New to site, widowed 6, weeks, WTF,!!!

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by HeidiHeidi, Jul 7, 2019.

  1. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    I understand what you mean. I was very independent before marriage and independent with marriage but not having someone who loves and supports you and climbs in bed with you at night as I had during 43 years of marriage is scary. Anyone who says "now you have to move on and live your life." has not lived through a major loss. It is a gradual I am sure. I am at a place (after 6 months) that I can start to see friends again. For 6 months I just wanted to be alone. Right now I would like someone just to hang out with but not for romance. One thing I noticed is that now that i am alone I need to search for things to do to distract me. I went to church for the first time in 5 years but even though everyone was very nice, I felt lonely because my husband was the extravert friend maker and now I am having to do it by myself.
     
    Bogman and glego like this.
  2. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    I try to plan my week out so I have something I need to get out for on a daily basis. I do allow for stay in days, I think that's important. Are there any meetup groups that you can join in? Book clubs? Something social, other than work, but even work helps.

    Remember that show Sex in the City, there was one episode when Miranda worries that she may die alone and her cat will decide to feed off her. Sadly I get that now, sometimes days will go by with me not speaking to anyone, and the people I do speak to it isn't daily so no one would think it strange not to hear from me.

    We always had each others backs, well until now. I get it, it's very strange.
     
    Bogman likes this.
  3. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    Actually, I am doing not so bad. I am lucky I work part time. I do belong to a book club too. I did go to a grief counselor a couple of times, but maybe because I am a psychologist myself I didn't find it so helpful. I self talk all the stuff someone else tell me to do. I am just being very selfish. if I want to do something I just do it. If I want to be alone, I tell everyone to leave me alone. I am an introvert (though most people don't believe it) so feel better when I am alone. Fear of being alone forever is a big fear though, especially because it sounds like the word lonely. I am hoping it is not the same thing.
     
  4. Blondie49

    Blondie49 Member

    Hi to everyone out there,
    It was a hard day for me. I am trying to keep busy and hoping to find joy again some day. I think I should give in to this grief. Acknowledge it and go with the sad feeling. By nature, I am an upbeat person, so this attitude goes completely against my nature. But I am really tired of trying. Trying to be anything other than sad. It's just too sad. Thank you all, for anyone that responds. At least, it feels like someone hears & understands me.
     
  5. Blondie49

    Blondie49 Member

    Cathy,
    If I was an introvert, it would be easier. Im not so this sad feeling is really bothering me. I also work part time, thank God. Im considering talking to a grief conselor, but I just hate the thought of it.
     
  6. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    To Cathy & Blondie, all we can do is to do our best. For me I know there are times I need to push myself out the door, also so thankful for my work, that helps. I think we all know internally what we need and when, follow that. I do the self talking too, seems to help. I know I've read that people journal, I worry that if something happened to me that my most private thoughts would be read, so I don't.

    I wouldn't worry about being selfish, when you suffer a loss, you need to heal.
     
  7. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    A couple of quotes I love..

    “Death ends a life, not a relationship.”
    ― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie

    “Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.”
    ― Mitch Albom
     
    Bogman likes this.
  8. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member


    It is sad, very sad. Not sure what you mean by giving into the grief but for me allowing it out at times helps me, it's strange but it brings temporary peace . As for finding joy, I really do feel that we all can find a new version once this hurt fades, I hope your day tomorrow goes better. Dan
     
    ainie and glego like this.
  9. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    One person I know who lost a spouse many years ago and who had gone to a grief therapist had told me then that the way she dealt with her grief was take one hour a day (it could be 2), the same time every day and just allow that to be grief time; to cry write letters (you can burn afterwards) but the same time every day. i have not tried that myself but it seemed like a good strategie that worked for her
     
  10. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Cathy, strangely enough I've fallen into a rhythm. Mornings are a time of reflection and some tears, so is late evening as I remember our time being together at the end of the day. Seems to help.
     
    ainie likes this.
  11. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    I guess I should practice what I preach and do it myself.
     
  12. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    i sometimes just have bad days and stay alone all day letting myself be sad and cry. It seems to help because by the next day I feel better.
     
    ainie, David Hughes and glego like this.
  13. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Nothing wrong with that, Cathy. As you said, the next day you feel better.
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  14. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    Funny thats when I also find it hits the hardest, I guess we have less distractions at that time...
     
    ainie, glego and David Hughes like this.
  15. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Less distraction and upon waking the realization that you're facing another day without them.
     
  16. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    My family (adult children and grandkids) have decided to go into complete shutdown isolation due to Coronavirus. They want me to go to where I will be shut up in a mountain cabin in Montana. It sounds too depressing. They mean well, but I think I would rather stay home and be miserable alone. I woke up feeling a little on the low side.
     
  17. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Cathy, sorry to hear this, I think they're panicking a bit too much. The flu kills more people, I get the concern and don't want to minimize it. I'm with you here, I wouldn't go hide in the mountains. Try to get a walk in, I hope your day gets better.
     
  18. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    I will bury myself in Doc Martin and work on my work. I might be going overseas again soon so need to prepare. Maybe a quiet day is in the works for me today.
     
  19. plantandleave

    plantandleave New Member


    Hi Heidi,

    You will know, what you will know, when you are supposed to. This time has much magic in it, that I cannot put into words in typing. There are doors open inside you right now, that you are unaware of. I did not come to this site for the first time today, to provide solutions for anyone. Only you can do that. Your loved ones, your friends, and everyone else in the world will never be able to fathom what you fathom. Life has showed me that sometimes, things you think you are sure of...you are really unsure of, until they sit in your lap. Life is your choice though, it will be until you breath that last breath, and when you are 10 breathes away...you will know. That is about all we can be sure of. Lastly, anytime...Greg
     
    Bogman likes this.
  20. Blondie49

    Blondie49 Member

    Hi Heidi,
    It's been 6 mos. since my husband passed. I know how you feel. I'm sorry you have to go through this . I guess when it comes right down to it, we have to realize, that this too, is a part of life. I'm not so good at the grieving process. I really tried to just forget about it and get on with my life. But it keeps on creeping back into my days, hours and life. I joined this site because I think there are a lot of us out here, that need to talk to each other. There is safety in numbers. I hope you keep posting, we all need to hear from each other. If anything, just to know what we are experiencing is real.
    Take care,
    Blondie 49
     
    Bogman and ainie like this.