My partner died, & 6 months later I found my only child dead.

I woke up Easter morning 3/31/2024, when the alarm went off. I walked into the living room, looking for my boyfriend, since I didn’t wake up with him next to me. I found him on the couch, unresponsive & blue.

He was a recovering addict for almost 2 years, & had been living with me for the past 7 months. The night before Easter, as we were going to bed, my boyfriend told me about an encounter he had earlier in the evening. He picked up a guy who he had used with in the past, & got him a hotel room, since the guy was homeless. I wasn’t pleased, but I didn’t think my boyfriend was in danger of relapsing. I was wrong, & my boyfriend died of a drug overdose while I was sleeping.

During this time, my only child was also living with me. He had moved back in with me 6 months prior to my partner passing. He was trying to save money for an apartment, so him & his girlfriend had a place of their own. It became clear that he now was also suffering from addiction issues, after my boyfriend had passed. My son loved my boyfriend very much, & felt closer to him than his own father at the time. Both my son’s girlfriend & I did everything we could to help him overcome these issues. Including inpatient treatment, ongoing counseling, & even at home drug testing. FYI Most at home drug tests don’t screen for fentanyl.

On October 14th 2024, I received multiple missed calls from my son’s girlfriend, while I was taking a nap. I called her back when I woke up, to see what was going on. She told me she couldn’t get ahold of my son, & she wanted to make sure he was up for work. I got up, noticed the bathroom door locked & no response from my son when I called his name. I picked the lock & found him blue, on the bathroom floor. His girlfriend called 911, while I performed CPR until paramedics came. He was pronounced deceased on scene, after life saving efforts were exhausted.

Now I find myself unable to function in everyday life. The flashbacks of their blue lifeless faces, sounds made while CPR’s being performed, intrude my mind. All are kept to myself, because it’s uncomfortable for others to hear. Going grocery shopping, passing all their favorite foods & the reminder I’m now cooking for only 1. Taking a shower, because a bathroom is where my son died. Sitting on a couch watching tv, because a couch is where I found my boyfriend. Talking to people who have kids, or a significant other. Everyday normal conversations, now hurt.

Let’s just be honest, no one wants to be around someone who’s going through, what I’m going through, especially if I’m expressing it. It’s extremely uncomfortable for them, & I can tell they’re waiting for me to shut up, or go away.

I was fired from a job I worked at for 5 years, over a text. I wasn’t even given a response, when I asked why! It was like they just wanted me gone & out of sight. The list of isolating events like this, grow every single day, & I see no end in sight. I don’t want to exist anymore, but I’m too afraid to commit suicide. I just want to fade away. The only genuine emotion I feel is grief & despair.

I try to hide who I am, either to protect myself from any further rejection, or to save the people who still care about me, from the pain of my reality. But as you can imagine, that’s not going well either.

The people who do try to say encouraging things, or give helpful advice, I can’t take seriously. I know they’re just trying to help, but it feels almost insulting, since they’re not in my shoes. Everywhere I look, I see other people’s hopes for a happy life, but not mine. Idk what to do with myself, or if I even want help. Obviously I went to the dr, & counseling. Meds give me bad reactions, & I don’t want to experiment with them anymore. Seeing a counselor for 1 hr every 2-3 weeks, isn’t enough, or even helpful.