Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

What about high school yearbooks for pictures? For years those were my only source of pictures for Linda. Five pictures total. The way I found out she died was a post on Facebook, where everyone was speaking of her in the past tense. Then I asked "when did she die" and the hammer dropped. On the fortunate side, a lot of pictures of her were posted, including some 6 years after I saw here last.

It was when I made a private inquiry to one of them, who I knew was close to Linda in school, that I got at least some details of her brief life after high school. She did not even live to see her 10 year reunion. Makes me want to break down and cry.

 

He isnt in any yearbooks. A friend of his said he was really athletic in high school which shocked me because we never thought they went to school. They were wanna be gang bangers at 16-17. A couple ended up in jail, a lot ended up passing away too. They never talked about school. My friend and I talk about those times and school.wasnt brought up that we can remember, but we were with them mostly in the summer. My senior year I was in a car accident, he came to see me and at home too Maybe since he was around alot we never thought about it. Ive heard he was in trouble alot but I never knew about the details. Last time I saw him I guess he was hiding out at a hotel where I spent time with him, we were just friends then and he didn't talk about it. He just wanted me there. I'm so happy the last time was a good time with him. Wish I remembered more of it but definitely remember him saying he must really care about me if he wants just my company and nothing else. That meant the world to me. I dreamt about him last night but this time he was already gone, I was showing people his house , but no one knew who he was. Ive even searched mugshots thinking I may find something. Maybe if there were any and he was under 18 they wouldnt be available. Ive thought about paying on sites that have criminal records possibly but I think they are probably all scams. None have good reviews. Im going to the cemetery Saturday and weird how Im nervous about it. Probably cause reality will really set in.

 

I hope you don’t mind my joining in. I recognize this is a healing exchange and I don’t want to intrude, but I can relate to both of you.

8 months ago I found out that my first boyfriend (who I loved obsessively and hadn’t seen or spoken to him on 35 years) died on Feb. 2020. I found out because I googled his name and the word obituary to see if he had survived COVID.

Similar to you, I had shut the door on that time in my life and was very disconnected to my feelings. I had looked him up before at random times but never contacted him. He friend requested me on FB a few years ago and I decided not to accept his request which is killing me now, but I have to believe it was my intuition (a higher power) guiding me and protecting me.

The grief is intense and I haven’t talked to my husband about it because I think it would bother him. I told some friends and feel like I can’t talk to them anymore because of the months that have passed.

Anyway, it’s been a wild journey and the hardest death I’ve experienced. I feel like I will never get over it.

Here is what has helped and maybe it will help you too. I did find his grave (he was cremated but they buried his ashes). He was not listed on Find A Grave, I looked at the obituary and called the cemetery listed. I’ve visited 3 times (a 2.5 hour drive). I left some painted rocks and read a long letter, then I burned the letter. Writing to him at night helped me and I finally got to a point when I just stopped writing to him. I also listen to guided meditations on grief on the app “insight timer”. I’ve written poems in my phone expressing the flood of emotion that poured out of me at all times of the day. I emailed his sister at thanksgiving and sent her a peaceful photo I took on the anniversary of his death. Contact with his sister has been a blessing and I am grateful for her. She has stopped responding to my emails which made me feel sad and like I was bothering her.

Anyway, I felt like something was wrong with me at first too, but I don’t think that anymore. I am trying not to judge myself for any of it. I have had dreams about him and I write them down before I forget them. I’ve discovered that memories are more powerful, larger, and more real than time. I could say so much more but I thank you both for sharing your experiences.

 

One more thing that has helped...I use my iPhone to sing karaoke songs that he liked.

 

I'm so sorry you do not have any pictures. It does provide some temporary relief. But it is VERY temporary. The other side of the coin is that continually looking at these pictures prolongs this grieving process. It sparks some memories, but in doing so, intensifies the grief. The longer I do not looking at the pictures, the less that feeling of sorrow and angst decreases.

The best shot to get pictures are from family and friends. I would not count on getting any mugs shots, etc. I believe that none of these scam sites really have access to them.

 

alwaysme,

This forum is designed for people joining in. You are most welcome here. We are here to support each other. You a most welcome to express your common feelings here. And you are certainly experiencing exactly the same thing.

Your feelings are completely normal. And I share the same kind of regret you are feeling. And I certainly understand why you do not share this with your husband, and I believe it is the correct thing to do. Tell my wife I am grieving over a girl I knew 50 years ago? That would be very hurtful. Nobody who has not experienced this can really understand. All of this happening over someone in your past is not "absurd" or "unjustified". It is not only normal, it shows you have a kind heart. There is nothing wrong with you. Do not judge yourself.

The next step in dealing with our grief is acceptance. It has been over a year now that I am going through this, and I have acknowledged that this process could take years. There is no time deadline.

I am glad you have a grave to visit. I don't understand why it was not listed on Find A Grave. Do you know if this is common?

 

Wow! Im crying reading this. First, Im very sorry. I could have written this. Im going to the cemetery Sat. Today I bought artificial flowers and a card. I wrote so much in the card forgetting that he won't read it. I am leaving it at his grave
I have no idea if anyone visits him. but I really need to leave it. Its going to be so hard. It will be good to be close to him again though if thats all I have. He passed before even Myspace started, so no pics of him anywhere. I only know his mom but she wouldn't remember me at all. There has to be someway they know we care so much after all these years. Death is kust so messed up. Its all so unfair. I am so glad you joined the conversation.

 

Since there seems to be no memorial for Linda, not even an obituary that might give this information, what I do is go to the cemetery where my daughter Amanda is buried, and I bring two helium balloons. One with "Amanda" written on it, and one with "Linda" on it. I say a prayer for both of them, then release the balloons. Somehow this helps me.

 

That is beautiful. ❤

 

I love the helium balloon ritual I think rituals are helpful. I am reading through this thread again as there is so much I relate to. I will share more with both of you soon, but for now I will just say that when I visit his grave I feel close to him and I feel calm. I sing karaoke on my iPhone when I’m there, and my painted rocks survived the snowy winter! Nobody moved them. Anticipating visiting his grave makes me think I will be devastated there, but that has not been the case. I am thinking of you Sue as you are going there Saturday. Rob67, I think it’s ok to contact one of her close friends. They may appreciate it, and you may get some helpful information. When I contacted his sister, I was thinking in my head that she would think it was weird that I was contacting her, but she was appreciative and filled me in on a lot. She even sent me the video from his memorial service (which messed me up big time, but also helped me feel close to him).

 

Rob67 I do not know if it is normal for a grave not to be listed on Find A Grave (it has been just over a year since he died and it is still not listed). I just put that out there to let you know it’s possible there is a grave somewhere. Again, if you were to contact one of her friends who you trust, you may find out more.

 

I could not find anything on Find A Grave either. I do have a song list already in my phone to listen to when I am there. I am really hoping this helps to go there. My best friend who also hung out with him and the group is going with me to. We are going to drive around the old neighborhood too. Bought a bunch of kleenex cause I know its going to be hard. I do not tell anyone about any of this besides her and on here talking with you. Some things are better left unsaid to people who really would not understand. I would like advise from you guys on one thing. I have no idea if anyone visits him, I would hope some family still does, but if they do they will see the card, would you leave a contact ph# in the card? I need to leave the card, for my sake, but I dont want someone else going and wonder about the mysterious visitor that came and left flowers and a card. I just am not sure about that part

 

Sure I think I would leave a card. That is totally appropriate. I hope someone else is visiting, but I would caution you not to get your hopes up. After the first year or two family members and friends rarely visit gravesites. It is sad but true, and is based on what I have heard over the years from my aunts and cousins about visiting their father's grave. It just about does not happen. Some people are adverse to it from the start.

I usually find relatives who I know have died on Find A Grave, but it is disheartening to learn that it may not be accurate. But the reason I think Linda was cremated is because people who attended the funeral 38 years ago did not recall any graveside service or mention of burial. Also, I remember a conversion with Linda 50 years ago in high school when I told her my distaste for my uncle's funeral, with the casket viewing and graveside service, and told her I planned to be cremated. She acknowledged the same thing. One the other hand my mother in law demanded to be cremated, even in her will, and the two older brothers took it upon themselves to bury her anyway, to satisfy their own selfish feelings I wish I could be more certain about Linda's funeral. But in real terms I know it does not matter. It is the remembrance that matters.

Having said that, if you feel relief from visiting his grave I am glad. We all need something to feel close to them.

 

That’s nice that you have a friend to share the journey with. I have not told a lot of people either...4 close friends and my niece, and now you guys. I’m not sure your motive for leaving a contact number in the card. You said in case someone visits and wonders who left it. I’m wondering if you also hope to hear from someone close to him who still visits his grave. Either way, I think I would go with my intuition. If your intuition is telling you to leave a number, I don’t think it will hurt anything or anyone. If your intuition tells you “hmm, better not”, then I would go with that.

 

I was just thinking if anyone still does go, would I want them wondering that after 18 years someone just shows up and leaves things for him all of a sudden. It would be nice to get in touch with someone, just to let them know I have so many special memories of him, but yes, I believe people stop going or do not go at all since it could be so hard for some. I think I will leave the number and just put if anyone is reading this I have wonderful memories to share if you would like to get in touch. Im sure this is such a huge deal to me and I am overthinking it too. Its kind of messing me up, because it makes me feel that I will see him again, even if its just being close to him this way. Its so confusing but you guys get it. I will let you know how it went.

Rob67, I agree, its the remembrances that matters and the hope to also see them again eventually

 

Being able to talk to someone is the greatest relief, and something I did not have until now. Like I said, there is no way I can tell this to my wife. That would be cruel. And at my age (67), almost all of my friends are dead. The ones who are not dead live more than 1,000 miles away. I started this thread because of my need to talk to someone about it. The feelings of regret and wanting to be close to them are at the core of our grief. Anything you can do to relieve that grief is worthwhile, even though on the face of it doing this would not be logical or "normal". There is no normal here. This is a specific kind of grief.

As far as leaving a number, I would set up a free Yahoo email, or something like that and have people contact you there. Or get a throw away phone and give that number. I would be very wary of giving my regular phone number. I already get a lot of unwanted calls.

 

Thats true. I can leave my email. I am.so sorry that you haven't had anyone to talk to, but you found this site and now have us to share with. . I dont mention it to my husband or anyone else either. I think its a beautiful thing they are still thought of so deeply many years later.

 

Sorr
I agree with you it is a specific kind of grief. The period of time when I thought something was wrong with me was short lived. After a bit of time I knew...THIS IS GRIEF. That helps because from there I can seek help with it because I know what it is. One of my closest friends was even suggesting it wasn’t normal and suggested I seek professional help. This is way too personal for me to talk to a professional who may not understand.

Thank you for starting this thread. I actually started one a few months ago and nobody replied (maybe the title didn’t grab anyone’s attention). Then I thought maybe I could read through others posts and see if I can relate to anyone, and I came across this right away. I’m so thankful to have made this connection.

Rough night last night as I woke up thinking about him and my thoughts were dark. My mind is not always my friend in the middle of the night.

 

Alwaysme,

If you went to a professional what they would tell you is that you need to talk about it. That professional cannot connect to you on your level because this type of grief is so personal and outside the realm of "normal grief", such as that of a family member. In my case there was the added shock of finding out that Linda was not going through life like the rest of us as I always thought. She had been dead for almost 40 years and I did not know it. Most of my lifetime. So the more helpful thing is to talk with others that are experiencing the same thing.

To me, having someone continuing to think about her and remember her is something she deserves. After all this time her immediate family is dead, and the others from high school that knew and suffered the pain of her death have packed their pain and grief away on a shelf decades ago. I am the last one carrying her standard, and remembering her daily. I say a prayer to her every day telling her that someone still remembers her and loves her after all these years, and that she is not forgotten on this Earth. She deserved a full life like the rest of us and her memory should not be "shelved". I don't know if she can hear me. But it does not matter. It's just the right thing to do.