My dad

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by FrancesH, Dec 19, 2018.

  1. FrancesH

    FrancesH New Member

    I'm not sure what I should say or even what I want to say. I lost my father suddenly after a massive heart attack. He'd just had a stress test in June and was given an all clear. In March he had a heart attack so strong that itvripped his pericardium. His heart literally exploded in his chest. They didn't even bother taking him to the ER. He went straight to the medical examiner.

    My father was a complicated man and though I loved him I struggled over the years with liking him. He'd turnedca corner on the months before he passed. He was sober and taking care of himself. He was returning to our tribal traditions and to The Creator. For the first time I saw him start to realize all the potentisl he had. We were closer than we'd ever been. He was able to tell me he loved me, something he'd not really been able to do before. He called me Sweetheart all the time and we never ended a conversation without saying I love you.

    And then he was gone. Just gone.

    I hold my phone in my hands a lot, waiting for a text I know logically will never come. I'd give anything to hear him say "I love you, Sweetheart" just one more time.

    I know grief is a process and that eventually I will be happy when I think of him instead of incredibly broken. I just wosh that time would come soon. I want to remember him how he was, not as this hole in my heart and in my life.

    Please don't tell me it gets better. I know it does. It's just right now, in this moment, I cannot see his bright shining light at the end of this tunnel.

    Thank you for reading. I'm not sure I did this right but I feel like I can breathe a little bit again just having written it.
     
  2. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your father. I lost my mother suddenly in May. You already know the grief process. Unfortunately, we can’t just fast-forward to the end when we’re better. I am better than I was, but I will never be the same. I guess the best we can hope for is to adapt.
     
  3. FrancesH

    FrancesH New Member

    I'm truly sorry about your mom. It's odd how many of us are going through this at thr same time but it feels so lonely. I hope you're finding your way through.
     
  4. zane

    zane Member

    Pretty new on here, woke up this morning and thought id would post... Ilost my dad to ALS in august 2018, about 5 months ago, its been the most confusing time in my life. Im 22 still in school trying to make sense of all this, he was the one that guided me and i feel so lost some days i cant get out of bed. Theres so many ups and downs its really hard to manage. Im trying to open to everyone around me but some people just dont get it at all. Lately ive been struggling with anxiety and not feeling grounded in anything i do, its really frustrating. It just feels nice people can relate.
     
  5. FrancesH

    FrancesH New Member

    Hello Zane. I'm very sorry to hear about your father. It really is like a hole in your heart that doesn't heal when you lose the man who raised you. And people who've never been through it don't understand, but they really do try to be there. I wish I had better words for ypu but I can tell you that I'm personally finally starting to heal. It's taken me a very long time but I can tell you it does happen. It happens when you least expect it. One day it will be easiercto get out of bed, to be around people, to feel in control again. I'm hoping that time comes for you soon but please always know that I understand where your head and heart are at and I'll be thinking of you.