk to them. This is a difficult journey we’re all on, any support is good.
    Make yourself a cup of coffee, tea, hot chocolate what ever, and find a comfortable spot to sit and sip take in some deep breathes hold and let out slowly. Breathe in as deep as you can, multiple times, while sitting. That helped me through many a day, still does.
    ABC, you are certainly not weak, you’re a loving caring person whose in a lot of pain.
    I’m praying for you, sending hugs! I. Glad you keep posting. ❤️
    Robin
     
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  13. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thanks for your support. I'm trying though it doesn't amount to much. I've been with Steve for almost 10 years, when I began med school, through internship, MD, residency and my fellowship in Neonatal ICU. I can't remember ever being without him and now I feel so alone. I had him, I never needed anyone else. With these crazy working hours I'd spend whatever little time I got with him. So I don't have any friends. My parents have their own troubles, I can't turn to them. It's just me now with Steve gone. I know everything good in my life is over. It will never be the same. I will never be okay again. This agony is just too much on me. I wish I could say there was something I still had to live for but I don't. I can't stop my heart from hurting, it's hard to even breathe easy, I feel crippled with anguish. I see no respite because nothing will bring him back. You don't have to waste your time on me. I don't think I'm worth it. Maybe if I die too, might see him again. I'm just hopeless. I'm sorry.
     
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  14. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thank you, your songs help even though it hurts so bad. Thank you for sharing your list with me. I know I should try but the truth is I don't have anything to live for. To even try. For what? We said we'd always be together, he said I'd never have to worry about losing him, that he'd never leave and now he's gone. Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to deal with all this pain and tears alone? I know it sounds bad but every time I feel myself falling asleep I pray and wish I die in my sleep too, that I don't wake up. I'm emotionally and mentally spent, I can't handle this pain much longer. I don't think I deserve to live. I'm all alone in this. I'm sorry if I disappointed you. I didn't mean to.
     
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  15. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You are so worth every second of every minute, hour day and more. You’re a wonderful caring person, who got thrown an awful curve ball. This is such a recent loss you’re feeling the same things as everyone else. You’re not weak but you’re in pain. Ron and I didn’t need friends either, we were so happy with each other. I let many friendships go and I’m wishing now I hadn’t. Does your family live close or Steve’s family. At the very least be in touch with them all. I understand your parents have things going on in their lives but give them a call, check on them and let them know you’re having a difficult time. Believe me, they would want to know. They’d be crushed if anything happened to you. I’m afraid none of us will ever be the same, this loss changes us in many ways and everything takes a long time. I know there’s people who love and care about you, you just aren’t feeling it right now because there’s too much pain.
    I still say, is this really real, did this really happen? Because we all want it to not be real, we want our person back, our life back. Ron and I were together since I was 16 and he was 19, 44 years together, 41 married. I don’t know how to act or be without him by my side. It’s so hard, but I have 2 children that still need me in their lives, and they’re my reason to keep going when I’m feeling extra low.
    You are not hopeless, and you have nothing to be sorry about. You’re hurting and your world has been turned upside down. Try to keep talking, that helps so much. Know that you are loved and cared for.
     
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  16. skies24

    skies24 Well-Known Member

    I’m sorry for this unbearable pain you are going though. God it sucks!!! The anger. The questions. The what if’s. It’s all a mind *uck. You are strong. You will get by. You won’t be the same person but you will be a stronger version of yourself. Reach out to his family. It will help them as well as you. Even if it’s a quick text. There are going to be a lot of shitty days. But once in awhile there is going to be okay moments. We need to piece together together all of those okay moments. And as for your work. Look at you. God those babies need you. You are saving lives. It may not look like it now but you will be okay. Theses awful times in life suck!
     
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  17. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    This dread you have of having to go forward in life alone is normal after you loss of your husband. I know there were days I wanted to give up, even after I unloaded on so many family and friends over time on how bad I felt for losing Nadine.

    You struggled so hard to become a doctor. My wife did the same in her pursuit in business. She even helped put me through college. You accomplished an amazing feat by going all the way through successfully in medical school, Nadine eventually became a VP for Compupay running the Taxation department. I am sure you made your husband proud of you, as did Nadine for me.

    The world needs competent people like you, ones who are driven to help others in life. Even though your grief overrides your job at the moment, you will always have those innate skills for the rest of your life. You are a hero to so many mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, and so many people.

    I am sure some days at work and as a child was ill and recovered, you must have been filled with pride on that occasion. I know, as a soldier for 12 plus years so many people made me proud to have served with all their compliments.

    Without those who give of themselves for others, even as hard as it is sometimes in life, I imagine many parents were thankful for people such as you, I know I was when my wife was having her first baby and almost developed toxemia, but happily the doctors and nurses saved both her life and my first son’s life.

    This pain that has such a strong hold right now on you is awful. Just know that as you talk, as you cry, and you wish for the pain in your heart and mind to end, it is your grief speaking for you. You just need to keep talking, to a therapist, to a priest, to others, and keep posting here on this site. I will admit it won’t be easy, but your life is very important.

    I am reminded of a poem, provided here:



    When I hear this poem I see you, all the potential of your life, you are what this world needs. Please take the time to get the rest you need. Keep talking and please never give in to despair, we are all here for you in this great time of need. Peace be with you today.

    -david

    This is another song for you today. This is more of a spiritual song for you.

     
  18. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thab
    Thank you for taking out the time. I am trying to not think too far ahead, just one day at a time but the questions that keeps haunting me are why try at all? Why go through this? There's nothing left in life. I'm trying to keep my mind off these. My heart keeps asking that what if there's a chance that I can see him again if I die too, wouldn't it atleast be worth it, to see him one more time? Maybe I am losing my mind. Your posts help to keep me grounded. Thank you.
     
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  19. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thank you, that was a very beautiful song. How did you get these? Thank you for sharing them with me. Your wife seems like a strong good hearted person, there aren't many of those in today's world. You were lucky to have her and she was lucky to have you, being in the army and so appreciative and all. With this corona lockdown I can't see any therapist or anyone. I'm trying, but the pain is just heart wrenching and all I see is the futility in carrying on but for now, with your help, I'm holding on. God knows there's no reason for me to hang on to but I am for now. Thanks to you. Thank you.
     
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  20. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thank you for caring. My head hurts, my eyes hurt from crying so much. I'm not sure about contacting his nephew. He lost both his parents and he wasn't close with other, just his nephew. I don't want to burden anybody. I wish so bad that he had taken me with him. Thanks for writing to me. I loose contact with reality with these relentless thoughts of dying to see him again and then your posts help me get in touch with reality. I hope this pain passes, it's too much on me. You guys were together a long time, I wish I had that too. I'm 34 years old and there were some things that happened and I never wanted kids and he was okay with that. We loved each other too much and that was enough. We were enough for each other. I never imagined ever being without him. I'm trying for now to feel some peace in some way, I'm trying. Thank you
     
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