My brother killed my mother, my world

Hello, my mother was killed by brother towards the end of November. I have so many different feelings that I feel like I am going insane. My mother was my everything she was the most loving and happy person you could ever meet. Without knowing you she would give you a huge hug and a kiss in the cheeks . Of course pre-covid.

I wouldnt ever imagine that my own brother could have done this. The last time i spoke to my mom she seemed reluctant to go home that day. Which I didn’t blame her for about three moms months my brother was staying at my moms house and they weren’t getting along my brother came with his newborn baby boy and the babies mother and stayed until he can get a job and support for his family. Shortly after my brother‘s girlfriend was feeling suffocated and decided to go back to her mothers house in another state for a couple of days long story short my brother stayed with his son for approximately three months until she came with authorities and took the baby. Saying that my brother was devastated was an understatement his moods became erratic the things he was saying he was saying just didn’t really make any sense during the time that he had the baby he was very overprotective He never really liked anyone holding the baby for longer than five minutes he seem to have something towards my mother. Let me interject by saying that my brother has been hospitalized for psychotic episodes he has not been formally diagnosed but if I had to think of anything it would be schizophrenia. The symptoms that he experienced on his past hospitalization included auditory and visual hallucinations.

To continue after the baby left he was very secluded sad I am different emotions all at once one day I spoke to my mom telling her to come to my home to spend time with me and the kids she was acting a little weird that day but I didn’t think too much of it and stood late at night I sent her a message explaining that I was going to drop off one of my kids at her home she immediately saw the message and called me she explained to me that she has the devil in her house I asked her what does she mean she said your brother for the first time was walking naked in the house and telling me that he was the devil and to kneal.

As the religious person that she is she threw holy water and told him she wasn’t scared of him later on she found out that he burned and broke all of her religious Items she was stuck in her room the whole day on ThanksgivingAs the next day came by and dropped off my daughter and told my mother goodbye and hugged her for the last time I went to work until later in the afternoon she called me and told me she wasn’t at her home she didn’t want to be near him I told her to stay out as much as she can and that she’s welcome to come to my home .according to the timeline,

My brother was waiting for her apxsiated her with a black bag choked her using cables and stabbed her neck.

This image is what I see constantly. I miss my mom so much, I cant talk to her see her or hug her anymore. I am so lost without her. Im in therapy , on antidepressant meds and i feel so empty.

I dont want to keep feeling like this, my heart hurts so much. I just want to hold her and apologize for not trying hard enough, she was alone , no one there that loved her. She died all alone, that breaks my heart. I dont know what to do. I have tried finding grief groups with no success but i came accross this forum to see if I can get any guidance/support. I am sorry for the graphic details and the long message.

Thank you

 

my heart goes out to you with love,if i could suggest a book for you,i dont want to presume your religion,i dont have one but my daughter gave me a book by Lorna Byrne"stairway to heaven'i found it very comforting,you sound like a beautiful,caring person,your mother was blessed to have you,she did not die alone,her Angel was holding her,please forgive yourself for not being there,be kind and take the time you need,you will know what feels right for you,as you move through your grief,keep your heart strong,you can do this,love and light.xxx

 

Thank you so much for your kind words . Im trying to take things day by day. I will consider reading the book you suggested. I like to feel that i do have my mom as my guardian angel. So thank you for that

 

I am so sorry for what you have gone through. This will be a difficult journey for you, but you are not alone. Do not be too hard on yourself - you are not responsible for what happened to her. It will probably take you a very long time to start believing that and we all go through it. I am sure she is safe now, and believe that you will see her again. I will pray for you and your family to find peace. Keep reaching out.

 

May the peace of God comfort you and surround you. I understand you feelings of guilt. I think we all have some when we lose someone we love so much. Your mother has finally found some peace. We care about you. Keep reaching out to us and sharing your feelings. We are here to listen and support you. Hugs to you