Lost husband

I lost my husband in October 2019. I thank god every day that I have my children and grandchildren because right now they are saving my life. He was my heart and soul and I am just lost without him. I feel like I have a mask on every day and just go through the motions. I can handle the days because I pretend he is at work but nights are so hard. My family just doesn’t understand and I feel so alone and separated from them. I just don’t know what I am doing half the time and my life feels like fake.

 

Hi Cora, I am so sorry for your loss! Nothing prepares us for such a devastating loss. We’re all finding out the hard way that even our closest family members and friends just don’t understand what we’re going through. They can’t, because they haven't experienced this horrible loss we’re trying to navigate.
The empty, lost, lonely,foggy feeling is how we all feel and it’s hard to think straight. I lost my husband suddenly from a massive heart attack, no warning signs. It happened out of no where, healthy and talking with me he felt like a stomach virus, then heart and two hours later I lost the love of my life. It’s been a little over a year and I’m still not in a good place. Better then initially but this certainly is a long process. Our soul mates are gone from our lives, our lives are upside down, it’s so difficult to do anything. I have found that keeping busy has helped me, but first you need to be able think straight. I agree that the nights are the hardest to get through, I’m writing you at 11:30, I should be sleeping but instead I stay up in hopes I can actually get tired enough to rest.
Don’t push yourself too hard, take one day at a time, or one hour or minute. This site and the people here have helped me quite a lot and I’m sure you’ll find help too. I’m sure your children and grandchildren are a lot of help. My children help me through each day. Sharing stories, seems to help and give comfort in knowing others are feeling the same things.
Sending you hugs!

 

Thank you for your reply. It’s nice to know someone understands. Yes I try to keep busy but sometimes even that is exhausting. Miss him every day and my heart is broken but still trying. I still have my father so trying to keep him busy also since we lost my mother four years ago. Thank u again

 

It’s so nice to know there are people who understand what we’re feeling. I agree, staying busy can be exhausting. Busy in our emotional state is so much less then what was our previous busy. It’s still so recent for you even though it feels like a life time. Take things slow.
I still keep thinking, it’s time for him to come home now. My house feels huge and quiet and I’m doing things I don’t want to be doing, I’m not comfortable doing. I was just thinking I don’t even recall what I was doing 4 months after Ron passed, but then it hit me. I was closing and emptying our business. That was an emotional cry fest. We owned and operated a business we worked together, so we were together 24/7. From all day everyday to being alone, so hard. I know you feel the same loneliness, everything is wrong, life as we knew it is gone. That’s a hard pill to swallow.
My children are the same ages as yours but my daughter is the oldest. So thankful for her, she lives close by we support each other. I’m sorry you have such a full schedule with helping your dad and the loss of your husband. Do your best to take care of you.

 

It is so nice to take to someone that understands. My daughter lives 2 1/2 hours away but I go all the time but we always went there a lot so that feels normal cuz miss him up there too. But I talk a lot about him cuz I don’t want the babies to forget us plus my daughter does too. I was up for the weekend of valentines so it helped a lot. My daughter and son in law got me a wonderful picture of my husband and I on canvas and chocolate covered strawberries cuz my husband got them for me every Valentine’s Day so it was nice of them to keep that tradition. My son lives close by me so I get to see or talk to him every day. But girls and mommy are just different. I even cooked my father his fried chicken he has been wanting for so long. So that made him very happy today. My mother was an awesome cook and always cooked homemade items for him. It was a good day today but I still cried because my hubby would of loved that meal too. U are lucky that your daughter is close enough to go everyday if u need to. I wish I was closer too. But I tell her that 2 1/2 hours isn’t nothing to drive and I get to stay. Hope u are doing well as can be. Take care.

 

I can’t imagine losing your husband and business all at the same time. I am sorry for your loss. I just pretend he is at work during the day but u can’t even do that for comfort. I am sure you are like me still and can’t believe this has happened and just trying to get through the days.

 

It’s great you get to spend time with your daughter and grandchildren. I’m jealous that you have grandchildren, Ron and I wanted to be grandparents. So nice of your daughter to give you such thoughtful and caring gifts. My daughter gave me a mini rose bush and heart shaped Reese’s heart. Ron gave me something Reese’s every year and something else, different each year, earrings, necklace our last Valentine’s Day together he gave me a beautiful mug which I’ve been using a lot. I made him a heart shaped cake every year since 1975 til last year. It’s heart breaking having traditions be gone. It’s nice you got to make fried chicken for your dad, I’m sure it felt good to cook and you made your dad happy too.
I am lucky that my daughter lives so close she’s about 15 minutes away. And for a long time she even worked from my house so we were together all the time. She’s for the most part back at her office but there’s certain days that are more emotional and she works from her house so we can be together. We just got back from visiting my son in Florida it was a nice relaxing trip but coming home to my big empty quiet house was rough. But while we there I roasted us a chicken dinner one night. I rarely cook any more, no real desire and it’s just me. I try to cook one nice meal a week and my daughter comes over then I have left overs for the week. I miss cooking for Ron, he loved everything I made. I had made us a pot of chicken rice soup the day he passed. He had a couple helpings and loved it.
I remember walking in our shop for the first time after Ron passed. It was so hard, I saw the last things he was working on, saw where he put his tools down on his work table etc. was so emotional, brings tears now as I remember. We’ve been in business 40 years and the reality that I had to close up shop was a whole other loss. I’m thankful I had recently talked to Ron about what would I do with everything in our shop if something happened to him. We were planning our retirement also, and he said well, when we retire I want to keep our sewing machines and some tools and toss a lot. So I saved the sewing machines, sold some things, gave some tools to family members brought a bunch of things home and tossed a lot. All very painful, our business was like a member of the family. It’s a huge loss and so sad Ron worked so hard all his life and didn’t get to enjoy traveling and retirement. Life is so hard now. We’re lucky we have our children and such good relationships with them. I agree with you that 2 1/2 Drive is nothing when our lives are such a mess, having your daughter to visit is a God send.
Hope you’re doing “ok” today

 

How are you doing? Been doing a little better here. Sometimes it’s seems so long ago that I lost my husband then other times it seems like yesterday. Still keeping busy and trying to get through the days in one piece. My daughter and grandchildren are coming to visit for a week so very excited about that. It will keep me busy and exhausted for a week so that’s good. Thus world is going crazy these days and it gets scary to even think about what is going on around the world. I can’t even handle another lost right now so hope everyone stay healthy.

 

I’m glad you feel you’re doing some better. It’s all just so hard, wrapping your mind around our lives without our soul mates. I’m still up and down, had to leave a store yesterday and get myself home.
It’s so nice that you’ll have your daughter and grandchildren for a week, it’ll keep your mind busy, like you said that’s a good thing. I’m having trouble staying motivated lately, but I’m trying. Planning on visiting my son again for Easter, my daughter is going with me. Don’t want to be alone for another holiday. But I know the arrival back home feels awful. Empty quiet house.
I’m with you, I couldn’t handle another loss, everyone has to stay healthy. My brother in law had back surgery, and I felt so worried, but he’s doing ok no complications.
Take care.

 

Yes, I understand everything. I hate coming back home to an empty house so lonely. I have a trip planned also with my daughter next month to go to Michigan to my brothers, just hopefully they let everyone fly still. It will be nice to visit your son again and it’s nice your daughter goes with u too. Thank god for children. Have a great time and be safe.

 

Cora1961,

I wish I could take your pain away. So very sorry for your loss.

Days can seem so long, time seems to crawl especially at night. As each day comes and we arise from perhaps lack of good sleep, each moment can seem to be enormously hard.

When you commit yourself to another, you plan your life around them. You might think of ways to please another so many times. Thoughtful cards, tender words, and even just a glance or that smile we give one another makes life seem so pleasant.

When we lose what we have treasured for so long, it is as if we are lost. Unable to find our way forward anymore. There are no words to express our sorrow. But tears flow and as they do, you should realize as you remember, those thoughts, those tears as you wipe your eyes and blow your nose perhaps, are you crying out for the absence you now feel so much.

It is normal to cry all the time, to not understand why others don’t feel the same way, and even hate so many things, but that is normal and only time and your ability to face these emotions and open up about them will help you heal inside.

When we cry we cry and shed tears, not because we want to, but because we can’t help ourselves. When we get mad and get angry at so many things, it is because your body is releasing those safeguards we have in our everyday life.

That is what it takes to heal yourself inside, you need to open up, express yourself to others, this is one place where you will not be dismissed. People will listen. People will hear and understand your pain by your words.

In order to feel better inside, you have to trust yourself again. You have to take a chance and cry when you need to, express yourself how you are feeling and release those pent up emotions. Just remove those masks you wear and reveal your true self so others can help.

You have to learn to adapt to your new life. Accept what has happened, and realize that the only way forward is to face those emotions and walk forward with the help of others. You are no longer alone. You are among those who have also lost those they loved so dearly.

Take your time slowly. Open up. Talk when you can. Peace be with you tonight.

-david

This song if for you

 

Thank you David, loved the song!
Talk about tears and crying, your post brought a flood of tears, but every word you say is so true.
I didn’t realize it was possible to hurt and ache and have your heart have this much pain. But yeah, it’s possible and happening. Ron and I were like one person, I feel half of me is gone and I can’t get it back and people don’t understand that. It becomes frustrating. But If they haven’t had such a loss how can they understand. You had that with your wife Nadine, so you understand. As everyone else on here understands. I’m thankful for this site that’s for sure. Most people question when I say we were together 24/7, they think that’s not possible. But we worked and ran a business together, lived together did everything together. And as my arthritis was getting worse, I didn’t even go food shopping alone. Ron helped me with things most people just do, open a bottle of water, tie my shoes etc. he was there. But it’s a huge life change for everyone and anyone losing their spouse.
For quite a while when you shared music I couldn’t listen, it made me ache so much, but I’m doing some better with music and have listened to some you’ve posted all very touching.
Thank again, Robin

 

Yes, no idea how I’d be without my children. I try not to lean on them too much, but they’re hurting too, so we’re helping each other.
Im Glad you’re getting away too. Family visits are so helpful. It’s the coming home that I find terrible. My daughter has been such a support, I thank her often. I’m glad she comes with me on trips I make. Not sure I’m up to it on my own. I. Sure we’ll talk more, but you have a safe trip too and enjoy being with family.

 

Robin,

What I found in life is to keep what drives you. By that let me explain. To my wife it was reading, she found so much comfort in words her whole life. To me it was music, like books music covers everything we do in life.

Each of us, have those things too, that as we went through life we held onto something that helped us move through life. To some, applying themselves in everything they did through schools wasn’t a hobby it was a passion. Still others looked for answers to so many things that might have no answer in life.

It goes on and on. We all have something we love, something that means as much as life itself to us. So I totally understand when you say at first you found it hard to listen to music. It may take an epiphany to adapt. I am happy I bring some pleasure with music.

Robin, of course I see how much you miss Ron. Your love for him always shines in your posts, that is what love truly is.

I hope your days are brighter, and nights more peaceful for you. Peace be with you tonight.

-david

This song is for life itself:

 

David,
Yes I love Ron more then anything. He is my life, my everything. He is still why I get up each morning. I know he wouldn’t want me to be suffering like I am. We had these deep discussions, wanted each other to enjoy life when we suffered a loss of one. But we also knew it would be a seriously difficult road. And it’s so much harder then I could even imagine. Sometimes I think, am I just weak? But that’s not it, I’m in mourning and miss my life with my husband, it takes time. Nothing in my life is like it used to be. No schedule or routine, so yeah, life isn’t great right now. Hopefully with time I can move towards better, brighter days.
I have always loved to cook, loved to cook for Ron. I don’t have the desire now and no one to cook or bake for. Eventually I’ll probably get the desire.
In time, there has to be brighter days
Thank you for your thoughts and the song. I’ll be sharing with my daughter, she’s a fan of Maroon 5.
Robin.

 

Amen Robin. I feel the same way. Hope for brighter days too.

 

We have to try to think positive and there has to be better days ahead. Feeling like this is exhausting, we can’t continue like this forever.
Someone sent me a video, about how we think and process our loss and how we’re thinking of our process to get through. So instead of saying to ourselves, it’s already been 15 months and I’m still struggling, we should say, it’s only been 15 months of coarse im still struggling. Changing just a few words to be it’s ok we’re struggling instead of omg what’s wrong with me. It has helped my mind set some. Cora it’s only 5 months for you but as time passes thinking of it in different words might help. Everyone heals in their own way and time. There is no time frame.
David Hughes has said some very helpful words and he seems to be in a better place right now, that’s where I’m striving for, he’s at about 5 years, some people reach better days at 1.2 or 3 years. Only time will tell. I’ll be at 16 months soon, I do have a few better days here and there, sadly the down days outnumber them but at least I’m having a few.
I’m wishing you Cora and anyone else who might read this, better brighter days ahead.
Robin

 

Dear Cora1961,
Yes there is a great
community here.
I am sorry for your
loss and I know what
it is like to not have
the much needed
support we all need
at this time.
Monday should have
been two years together
but I lost Sofia 76 days
after our first year.
I guess all we can do
now is to be gratefull
for the time we had.