Sudden and unexpected

George, I'm so sorry. Sad anniversaries,
including wedding anniversaries "suck",
to put it mindly, as our friend Deb says.
It appears that the 3 of us & others
here, are having a very rough week, .
we must comfort each other. Linda &
I got married on Jan.1, 1996.Even though
I'm older than you, George, you &
Valerie were married longer than Linda &
I were. I try to be out, & with other
people on our anniversary. I know that's
tough for you, with dialysis, but I hope you
can be out for part of the day. I will be
thinking of you & Deb this week. Lou

 

Thanks Lou... I am very sorry for all of our rough weeks.
The last real bad date was her birthday on July 25... she would've been 57...

 

That's awful, George. I was about to say
that Valerie was way too young at 56, just
like I thought Linda was way too young
at 68, but then I remembered Tom
Zuba's words about his wife & 2 of his
young children. You may find Permission
to Mourn to be a comforting book as Deb
and I did. Lou

 

Lou,

I just got back from a long walk. I brought tissues with me. I used every single one of them. I'm emotionally drained. I need a break from all the memories that have been popping in and out of my mind. I still need another pair of walking shoes, so might do some shopping. I'm not in the mood to sit outside, talk to my neighbors.

I want to go to the grocery store too. I'm out of fresh veggies and fruit. I'm trying to take care of myself the best I possibly can. I know how important it is for me to remain physically healthy, and while I can't control how much I'm waking up in the middle of the night, I have control over the foods I choose to eat. I was going to make salmon again for dinner tonight, but forgot to defrost it. I might pick up a small package of chicken (the chicken I have is keeping the salmon company) instead.

It look like I have lots of catching up to do, so many new messages!!! Will be back later to read everything and "talk."

I hope you're enjoying your day, plenty of sunshine, a walk by the ocean, and some good music... Thinking about your day is making me smile... (You did it again without even trying!)

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, great idea to get new walking shoes.
After my falling, PT, & pedicure, I noticed
that the heels on my sneakers were worn
down. I bought a new pair ( I always buy New Balance) & feel better.
It's good for the feet to alternate, so
I wear my shoeboots, Walnut Merrills. I eat plenty of fruits & veggies, get my
sleep, take Vitamin D and Calcium to ward
off osteoporosis. Bc of anemia, I take a
multivitamin, with iron. When I eat
dinner at the Shack, it's either salmon
or haddock, with baked potato, and
butternut squash. I eat outside as much
as possible, & stay away from crowds
of tourists, due to COVID. Physically,
I've never felt better, Deb. I'm working on
the depression & loneliness which comes
with grief. I decided to skip the indoor
music, & look at the waves and smell
the sea air. It's a perfect mild, partly
cloudy day. Hope you have a good Sunday
& don't get overwhelmed by the emails! L

 

Deb sorry to hear you’ve been going through a rough patch. Glad you’re walking off your anxiety though. I was told to spend the anxiety. I changed from Verizon to ATT And the reception in Michigan was terrible. I had zero Internet while I was up there. The ATT service map said I Would have good reception there. I felt really disconnected not being on GIC. My brother Mark has been staying in the area the last 4 months and is heading back to Florida tomorrow. He is coming over to say goodbye. He’s been my rock and confidant lately. I’ll have to catch up later. Keep on keeping on.

 

I had an interesting thought. I thought what if Linda greeted Bob in the afterlife and then Bob and Linda greeted Deni and then Linda Bob and Deni greeted Cheryl? To be honest I have to live in a dream world to survive this. No one knows the boundaries of space and time anyway. People in grief support commonly talk about carrying on conversations with their deceased beloved. Lou I’m a big advocate for getting professional health. I’ve received help on four separate occasions throughout my life. Three out of four times it was the best investment that I ever made. Deb I could relate to your feelings about Bob not making it to 2022. The voice from the gut. The night before the event Cheryl texted me that she was coming home from work like always. For some reason I got really panicky when she was 10 minutes late getting home. Was this a premonition? A clue that I never figured out until it was too late? A voice from the gut that was some kind of a sign that something was going to happen? There were a couple erratic snores two hours before the event. Why didn’t I put two and two together? It bothers me still but I know there is nothing I could have done change it. It was Cheryl‘s destiny. It’s really nice to be connected with everybody again. P&H

 

P.S. Gary,

I'm so sorry!!! I didn't realize I called you Rick until now. I hate this widow foggy brain thing...

 

Lou,

I finally saw this one. Thanks for the typo. I really needed to laugh!!! This emotional roller coaster ride of emotions just SUCKS!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

October 13th would have been Linda's birthday, it's the sixth month anniversary of Bob's death, plus it would have been your 33rd wedding anniversary... We'll get through the 13th together...

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary,

I used to run but because of too many injuries, and arthritis in my neck, I was told I needed to give it up. Running was always my way of coping whenever I was stressed out, but I also ran just because I loved it. I used to get up at 4:45 every weekday morning so I could get a quick run in before making breakfast and helping my children get ready for school. It was so peaceful... so pretty where Bob and I raised our children. Some of my friends thought I was crazy, but there is something about being outside..., lots of fresh air..., running on long winding country roads..., surrounded by farms..., the ocean not too far away..., that runner's high is one of the best feelings!!! I was addicted to it.

Fast forward to the present, in the beginning of 2018, when we first moved to SC, and Bob's health began spiraling downwards, I needed/wanted to run. I knew that if I injured myself, there would be no one to take care of Bob, so I began walking. At first I was skeptical, I couldn't imagine how walking would help me feel less stressed. Although I rather run, and I think that runner's high is much better than any feeling I've had while walking, it still helps relieve stress. I've always loved being outside, hiking, camping, boating, water skiing, downhill skiing, and figure skating in my younger days, and the best of all, spending time by the ocean... Stopping here, before I keep on going like that rabbit in those Energizer commercials. The point I wanted to make is that there is just something about spending time outside in nature, appreciating all the beauty around me, that helps life my spirits.

I'm sorry you couldn't "visit" with us while you were in Michigan. I think I would feel really disconnected too if I had to miss a couple days "talking" to my friends here. I'm sorry Mark has to leave, but glad you and your brother are so close. I'm glad he's able to help support you through this miserable journey.

Thank you for "listening" to me vent, and for your support.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I'm glad you take the best care of yourself you possibly can too. While we can make healthy decisions when it comes to food and exercise, unfortunately depression and loneliness caused by grief, isn't totally in our control. This is why I think it's even more important to make good decisions in every aspect of our lives that we have some control over.

I think you and I have similar eating habits. The dinners you order at the Shack are dinners I would choose too. Whenever we ordered seafood dinners, Bob made it a point to always ask our server to bring me lots of lemon wedges. For me, fish without lemon, is like breakfast without coffee. It's doable, but so much better with that added kick.

I love that you spent the day outside by the ocean.... It makes me smile thinking about how beautiful it is where you live, and glad that you are able to enjoy the ocean almost every day. Backing up a bit, I probably wouldn't want to spend a beautiful day inside either, especially if I could spend it by the water.

I hope you have at least a few reasons to smile this evening.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

She loved Friday the X!!! I think it was to give the finger to superstition... I'll celebrate it with a pint! Of Iced cream

 

Deb you and Lou are really health conscious. Especially Deb having Done all that running. Cheryl and I used to walk a lot of nature trails State parks and fish and wildlife areas. Cheryl loved photography. During the pandemic Cheryl wanted to go walking more. To relive the last walks and bike rides are special. The last photo I took of Cheryl was resting on a bench at The fishing line bike trail. It’s nice to ride by that bench again and remember Cheryl sitting there. I’ve lost 20 pounds since losing Cheryl and I could lose another 20. Being Around the water and sun sounds really nice. Indiana is going to turn be in the cloud belt any day now. Has Anyone used light therapy? I sit in front of a happy light 15 to 30 minutes upon awakening every morning. About six weeks ago My depression spiked and I went to see my doctor. I got the cheek swab but no results yet. My doctor listened patiently to me describing all my emotions and all my negative feelings and all my sadness for 15 minutes. He told me that this is normal with the loss of a spouse. And that if I’m feeling the same feelings a year from now we will address it further. After reading Deb’s post Saturday morning and not feeling so alone along with feeling I am part of this group the trip was very enjoyable. I was actually in a good mood rather than sad one all day. I listened to the radio more. Saying goodbye to Mark was hard. We both cried and told each other to take good care of ourselves. Mark invited me to come and visit him in Florida in the heart of the winter. Sounds nice. Hey Deb have you ever heard of the book radical acceptance by Tara Brach? It’s been a lifesaver as far as quieting the mind. ☮️ Gary

 

P.S. It took me forever to respond to Patti. My internet service is super slow tonight and keeps going down, making it really difficult to type. I didn't want to turn off my lap top for the night, without letting you know, I'm thinking of you.

I might not be around in the morning. I want to hit the pavement early, get a long walk in, before it gets too hot. I think we're supposed to finally have a sunny day, always a plus!!!

I hope you're sleeping soundly...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary,

My internet service is horrible tonight, keeps going down, super slow, so I'm going to put away my lap top for the evening. I will be back to "talk" to you tomorrow. I love that Cheryl was into photography. A good friend of mine is really into photography too and has take photos for weddings in the past. Want to keep "talking," but it's way too difficult. I know Bob would have something really funny to say about this!!!

Looking forward to "talking" to you tomorrow...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary, just woke up at 6am on this Columbus Day, and the first thing I did
was to check in with my friends at Grief in
Common. I remembered that October 11
is a particularly tough day, so I will reply to her after this. Funny you mention
the afterlife. I believe in God ( as does
Tom Zuba), so I have to believe that my
spirit will be with Linda's someday. So,
during my usual morning crying about
Linda, yesterday, I talked to her. I said,
" I miss you, I love you, Linda, and
someday our spirits will meet. I also want
you to meet my kind grandparents, who
you never met". Thank you for your words
about therapy. With my manic depression,
it's advised that I talk with a therapist, in
addition to taking medication. When
Linda died, after being in a short term
small psychiatric unit, I went to see a
psychiatric nurse practitioner. In the
beginning, all I did was cry in her home/
office. She was welcoming and always had
a fire in her fireplace. I sat on a couch, and
she sat in a comfortable chair, facing me.
Gradually, she was able to give me articles
and poems about mourning one's spouse.
Finally, she suggested Permission to
Mourn, both the book and the YouTube
Ted talks , by Tom Zuba, and The
Widower's Notebook, a memoir, by
Jonathan Santlofer. Gary, bc of my
widower's " foggy brain", as Deb would
say, I forget if I suggested the 2 books to
you. Deb has already read them, at my
urging. I look forward to discussing them
with her. George just got Jonathan's book
out of the library, and has started reading
and commenting on it. I value your
insight and would be happy if you
could join our informal, small book club!
" Talk with you soon", Lou

 

Correction: I omitted that October 11 is
a difficult day for DEB. Also, I no longer
see the psychiatric NP. I now talk on the
phone every Mon am with a new male
therapist. It's a different dynamic, and we've gone beyond grief, but how to
interact with other people, both friends
& strangers. We always try to end our
session with a laugh, which is a good
start for the week. Lou

 

Deb, woke up at 6am & replied to one of
Gary's posts, and want to reply to a 2nd one about light therapy, but I'm about to
meet Tom at 2 Little Birds Eatery at 8am.
He's a funny guy and good friend, but he
can be impatient, hard to please, as a Type
A personality. He still works, at 70, & makes long distance business calls to their
home in Florida. (They go back around
Nov 1).I want to be there before he's
there bc the cashier is sweet & very good,
but only 15. She works only on Sundays
& holidays. When I come home, I'll "call"
you ( wish I could), bc I know
October 11 is a very tough day for you). I
will try to "talk" with you before my
weekly phone therapy with Bob ( of all
names). That's at 11am, instead of our
usual 10am. Last night, Deb, I said I
would try to keep you from falling into
that "dark hole" of grief & despair. Please
have coffee, & finish Jonathan's book if
you haven't yet. "Talk with you soon".
Gary & others would like to hear from
you too, when you're up to it. Lou

 

Deb, my "foggy widower" brain can't
remember all these dates,so let's just
say the 1st half of Oct "SUCKS"! Be with
friends on Halloween. At 2 Little Birds.
Waiting for Tom. ....Lou