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Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by LindaAnn, Oct 23, 2020.

  1. LindaAnn

    LindaAnn Member

    Hello everyone,
    I am not sure if this was the right thing to do. I lost my husband one month ago, and I am grieving, and my heart hurts. I miss him so much. We were married for 23 years.
    My husband was older than I, and he was a wheelchair user. In the last few months of his life, he started acting differently. I ignored the signs, and for that, I feel so guilty. Maybe he would still be here if I could have gotten him the proper care.
    About 6 months ago, he started acting agitated. Then he would start forgetting little things. He lost his appetite and lost weight.
    I called 911 4 times, and each time, he was in the hospital for about a week.
    He had diabetes, and I used to take his blood sugar and give him his insulin. When his sugar got out of control, I called 911 to bring him to the hospital, and he got an insulin drip, which helped him right away. The other 2 times, I noticed blood in his urine. I spoke to the dr, and I was told nothing was wrong with him and sent him home. The second time it was the same thing UTI with blood in his urine. This time I asked the doctor to check his bladder and kidneys, please. They said he was ok, and I asked them to take a biopsy or find out why this is happening. Again they said nothing wrong.
    I frequently asked him how he felt, and he always replied, fine!
    He was eventually diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. It was fast. He came home and was perfect for about a week; then he started grunting; I asked what is wrong, he said nothing. I asked, why are you making that noise? Are you in pain? I can get you a pain pill. He said, No, there is nothing you can do; go back to bed.
    He passed away within 48 hours. I still can not believe this.
    I am so lost; I love him so much. I do not want to leave my place or do anything; I spend a lot of time in bed. Is this normal?
    My son and daughter in law suggested I see a grief counselor. I do not want to leave to so that either.
    Thank you all for listening...I welcome any advice you may have.
    Linda
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Linda Ann, I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. And understand the pain and loneliness you’re feeling. Nothing prepares us for this overwhelming pain, it’s all encompassing. I hope you have family and friends offering support. Accept any help offered, if you don’t know what help you might need ask for someone to come over and sit and have coffee. The company is a big help. Step outside and breathe in fresh air. Your loss is very recent, it’s hard to believe this happened and we all tend to hope it’s a nightmare we need to wake up from. I lost my husband very suddenly, he had no health issues, we had a nice day together doing errands and chores, but he turned sick around 9:30 pm, stomach virus symptoms, he got worse fast and it was his heart. I called 911 and the ambulance got him to the hospital. I lost the love of my life at 11:34pm. From what we thought he was healthy to gone in 2 hours. I couldn’t comprehend this happened. I didn’t want to leave the house either or do anything. But I learned that doing little things helped me, staying a little busy makes your mind think of other things. I’m glad you have a daughter who is hopefully giving you support. My children are my best support, my daughter in particular who lives 15 minutes away. My son offers support but he’s in Florida. I lost my husband almost 2 years ago, I’m in a better place and can smile about wonderful memories and I can listen to music again where I couldn’t do either of those things for a long time. I still have struggles and miss him every minute of every day. But I’m doing better and things will get better for you too. But it takes time.
    The guilt you’re feeling tends to be something we all put ourselves through. Not necessary but we do it. You were there for your husband, you took him multiple times to get help and you were told there’s nothing. You did your best, the hospital seems to bare failed you. Try to focus on you, make a list of small things to try to do today. Brush your teeth, take the dog out, wash a few dishes. Crossing them off feel good and what you didn’t do is ok there’s tomorrow. What you mention is normal, we’re in shock and close down. It does take some push to get moving and my daughter helped me with that. And my son made us each promise to get outside every day and breathe in fresh air. He saw that we wanted to stay inside and do nothing. I kept that promise even if I just went in the back yard. It was helpful advice. He’d ask me each day, did you get out today? My husband passed right before the holidays and the stores made me so sad and still do at holiday time in particular.
    I find that honoring my husband and the wonderful life we had helps me through each day. He’d be upset to know I’m still hurting but proud to know I’m trying.
    There will be better days ahead, keep working towards them.
    Sending you hugs! ❤️
     
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  3. LindaAnn

    LindaAnn Member

    Thank you so much for your lovely email. It seems that you can actually feel my heart. You have given me great advice and I will try my best to follow your suggestions. I have to go to the PO and have been trying to get out every day this week. I seem to find an excuse to stay home and not leave my place.
    After one of his hospitals stays they sent him to rehab that is another story in itself. While he was there he kept telling me how tired he was. George was 88 years old when he died. He had diabetes and what I later found out was that he had dementia. We would kid around with each other so much and laugh about the silliest things I thought he was joking around at times but clearly that was not the case. I do not know if there was something he was trying to tell me when he kept telling me how tired he was and I was not picking up on what he meant. When we got married he promised me at least 30 years of marriage. That may sound odd to you but the reason for that was that I lost my first husband to a heart attack when he was 49 years old.
    George was a prince and treated me like a princess. My gentle giant, I would call him because he was so kind and so tall. He saw the good in everyone and once you met him you would just fall in love with his magnetic personality.
    You are absolutely right, nothing prepares you for this.
    We used to live in Illinois and one day he asked if I wanted to move to Florida so I could be close to my son if something happened to him. He said I am quite a bit older than you are and I do not want you to be alone when I die. The first thing I thought of the day he died was, this is the day he was trying to prepare me for but I was not or never would be prepared.
    Thank you for taking the time to read my story and for sending me your beautiful response. I cried while writing this email just thinking about the love of my life.
    I hope we talk soon, have a great day, and stay safe...
    Linda
     
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Excuses to stay home are normal, it’s hard to face the world, and it feels vulnerable. The PO is hard to visit for me because that’s where our business got mail and I had to close our shop. Plus I live in a small town, everyone knows everyone. I wasn’t up to the how are you? Or small talk of any kind. The PO , bank and local grocery store were hard to go in. I know you’re saying you feel the need to stay in the safety of your home, but I bet seeing people doesn’t feel ok right now either. You’ll get out eventually. And in time it becomes easier. Get fresh air in your back yard, walk around your yard, get your blood flowing. It’s helpful.
    George was taking of you for when he would be gone, that’s a great man. Looking to be sure you wouldn’t be alone. Ron did the same me, he told me and each of our children that if something happens to me, Mom will be fine financially. She can do and get whatever she needs. And like you, I thought wow, that time is here. Of course what we want is our old life back and have our husbands by our side. But the forethought the had to care for us when they’re gone, comes from such love and care. They’re still caring for our needs. I hope your son is offering support, and staying in touch with you.
    Don’t push yourself too hard, but try to do a little something each day. ❤️
     
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  5. LindaAnn

    LindaAnn Member

    You have to the be angel that I need right now. Everything you say makes sense to me. You are such a kind and caring person and I appreciate you taking your precious time corresponding with me. I have a lady here cleaning my place today I am so thankful I will have a clean condo.
    I have a neighbor that probably means well but she is such a pain in the butt. She has been calling me several times per day. Sometimes I can not sleep at night and I finally sleep around 8 or 9 am. At 10 am she is calling me and I can not get back to sleep. I have asked her not to call so much and she agrees. Not 24 hours go by and she is calling me. Talking about the neighbors or all the things that ail her. I could care less about all of that now or ever. I do not know how to get her to leave me alone, she is so intrusive on my personal private time.
    Please tell me what to do about her without hurting her feelings.
    Thank you, dear,
    Linda
     
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  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Linda, I’m glad things I’m offering and saying make sense to you and hopefully Something is helpful in some way. I know that knowing you’re not alone in how you feel, helps a lot.
    That’s great you had someone come in and clean for you. One less thing to worry about, too many other things on our minds that need attention.
    I’m sure you’re neighbor does mean well. But constant calling and talking small talk and about other neighbors and her ailments are not welcome calls. I’m not sure how to handle that. Except just be honest, be thankful for her calls and checking on you, but you’re not getting any sleep and your life feels like it’s in turmoil. And sometimes you don’t fall asleep until the middle of the day. Let her know you appreciate her concern but would she be ok to be in touch less, in case you’re trying to sleep. You could turn the sound on your phone off.
    My sister called me often when Ron first passed, but she understood my need to be left alone sometimes.and she even told me she understood if I didn’t pick up. Things took a turn with her and Ive stopped all communication with her. But early on she was good support.
    Nights seem to be the worst part of our day, it’s dark and the house too quiet, we’re alone and our mind starts thinking too much. It’s still hard for me to sleep, our life is turned upside down, nothing is normal any more. But getting sleep is very important. No matter what time of day. You don’t need the stress of dealing with this neighbor on top of everything else. Is she alone? Maybe she’s lonely, but you’re not up to being someone’s friend right now. This is way too resent of a loss, you need to take care of you.
    Good luck with that situation and hopefully you can get her to understand you just need some time.
    You’re very welcome,
    Robin
     
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  7. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Hello Linda, I’m glad you joined the site, I think you will find understanding and support here. If you find it helpful, it’s absolutely the right thing to do. I am terribly sorry for the loss of your husband, your loss is so recent and fresh. I lost my husband Michael on July 17 from a complication of his treatment for lung cancer. He was and is the love of my life. We were together for 18 years, but knew each other and were friends since we were kids. My loss was devastating - unexpected. He got sick in April and was gone in July. He was my best friend and protector like your George.
    I had a great neighbor who died several years ago of Lewey body dementia. He was a wonderful vibrant man and we saw him decline so fast from a terrible disease. I know this must have been difficult to see happen to your husband.
    I can remember in those first few weeks feeling shock, disbelief and confusion, almost living in a fog. Be kind to yourself and do things that make you feel ok. Even if all you do is eat, drink water, and rest, that’s ok - it takes a lot of energy to grieve. Talking about George with those that are willing to listen and understand is important in your grieving also. Be around people that build you up and support you. I am honest when I tell people how I’m doing. If I’m having a tough day, I say so. I sometimes think others want to hear that we’re doing ok when they ask, but some days I am so far away from that it would be silly to say so. It is hard, we often have to teach others how to help us and what we need when we are grieving. You will find that there will be a few special people that will understand and hang in there with you. Cherish them.
    Some days will be one minute, one hour at a time, but somehow you will get through them. Think about what George would want for you. I will have you in my prayers.
     
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  8. LindaAnn

    LindaAnn Member

    Hello Robin,
     
  9. LindaAnn

    LindaAnn Member

    Thank you Robin for the advice that you gave to me about my neighbor. I am not a rude person nor do I yell at people. I never want to hurt anyone's feelings and I go out of my way to put things in a nice way. With that being said, I did not have a nice tone in my voice and I did not spare her feelings.
    She called me at 1 pm and I did not answer the phone, then at 2 pm the phone rang again and as I looked at the caller ID I knew who it was and our conversation flashed through my head so I decided to handle this right here and now.
    I pick up and said hello, she did not bother to ask if it was a good time to call or what are you doing, she went straight to her needs. She said...do you have one of those rubber things those things you know that you sit on. I thought George may have one. I need it because my spine hurts.
    First I said no in a measured voice then my voice got louder and very serious. I told her Marie PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop calling me so much, we had this conversation not too long ago and here you are again. I am having a hard time working through my grief and I would appreciate it if you do not call me. You have to stop this now, just stop!
    As I was hanging up the phone I heard her say, I am sorry I bothered you. I did not respond, I just continued to hang up the phone. I hope this takes care of this problem.
    I may be moving. My uncle is moving to independent livings apt and he has a condo on the ocean. He is going to have me move in there and I will rent my condo out. I need a change of scenery.
    It is so good to converse with you. I appreciate the time you take to address my issues.
    Stay safe!
    Linda
     
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  10. LindaAnn

    LindaAnn Member

     
  11. LindaAnn

    LindaAnn Member

     
  12. LindaAnn

    LindaAnn Member

    Hello JMD,
    Thank you for emailing me. I am glad I joined this website. I have been talking to another lady that also gave me some great advice. I knew this would happen one day and especially since he was older than I. No one knows how bad it is until you go through it. I am tormented every day by the effects that Lewy Body had on my husband. He was seeing people that were not there. He would tell me he was the mayor of a city we used to live in and many other effects of this disease. This disease progresses fast, I could not believe I was talking to him one day, and the next he could not open his eyes or speak to me. He was in that coma-like state for 2 days and then passed away. I should be glad the Lord blessed him by not allowing him to linger and suffer. I miss him so much. My neighbors are asking me if I got rid of his things yet. No, I did not and can not right now.
    Some people are so cruel. I have a neighbor that lost her husband 17 years ago, and she has no compassion for me at all. Another member set me straight with that problem, and I think I took care of it today. I will no longer be speaking with that neighbor. I want to be alone and talk to people on this site and my close family caring about me.
    I appreciate you taking the time to write me a little note. I know there are kind people in the world; you have to know where to look.
    Stay Safe
    Linda
     
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  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m like you Linda, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings either, but there comes a time when we have to stand up to people, we need to put ourselves first. I have trouble asking for help. But sometimes we need help and sometimes we need to speak up. You did the right thing by letting her know, you need to come first. You tried to explain to her you’re having trouble trouble sleep, she didn’t honor your request, so you made sure she understood.
    A change of scenery, might be good for you, think it through for a while though. I know getting away from your neighbor has a positive feel to it. Just be sure before you make any big changes. I know we’re not supposed to do life changing things for a year after a loss.
    It is nice to converse, it feels good to talk with people who totally understand the pain that happens when you lose your spouse or loved one. It’s comforting and definitely helps to talk things out. I’m here to try to help and offer you any support I can
    ❤️ Robin
     
  14. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Agree, only those who know the loss truly understand the pain. It is like talking to someone in the same language. I am sorry for George’s suffering but feel grateful that he did not suffer for a long time. I have still not touched Michael’s belongings - his sneakers and lunchbox are still where he left them the last day he came home from work. His clothes are still in the closet and on the shelf as he left them. This is a story for another day, but he has some family members that are motivated by their own greed and want to get their hands on any valuable belongings that he had. He was smart and left clear instructions in his will, and they are not happy with me. I will honor his wishes always. And I will miss him every day as you miss George.
    As for your neighbor, you are doing the right thing. You cannot allow anyone to add to your hurt at this time. You will be strong about that, it becomes a matter of survival. I read on this site that the thing that changes most after you lose someone is your address book. I am amazed at how some of my closest friends and family have responded to me, and am grateful for those that have stuck by me. I am truly grateful to anyone who has reached out to help me through this. I would not be able to do it alone. I’ve just found support in unexpected places. This site has been a lifeline on some days. Prayers for you and George.
     
  15. LindaAnn

    LindaAnn Member

    Thank you JMD, Michael will be in my prayers as well. I hope you are doing well. We need to get past these holidays. It will be tough. I am starting to shake. I do not know if my nerves are shot or there is something wrong with me medically.
    Each day that passes, I am not feeling any better; I am actually feeling worse, I think.
    My family does not get along with each other and will not share holidays. We have always separated holidays—one day with this side and another day with that side. Now, I am in the same situation, and I am in no mood to play nursemaid to the adults that act so sophomoric. They both want me for Thanksgiving, and I can not be in both places. I do not even want to be in one place; I want to say home and sleep. They do not understand how it feels to lose a spouse, best friend, and soul mate.
    Have a Happy Thanksgiving, do your best.
    Linda
     
  16. LindaAnn

    LindaAnn Member

     
  17. LindaAnn

    LindaAnn Member

    Robin, I hope you can have a nice Thanksgiving. My thoughts and prayers are with all of us that are in such pain.
     
  18. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Linda,
    Thank you so much. It’s good to hear from you. I was starting to wonder if you were doing ok. None of us are ok. But your silence was concerning me.
    I can’t say for sure but I don’t think your shaking is a health issue. Most likely from your life turning upside down. Life doesn’t even resemble normal. the most important person in your life is missing. Sadly there’s no magic wand to help us. Many people on this site have had the shakes, this pandemic and the holidays and our losses all add up for a nightmare. Try some deep breathing exercises. The holidays bring so much more stress and anxiety. I wanted my family to join me like always but it will be just my daughter and I this year. And that might be a blessing. It’s sad that no one understands. As if this is rocket science or something. Our one and only was taken from us, how can we be ok. I do agree that going to multiple places is too much, I’m sorry for you trying to figure that out. I’m making dinner for the 2 of us. Ron is my inspiration, so I’m making his favorite dishes. I was feeling like, what is there to be thankful for. But I’m so thankful for the 44 Wonderful years we had together. Is it enough? NO! But I did have those special years and memories. He provided for me and our family and still is. And I’m thankful for my children. They keep me going. So tomorrow will be melancholy for us all but at least we those wonderful years full of memories.
    Thoughts and prayers go out to everyone. I'm also thankful for this site. It’s helped me so very much. People on here are better then people in my daily life and that’s a wonderful thing!
    ❤️ Robin
     
  19. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the post. Ugh the holidays this year - would be nice to go to sleep tonight and wake up in January. Michael added so much love and fun to our holidays. My brother and his family travel down from NY to NC every year to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with us. This year they wanted to meet in the Outer Banks where Michael’s house is, so that’s where we are tonight. Bittersweet. It is almost unbelievable that he is not here with us. We will cook together tomorrow, and try to do some things to honor him. Tell stories, see what comes up. Watch Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving like we did each year. I did a lot of crying this week too, felt like I was backsliding also but maybe just lots of holiday and family stress. Michael would always be here to make everything alright. As for the shaking, make sure you are eating enough. I find that I am hungry sometimes but I don’t have much of an appetite or interest in food yet. I am sure I have had a few low blood sugars. My family is spread out for the holidays also. I have two click-y sisters that manage to always sync up their schedules to be together. They seem oblivious to the hurt they cause. My brother and his wife are with my mother, and my other sister will be at home. Strange year. My absolute best to everyone here on the site for the Thanksgiving holiday, we can hold each other up. Let’s count George, Ron and Michael in our blessings tomorrow. Three great men, married to three incredibly strong women, even if we don’t want to be...prayers to you for peace and calm this thanksgiving. JMD.