New to site, widowed 6, weeks, WTF,!!!

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by HeidiHeidi, Jul 7, 2019.

  1. HeidiHeidi

    HeidiHeidi New Member

    My sweet husband died of cancer just 3 months after his diagnosis at 52!
    I just can’t wrap my mind around it. I’m trying to rest and exercise and eat right but I’m so miserable! I know I’m not ready to date yet and I believe there will be happier days ahead but when? This is just too damn sad and lonely for me.
    My friends want to help but I don’t even know what I need! I think I need a 50 year old female who lost her life partner to cancer to actually understand the devastation I currently reside in. Taking down all his pictures makes me feel better but I’m worried if I do that I won’t ever be able to look at them again. I want to move through the grieving process in a healthy way. I hope to meet fellow grievers to take the unwanted journey with! We got this
     
  2. diana harvey

    diana harvey New Member

    Heidi...My sweet husband Philip (64) died at home with hospice. It's been a year and a half living without him, alone in this house we built, here in the Bay Area, California. We'd been together for over 17 years. One day, not to long ago, I called my grief counselor just beside myself with grief. I asked her through my sobbing should I take down his coats, hats that continue to hang near mine, would that help? She calmly said, "Take them down and if you don't feel ok about doing so, put them back up." They're still hanging plus his photos in almost every room. I feel deeply lonely and lost still, despite being around people. I feel my best when I'm among my new tribe of widows and widowers, mostly from our Hospice Grief group. Of course we share things we do and think of to one another, rather than anyone else outside our tribe, as they may think we're nuts...like talking to our spouses throughout the day, having rituals of bedtime, and waking, the things we do. Only this new tribe gets it and feels safe saying the things we do, "you do that, too?" At nearly 64, I feel I'm ready to possibly date. I miss male companionship. The other day, some man I just met at a function again, gently touched my shoulder and said, "It's good to see you again, Diana." I thought my knees would buckle. It'd been so long that a man, other than my family have touched me. It makes me think of the Bruce Springsteen song, "Human Touch". I'm still on the fence with this new idea of dating. I thought of on-line dating but read the reviews and quickly gave up the notion. I know Philip has his hand in guiding someone to me. He said so, before he left us. My desire is to have a man that is a widow as well. I think it would be easier, as we could be free talking about our spouses. I think at the 2 year mark I may be ready...just a few months to go. We'll see...
     
  3. HeidiHeidi

    HeidiHeidi New Member

    Thanks Diana for sharing your story, it helps to know that others have found comfort at some point because right now it feels like I am drowning in my sorrow.
     
  4. Lostmybestfriend

    Lostmybestfriend New Member

    I lost my wife to cancer October 3rd 2019. I couldn't even think of taking her pictures down. They give me comfico still. I know at some point I will slowly do it but I just don't feel it right now. She is everywhere in our home. I'm still just numb and left wondering why. I've considered dating as I'm dreadfully lonely but that doesn't seem right either. The online stuff looks just plain weird. Life just sucks right now.
     
  5. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    Hello Heidi, my husband was diagnosed at 54 with incurable multiple myeloma. It stopped us in our tracks & we fought cancer together for 10 years. I was indeed luckier than you & hubby. B/C I had him - very sick - but with me. I'm now 1-year into his loss & I'm worse now than ever. My family is having trouble being around me b/c I'm so grief struck. You are absolutely correct - you need someone who has experienced exactly what you have. People THINK they can figure it out for you. They think they "would do it this way, or say things that way" but I just say in my mind - when you are 1 year past the anniversary of his death - CALL ME. Let me know how that's going for you.

    I unfortunately have 2 girlfriends who are in the same exact place as me. We are able to send little messages to say "bad day"...."wish it were better"....."hold up your head"......but I want HIM back. One size grief doesn't fit all. Do it your way - grieve like Heidi - while I grieve like Susan.
     
  6. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    Hello lost.....I too lost the love of my life 11-27-19 - so 11 months earlier than your wife. There's just nothing else to say. This new life sucks sucks suck. I don't want it. I want to go find him. In my bedroom - where no one else can see - I have all my favorite pictures of us throughout our 35 years. It's comforting to me. I talk to him daily....I write letters to him often. I write all the same things I used to tell him but he's not here to comfort me. I'm thinking of running away for a while. I left home for 1 month over his "anniversary month" - and although it didn't give me THE answers it helped being away from reality. Time will tell - just sick of people telling me things "for my own good b/c they love me". I want to say "When your spouse is dead - call me & let me know how things are going for you...."
     
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  7. Lostmybestfriend

    Lostmybestfriend New Member

    It's so hard when she is everywhere. I love remembering her but I hate how it feels. Lonely hardly describes the feeling. My adult kids say I have them but it's not the same. That closeness, complete trust, common thinking, 30 years of teamwork, cuddling, just even car rides. Everyday is a battle.... To stay sane and together. Friends and family show concern, which I appreciate, but then they are gone again. Their life moves on and mine is still stuck here, broken. I truly believe time will heal, but dammit hurry up!! I hate life right now I find myself listening to heartbreak songs on Spotify. One song that I wish I could blare to the world sums up my life right now, and maybe most people suffering loss ~ "I lie" by Jason McCoy. Dear God it is sooooo true
     
  8. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    I listened to your song.......I wish I could do it - just lie. But me - no I've got a neon-sign face that flashing my horror, grieff, & sorrow. So maybe I should trying lying to keep people from being so put off by me. I got reprimanded by my baby sister today.....She going to use "tough love" on me because I'm in a "pity hole". OMG - what the heck to do? Lost without Peter - you get it!
     
  9. Lostmybestfriend

    Lostmybestfriend New Member

    I just find making others sad by telling them how I really feel at the time makes them uncomfortable or feel the need to push me along to a faster recovery. But I need to set my own pace and I don't really know what that is. Everyone means well but unless they have experienced the brutal grief we have, I just don't like talking much about it. I will survive, as you will and we will find our way. I just smile and make small talk and try to build my life again from the day it was shattered. Slow yes, but it's coming along. Had friends over for Christmas party tonight and for 6 or 7 hours, I felt like all was good again. So I know it can get better, and it will for you too.
     
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  10. EAZYTZ

    EAZYTZ New Member

    Grief has 2 faces - one that says "oh, Im doing just fine, thanks" The other says - Im in constant pain, my heart hurts and I can't just talk about that.!
     
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  11. EAZYTZ

    EAZYTZ New Member

    Has anyone had a loved one's belongings that included their artwork? paintings, drawings, etc.? so hard to know what to do with it.
     
  12. Cancersucks

    Cancersucks New Member

    Heidi I'm also a 50 yr old woman who lost my husband to cancer on may 25 2019 . I have 2 kids 15yr old and a 12 yr old and have a 200 acre farm and work full time I havent done anything with my husband stuff his room sits as it was when he went into the hospital for the last time. His machine shop still sits as he left it .the kids and I still live in the house my husband built lots of memories here . The kids and I suffer from depression and anxiety from my husbands passing.
     
  13. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    I'm looking into finding a grief support group to meet with, perhaps that would be a good place to start? It's still raw for me and I'm still pushing back on the reality of it all. My friends have been supportive, however I don't want to wear them out, I also sense they want me to be my old self, that's natural I know they don't want to see me hurting. I just don't think they get the enormity of my grief. I'm not myself, I'm forgetful, impatient and it's hard for me to get stuff done. Some things have been donated, but I'm in no hurry. This site does help, but I think something more personal will too. Anyone ever hear of camp widow?
     
  14. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    Hi I just read your post. I just lost my life partner to Cancer and it sucks. I just hit the 6 month mark and the panic feelings have subsided some.
     
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  15. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    Thats nice to read that your seeing improvement Cathy, it helps to know that after 6 months you're feeling somewhat better !! It's been 2 1/2 months since I lost my sweetheart and there are days that I can see the future can be brighter but then the darker days come back, I truly believe this new reality will continue to get better over time for all of us. Dan
     
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  16. Brihau

    Brihau Member

    Lost my husband on 12/16, I cry every day, some days more than others. I have no idea when it will get better, but it’s not something I can control. I don’t think we need to put a clock on this, this grief is as individual as our love. It is how we express our love now.
     
  17. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    I think your 100% correct, timelines don't apply !! One day I know I'll be able to go tear free and remember her with just warmth and love....
     
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  18. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    After the one year mark everything seem to fall apart again. It’s been 15 months and I am more lost now than ever. I have only tertiary relationship with two sisters and don’t think things will be better for a while. I just stopped communicating because my grief was self centered & They feel I need Tough love to move forward. I don’t want it. Self isolation isn’t working either. My dog is w me but I miss Peter every day every minute.
     
  19. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    2 faces.....indeed!! if you tell people the want to help but that’s painful too. I just miss “us”!!
     
  20. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you have to go through that, I don't understand why they feel you need "tough love" what you need is gentle understanding. I hope you have some supportive friends, or can find a grief group. I keep my dog close, they just love and don't judge, in my first few days he was the reason I had to get out of bed.
     
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