New to site, widowed 6, weeks, WTF,!!!

I cry, I scream, I curse. I grieve in whatever way I must for the life that was.
I laugh, I sing, I dance. I celebrate in whatever way I can for the life that is.

 

I thought this grief was a deep lake with a coat of ice, I tried to keep it smooth so we could all navigate from now until memories dulled like blades. I have found it is an ocean filled with ice bergs.

 

All the friends and family in the world won't bring back my beautiful wife she suddenly passed away from liver failure and heart failure due 2 cigarettes and vodka i should've seen the signs but i didn't she was 33yrs old waaaaay 2 early to lose your significant other if i had of just put down that damn vodka bottle for a second i would have taken her to the clinic or hospital and she was 2 drunk to take herself of course there was very little warning signs but maybe i just tell myself that to eliminate any guilt in the situation that's absolutely fucked how cancer robbed u of your 1 and only partner that nonsense killed my favorite grandma as well god bless u and i hope things turn out better for u

 

Wow that is young , My First husband (61)passed in 2007 pancreatic cancer....never smoked or had any bad habits
My second husband (65) passed away September 8 th......he did smoke ..diabetic.. however a dang fungus got him....so fast My head is still spinning...Ive always been a positive person...The anger of losing 2 amazing men that were so different but yet so wonderful is eating me up....I stumbled on this site just to see if there's others that have lost 2 spouses. Im in shock ...

 

I can't imagine losing 2 loved ones like that i pray 2 god that u can just finally find happiness nobody deserves this this site is really helpfull 2 hear other people's stories and know im not alone in this struggle

 

Today its one month....Im not sure where Ill be led next..I just hope and pray the gut wrenching hurt subsides..Twice is just too much. I keep thinking how much it hurts but yet I had so much joy...so confused. I pray to remember the good times unfortunately the horrific pain I needlessly witnessed is still right in my face...I will get my day in court and many people will I hope lose their jobs but nothing will bring my husband back.

 

WOW! Is that ever true! Depending on who is around I can act "ok" but if I'm alone. The tears just flow. I miss him so!

 

Reading everyone's posts brings back so many memories and has helped me realized just how far I have come in the grieving process. I lost my husband 10 months after he was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. When we got the news he had cancer, it was a complete shock to us both. I don't think my husband grasped at first what the prognosis of stage 4 cancer meant; however, we both prayed and kept a positive attitude. He had retired and I was still working full time. I was fortunate that my employer allowed me to adjust my schedule whenever I needed to take care of my husband. There were days that I felt so guilty of having to go to work and leaving him alone all day, but it was how it had to be. He was on chemo for a few months and at first the chemo was working. Early on I promised him I would be with him through out this journey. I watched my husband get weaker and slowly die every day for 10 months. I supported him in every way I could. I didn't sleep and was physically and emotionally exhausted. I developed tendinitis in my arm from helping lifting him up out of bed. I had to feed him through a feeding tube. I read to him, I prayed with him, I cried with him, I talked with him. I was the strong one offering endless love, care, and encouragement to him. Toward the end, he was at peace at the realization that he was going to die. He told me he was tired and wanted to end chemo and go into hospice care and he asked me if I was ok with that. I told him that was his decision to make and that I loved him and that I was there to support him. He lived one month after going into hospice care. I never would have made it through those 10 months or all these months after his death without God's strength. God's strength kept me going. I remember watching him take his last weak breath in the early morning of February 27th. I remember thinking oh my this is really over. I remember the numbness and the sadness I felt. I remember the questions of what now? I feel I was going walking through the motions that day as I watched the funeral home people come get my husband. His lifeless body made an impact image in my mind. I still get flashbacks of that day. Luckily, I had a brother who took over and helped with the funeral arrangements. I remember the heartbroken pain and the many tears I shed afterwards. And the tears would show up unpredictably. I could be driving and hear a particular songs and I would cry. I would see happy couples holding hands or laughing and I would cry because that was suppose to be me and him. I took a month off from work after my husband died. I attended grief share meetings at my local church. Those meetings were very helpful. The first few months people are attentive to you offering a lot of encouragement and then they go back to their normal lives. It's not that they don't care, it is mainly because they don't understand because they haven't walked in your shoes. As people go back to their normal lives, you are left adapting to a new life of being single. It is a scary journey to travel. You have to learn how to do things that your spouse used to take care of. You have to learn to adapt coming home to an empty house. Your finances usually change.
Luckily, I did not have young children. Your whole world turned upside down. I can remember the raw despair and pain I felt after I left. The most important things I learned in grief share is that there is no wrong way to grieve and everyone grieves differently. I learned that to grieve you need to embrace and let yourself feel the emotions you feel. I also learned that my life is important and even though a very important person in my life died, my life wasn't over. I had the choice to wallow in the despair of death or I could strive to move forward with my life. Would my husband want me to be sad all the time? I remember my husband asking me several times before he died, would I be ok. I assured and promised him that I would be ok and didn't want him to worry or focus on me. I told him I had my family, my friends, my church, and God. God hasn't let me down. God has sent many people into my life to help me emotionally and physically. It has been a 1 1/2 years since the passing of my husband. The pain and rawness I felt in the beginning in not as intense. I do still cry. I still have trouble sleeping sometimes. The hardest part I am experiencing is dealing with the extreme loneliness. Grief journey is unique to us all. It takes individual work through your grief. You have to accept the challenge of working through the grief for healing. I am still in my grief journey, but as I look back to a year ago I can say I have made positive progress. My husband will always live in my heart. I have a life to live. Not sure what the direction of my life is at the moment, but I have chosen to take the challenge of finding out. I never have been angry, but I have been disappointed. Faith is an important aspect in my life. I remember reading a passage in Numbers in the Bible. The passage read "he lived his numbered days and died". I believe my husband had lived his numbered days. Unfortunately, I felt he died too young and it really sucks and I hate it. Yet, that isn't my decision and it's life. Death is going to happen to all us. Grief is normal. But I do believe there is hope, there is healing, there is peace, and there is life after grief. It is important to find the support and encouragement we need to succeed in traveling our journey. Love to you all!

 

Extremely inspiring, I to am now feeling that after a month ....people have moved on while I am still in the early stages of grief. Im oh so glad I have put it in the Lords hands. You have an amazing gift with words of truthThank you so very much for sharing.

 

"My adult kids say I have them but it's not the same." I am so glad someone else thinks this. I love my kids and grandkids but losing your person, your best friend, your lover, your confidante all at once is so devastating. I keep thinking the next day will be better, but it's getting worse. I hate myself, I hate my life, and I have no idea how I will live the rest of my life without him. You have a lot of company here on this site.

 

I lost my husband and best friend suddenly to pulmonary fibrosis. He was diagnosed and died 2 days later. We didn't even have time to "fight" it. It's only been 8 months and I am a mess. I cry and scream for him every day. All the plans we made for growing older together are gone. Most days I feel like I'm trapped in a box of sorrow that I'll never escape from. I keep trying but I am very much alone and praying doesn't seem to help. No answers to all of my questions. Bless you all.

 

I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. I understand all that you’re feeling and the pain you’re going through. And that prayers aren’t helping. Ive been there and know it’s a lonely scary place to be. In time memories do make you smile and nothing can take that away from you. I know, we don’t want memories we want our person, but memories are the next best thing. It takes time to get there, but I do feel fortunate for the wonderful life we lived and I’d do it all again even knowing the outcome. Try to stay busy and get fresh air. Get your blood flowing.
There will be better days ahead. Keep trying to reach them.

 

I'm so sorry. I'm the reverse of your story. I'm left with our farm and my wife is gone. It's been 2yrs last October. The pain has numbed somewhat. But I still have no clear path forward. I've begun watching TV again, which for me was a huge step back into my old life. I just had no interest. And I've begun cooking a bit too. Again, I just wasn't motivated.
I hope you've gathered strength to move ahead with your life. Some days after better than others, but overall, not as dark now.
My apologies for not seeing your message sooner. As you know, some things get forgotten till later. Stay strong. I wish you the best!

 

I hope things are better for you. I've come a long way in two and a half years. But life is still empty. Maybe one day I will be happier.
Wishing you strength. And hoping you find what makes you happy too.

Jamie

 

I lost my husband 4 months ago and he struggled so bad at the end it was brutal. I miss him so much and it's hard when you have been with someone for 33 years and now I am all alone. it sucks. I would love to just find a friend who wanted to travel, I don't want to go by myself

 

Hello Cicc. My name is Gary and my girlfriend Cheryl died suddenly of a cardiac arrest almost 18 months ago. I found an in person grief support meeting and started therapy. I read 7 books about grief recovery and meditation. I was also taking antidepressants and sleep meds. With all the help I slowly spiraled down emotionally and physically anyway. At that point I felt I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and went to the doctor. The doctor explained everything I was experiencing because of losing Cheryl was normal. Grief is terminal. We have to express it. It’s like a toxin. it has to bubble out of us. I eventually got off the antidepressants and sleep meds but had to go back on the sleep meds again. At the 10 month mark of Cheryl’s transition I felt I was stabilizing. Have you read 6 needs of the mourner? Google it. It explains our grief journey. If you start posting on the loss of spouse thread you will get more feedback also. Regular interaction we people who are going through the same thing helps. My therapist was employed through hospice and specializes in grief therapy. She said on the average grieving spouses start dating 6 months after their loss. And they are mainly looking for companionship. I hope to see you on the loss of spouse thread soon. Be very gentle and compassionate with yourself. You don’t have to do this alone. Gary