My mom is gone

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Rolonda, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. Rolonda

    Rolonda New Member

    My mom passed away on February 2nd. I went to the hospital to see her. I walked in her room, touched her face and her hand ,told her that I love her and I would be okay, and she took her last breath. I was very close to my mom. I called her every night just to talk to her. Now I think about calling her and remember that she is gone. I devastate myself all over again. I can't believe she is gone. I can't accept that she is not here anymore. She is not just my mom. She is my best friend. I miss her so much it hurts !!
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Rolonda, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. For those who count a a parent as a best friend, it means with loss it can feel like a whole network of people are gone - our confidant, our cheerleader - the person we laughed with, and cried with - shared the big stuff with as well as the little stuff too. I find there isn't always the support there should be for the loss of a parent and it can make it even harder to cope. Support can help and I'm glad you've found us - we are here to help~
     
    Lissy likes this.
  3. calliope

    calliope New Member

    Rolanda, I also am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. My Mom was my greatest supporter and the person I was closest to, and she died suddenly on February 24th. All my siblings were there when they took her off life support. I know it does hurt a lot. Good for you for reaching out. She was so important to you and now she isn't there, such a big part of your life. Please take good care of yourself.
     
  4. Pamela Smiley

    Pamela Smiley New Member

    I too can relate, Rolanda.
    I lost my mom on February 13th of this year.
    She finally passed away after 9 months of medical setbacks following quadruple bypass surgery last month. My mom lived with my 14 year old daughter and I. She was my rock. My support system. My best friend. We told her good bye. She had been on a ventilator since 9/11. She's suffered a slow brain bleed. She wasn't ever going to be stable to operate. She was placed into hospice on February 13th @10am and passed at 12:29pm. Nothing has been the same since. I'm crying now while I type this.
     
  5. Pamela Smiley

    Pamela Smiley New Member

     
  6. KarenP

    KarenP Active Member

    I am crying with you. I know what you mean as the support system.
     
  7. KarenP

    KarenP Active Member

    I sat with my mom in hospice. I was holding her hand when she passed. My mom always said "you have to call me every day", bugged me but I did. Now I don't have that call to make. Now as I, am you, are hurting there is only mom that would understand.
     
  8. Lissy

    Lissy New Member

    I
    I am very sorry for the loss of your mom. My mom just died on Easter Sunday. I wasn't able to even get to her funeral yesterday. Please know that you aren't alone in hurting. My mom and I weren't close but I find that my heart is shattered anyway.
     
  9. KarenP

    KarenP Active Member

    I hear both of you loud and clear. I was involved in my mom's life, knew what she did everyday and every minute. But, we were two distinctly different women. My mom would get fully dressed every morning, makeup and jewelry. I don't even own mascara. My mom couldn't walk into a store, any store, without buying something. Stuff she did not need and, usually, didn't know what it did. I am more frugal. My mom was also an elementary school teacher and I'm 58 and she always asked me if I had to go to the bathroom. Many aspects of my life she could not relate to and I felt she was so lucky with her life that she couldn't see it......seemed she was always wanting what the "Jones'" had even though she had it 10x over. I had made a promise to my cousin after her mom died last June that I would work on repairing my relationship with my mom. We were just beginning to get there in December when she got sick in January and then was gone. What others saw in my mom, I sometimes didn't. The pressure she put on me to be like her, her life, caused many a rift. I feel awful about stuff that occurred between us. Can't fix it, can't change it. This is the first loss I have had with so many unresolved feelings. Confuses the grief. Am I grieving for mom? For me? For what could have, should have been? Want to talk to her but can't...….Lissy and Rolanda, I am sorry for both of your losses. I am somewhere in the middle of both of you......trying to find solace.
     
  10. Lissy

    Lissy New Member

    Karen:
    A lot of what you said about your mom makes me think of mine. Because I am not a carbon copy of my older sister (we are nothing alike), she chose not to like me as we all got older. My dad was the same way. Both of my parents are now gone and I wasn't talking to either one. I made multiple efforts to try and talk to my mom after I returned to Michigan in 2011, only to have her continually backstab me. If only she had accepted me as is, things would have been different.
     
  11. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Dear Rolonda,
    I am so sorry you lost your Mom.
    Though my Mom and Dad are still here, I lost my wife of 1yr.2 months and 16 days on March 16 of 2019 so I know just what you are going through.

    Yes Rolonda it is the worst kind of hurt, like an invisible hand swiped a huge chunk of your heart. The emptiness and loneliness. Maybe thinking " I could have done more".
    But Rolonda you have to remember you did for Mom the best you knew and she knows that. Yes she does.
    Nothing can ever take away the love you had/ and yes still have for your Mom. You will love your Mom for eternity and eternity is the time it takes for a seagull to carry a grain of sand from the Pacific shore to the Atlantic till there is no sand out west. That is a long time Rolonda.

    Don't try to get over it, nope you do not want to get over it but through it. You will never be the same as you were before your Mom/best friend passed away. You will look at the worlf in a different way. I have and as much as we hurt, we will get through it. It is by no means easy but we must press on and in the days to come, try to think of the great times you had in that very special Mom/Daughter relationship you had.
     
  12. KarenP

    KarenP Active Member

    I went to see my cousin yesterday who lost her mom in June of last year, the same time my mom went downhill. My mom always said we were going through the same issues but at different times. We talked a lot and what Ray said is true......remember the good, cannot change the past and must press on. I am starting to make small lists......if I accomplish all or part it is a good day. I never knew it was gonna hit me this hard.
     
  13. AmyLee27

    AmyLee27 New Member

    My mom passed away December 13th 2018. The way you describe yours is the same way I was with mine. I lived with my mom (Mimi) as my son calls her. She was the most amazing mother, but also my best friend. I’d call her the second I left the house on my way to work everyday. And call her the 15 minute drive home just to get there and talk more. She was the smartest, most kind empathetic beautiful person. Her loss was sudden over the course of about six weeks. I was with her at the hospital when hospice came and never left until she passed. Everyday is hard and I’m waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel but I’m not seeing it. My thoughts are with you. And knowing you’re feeling the same way as I am makes me so incredibly sad. No one should have to go through any of this. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy
     
  14. KarenP

    KarenP Active Member

    You will get through this.....we all do. It is just so personal as how we do it. I notice it in my personality......some days loving/helping and want to be there for others to make me feel better. Some days so bitter....don't even like to look in the mirror. But I think of my mom.....what she said to me (some days bugged me) but all of her words of care and wisdom helps me each day.
     
  15. LISA BOLT

    LISA BOLT New Member

    Hey Rolanda,
    My mum passed 1st January this year. also still very raw. although she was treated for bladder cancer in June of last year, she was declared cancer free after her check ups following her bladder removal and hysterectomy - 1 point to mum!!
    Throughout her recovery for the latter part of last year, she was sick on and off, not getting back to herself as quick as she and we would all have liked and then on the 18th December, the Dr told s she had sepsis and it was killing her. she had maybe 2 weeks left! To the day he was right!
    Despite it really going on from June, there were so many victories in the time that death was the furthest thing from our minds..,so i t feels like it all happened so quick.. i have no words of wisdom for you, i don't know how we deal with this, i can't see the way out to a happy future at the minute but know that i understand. i too falter at the small things.
    I used to call my mum on the way home from work every Friday (i have a long 5 hour drive home) - it was my ritual, now the journey seems so long and inevitably involves tears for a part of the journey.
    I try my best to talk about her all the time, laugh at things she would say if she were here and able to, cringe when i know she'd me busting my chops for something i did wrong.... our mums are our true sole-mates...always...count the smiles in between the sadness :)
     
  16. cg123

    cg123 Active Member

    Lisa - My story is similar to yours except it was my sister who passed away 2 mos ago. Five years she had a major stroke but recovered and then last year found out she had an aggressive breast cancer on (R) breast. Had chemo and mastectomy to remove (R) breast. Pathology report indicated no spread at all which was wonderful news. Was going to have radiation done as a precautionary measure but became very sick and was put in critical care unit with dx of pneumonia and sepsis. Ultimately, she lost her battle 2 mos ago not from the breast cancer but the sepsis which spread throughout her body. Never expected this ... was so happy that the breast cancer did not spread. My sister was truly my best friend .. It is so hard to imagine a future without her.