Lost wife of 28 years... very short battle with lung cancer

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Not So Jolly Roger, Jan 15, 2019.

  1. Not So Jolly Roger

    Not So Jolly Roger New Member

    On November 14th, 2018, I lost my wonderful wife to lung cancer, in less than 4 months from diagnosis to death. It's hard to believe that she's gone and left a huge hole. We have a 20-year old daughter, who still lives at home, but is busy with work and school, so is not around very much. Hard to get going in a house full of memories of her and very quiet.
    She has so much stuff around the house from her crafts and decorating for the seasons and holidays, it's very difficult to get through it all.
    Some days, I really can't face doing anything, others, I do stuff and then wonder if I really accomplished anything.
  2. dcade

    dcade New Member

    Hello Roger, I lost my husband of 40 years november 27, 2018, he was 62. 3 months from diagnosis to his death! I feel your pain, my husband was a awesome person, the loss is is killing me, my life as I've known it is over, I feel frozen, dont know where to start. We retired to FL about 3 years ago, however Bill did not get to enjoy much, first year he worked on getting house the way we wanted it, second year he started feeling bad, had went to urologist for enlarged prostate condition we were aware of when we first moved here, dr. ordered cat scan, seen a couple of spots on liver, said they look like hepatatic lesions, we will watch, next year comes they have grown a little, no concern dr. says, we'll keep an eye on them, 3rd year, 3rd scan, oh shit its everywhere, after biospy determined to be cancer, orginating from bile duct, a "rare" form of cancer, fast spreading, too late for treatment. (went to other drs. emergency room over this 3 year period, he steadily lost a lot of weight, general felt bad all over, not one dr. did a cancer blood test or even considered cancer, we found out from colon scope dr "somebody dropped the ball" his words) Long story short, dont trust doctors get second opion any time there is a chance it might be cancerous, it can cost you your life!I hope that you can find some peace and find a starting point. It is difficult at best.... Baby steps...
  3. ksteve

    ksteve Member

    Hey Roger, we are fairly close in the passing of our wives - mine passed on November 12th. I actually try not to lean on my kids too much since they are both married with children and they are dealing with the loss of their mom. They do call daily just to check in which I appreciate. I already explained my wife's passing in other posts so I won't repeat it here. But I do want to acknowledge that it is difficult to get back to something even remotely close to "normal". I really didn't have a plan to sort through her "stuff" (lack of a better word). Seems I'll open up a closet or cupboard and bang, there are the memories staring me in the face. She was also into crafty items and holiday decor. I've got enough seasonal decor to decorate 10 houses. I've managed to toss any personal items that could not be donated or no one wanted. I still have a closet full of clothes and jewelry (man she loved jewelry) that my daughter needs to sort through. I also have her mother's items we she acquired and because of her illness, never had a chance to sort out. My concern is that all of her decorations and nick nacky stuff made this a "home" and I'm making it just a house with no memories. Since I'm looking at moving (we had already agreed we were moving to another house), I'm trying to set aside items that both of us liked. I don't want to lose the memories of our "home". I never really gave it much thought until now, but changing some house decor based on the season really put a nice touch on our "home". I'd shake my head but I definitely get it now. Don't push yourself to "clean out" the house. We need to sort out the memories first and decide which ones we keep close to our heart. Once we get through that, I think the rest will fall into place. Hang in there my friend and don't rush it.
  4. Not So Jolly Roger

    Not So Jolly Roger New Member

    ksteve: You hit the nail on the head! Her decorations and crafts made this house a home, and it's hard not seeing her change things around: there are still Halloween stuff up, as she was too sick to change them over to Christmas. My daughter and I are trying to decide what to keep as memories of her and going to let her nieces look, too. As far as rushing it: yes, it would be very easy to do so, especially in the relationship department.
  5. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Active Member

    I am really sorry for your loss. My husband passed on 1/28/18, it's been a rough year.
    Not So Jolly Roger likes this.
  6. Not So Jolly Roger

    Not So Jolly Roger New Member

    Today was pretty rough. I've had three tests in the past week: the first, last week, was to check on my kidney to make sure the cancer I had removed two years ago, hadn't returned. The second was a biopsy for a spot on my left lung that showed up on my CT scan on my kidneys. The third was a PET scan of my lungs and abdomen. Yesterday, the oncologists office called to reschedule my appointment from Monday to today. I immediately jumped to the conclusion, that the only reason to move it forward, was that they found something wrong, so I didn't sleep well and was tense all morning. Well, it turned out OK, as they didn't find anything wrong, and the spot on my lung was probably just an infection that is already getting smaller. However, I still have a small spot on my right kidney, where they had removed the spot before, and I still need to address that. Also, with my daughter not at home all day, it's been too quite around here. Really need someone around to tal with besides the dogs and cats.
  7. Haydee

    Haydee New Member

    My husband of 29 years had a medical episode while at a conference. We had just spent the most perfect month ever planning my retirement and our future time off together.
    When he came to he decided he did not want to be American nor have an American wife nor deal with our kids problems. He never came home. Went to Germany looked up an old girlfriend 15 years younger and has sex 8 times a day. I needed to know this and see a picture of her naked after sex so I could get it that I made him feel old and he’s not coming back. Doesn't want anything to do with us. I am devastated. Everything in our home has a beautiful memory. Loss AND the pain of betrayal.
    All I can think to do is have an estate sale and cry. Our kids are in shock. They had only known us happy. I am so sorry for all our losses. No one wants to talk to me. No one.
  8. Not So Jolly Roger

    Not So Jolly Roger New Member

    I had my first wife leave me and take our kids to England, just after we had celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary, as she was fed up with the American way of life. She later asked me to join them in England where I could repair appliances (I am an aircraft maintenance technician). It's definitely not the same as your situation, but I can see your pain.
    It was really mean of him to rub his "good fortune", for lack of a better term, for him, literally, in your face. That was very spiteful. I am so sorry for your, and your children's, loss.
    How many children do you have? I had three with my ex, two were adopted, and they were only 8, 6 and 2, at the time.
    If you need someone to talk to: I am available. With my wife gone, and my daughter busy, I am pretty lonely when I'm at home. I also work during the night, and I usually have time during the night to answer messages.