Sudden and unexpected

Karen, your word about Jack's cancer
spreading like an "octopus" brings back a
horrible memory of Linda going into the
hospital, with both a lump in one of her
breasts, and excruciating pain in her back.
We were at home, on a weekend, and I gave her Tylenol, Motrin, and Advil, and
nothing worked. When Linda was in her
hospital bed, a doctor said he was going
to try to deal with both issues. Linda
wanted morphine for her back, like she
did years before, when we lived in a
different state. She had endometrial
cancer at the time. However, this
hospital policy was to give a smaller,
weaker painkiller which would not be
addictive. I had to push for more pain
meds, both at the hospital, and then, at
the rehab/nursing home. One day, when I
was in a store, I got a call from Linda's
oncology doctor, that the cancer had
spread. I told her I would rush to Linda's
bedside. When I arrived, Linda had
already got the bad news, via her favorite
nurse. Linda & I hugged in front of the
nurses. Linda said she was "stubborn" and
would "fight" this cancer & win. I believed
her. She struggled with physical therapy,
with determination. I'm going to start
crying, so I'll stop now. The important
thing for all of us to remember is that we
did all we could, but couldn't "save" our
soulmates. You may want to reread Tom
Zuba's passage, when he said his late
wife & 2 children accomplished their
mission, on earth ( to paraphrase), and it was their time to leave their physical
bodies behind. It's a hard concept, but I'm
trying to accept it. Lou

 

Karen, Linda said the same thing about the
1950s , when we were children. Life
seemed so much simpler & kinder then.
Linda had a tough childhood ( her
younger brother died from a rare illness
at 10. Linda was only 12. She would go into
her room & play records of the "girl" bands
of the 50s, and later, the Beatles. When we
met, I was amazed that she knew all the
lyrics. Both of us grew up on innocent
TV shows, like Leave it to Beaver, and
The Andy Griffith Show, in the 60s. We lived in a world of rotary, not cell phones,
record albums, not CDs, enjoyable old
fashioned movie theaters, where people
were quiet & considerate. Linda had a
very hard time adjusting to a noisier,
more densely populated, less kind world.
I wish she got to meet you & Deb, and you
could've been friends. Lou

 

Thanks for connecting with me Karen. I’m so sorry about losing Jack. There just is no good way to go for anyone. I really like your phrase the answer is in the shadows. I appreciate reading everyone’s posts tonight. I so grateful to be able to communicate with everyone and just be myself. I told the grief support group tonight I have found a safe haven where people support and encourage each other while sharing their sufferings. No one had ever heard of GIC before. My vote goes to Lou also for being our go to guy in our moments of crisis. Deb I didn’t tell everyone how I felt the first day I went to volunteer. I was very unstable that day and I thought about leaving at the beginning. One of the volunteers Kim led me around the campus and showed me the lay of the land. I told her I was feeling a lot of emotions and I had just lost Cheryl 3 months ago. When I got back to the main group the weeding project was waiting for me to dive into. A potato shovel was handed to me. Without thinking I started working. The work distracted me from all my negative emotions. And then I felt a part of the group. It was a real learning curve. I stumbled forward. That’s my battle cry today stumble forward. The worst place I can be is trapped in my own head. I’m going to get off my soapbox now. Fellowship with you all tomorrow. love you all. Gary

 

OMG, Lou you both went through hell, especially Linda who struggled to live. I usually don't tear up, but this post did it. I did read Tom's passage, 'time to leave their physical bodies behind'. I have a hard time with that only because, does it make us feel better or not? But, what about all the incident young girls and boys and children, men in comback, people, who die from the hands of war and criminals. Is that there time to die in such a horrific way? Disease takes our bodies and we die, or in a accident, okay I can understand that, but shooting someone, rape, stabbing NO. I can't believe a loving God would take us that way. God gave us a choice to love or to hate, we can choose, but the mentally ill do not know choice. Okay, I'm done here.

I'm sorry I just got into a rage thinking of everything I read on the news about some incident person getting shot or raped or a husband killing his baby. It really upsets me.

Wake up and look outside, it's a new day, Linda's birthday I think? Don't forget to smile up at her, she's in God's paradise. K

 

Yes, a friend told me after she lost her husband and she knew Jack was ill she said, "Karen, stay out of your head". So true. I had never thought of it that way. Good night, Oh, keep weeding, weeds will never let you down, they will never die. Ha!

 

Gary, I'm humbled and flattered by your
praise of me as a go to guy. The fact is that
I don't know what I would do without
being able to check in, morning and
night, with my very close friend, Deb. Now, I feel blessed that one of the first people
I met, Karen, is back, with all her strength,
and even humor, in this terrible journey.
It also gives me great satisfaction to "talk"
with other widowers, like you & George.
The fact that you will read & discuss the 2
books I suggested, means a great deal to me. I'm not sure that I could lift that
shovel, like you did, Gary. As much as I
like to be with people, I must have quiet
time by the ocean, or in a park, or in my
apartment, to reflect, even if I don't
practice meditation. Good to see you here,
as always. Lou

 

Karen, Linda felt like you. She could never
understand why her innocent little brother died,
or the children at St. Jude's Hospital, died from
cancer, and Nazi war criminals lived to a ripe
old age, in comfort. She fought with God, and
felt cursed & doomed since childhood. She
said the only thing keeping her going, was me.
I believe that God created our universe in all
its' intricate glory, but that some men & women
do unspeakable evil things to each other. I
choose not to have a TV, and limit myself to
news headlines on mute. Hope you can seek
serenity, and keep away from evil that we can't
do anything about. Thank you for your kind
words about my beloved Linda. Lou

 

On page 91, Tom talks about, Quote: "What if you decided to believe? Who would you be?" and so on. He doesn't say he believes he just asks us what if we believed....

Lou, all I can say as reading all your posts about your life with Linda and everything you say about her -- you have been a very LUCKY man to have had 25 years with Linda, in love, life and, "To Death Do Us Part". The love you and Linda had and still have in spirit is something a lot of people never experience is why it's so painful.

It's 8PM and it's 11 where you are so I'll say goodnight until you open up your post tomorrow Am. K

 

Thank you, Karen. You are absolutely right
that I was lucky to have met Linda, the love of my life. When we said our wedding
vows in that little Island Chapel in Las Vegas, we cried during the ceremony. When I look back, we were very much
alone ( aside from the minister, our only
witness was the photographer), bc we
chose not to invite our parents, who were
toxic and didn't share our happiness. The
Chapel is gone now, but I kept the wedding
photos in a safe place. Someday, I will be
able to look at them again, without sobbing, but I can't right now, even after
almost 3 years ( I had to think about that
number for a minute, bc I had been
saying " over 2 years", for so long). As for
Zuba, I think I got his belief in God, from
his YouTube videos, which I seem to
remember more than the book. He was
speaking to his audience in a beautiful
church in his hometown in Illinois. The
videos were very moving because they
showed photos of his wife and 2 of his
children, set to music. I've always been
a visual person, and have seen powerful
scenes in movies over & over again. I woke
up at 4am, my time, and decided to check
my emails, and was happy to see yours,
Karen. The more I read your comments,
the more I realize what a wise, sensitive,
and kind woman you are. Both you and
Deb remind me so much of Linda, with
your intelligence and sense of humor. Well, I better get back to sleep. Linda's
birthday is not as traumatic for me, as it
was. Thank you for being there for me. L

 

\

Lou,

Just read your latest message to Karen. It makes me happy to know today, you still feel the same way you did yesterday, that what would have been Linda's birthday, isn't as traumatic for you as you thought it would be. You have come such a long way in the almost three years since Linda passed away, total understatement!!! I know you are making Linda so proud...., so happy... Even though Linda is no longer able to be here with you physically, you will always share a very special relationship with her emotionally... Linda will forever hold the biggest place in your heart. Nothing can or ever will change this.

I hope your morning is off to a good start, that you are enjoying breakfast while looking out over the ocean... and that when you think of Linda today, all those very special and beautiful moments, of the all the magical, wonderful years, you and Linda spent together, will make you smile.... happy mixed with sad (as Robin expresses it so much better than I can) but today, many more smiles than tears...

Have a good and productive day (I know you today is a busy one for you.)

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DE,B

 

Once again, Deb, "great minds think
alike"! I was just about to write to you.
You didn't mention your sad anniversary,
so I hope you can do something to "get
out of your head". You were right. I just
came home from an outdoor breakfast
at Hula Moon, & sat at a table with a
married regular, 73. The next few days
are sunny, beautiful, in the 60s. My
therapist, who forgot our session bc it
was on Columbus Day, will call me today
at 10am. Whenever I'm down, Kim, who
suffered tragedy in her own life, says,
"Lou, it will all work out". I want to
believe she's right. Glad you saw my
middle of night message to Karen. It is
so good to hear from her again. She
sounds better, from her days of the
woman "with a broken arm", trapped
in a hellhole of smoke, on top of her
intense grief. Like us, she has a great
wit, and makes me laugh. A strange
thing happened when I woke up this
morning. For the first time, a I did NOT
cry. I was so focused on getting to the
restaurant, by 7:30, that I actually
forgot it was Linda's birthday. Also, when
I emailed Karen, it occurred to me that
Linda died almost THREE years ago, not
the 2 plus years that I had been saying. I
was also busy texting back to Steven &
Betsy, who are excited to be driving here
on Sat, and I'm excited to see them. Their
last visit here, in March, seems like a long
time ago ( 3 seasons!). Don't feel guilty,
Deb, but the only time I choked up this
morning, is when I read your words:
"that when you think of Linda today.....".
I think I will tell Bob, my therapist, that
this morning was the first morning I
haven't cried. God Bless You, Deb, and
remember that we're here for you. Lou

 

Lou,

I woke up feeling so sad today... I didn't get much sleep, and woke up crying, the empty side of the bed where Bob should be, a constant reminder that he is gone. Fast forward a bit, and as I was heading home from a much needed walk, still crying on and off, my good friend was headed towards me. She had been walking my very favorite "fur baby," and was on her way home, her house in the opposite direction of mine. Just hugging my very favorite fur baby had me in tears again. My friend gave me a big hug and both of us were now crying in the middle of the sidewalk. Long story short, we started talking about signs from our husbands. Right at this moment, a beautiful yellow butterfly flew over my right shoulder, so close to me, he was almost touching me. The butterfly then flew over my friends left shoulder, gradually flying higher and higher into the sky... crossing over to the other side of the street..., flying higher and higher ..., until we could no longer see him. Just like you, we don't believe in coincidences. We believe we were meant to run into each other today. As my friend said it so well, "if that isn't a sign, I don't know what is." I told her this reminded me of what Tom Zuba said in his book, "Permission To Mourn," about how we need to be open to signs from our loved ones. She hasn't read the book, so when she picks me up on Saturday (we're going out for that lunch we weren't able to do last week because of the weather), I'm going to lend her my copy. After hugging my very favorite fur baby, talking to my friend, seeing that beautiful yellow butterfly... it was if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I'm feeling better.

Backing way up, I'm so glad Karen is back. I missed her too!!! However, I'm worried about Patti. I hope she's okay today. She's going through such a dark period. I know all of us are keeping her in our prayers...

It's making me smile that you enjoyed breakfast out, and even forgot that it was Linda's birthday. Lou, as I said to you in a previous post, you've come such a long way in such a short period of time... You are truly an inspiration to all of us!!!

I hope the rest of your afternoon is a good one... "Talk to you later...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, that butterfly was Bob, I truly believe it. When our love one visits us we feel better. Three days after Jack died a little bird sat on a limb every day at 10AM. It was the same bird every day. Jack loved his birds and fed them constantly. I always told him when he dies I'll just bet he comes back as a bird, he laughed. Well, he did. There was no other birds, just this one on the very same limb. I told my granddaughter, she believed it was him. Then one day, about two weeks later, the little bird was gone never to return. I kept looking for him every day and felt sad, but I guess he was called to meet his creator. Silly isn't it.

We must be aware, always, of our love one's spirit and not to miss their presence.

Have you thought about adopting a fur baby dog? Pets are such good companions especially living alone. Did I miss Robin's answer how Teddy is? I'll try to scroll around and see if I missed it.

This group here has become my "rock". Thank you everyone, Karen

 

OK, Deb. This isn't fair. I make you
laugh. You make me cry. I know you don't
mean to. The butterfly got me. May have
mentioned that soon after Linda died, I
trudged up to the home of a grief
counselor. She had no waiting room, so
I would sit out on her deck, trying not to
look at her other clients ( all women,
BTW). When she invited me in, a
butterfly landed on her railing. She made
a big deal about it, and I wanted to say,
"bite me", but stopped myself. I'm much
more enlightened and receptive now! I
really enjoy our conversations with
Karen, George, and Gary. I worry &
pray for our kindhearted friend, Patti,
too. She's always encouraged, and prayed
for us. I'm disappointed that some people,
like Carole, Rick, Stephanie, Ron, and
Stephanie, disappeared. I'm sure they had
their reasons, but it's a bit unsettling.
Carole wrote long, amusing posts, and
shared cultural history with us. Rick
was a surprise, bc he had a lot to say, and
even asked me to reach out to him. Rick
was just starting the mourning process
for his wife, Denise, after many years of
marriage. I think my manic depression
had an advantage over Linda's depression.
My manic side, under medication, gave me
optimism, and a refusal to give up. The
scientists don't know the exact genetic
component. But, on a superficial level,
my father could be irritable, but also
enthusiastic about exploring new places.
My mother was depressed, and became
more so, in the end. She didn't want to
get out of bed in the morning. I wasn't
really like either one of them, for which
Linda was grateful! Her parents were
similar, except that it was her mother
who was manic, and her father, depressed.

 

T0days Linda's birthday and you seem contented about it, I'm sure she would be happy for you to feel contented and not depressed or sad. If she could feel your spirit smile on her birthday she would be so pleased, don't you think so?

You probably read my visit from Jack as a bird on Deb's post regarding the butterfly. I don't remember asking you if Linda came back to visit you.

I'm so sorry you both had the parents you had, such a sad memory. But, here you are living, smiling, laughing and enjoying your seaside friends. You've done good in spite of your parents. Karen

 

Karen,

Thank you so much for telling me you truly believe it was Bob. It was just so strange... the timing was perfect, that beautiful yellow butterfly was so close to my right shoulder... I love your story about the little bird... It's so beautiful... Like Lou, I don't believe in coincidences. Jack is watching over you, just as Bob is watching over me.... I'm smiling as I'm "talking" to you, even though this is so bittersweet...

I miss having a fur baby in my life. A close friend who lives nearby, a good friend from home, even my doctor, thinks I should adopt another dog. As much as I want one, I'm having so much trouble just taking care of myself right now, I'm not sure if the timing is right. When I feel a bit stronger emotionally, I want to take the class necessary to become part of the dog enrichment program at a nearby shelter. This is the perfect position for me. I would get to take dogs on long walks and help teach them basic commands. The people who run this shelter, who provide this program, want to do everything possible to socialize and train the dogs before their adopted families take them home. This way, there is less chance that the dogs will end back up at the shelter. If I should fall madly in love with one of the dogs, there's a good possibility I could end up adopting him/her. This is another one of those TBC's...

I've been worried about Robin and Teddy. The last time I "talked" to her, a date hadn't been set for Teddy's surgery. If you find an update, please let me know how they're doing... I know all of us are keeping them in our prayers.

I feel the exact same way you do. I don't know how I would make it through the absolute worst time in my life, without everyone here. When I think of things to be grateful for every day, this site, the friends I've made here, are always included.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

The dog enrichment program sounds perfect since you're a dog lover and yes, you may fall madly in love with one and take him/her home. That's the best way to know a dog's personality that will fit yours and your life style. But, you are right, feel a bit stronger. Karen

 

Lou,

I'm so sorry I make you cry... But, and this is another one of those BIG buts!!!, at least signs from Bob, Linda, Jack, Jack, Ron, Cheryl, Valerie, and everyone else's spouse's who I haven't mentioned... are as Robin so beautifully puts it, happy mixed with sad... A bittersweet moment.

Today was the first time I'm absolutely 100% positive it was Bob. It's not that I don't think I've had signs from him prior to this, I can't explain it, but there is absolutely no other explanation for that butterfly today. I know you don't believe in coincidences and I don't either. Still sort of on, sort of off topic, I'm sorry, you did it again!!! You made me laugh when you wanted to tell the therapist to "bite you." You getting me to laugh is getting to be a regular thing, total understatement!!! (I think total understatement might be growing a bit stale, but I just can't help myself. I'm somewhat a creature of habit.)

I think part of the reason why you're such a good person, with such a big heart, always wanting to help everyone, always giving us excellent advice, is because of your manic depression. I think in some way it has given you more insight into human nature than many people have. It's strange, I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it's made life for you, but at the same time, it's given you the ability to see things from a perspective that many of us can't. I'm not sure if I'm making much sense, and am ready to start rambling, so stopping here. I could be way off base too. I don't have any personal knowledge to base my opinions on, so it's just my two cents, take it or leave it. I can't even stop rambling when I say I'm going to!!! I can (almost) hear Bob laughing...

I have some important things I have to take care of this afternoon, so stopping here. I'll be back later. I still have way too much catching up to do around here, total understatement!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I don't know why I started laughing at your comment, (I think total understatement might be growing a bit stale). For some reason it tickled my funny bone. Maybe because the word is so you.

 

Karen,

I'm so glad I got you to laugh, Lou told me today that while he gets me to laugh, I get him to cry. But and this is another one of those really BIG buts, at least when he cried over my message about the yellow butterfly, lots of those tears must have been happy ones. As Lou said to me in a post I recently responded to, we should buy stock in the Kleenex company, wait, he might have said we keep the Kleenex company going. This widow foggy brain thing really SUCKS!!!

Got to go, have an important meeting in a couple of minutes.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB