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Lost my wife to cancer.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by JohnFS, Jun 8, 2019.

  1. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Man I never knew that something could really hurt this bad, I’ve seen it in other people and my heart went out to them but I really wasn’t even close to understanding what they were going through. I’ve loss my parents when I was really too young to know them very good and siblings as I got older and they were a great loss to me but losing half my soul is really almost more than I can carry. I hear that God never gives us more than we can handle, I’m afraid someone must have read that wrong because I’m calling on God for help several times a day and I honestly feel Gods strength and peace in my life through prayer and it really helps, but some days are just too hard! I’m broken-hearted and feel just plain broken; sometimes the pain I feel is too much for me to bare and through my pain I often wonder how great the pain was that God must have felt when he let his son die for us. Is this why some days he lets so much pain get through? Is it to remind me of his pain and sacrifice that he endured so that I will call on him during my pain and sorrow?
     
  2. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    Hey John, sounds like you've had a bad day. I know the first whole year after I lost my wife just seemed like a blur. I don't to this day remember much about it. Then the pain came. I mean real physical pain that came with realizing what I have lost, the love of my life. I still have bad days, really bad. But I don't want to have bad days for the rest of my life. I want happiness and don't want to feel guilty for being happy again. Not the happiness I felt when I was with my wife, just happy again. Keep that Bible in your hand John, it really does help. I have a sign hanging on the wall in my living room that reads "a Bible that is falling apart is usually in the hands of someone who isn't". Hang in there my friend, better days are ahead..... Matthew 5:4
     
  3. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Yes my friend it was a very bad day; coming off the weekends usually are. The weekends were ours together; this is when I miss her the most. I miss her every minute of every day but the weekends were always special for us. This is why I have been jumping into weekend projects that I’ve been wanting to do around the house so I could keep my mind busy and have been doing some what of a decent job of it. I would often take breaks to let the sorrow take its course when needed but it would usually last a little while with tears and prayer and I would get back to work. I guess some events from the last part of last week triggered this past weekend. Last Thursday I decided on a whim to do something fun for myself so I went to see a renowned illusionist that was in town and was actually having fun until I run into my wife’s brother in the men’s room that was like a brother to me but basically disowned me as family early on in Houston when my wife was in palliative care because he disagreed with some of my decisions, so he left and went home saying he needed to go back to work. So it was pretty much a cold meeting we shook hands and said hello then went our separate ways. I still love the guy and hold no ill will towards him at all and wish him the best, I guess he is dealing with the loss in his own way. It was still a bummer because he and I were pretty tight fishing buddies, basically lost my wife and a brother. Friday I took the afternoon off which was already planned because some legal stuff had to get taken care of, mostly removing my wife’s name from car titles and home deed, you know it felt like erasing her which is something I’m having a hard time with. I worked at the office until noon on Saturday then went to the hardware store to get supplies for what I was going to work on Sunday, but when Sunday came I slept in, didn’t go to church and pretty much wave after wave hit and lasted into Monday. One step forward a three steps back. Thanks for your reply, I am happy to have you as a friend in this mess of a life. I like your sign you have hanging on your wall; my bible was my mother in law’s so it’s been well read and a bit tattered but it feels just right in my hands, she was a strong woman and the only person I ever called mom. Tomorrow will be better! I want to be happy again too.
     
  4. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't worry so much about taking your wife's name off of your things. My wife's name is still on our checking account and the deed to my house and it's coming up on 2 years. Do it when you are ready. I'm still cleaning out her dresser drawers. I start one and go until I get overwhelmed and I stop. I pick it up later when I feel stronger. All in due time. Sorry to hear about your brother in law. It's always sad to have that tension in a family. Maybe one day you guys can go fishing again once he realizes how much you loved her and every decision was in her best interest. The pain is probably still very real for him too. Give it time and prayer and keep hope that he will come around. I'll keep you both in my prayers. Grief just sucks.
     
  5. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Yes grief sucks! Thanks for your prayers. You have a great day tomorrow.
     
  6. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Hey Dave nice to see ya! I assume that she’s your beautiful bride? You two make a great pair. You both look very happy in that photo. Thanks for sharing those great smiles. Sorry I’ve been off for a while. Just kind of got lost in life, well more lost than usual. Finding my way back the best I can. I guess I don’t need to explain I think you understand better than I could explain it. I’m hanging in there. How have you been doing my friend?
     
  7. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    She is my beautiful bride. No matter what the cancer did to her physical appearance, her beauty went much deeper than the surface. That picture I took when we went to see the Great Smoky Mountains in Tennessee we had an awesome time. Many great memories. Glad you are back. I really enjoy talking with you. It really helps talking with someone who can understand what it's like to loose someone you love so deeply. It just eases the pain. I know just what you mean by getting "lost" in life. I think I lost a whole year or so following the loss of my wife. My son and daughter both just celebrated a birthday within two weeks of each other. I had to literally count the years on my fingers to remember how old they were. I kept saying to myself that he couldn't be 34. What happened to 32 and 33???. I just wonder if normal will ever return to my life. Maybe if I had someone to share it with it would be different. Right now I just seem to exist. We will keep plugging on though. God does have a plan for me. I believe that. Have in there my friend, we'll get through this thing called life.
     
  8. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

     
  9. tony13

    tony13 Member

    I lost Beth on this past Memorial Day Sunday.
    She had been fighting Breast Cancer since 2013. This last November started the slippery slope and then she was gone.
    That's about all I can say.
     
  10. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    Tony, I know the pain is very raw right now. It's hard to do anything. Think, eat, sleep, or just go on with your life. My wife died in November of 2017. For a year and a half, I was lost. I don't remember much of that time. Everyone is different when processing grief. I found that it really helped me by talking with others who know what I've gone through. This site certainly has helped as we are all in some stage of grief here. We are here for you to talk whenever you feel ready. God bless you my friend.
     
  11. tony13

    tony13 Member

    Thank you.
    Hope I can help others too.
     
  12. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    John, I am so sorry for your loss. Cancer is an awful thing. We feel so helpless, unable to help those we are losing, it takes a toll on those left behind. Tears will be shed, hearts will be broken, and an emptiness will develop.

    Words can't convey our impending loss. We all do the best to find comfort in many things - friends, relatives, events, music. I have a painting of my wife on the wall that brings out many thoughts as I see it each day. No one person will understand your loss better than you. All each of us can do is offer words of encouragement and share our loss with you.

    When my wife Nadine passed, the house was filled with all her memories - clothes, pictures, jewelry and other items she used over time. It was an extremely hard thing to give away Nadine's clothes and other belongings, with us keeping some keepsakes.

    As her cancer started to evolve we had two beds in our room. She was on one, I the other beside her. I could talk to her, comfort her at night and realize that someday this would all be over. When she eventually passed on, even though we had time with her during her decline, our selfish wishes were that we would have more time with her. Near the end, I prayed to God and asked him to stop her suffering. The day of her passing is moment I will take to my own grave.

    I hope for your well being. Please take care of yourself. God Bless.
     
  13. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind words David and sharing some of your story too. I haven’t been on here as much lately, working on projects around the house and helping others with their projects; just trying to keep my mind and body busy. It’s wearing me out though. I’m not as young as I use to be. There are a few things in your story that ring true with me also. So many of us here have very different stories but there is so much in each that is very similar that only we can notice and understand. This is a club I would rather not be apart of but none of us had a choice, but finding this site has been a Godsend for me. The people have been so helpful in the very hard times and always ready with encouraging words because only we understand what it’s like. I also have a portrait of my wife in my dressing room which is actually a spare bedroom but it was the only closet she let me have. lol. The portrait is of the picture I use for this site. It also got to a point with me to overcome being selfish in my prayers and knowing there was nothing I could do to change the outcome and with a broken heart and broken soul I prayed the hardest prayer I have ever prayed; a prayer for Jesus to take her. I will always remember her precious beautiful face and the look in her beautiful eyes the day when Jesus came and took her to heaven. I will also take to it my grave, the day I will see her beautiful smile again. Thank you David. I have another friend on here named Dave33085 that is a good guy also. I will take care of my self with the help of Jesus. You do the same.
     
  14. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind words John. Glad to see you back. I feel your pain about not big as young as we used to. Sometimes I just stay as busy as I can to exhaust myself so it's easier to fall asleep at night. But when I look back at what I've accomplished, it seems like I got a lot more done in a day when I was younger. God bless you all.
     
  15. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    The one thing that helps me is talking to my sister. She is taking care of another right now and so I call her each day to keep her spirits up, and mine as well. I try to share with her the videos I view about so many good things that happen in the world all around us.

    There is a lot of hurt among us all and there is no better way to feeling better that reaching out to others and sharing. Life is so very hard at times, and all of us here have experienced tremendous loss. So you keep yourself busy, with what it doesn't matter. When you feel lonely and sad, reach out, and I am sure someone will grab your hand and lend a shoulder to lean on. God Bless.
     
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  16. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    David excellent sentiment. Same here with my sister and the close bond. It is even closer as we share the life of caretaker to our respective partners. We both had long term caretaking. For her, it was ALS and for mine cancer. A friend posted a donation request on FaceBook for ALS. Because this one is personal I had no problem contributing, same was Hospice request for support.

    Should you choose to start a thread of the videos that highlight the positive changes you see. That would be great. The general news tends to highlight the problem and neclets the work that is more solutions-oriented. You and Dave33085 mention to stay busy and extend our selves to others. This is very good advice. For many, the loss is so paralyzing and painful. Our ability to harness our will may come down to did we get out of the house or could we even go to the store. What was routine may not be for a period of time. What you both are mentioning can be a way of coping and being as we process the magnitude of our grief and loss. Good comments, Thanks.
     
  17. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    Like you said Paul, it is paralyzing. There were days when I wouldn't even leave my living room. I still have some bad days like that. I'm just glad they aren't as frequent. I am glad I have a job and somewhere to go most days. Keeping focused on other things definitely helped me. I really should get back involved with fundraising. It takes up a lot of time and at the same time I got to meet people who went through or were still going through what I was since we all had the common factor of cancer. But anymore, I don't seem to have much spare time now that I'm alone. It's much easier to relate when you've been there.
     
  18. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Paul, where would you put such a thread (show me a location). Now good things happen all around us, each and everyday. It might be a small action that is overlooked by so many, but when you are searching for relief from grief, happiness can come in many forms.

    As an example I have been following people who play the violin. This song was the first song I listened to this morning - it just seemed to make the day seem easier to face. The artists name is Bryson Anders. This music is soothing. I could into a myriad of reasons why peace of mind comes in many forms. This artist hails from the Philippines and has travelled the world providing music to those who chose to listen. Let me know what you think.
     
  19. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Dave, you can go to make a connection and for example, click See and share stories. Next like this category click, Loss od Spouse. Somewhat upper right below," Getting Started". In the navy blue is Post a new Thread. You might choose a title like. Balance Sorrow or examples for Optimism to Lighten Grief. Choose your own title. I used the Power of Music for example. I invite others to contribute there own. I have a few on my Facebook page the are so good at creating posts. This site is somewhat lightly visited. Many are new and at the deep end of the pool and may wish to express the most difficult topics like loneliness, or the difficulty being with people who are uncomfortable with grief. They, of course, are reeling from the overwhelming processing that can be an over load. The piece you posted is moving and I can hear why you chose it. I may start a thread about what was it that we loved so much about our person. You have described your wife in glowing terms and her radiance now lives here. Maybe only a few will come across your words and feel them. But it is cathartic for you in the telling.
     
  20. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the info Paul. Btw, this artist above uses a technique called looped music. Notice he shows you his boards as he enter snippets he wants to add to his music and then loops and repeats them throughout his song. Then his foot has a control pad on the floor the executes it all. The beauty of all this is how one person can sound like an orchestra and make such amazing music.
     
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