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Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Rob67, May 15, 2020.

  1. kimberlysue6556

    kimberlysue6556 New Member

    December 2019 I found out my husband of 10 years was being inappropriate with my 12 year old granddaughter, divorce final in the summer of 2020. During this whole nightmare, January 10 2019 my sister, best friend died suddenly in her sleep at 60 years old .I am way to sad now. I totally understand the Groundhog Day feeling. I want to feel happy, but I don't know how.
     
  2. I found out early February 2021 that the man I dated during my college years and a little after prior to marrying my spouse passed four years ago. My legs went out and I hit the ground. Completely unexpected, his passing and my collapsing. It is June and I think of him every day, especially the last day that I saw him, 26 years ago when he begged me not to marry the guy I married, who as it turns out is pretty horrible. To make things worse, I learned that he was trying to contact me through family, but they again thought it was inappropriate and never told me. His last contact was shortly before his passing. Not one person understands or empathizes with my pain because they just see me as a long term married person and I should be happy. The grief is real and has been severe. Your story resounds with what I am feeling. I do not believe there is anything wrong with you. I believe there are those people in our lives that were our people and sometimes we don't know it or realize it until they aren't here. I have to be honest, my family pushed me to marry the person I married, and although I did not actively think of my love, I believe I was repressing the way I felt, out of respect for the decision I made to marry the other person.. I'm sorry for your loss.
     
  3. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    You just put into words the experience I have when I obsess over Facebook posts and pictures. I am really making an effort to divert my focus and choose more healthy ways to remember him, so thank you for that.
     
  4. I understand putting things in a box... When I chose to marry someone else, largely influenced by my family and a bump in our road, I hate to say, I did the 'right' thing and put my feelings and thoughts of our long term unconventional relationship away. I hadn't thought of him, that's how I missed his passing. Recently I wrote people on Facebook like you mentioned above. Several didn't even remember him unless I used his nickname. They didn't know the real man. Others didn't even respond, I don't know what that was about. It was kind of a painful process actually. It all has just hurt. In the meantime, I live with a spouse who I didn't realize actually hated him, he laughed, yes laughed at the thought of his passing. My guy could see what my family couldn't see when they pushed me to marry "mr. perfection". He asked me not to marry him. Anyhow, I was four years late responding to his passing so people kind of treated me like I was strange or something. They couldn't understand that my heart was breaking, or why, being that I, again, am married for just over 25 years... Yes, I'm married, and the love of my life passed and I didn't realize just how much I loved him until he was gone. I saw a picture of him. He had the saddest eyes I had ever seen. We make commitments and we try to do the right thing. I was listening to my family when I chose and married someone I didn't know well enough and broke my own heart - 25 years later. Ha, that's bizarre, but he's my person, that's why the pain is so deep and vivid. I remember everything like it was yesterday. Your posts are from a little while back, I hope you are ok. Five months have passed and I made no progress whatsoever. Well, I did wake up and realize I need to do better in my present situation. This made me remember what it feels like to actually be with someone who loves me versus someone who just fits the check marks and looks good for the public. I am going to do better because of him and because of that love.
     
  5. Oh my goodness, I was just feeling the same way. No one will even talk to me. My husband is cruel-not that I would talk to him about it. But it's like he an sense my pain and does things to add to it There is no way I could tell my family that the love of my life has passed when I am a married female, can you imagine how that would go over? I feel like people who knew him grieved quickly and moved on and I was late. It just happened for me and I am having trouble processing. For the first few months, I looked like I had extra bladder issues because I had to take multiple bathroom cry breaks. I take cry drives. This really hurts. He was my person. Period. It hurts that I can't connect with one person who loved him also. I don't want to just let him not be here.
     
  6. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    I hope you both feel better seen. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
     
  7. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry you both are sick. Allergies ate bad now too. My son just got over a upper respiratory infection. So much going around. When is the funeral? Maybe you will feel ok at least to go for a little while . I hope so!
     
  8. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry. It sucks so bad when u cannot do anything at all to see them, call them, go back in time. Nothing helps. We have eachother here so at least we can share but it will always suck.
     
  9. Thank you - that means so much. I have been completely alone and I never knew what that felt like before. I think having him out there made me feel less alone before. I also need to figure out how this forum works, it took me awhile to figure out someone had even written anything... Thank you again
     
    Sue M likes this.
  10. I also believe you will meet again.
     
  11. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    I get emails only sometimes, otherwise I check on here to see if any alerts on top right. Will be a red notification showing if anyone has commented. This is all I have now to share my thoughts. I'm not talking about it to my friends anymore. I just feel it gets old to them.
     
  12. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

     
    AnneWantsToGetBetter likes this.
  13. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    I think you only get an email of someone replies to a specific post. The original post is quoted in a yellow box above the reply. If someone just posts something on this thread, you can’t see it unless you login and check for the red number by the alerts on the top right.
     
  14. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    That has always been the worst part for me. Feeling completely alone, because it is NOT something you can talk about with your spouse. There is no way they could understand. Please know that you can feel secure that you have people you can talk to now here.
     
    Sue M likes this.
  15. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    That has been hard for me as well. I just visited some family out of state, and while I enjoyed the visit very much, I felt like I was keeping to myself this huge life changing event. This is a place where I can come to connect with others who are going through similar experiences and I’m grateful. Every time someone posts something I can relate to, I feel less alone.
     
    Sue M likes this.
  16. SF2811

    SF2811 Member

    Thank you. My daughter is much better now, and I feel my cold may be reaching its peak but I managed to attend the funeral today. I feel it might still take me a while to process this, but it was good to see some old friends and have them very much welcome me with open arms and make me feel it was right to be there.

    I’ve barely stopped crying today, but one of my friends came over to cheer me up and made me lunch. She knew Alex but not very well so she did not attend the funeral. It was so sad being there knowing of his struggles and how young he was and wishing somehow that one of us had been strong enough or present enough in his life to do something. But he was so defensive and put up a wall when it came to his emotions so he just didn’t let anyone help.

    Thank you again for you all checking in on me. Now the funeral is over, I feel that I’ll be expected to just get on with life. Obviously there’s an element of that that is true, but it will still be hard to process it and let it all go….so I am super grateful for this community.

    Hope you are all doing well, my thoughts are with you all x
     
    Sue M likes this.
  17. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry, I wish we could give eachother hugs but Im sending you one! I am so glad you were able to go and connect with people too. It will be a long emotional road, but we are here for you! Also Im really glad your daughter is better :)
     
    SF2811 likes this.
  18. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    I saw this today. Wanted to share on here. Its 100% true for all of us!
     

    Attached Files:

  19. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    Very true.
     
  20. Wow, thank you for sharing that.
     
    Sue M likes this.