I'm not sure what I should say or even what I want to say. I lost my father suddenly after a massive heart attack. He'd just had a stress test in June and was given an all clear. In March he had a heart attack so strong that itvripped his pericardium. His heart literally exploded in his chest. They didn't even bother taking him to the ER. He went straight to the medical examiner. My father was a complicated man and though I loved him I struggled over the years with liking him. He'd turnedca corner on the months before he passed. He was sober and taking care of himself. He was returning to our tribal traditions and to The Creator. For the first time I saw him start to realize all the potentisl he had. We were closer than we'd ever been. He was able to tell me he loved me, something he'd not really been able to do before. He called me Sweetheart all the time and we never ended a conversation without saying I love you. And then he was gone. Just gone. I hold my phone in my hands a lot, waiting for a text I know logically will never come. I'd give anything to hear him say "I love you, Sweetheart" just one more time. I know grief is a process and that eventually I will be happy when I think of him instead of incredibly broken. I just wosh that time would come soon. I want to remember him how he was, not as this hole in my heart and in my life. Please don't tell me it gets better. I know it does. It's just right now, in this moment, I cannot see his bright shining light at the end of this tunnel. Thank you for reading. I'm not sure I did this right but I feel like I can breathe a little bit again just having written it.