My father was my best friend, the rock I was leaning on, the only unconditional and permanent love I felt I could always count on. He was the most cheerful person on earth, funniest one I have met, with the biggest heart and appetite for fruits and the healthiest living person in the family. No resentment towards anyone, only love and worry for his two kids. Yet he died 2 months ago, only 22 days after we figured out something was wrong with him and may be 12 days after figuring out he had pancreatic cancer, the last stage. He was retired but still working to support my studies, only dreamt of having a small garden so he could replant everything he was growing in the balcony of our flat. Wanted to go back to the earth, nature; but not in this way. I feel so alone after he is gone. I can't accept that he is indeed gone. I want to believe this is a nightmare I will wake up from one day and he will come back to see me and hug me through all the more graduations I will have and be proud of me. He didn't deserve this. I guess no one does. But still, there are less good people around me that people wouldn't notice the absence of. And he was the one I would feel the most. I feel lost. How does one deal with this? This all doesn't make any sense. I don't understand it.