Sudden and unexpected

Lou,

I must have that widow foggy brain thing to the max. Today, October 11th is the 6th month anniversary of Bob's death, not the 13th, but I know the 13th would have been Linda's birthday and George's 33rd wedding anniversary. As you so perfectly put it, " Let's just say the 1st half of October sucks!," total understatement!!!

I'm glad you're enjoying breakfast with Tom this morning. I hope your weekly talk with Bob is a good one...

I'm heading out the door in a couple of minutes, going to take my morning walk, I need it!!!, so don't feel like you have to rush back here after you talk to Bob. I know I won't be home by 11. However, it's making me teary eyed, but only in the best of ways, knowing that I have friends who truly "get it," and care about me, even though I've never met any of them in person. I'm still totally amazed by how much the internet has broadened my world..., everyone's world. Although in lots of ways, I still think modern technology sucks!!! Stopping here, for now...

"Talk later..."

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb I’m wishing more happy memories than sad ones today. You’re moving the feet and taking the appropriate action which is the only thing that give us temporary relief on our grief journey. Do you like Elvis? He has a song peace in the Valley. Sometimes I get some relief from listening to it. Lou I am amazed at your commitment to go to any lengths to recover from grief by using all the help that is available. You’re a great role model in this long term Journey. I have to keep reminding myself this grief journey is a journey not a destination. I have to do physical therapy for three different parts of my body daily. I’m realizing now I have to do emotional spiritual therapy to keep my brain functioning properly. Grief In Common has become one of the biggest parts of my support system. There is no permanent cure only constant recovery. I realized within myself I’m having constant mood swings. I am well aware of the brain fog concept and practice it regularly. I read that when the body is under stress the brain dumps an excess of adrenaline and cortisol. The body cannot process these chemicals as fast as they are delivered. End result brain fog. I’m going to join Deb in the physical part of recovery by taking a bike ride and try to burn up some of my anxieties. Aretha said I’m going to make the best of a bad situation. Keep on keeping on. ☮️ Gary

 

Deb, just returned from Two Little Birds.
I made sure Tom had the seat that looked
out to the ocean. I was nervous at first, bc
Tom can be impatient, & irritable. He didn't like my other breakfast place, Hula
Moon, bc they screwed up his order! I told
him he was "scary", and reminded me of
my late father who could be very critical
and intimidating. He was surprised. Tom
turned out to be kind & charming to the
15 year old hostess/ cashier, & I told him
I was relieved. A young mother & baby
walked in, and I said how cute the baby
looked, and what bright eyes she had. I
even got the baby to smile at me, which I
love to do. The mother beamed with pride. Then, her father-in-law appeared, a big,
friendly guy from Texas. I asked him where he was from & how long they were
staying. He said they were leaving this am
and loved my town by the ocean, bc he
lives in Dallas, hours away from a beach
( Galveston). Turns out he's about to retire
from being a counselor. Tom asked him
what kind, and he said all kinds, including
alcohol & drug addiction, and bipolar
disorder. When I heard that, I couldn't
let the moment go by ( like that "Shoulder
Taps" short video on YouTube I told you
about). No one was behind me, & I knew I'd probably not see him again, so I told
him I've had manic depression for over
40 years, but was more mellow now. In
fact, I was diagnosed with manic depression, before it was called bipolar
disorder. I did confess that I drank, even
though I was advised not to. I joked with
him that he never should've said he was
a counselor, and the 3 of us laughed. I'm
glad I've become a "people person", Deb,
since Linda died. As you said, I'm redefining myself, the new & improved
Lou, and I like that guy. Linda would be
shocked & amazed to see me now. The
fact is that she had a profound influence
on me, and I admired her so much. On
Sat, at 5pm, Steven & Betsy will join me
at Shack bar, for dinner. We will be buying Lyle, who's turning 75 that day, his
favorite beer. A lot of regulars will be
doing the same. Fortunately, his apartment
is practically next door, so he's not driving!
But, if he has too much, the big Sat night
bartender may have to carry him up his
stairs! It's a sunny day here, so I will
walk down to the Neck to see my pals.
Glad you went for a walk, too. It's so
important for our physical AND mental
health. I'm going to suggest the book,
Winter Blues, by Norman Rosenthal,
to Gary. It's about Seasonal Affective
Disorder (SAD). "Talk later". Lou

 

Funny that you mention Elvis. Linda & I
loved his music, as well as Frank Sinatra's,
Aretha Franklin's ( you reminded me of
her when you mentioned Aretha!), Ray
Charles, B.B. King, etc. I feel grateful we
were able to see Ray Charles, when he
toured ( near us ) and B.B. King in
Providence, R.I., when we lived near
Newport. It's strange that they're all dead.
But their spirits live on through their
music. My 1st date with Linda was at the
House of Blues, and we saw more
musicians there, too. I love the beat of
"Hoochie Cootchie Man", by Muddy
Waters. It's good to listen to music, without
crying, like I did, for months after Linda
died. As for your light therapy, Gary, that's
a great idea. I recommend Winter Blues,
by Norman Rosenthal ( I was in the book
business, which is why I seem to be
suggesting books all the time!). He explores light therapy, and even has a
short section how Seasonal Affective
Disorder (SAD) can do a job on manic
depression. I'm a lot better now, and turn
a lot of lights on during the winter. Being
in New England, I like the change of
seasons, and have to adjust to the short
hours of daylight in the winter. I also
have to wear layered clothing under my
coat. Thank you, Gary, for complimenting
me about how I handle grief. After my
Mon am phone therapy session, I will
take a walk to clear my head, and see
friends on the Neck, which is our
promenade by the ocean, with shops,
art galleries, and restaurants. "Talk
soon". Lou

 

You are so lucky to have somewhere nice you can walk to! You are so lucky to have friends! Take care George!

 

George, I agree. I wish you had the same.
I pray that you will have both, after you
finally move. I don't know how you feel
about prayer to God. I have become
more spiritua, since Linda died. Every
morning, I'm in awe, as I round the
corner from my apartment, and see the
ocean. It always takes my breath away. I
never know whether the tide will be
high or low, and the waves, either rough
or calm. I can feel God's presence, at that
moment, and I give a prayer to God, in
graditude, that I'm still alive, at 72. I
also feel blessed to live by the sea. I was
born & raised on the South Shore of
Massachusetts, and Linda was raised on
the North Shore, where I live now. When
we retired , we wanted to live here, bc we
liked it better than where I was from. It's
quieter. My one consolation is that Linda
knew we were finally "home" after many
moves. The plan was that she'd join me in
a new apartment, but then, she died
suddenly, and that was not to be. Yes, I
have friends, and I'm thankful, but none
of them can ever replace my best friend,
and soulmate, Linda. I am redefining
myself, and as I told Deb & Gary, I've
become a "people person" out of
necessity, and I like the guy I've become.
Hope you get through this holiday OK.
Is there any scenic spot you can drive to,
George, like a lake, a river, or a park?
Nature ( green trees & grass) is always
better for calming the soul, than concrete.
Grief in Common connections, and new
friends, is actually better for me than the
friends I see, bc the people on this site,
"get it", as Deb says. Keep writing. It's
always good to hear from you. Lou

 

Oh I have no problem with G(g)od or anything spiritual... I just don't like a lot of dogmatic rules for the sake of rules or traditions... I don't attempt to even try to define god or godz mind or anything... it is way beyond me! To me Spiritual Peace is meditating and listening to the musick of the wind or (until recently) the Cicadas. I was raised within a lot of catholick dogma and I never felt part of that community. My mother was a Lutheran! I've got some lines from the Dialysis social worker of other grief sites that I want to examine.
Working in schools all my life (and Valerie too) Itz weird how holidays don't matter anymore. Used to have the day off. Now there's never a day off (from dialysis! well technically I go 3 times a week so there are daze off but I just can't eat lots of potassium or phosphorus!!!! ) I think I'm gonna walk to the park today... after I take care of some stuff. Get my last goodWill donation ready and get stuff ready for 1-888-Got-junk people...

Hope to talk to you more today! Take care my friend!

 

Deb, funny thing just happened. My
therapist didn't call me. Apparently HE
had a "senior moment" ( he's in his
late 60s, busy with his grandchildren). I
realized it was Columbus Day, and he
took the day off. I thought it was just
the Post Office, banks, & schools. I texted
& left a voicemail. telling him I'd talk with
him next Mon am. I've come a long way,
and have tried to "roll with the punches",
and me more flexible. I'm actually glad, bc
I can walk down the Neck while it's
partly sunny & have lunch later. Hope
your weather is improving. I'll take my
phone as usual, in case you want to "talk".
Correction: BE more flexible, not "me".
I'm getting sloppy! Lou

 

Thank you for your honest feelings about
God. You & I seem to be in the same boat.
My wife was raised Catholic, and I was
raised in the Jewish faith. We decided that
neither one of us wanted to be "confined"
inside a church or synagogue, but rather
to be outside in "God's country". Hope you
have a serene time in the park. As I told
Deb, I'm taking my phone outside, on my
walk, so I can check in with my friends,
like you, on Grief in Common! Lou

 

I am just plain tired of lies all the time about almost everything! As humans we have our differences but I want to be non judgemental and I think ost of us come from a similar place in our hearts and souls... at least people I connect with (however little that may be). Valerie I realized not only burned bridges she exploded them with TNT! When we were together never though too much about a support network. Thought that I had teacher friends at work... then when I went into therapy to feel better emotionally she became so sick with the cancer... So I really don't know any people much except the nice ones I'm meeting here on line.

Oh of course the whole lockDown thing really screwed any social development plans I want to make... I wish us all some peace and kindness today! (and everyday!)

 

Forgive me, George, but I had to laugh
when you said that Valerie EXPLODED
your bridges with TNT, not just burned
them. I don't think it's a coincidence that
both Linda and Valerie had cancer. Linda
had a negative view toward people, &
had a glass half empty philosophy of life,
stemming from an unhappy chilldhood,
in which her younger brother died at 10,
from a rare illness. Linda was only 12. As
a result, we had no friends, another
couple we could share good times with.
Linda said I was the only good thing that
happened to her. Before she went to the
hospital, she said that the only thing that
kept her going, was caring for me. When
she made me promise to be happy if
anything happened to her, and even to
find another woman, so I wouldn't be
alone, I should've known that she had a
premonition that she wouldn't make it.
Well,I better go out now, but I wanted to
reply to your post. Talk soon. Lou

 

Gary,

Thank you so much. I appreciate and am grateful for your support. I walked over 8 miles today, walked along a raised wooden path that goes through the woods, sat on a bench for awhile, and listened to all the sounds of nature... I also thought about so many things..., especially about Tom Zuba's book "Permission To Mourn," the chapters where he talks about how God only lets each one of us die at the perfect time. I've been trying to understand this in relation to Bob's death. I don't think I'll ever "get it," and know that I just need to trust in God's wisdom.

Thank you for recommending the Mourner's Six Reconciliation Needs. The social worker who runs the bereavement support group I used to attend, talked about this in some of our group meetings. I book marked it the night you told me about it. I thought about these needs as I sat on the bench, alone..., thinking about the beauty and peacefulness of my surroundings...

I dedicated my walk to Bob today. In his memory, I wore a tee shirt in one of his favorite colors, the turquoise blue color of the Caribbean ocean... I cried as I put on that tee shirt. It made me think of all the wonderful vacations that I was fortunate enough to be able to enjoy with Bob, the one true love of my life. I thought about so many magical moments that we shared together... I thought about all those ordinary moments we shared together too.... leisurely breakfasts on weekend mornings..., grocery shopping together..., listening to the rain hit the roof at night, his arms wrapped around me.... I thought about how lucky I was to be able to spend 35 years with Bob... I thought about how if I could go back in time, knowing that one day he would be taken from me, and I would feel as if my heart had been torn in half, my entire world shattered..., I still would have said "I do," so many years ago.

I read somewhere, I don't remember where, that the feelings we have when we lose our "person," are the exact opposite of the feelings we have when we're at the beginning stages of falling in love. I'm starting to ramble and I need another tissue so stopping here.

Wait, before I go, I have to tell you that both Bob and I love Elvis and Aretha!!! I'm so glad you are taking a bike ride today. I hope getting some fresh air and exercise makes you feel at least, a little bit better.

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

As I always say, everything happens for a purpose. I'm glad you're enjoying another nice day on the Neck and the magnificent ocean views... It makes me smile knowing you're enjoying the day.

I've been doing so much thinking ... My brain feels like it's going to explode. I've been crying as much as I've been thinking. I'm going to have to put sunglasses on when I go outside to get the mail.

I think I received a couple more signs from Bob recently that I forgot to tell you about. Saturday morning when I woke up, and opened the plantation shutters behind my couch, I noticed that one of the throw pillows, although it was in the same place where it always is, was upside down, the zippered part that is always on the bottom, was on the top. I started to cry, kept thanking Bob for letting me know he is here, watching over me. Then Sunday night, as I was getting ready to go to bed, I noticed that the light was on in the laundry room. This time I'm positive I didn't turn on that light!!! I started crying again, thanking Bob, and asking him to please keep giving me signs that he's still here, with me, watching over me.

There are so many more things I want to say, but am too frazzled right now. I feel like the sixth month anniversary of Bob's death is some sort of milestone. But this will have to be another one of those TBC's... (If I remember!!! I think I have a combination of both that widow's foggy brain thing plus way too many senior moments, my brain is toasted!!!)

Backing way up, I wrote about my walk in a message to Gary. Rather than repeat what I said to him, you can check it out.

I think I'm going to put on my sunglasses and get the mail. Beware: I'll probably be "talking" up a storm later on. As always, I'm positive Bob would have something funny to say about this.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

This is a HUGE P.S. Just as I was putting on my sunglasses, it hit me over the head, a "light bulb moment," that there isn't any mail today!!! I think I better make some more caffeine!!!

 

Lou,

Just read your message to Gary. I love!!! Ray Charles, B.B. King, and Muddy Waters. The Blues are the absolute best!!!
As unbelievable as this is, shortest message ever!!!

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

At 6 months all I did was let myself feel real sad for a few daze. TB (the Boy) didn't like it but tuff!
I am so frazzled too today. Took a load to the donating place... I should do a wwhole bunch more serious stuff but I don't want serious or fun... I don't know what I want! Love!

 

Deb, allow me to join your conversation
with our new friend, Gary. Your thoughts
are profound and moving. I cried when
you said you cried about the colors of the
T shirt, .what the colors represented. I
agree with, but don't like the trite saying,
"It's better to have loved and lost, than to
never have loved at all". Linda loved our
little poodle, and we had to give her up,
she was devastated and never got over it.
When we finally had more money, Linda
was ill, and it was not the right time to
get another dog. She told me she wished
we never had the dog, bc the pain was too
great. I couldn't say the same, bc I learned
how to take care of a dog even though she
wasn't ours to begin with. I don't want one
now, bc I'm on the Neck & can visit other
dogs, without paying for food & vet bills.
I see Ginny! Have to go! Lou

 

Lou,

I smiled when you said you saw Ginny. Enjoy the rest of your day!!! I want you to have a good day, and I'm okay, so please don't feel the need to respond right away.
It makes me happy knowing you're enjoying the day.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, the 8 mile walk was an all out effort to honor Bob. Did you plan to go that far in the beginning? Sounds like you pushed yourself extra hard to feel physical pain in order to offset the emotional pain. I totally understand. It also sounds like you are good at practicing mindfulness. My therapist told me to try mindfulness. The book radical acceptance is about that too. I was having anxiety attacks back in 2005. I had a friend who was a professional hypnotist and I took a short course on self hypnosis from him regarding anxiety. My friend the hypnotist made personalized tapes directed towards my self improvement. He passed away about 15 years ago and these tapes are priceless. The most important technique was to count backwards from 50 to 0 by your inhales and exhales watching only your chest rising and falling and pushing every other thought out of your mind. I used to be pretty good at self hypnosis. today it’s a challenge because I keep losing concentration. Man’s interaction with nature is a lost art. It’s cool you could experience that and probably at different intervals during your walk. I can’t think of doing anything better than that. In the grief support meetings we’re told that mourning is the most important thing in our on going recovery Because it releases the pain. When I finally figured out that Cheryl wasn’t going to make it the first thing I thought about was the environment reclaiming her flower garden. I like flowers but I didn’t have any interest in maintaining them. One of Cheryl‘s sisters Bonnie suggested that I keep the flower garden up because it was therapeutic and would also honor Cheryl. Now the growing season is coming to an end and I can look at Cheryl’s flower garden and Know that I did a good job keeping it up. Every flower has its season. there were early flowers middle flowers and late Season flowers. I Watched them rise and fall. The flowers seemed like they had their own individual lives. I put a white ceramic angel that I had given to my Mom on Mother’s Day in the flower garden along with the head of Vishnu. In the spring when I first started doing it the wind blew an iris and it hit me in the lips and I felt like I Received a kiss from Cheryl. I’m proud of the enormous effort you did to honor Bob. A perfect example of the action that we take is what sets us free. ☮️ Gary