My husband shouldn't be dead and I don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Blueangel0414, Sep 12, 2020.

  1. Blueangel0414

    Blueangel0414 New Member

    I wasn't sure what thread to post my story under. I don't even know if writing here will help as I feel like I can't breathe and I don't want to be here anymore. On September 10th, just two days ago (two long days ago) my husband died a death nobody should have ever had to suffer through. Our marriage wasn't perfect but he was a great dad and husband and he loved hard. We were supposed to be moved to a temp rental this weekend while our home finishes being built by the end of October.

    He struggled with depression and anxiety sometimes and we argued like every couple but that night it went all wrong. You see I had a bad childhood and I have a lot of insecurities. We drank, me not much but he had drank a bit more. We started arguing over daisy dukes that he had looked up for his 11 year old daughter. I said he could have told her they were short shorts and had her look it up but he instead looked up many sites to show her. I got upset we argued I left the house and sat in a parking lot for a couple hours and came back. Harsh texts were sent between us while I was gone until he blocked me. When I got home I just wanted to go to bed. He didn't say a word to me. I yelled some words out of anger some of the last words I ever said to him. I got into bed and covered myself up he yanked the covers off me and we started fighting over the covers I said get your own I don't want to share with you tonight. I would give anything to take it back. Then he rolled on me on my side of the bed so I went to his side of the bed. He wouldn't let me lay down he would stop putting his hands on my legs. I said stop touching me. Long story short I got the cops when he wasn't being violent only bc I threatened to and he taunted me because he was over drunk. I canceled the call three minutes later devising I would sleep in my daughters room knowing we would be fine in the morning after he slept it off. I told him i canceled, he had me locked out of the bedroom when he was in there with his son. They wouldn't open the door to give me pillow or meds. Then the knock came. The cops I told him they would want to talk to him. The cops entered and said they would help get my pillow and meds and leave. They got in the bedroom he wasn't there. He had put himself in the skuttle in our closet, the hot skuttle, drunk and in his underwear. He had his gun in there though he never threatened anyone. He wouldn't come out. Over the span of six hours the police threw 6 cans of tear gas into the tiny space, they said from the start they would call swat and cut the wall to get him out they never did. At some point his gun went off. For hours me and my kids could hear him moaning and banging which I know now was a cry for help. He could t find his way out on his own. There is an investigation, it involves GBI and is going to internal affairs. I know if they had done things different my husband would be here. But I also know if I never made the stupid call for something so dumb he would be here so I feel like I killed him. I took him from me, our kids, his family. I have no answers. They say it will be weeks before investigation is done. I have to find a lawyer but lawyers don't want to tie on the police. I don't feel like loving but I have to find justice for him but I hate myself. The guilt is eating me alive. We were a blended family and started over and now our 14 month old son will never have a father. People keep telling me I have to take care of kids, I have to get moved I have to eat I have to do this that ....I don't want to wake up each day. I have nothing left.
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I am so very sorry, you had all that happen and ending with the loss of your husband. You had no idea that things would turn this way. It was an argument that got out of hand. Remember that it takes two, it wasn’t supposed to end this way. You tried to cancel the police call, you tried to walk away to help smooth things out. I understand your guilt, and I know there’s nothing anyone can say to help you manage the guilt you’re feeling, but realize, this was an accident, an argument that turned uglier then expected.
    People are trying to help you, but right now, you don’t need to do anything, you’re living a nightmare that feels never ending. Accept any and all help, especially with your 14 month old, love your children and hold them close. Get fresh air, it’s very helpful. Only eat when you feel like it, drink water and eat bland food when you want something. You have you’re wonderful children who love you!
    We’re all on this site because of a loss, our stories are all different but we help each other. I lost my husband suddenly to a heart attack, took him from me in 2 hours, worst day of my life. I stopped eating, still have trouble sleeping, dealt with a foggy brain. I’m eating now, my brain is working better, but the loneliness can be debilitating. I’ve dealt with guilt too. We all suffer with our own demons each for different reasons each in our own way, but we’re here for each other. Visit this site often and read and share stories.
    You’re in my prayers.
     
    LouiseP57 likes this.
  3. Bevstuart

    Bevstuart Member

    I am so sorry for your loss, that is such a horrible ordeal. Please be kind to yourself. You did everything you could trying to cancel the police call. just to echo what RLC said above, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, just take care of yourself and your kids the best way you can. Yes, the loneliness is awful - I lost my husband 4 months ago. I am new to this site but it looks like people here are very kind, so please reach out.
     
    LouiseP57 likes this.
  4. Kata

    Kata Active Member


    I couldn’t imagine how traumatic and unusual your story is, and then I mentioned it to my best friend and she’s heard of two women that experienced their husbands shooting themselves after an argument. I’m trying to get their contact info so they can read your story. Not sure if I’ll get a reply, but you are not alone. I know what it’s like to stop eating and sleeping and not wanting to live. I know you think you have nothing, but you know that’s not true.. you have your children. And when you’ve hit rock bottom, getting out of bed and taking care of the kids is a triumph. The really tough part is taking care of yourself, Hard to do when you think you’re so worthless that you don’t deserve to be alive. Listen to us bystanders. At some point I thought I didn’t deserve to live. That doesn’t make sense to me now and when I see someone going down that road I want to shout YOU DESERVE TO LIVE.
     
  5. Blueangel0414

    Blueangel0414 New Member

    I don't want to live. Literally the only things keeping me breathing are justice for him and my kids. I am a suck mom right now. Spend the day in bed. I am afraid to live I want to be dead. The guilt and regret wear me up. I don't know what to do.
     
    Kata likes this.
  6. Blueangel0414

    Blueangel0414 New Member

    Thank you for your words. Tomorrow is the visitation. I can barely breathe. I am afraid to live because it hurts so much to live. I am lost
     
    Kata likes this.
  7. Blueangel0414

    Blueangel0414 New Member

    How did you start feeling like you deserved to live again?
     
    Kata likes this.
  8. Kata

    Kata Active Member

    It wasn’t easy. I just tried everything I could think of. Seeing a psychiatrist weekly and taking meds she prescribed was a critical part of recovery. Forcing myself to go out to brunch and a walk with a good friend was a start. Brunch at my favorite place was something I used to love to do. It took me a long time to actually enjoy doing it again. For a long time it was just going through the motions. I didn’t do anything else but force myself to do this one good thing for myself weekly until I started liking it. I also thought a lot. I tried to think of positive things, things I was grateful for. I framed a card my sister sent me. It was a girl hanging on a rope and she looked like me. It said « when you get to the end of your rope tie a knot in it and hang on ». It was something I could relate to so it helped to say it when a suicidal thought would come. I kept saying « hang on » to myself a lot. Maybe for you it’s your children. I don’t have any kids, but I have a little sister who would be devastated if I died. For a while that was the only reason I hung on. The key for me was thinking about my husband in a new light. I didn’t appreciate him very much before he got the cancer news, but tried not to think about that and concentrate on the good times. He didn’t deserve to die. Him, you, me, we all deserve to live. I started to think about how much he wanted to live. I started thinking of my living as a tribute to him. Life can be suddenly cruel and take you young. I’m appreciating life for him and for me. My situation is different than yours in that my husband had a year before he died. He cried every day. How could I discard my life when everyday he was saying life is precious and I’m so sad about leaving it. For you it will probably be something else, a support group, an understanding friend, work..There are a lot more things I tried in between my worst and finding the key to escape the depression. You may have to fight for your life for a while. You’ll be fighting yourself, and that’s really tough when you think there is no reason to live. Eventually you’ll find your way out. For now just hang on ..and fight those worthless feelings. They are lies, a trick your mind is playing on you. Expressing yourself on this site can count as one of those good things. If you are liking this then try forcing yourself to do the next good thing.
     
  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Don’t push yourself, one moment at a time. Anything more then that is too much. Take baby steps. I found that getting fresh air to be very helpful. Breath in some fresh air, get your blood flowing.
    Your loss is so very very recent, this takes time. Give yourself the time you need. Hold your kids close and love them. They can be your reason to get up every day. They love you and need you. We all grieve in our way and time, and you’re just starting this bumpy road. I don’t even remember the first days after Ron passed or even month. I went into a state of shock. Give yourself time.
    Accept any help offered. And continue to visit this site often. Reading and sharing on here is so helpful.
    Praying for you and your family. ❤️
     
    Kata likes this.
  10. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I no you feel lonely and empty right now. There is probably nothing noone can say to make that pain go away. Every situation is different but grief can definitely hold us all back. There are some days that I wonder y I'm still here. I miss him everyday but my kids are my motivation. I move for them . I no without them I'd probably not do much. Take deep breaths and do what you can. It just happened so take it easy. I pray you have strength to get through this.
     
    Kata likes this.