On February 22, 2020 my life ended. My husband of 33 years passed away suddenly. He had health problems but he always came home from the hospital. From the time he went into the ER until his death it was 2 weeks. I knew him for 38 years. He was disabled ( bad back and heart) and I worked. He was my life. We didn’t have children. He did everything for me. He was my life, my love, my rock, my best friend, my everything. I lost my life and my future. He was 55 years old. We were supposed to grow old together. How do I live without him? The sorrow and emptiness is unbearable. I died that day too. I can’t look at a picture of him without breaking down. The nights and the weekends a re unbearable. With the social distancing I only go see my mother in law. It is so lonely without him. I don’t know if I can go on without him. I can’t see a future without him. What future? it has been two months and people stopped calling. They think I should be feeling better. I was laid off like so many others coupled with his death, I have no words.
Mimi, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It is most certainly unbearable, to lose our life partners. The one we planned out our futures with, the one who has our back who loves us no matter what. Then all the sudden your life is upside down, the plans are gone, now what. Everyone goes on with their life, the support disappears way too quickly. And this social distancing certainly doesn’t help. I lost my husband over a years ago, he had no health issues that we knew about. But he suffered a massive heart attack, from start to losing my soul mate was 2 hours! With no previous warning. Doctors told me even if he had seen a cardiologist the day before they wouldn’t have seen any signs. I hate my life now, I have no schedule or routine, no reason to get out of bed in the morning, except I do have my dog to feed and get out. We ran our business together, which I’ve sense closed. I emptied and closed our business during the 10 days as a family we were supposed to be on vacation. For the most part I could have written what you wrote, everything rings true. I will say that I can think clearer then the first months, and I do eat, and if we were allowed i could drive and go out to do errands. But I’m not comfortable in store we always went in and I get uncomfortable if I’m out too long. I have made progress but do I still cry everyday, yes, and I still lonely and scared, yes. Especially now during this health issue. I wish so bad that Ron was here with me, helping me stay positive and getting through this nightmare. Sadly I believe I’ve taken steps backwards because of this. So I imagine it has to be affecting you terribly. Along with being laid off, I’m so sorry. Is there no end to what we have to endure? I’m glad you have your mother-in-law to visit, I’m sure that’s helpful. I will tell you that I didn’t find the site till 11 months after Rons passing, it has been of greT help, wish I found it sooner. I believe this site will be of help to you too. Everyone here understands the pain and lonliness you’re feeling. We’re all feeing it too. You’ll receive support and compassion. Reading and sharing our stories is very helpful, so try to keep posting and visiting the site. Take care of you, Robin
I am saddened to read about your loss.You are so right I felt the same way when my wife passed on Feb.2nd that I died that day also.As you now know along with all who are here there is nothing harder in this life than this loss.My wife was 59 was cancer free for 13 months but the crap came back and took this precious woman from me,our 2 kids and the best mamaw from 6 grandchildren .All the emotions that you are feeling I never knew I had so many tears,but they are normal,acknowledge them simply voicing them out loud has value.Emotions I know you feel them it's from your mind and heart I believe it's part of grieving and we all grieve different .When we do we honor our spouse it's an expression to how much we truly loved them.It's a shame if people have already stopped talking to you or are telling you that you should be feeling better,they have no clue what this is.All I know every day is a battle and a long battle it will be,it will be one day at a time.psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Be good to yourself
Mimi, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. This isolation has taken away so much support and I think what bothers me the most about the survivors is the helplessness they speak of. Just providing contact information to psychiatrists, counselors, and priests can help so much. The one thing I loved about the military was the total body concept. After an incident, you are directed to counseling. So not only does the actual damage taken get treated but your mind is treated as well. Mimi, keep in contact with those you can still like his mother. These times are impacting not just our livelihood, but our mental health as well. The more you can reach out to others, even if only by phone or the internet can help a lot. Mimi, you have to find some coping mechanisms for you, like cards, cooking, fresh air if possible, sewing, sitting outside, knitting, music, reading and so many other things that only require one person. Of course you are lonely, days, nights especially. The busier you are during the day, the easier it becomes to sleep at night. No one can truly know how to move through the future. Of course it is such a large mystery with no easy answers. There is no time limit to grief, each of us take however long it requires of us. But you also have to make sure to not neglect your well-being because you are sad and lonely and feel like not caring anymore. Please don't give up on life and realize it is natural to feel sad, it is normal to cry and unending amount of tears, and it is so normal to hate your new life and be angry for even the slightest of reasons. This unknown future you now face is of course maddening. Having no work and being alone is awful. How about at least talking with us. It doesn't matter how long your posts are for all of us to realize you are speaking from your profound sadness of losing your mate in life. We will listen, we will answer. I too am missing my wife 42 years from cancer. I face each day never the same, I just move from whatever motivates me. Music is one great part of me, so as I write I always have music playing. Tv to me is a great distraction, not the sad news, they have become too depressing, like there is a contest on who can sound the worst, so I never listen to them at all. But tv does have my favorite series, trouble is some days I will bounce from one show to the next without ever finishing them, it is just the mood changes being alone forces me to do. I do call my two sisters and step-brother each day and finish the call with 'I love you'. All four of us have learned to only speak of funny stuff, good stuff, nothing that will make us argue with one another, we don't need that anymore -ever. There are times my two sons will eat in the same room while we watch something together. In short, no day is ever alike anymore, I don't need a stupid routine, I make my day what I decide it is going to be, mine and mine alone. Sure nights were so damn lonely at first. It didn't matter if the lights were out. Nadine would come rushing back into my head. So I started turning on a fan for noise at night. For some strange reason, I started watching so many videos - some of the pet rescues, animals helping animals and humans, people saving others, it was as if by watching them it helped me feel better inside, sure I cried, I cried a lot and I still do at times. Then I came across wedding proposal videos, some in languages I did not speak, but even so their movements and actions were clearly understood. They made me happy thinking of my wedding. My best friend married us, I had to give him a beer to calm him down before he could do it. So on and on it went day after day, week after week I kept myself occupied with only happy videos. I too wasn't ready for the photos yet. But then after months of doing this I went to grab a movie to watch, opened the cabinet, and noticed all the photo albums. Then all of a sudden I grabbed one, went back to my seat, and just sat down, my heart in my throat, and opened it. It didn't take time for the tears to flow freely. I can tell each of you I have cried like there is no tomorrow. So as time passed I had eventually opened all our photo albums, slides, and videos recorded of our family. I felt so much better inside. Sure the walls still echo from my voice, there are no answers back, but at least I have found a way to exist again. I won't live necessarily for others, I will live for myself. Lastly, Mimi I would like to share my wife's video. Please press the button under my wife's picture titled Play Tribute Movie https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/auburn-me/nadine-hughes-6409908 Take care of yourself. Be careful to watch out for despair. I hope you can find a happy peaceful way forward. Keep reaching out to us. -david Here is a song for you
