Loss after three decade relationship.

Lou,

I hope you enjoyed a wonderful evening out with your friends, Tom and Ann. Its finally!! a beautiful morning, lots of sunshine, cool temps, in the 60's... the kind of day that just makes everything just a little bit better. Keeping this short. I'm about to go for a much needed walk.

I hope you slept well last night and that your morning is off to a good start...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace. all of us peace. DEB

 

Very sorry to hear of your loss. I have a similar story. My wife of 43 years has celiac disease. We were not aware of it and it developed into T Cell Lymphoma which is a very rare form of cancer. She had chemotherapy treatments but the final word from the doctor was that she was showing signs of a stroke. She was admitted to the hospital and her cancer spread from her small intestine, to her Spine and then to her brain. Each day she communicated less and by the third week she was not eating or drinking and could not speak. I brought her home on Sunday April 11, 2021 and she died the next day. She was a very young 81.I am 86 with no future. I was and am devastated and want to die very much. I'm lonely and lost without her. We did everything together, which at times was doctor appointments but we got out for a ride anyway. Now there is nothing.

 

Oh, God, Ron, my heart goes out to you, in
so many ways. Your poor wife had Celiac
Disease, which is quite manageable, with
a strict gluten free diet, IF detected early.
Several years ago, I went to my doctor,
with severe symptoms which resembled
lymphoma. My wife, Linda, accompanied
me to a cancer specialist, and we were
scared. Turned out, after many blood tests,
that I had Celiac Disease. Linda lived to see
that I'm OK, but we didn't realize that
undiagnosed Celiac, can also affect one's
behavior. My wife said later, that I could
become quite irritable, bc of the disease.
I feel bad about that, and wish I could
tell her, but it's too late. My wife was 68
"years young" when she died in front of me. It feels like a whole was ripped out of
my heart. I wish we knew what happens to
us after we die, but I'm not ready to find
out just yet. Is there a hospice person with
whom you can talk, cry, and get angry, Ron? Lou

 

Deb, so happy you finally have a great,
sunny day! The dinner was relaxing. We
sat at the same spot at the hotel bar,
looking out at the ocean, and I told Tom &
Ann how much that meant to me. We had
a quiet talk. Tom persuaded me to meet
him at Shack bar on Friday, but I said I
would, only if I did it differently, by eating
something at home beforehand, come
later, & have something light. That way,
I can eliminate talking with the Bozos,
before Tom arrives. Ann's not as crazy
about the place, so the 3 of us may go to
other restaurants in the city, like we did
last night. We passed a good Mexican
and a Sushi restaurant, neither of which
were around, when Linda was with me.
I reached out to Ron (Ronpage) again this
am. He was trying to reply to Jim,
( oneman), who hasn't been responding
lately. He has a heartbreaking story, Deb.
Maybe you can help. Senior Care is not
available on the 29th, so I'm trying to get
a ride from Kim's parents. Surgery time
is 1pm to about 3pm, but they could go
someplace, and come back to drive me
home. Have a good one. Nice here, too !
Lou

 

Lou,

I think you've come such a long way to have wanted to sit in the same exact spot at the bar with Tom and Ann, overlooking the ocean, where you and Linda once enjoyed a night out. Reading this made me smile. I hope someday I'll be do this too.

I'm glad that before Tom and Ann leave, the three of you will be able to go to some more restaurants, enjoy delicious dinners and great conversations, a perfect way to spend evenings with friends. My friends who Bob and I used to vacation with all the time love sushi. While I love seafood, the thought of eating it raw was never appealing to me. Our friends and Bob convinced me to try it one night. I was surprised at how much I liked it. The four of us had a really fun night in spite of the fact that I was laughing so hard at something Bob said, that I spilled a glass of wine all over the table. Luckily, no one got an unexpected shower, and our dinners hadn't been served yet. The server was so nice about it. He said, "don't worry, it happens all the time, " but I knew he was just trying to make me feel better. It became one of those "remember when" stories.

Backing way up,I really needed that fresh air, sunshine, and a long walk (8.4 miles according to my phone). I stopped along the way, got to hug some of my favorite neighborhood dogs, sat on a bench that's on a raised wooden bridge along a path through the woods for awhile. It was so peaceful... It made me miss Bob. I wanted so much to be able to share this beautiful day with him. I started crying when I thought about him. Sitting there, alone on that bench, brought back memories of camping trips we took before the kids were born. On the way home I walked by a lagoon and there was a big gator catching some rays along the grassy edge. I've sort of gotten used to gators since I've lived here, they seem to be everywhere, but this one was too close for comfort. I'm not supposed to run anymore, but I ran for about a block. That gator was scary!! In spite of the tears, I enjoyed my walk, and was amazed at how much better I felt afterwards.

I hope Kim's parents are able to drive you to the hospital for the surgery and pick you up afterwards. I wish I lived closer to you so I could drive you. I'm glad Kim and her parents live upstairs in case you need anything after the procedure because you will need to take it easy for awhile.

Sleep well...

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Ron,

My husband, Bob, died the day before your wife passed away. He was sick for many years, and by the time he died, he needed a specialist for just about every body part. Although I had to gradually take over more of the things he used to do for us, I didn't become his full time caregiver until the beginning of 2018. The way he died was extremely traumatic, and I find it very difficult being alone, and lonely in my house.

Backing up a bit, one of the things he suffered from was kidney cancer. He was misdiagnosed. By the time he received the correct diagnosis, one of his kidney's had to be removed, the cancer had spread, and had to be scraped from his vena cava. The procedure was over seven hours, and he almost died on the table. Long story short, after a long recovery period, he did really well and was able to enjoy life, the side effects from Votrient, the oral immunotherapy drug, were manageable. In 2018 his health began spiraling downwards, and it was the beginning of the end.

I'm worried about you. I don't think you should be alone. I think Lou gave you some good advice. Is there someone from hospice who you can talk to? I know it's difficult for you to walk. Is there any sort of transportation for seniors where you live? In the town where I'm from, there is a bus that brings seniors to the senior center to socialize, and have meals together. Also, as I mentioned to you in a different thread, if you can find transportation, an in person bereavement support group might help. If there is someone who you can talk to at the hospice, you might find out that they have a bereavement support group you can attend. If not, you might want to try calling other hospices in your area. Churches are another good place to find support.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I know there is nothing I can do or say to take any of it away. All of us here understand the unbearable pain, of losing someone who you loved, still love, with all your heart... Sometimes it just helps to know others understand...

I'm very glad you found this site, but sorry you had to. We care about you and are here to "listen," to offer suggestions, to tell you about the things that help us cope, make it through the long days and nights. Hopefully, some of the things that help us as we struggle to find our way again, alone, and lonely, without our spouses here, with us, will help you too. This has become a safe place for me. I hope it will become a safe place for you too. I look forward to getting to "know" you better.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, Thank you so much for your
eloquent words to Ron. The founder of
Grief in Common should give you an
award! I could not have sat at that spot
where Linda & I sat, without my 2 friends.
They put me in the middle of them, and I
felt safe. I laughed instead of crying. A
stranger took a picture of us in front of a
fireplace . Your descriptions
of your travels, including your long walk,
are so vivid. You are a true wordsmith,
which my friends in Pa. say about me. They are looking forward to seeing Kim &
family. When I read your reply to me after
midnight ( I crashed early at 9:30pm, and
happened to wake up). I cried when you
cried, as usual. Linda & I saw gators in the
Florida canals, but never that close! One
of my favorite memories was seeing a
pelican, which we don't have up here.
There was a place where Linda could
feed fish to one. Speaking of raw fish, my
favorite sushi is salmon, then tuna. Do you like Mexican food? I do, bc most of it is
gluten free (GF), as long as I get corn,
rather than flour tacos, etc. I have a
fondness for sparkling water, which is
good for digestion. Your wine spilling
story was funny. I'm sure everyone here
can relate, including me. I did more of
that in my drinking days, of course. I'm
glad you hug dogs. Mutual unconditional
love. I'm amazed that I can let dogs now,
bc we couldn't have a dog when I was
growing up, bc I'm allergic. Now, I prefer
not to have one, bc I like to be out all day
(except winter). I plan to keep going to the
city for breakfasts & other meals, during
winter, so I won't be as depressed, as in the past. Thanks for your reply, the longer
the better, Deb! Lou

 

Corrections: pet, not "let". I WAS
allergic, but not now! Lou

 

Good Morning, Lou,

Just a very short message, I'm getting ready to go for another walk, but it will have to be a quick one today. Unfortunately, I have some things I have to do.

Backing up just a bit, I love Mexican food! Soon after Bob and I got married, we visited a friend who lives in Colorado. He was the best man at our wedding. The first night we stayed with him, we went to a really good Mexican restaurant for dinner. We ate lunch and dinner out every day for the week we were there. Our friend, poor guy, asked us every morning where we wanted to eat. That restaurant was so good, I kept wanting to go back to it. We ate there three times in one week! Bob and our children all love Mexican food too, especially our daughter. Like you, she needs to eat gluten free foods, and enjoys being able to go to a Mexican restaurant and order almost everything she wants. My favorite sushi is tuna first, salmon second, the same as your favorites only reversed.

Dogs are wonderful, the absolute best!!, but they need lots of TLC. A dog really does tie you down. Having one is sort of like having a permanent two to five year old child. I hope I reach the point someday when I want to travel again and also visit friends from home. If I decided to stay here, many neighbors dog sit for each other, making it much easier, offering so much more peace of mind (finding a really good place to board a dog can be challenging and pricey), and so much less expensive than boarding (everyone does it free of charge.) There are lots people here who love dogs, and look forward to having "furry" guests. If I move, in spite of potentially having difficulty finding a neighbor or friend, or a place where I feel comfortable leaving a dog, I know that I need another one in my life. The special bond a dog has with us, being able to communicate so much without words... the very special friendship, love, between a dog and it's "person" or people is priceless. I know I not only want, but need another dog in my life. I'm just not ready yet.

I think I can write almost as much as I can talk. I can (almost) hear Bob telling you, probably for the zillionth time, that that's a lot!!!. I need that walk, so stopping here (for now).

Hope it's the beginning of a beautiful sunny day where you are too. Hope your day is off to a good start.... that you have many more reasons to smile..., than cry.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thanks for the kind words. I have considered a senior group. Even though I have neuropathy and my legs are numb, I can still drive. I drive to the cemetery 2 times a week to replace the fresh flowers that I leave for my wife, Caryl. she had a very beautiful rose garden here at home so I keep 2 more vases of fresh flowers at home too. Weather is getting cool and soon there will be no flowers. I keep a small memorial at our home and will buy fresh flowers during Winter. The memorial is made up of pictures, jewelry, and small items from our life together. I'm attaching a picture of us for you to see.
Once again, thank you for your reply and suggestions.
Ron

 

Hope you have another good walk, Deb!
Your comment about having a dog, is like
having a 2 to 5 year old child, made me
laugh. That was one of the main reasons
I lost interest in the friendly divorced
mother, L. I NEVER saw her without her
puppy Rottweiler, bc she wouldn't leave her home alone. The dog is so needy, that
she has to be petted by people, and to be
greeted by other dogs---- constantly! L. said
that she follows her around her house
wherever she goes. Linda & I had to take
care of a mini poodle, when her parents
no longer wanted her. She particularly
bonded with Linda, & followed her in our
apartment, but she was cute, quiet, and
LITTLE! We could leave her at home, and
she would sit high on our couch for her
security. When we came home at night,
we would find her sleeping. Another
thing I learned about L, is that she didn't
commit herself to meet at a certain time
with my friend, N, and me. It wasn't like I
was asking her to date me alone. She would just smile, and say, "see you on the
Neck", which hasn't happened. I'm not
taking it personally ( Tom Zuba advises
against that!), but, as I told N, when a
different situation occurs, where I meet
another woman, for companionship, I will
be cautiously open to that possibility.
Ann texted me this am about
meeting them at Shack tonight. She texts
better, with fun emojis, than Tom, who is
always busy on his phone, with long
distance business. I'm glad I asked for her
number Wed. ! I will go later than usual
and keep the bartenders and some of the
annoying customers guessing if & when I
might arrive! You may want to check
my communication with Ron this am. Lou

 

Ron,

Thank you so much for sharing this very special picture of you and Caryl together. There is so much I want to say to you, but I don't have time to "talk" now. However, I couldn't leave this site without letting you know how much I appreciate you sharing this picture with all of us, and for giving us the chance to get to know you a little better.

I'm so very happy you've decided to stick around!! You made me smile. This isn't an easy thing to do.

Better get going...

As always, sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I don't have time to "talk" now, will be back later...

I hope you're having a good afternoon. Looking forward to hearing about your evening at the Shack tonight.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I always appreciate your kind words
of encouragement to me, even if you're on
the run these days! You must have pent up
energy after being housebound. I'm
looking forward to seeing Tom & Ann
tonight, rather than the Shack itself. As I
said, last Fri was a disappointment, and
made me angry. Tom & Ann couldn't be
there last Fri, but I'll be sure to sit with
them tonight around 6pm. You are so
kind and supportive of Ron. He IS brave
to show Caryl's picture. I said how you & I
look after each other almost every morning & night. Lou

 

Lou,

Today I didn't see any gators, probably because I didn't walk by as many lagoons. Egrets and blue herons are common here. Sometimes I'll walk by one standing in the water, totally still, waiting for it's next meal to swim by. About an hour later, heading back towards home, I'll see what looks like the same bird, in the same spot, still standing still, or maybe, slowly, and I mean s l o w l y, walking in the shallow part of the lagoon, keeping it's eyes fixed on the water, probably in search of it's next course, or maybe still trying to catch an appetizer. The birds don't seem bothered by the gators. I've seen gators sunning themselves along the edge of the water with several birds close by. We also have lots of turtles. Sometimes on warm summer days, there might be a group of four or five of them sunning themselves on a rock. Once, when the younger of my two sons was visiting, he spotted a water snake in a large lagoon. From where we were standing, it looked like a rope, slithering it's way across the top of the lagoon. Still on snakes, one day I was walking on a narrow sidewalk and talking to a friend from "home." Not paying too much attention to where I was walking, I almost stepped on a very small snake that looked like it was about to strike. Even though it was so small, I was terrified. It took a couple months before I would walk down that street again. When I got home, I described it to Bob. He thought it might have been a baby copperhead. I don't know how I got sidetracked like this!! Stopping here!!

It was another beautiful day for walking, but I felt like a spectator watching life go by. I was so lonely. It seemed like couples were everywhere I looked, walking while holding hands, riding bikes, etc... All I could think about was Bob... Bob and I were supposed to be doing these things together. I'm glad I was wearing sunglasses and had tissues in my pocket. Although I was so sad, feeling so lonely, it still felt good to be outside, getting some much needed fresh air and sunshine. By the time I got home I felt a bit better. I talked to a couple of my neighbors who were sitting outside in lawn chairs. I felt a little less lonely.

I'm okay tonight. I accomplished everything on my to do list, and that felt good. I talked to a friend from "home" for awhile. I miss my friends from "home" so much... Tonight I feel like I want to move back "home." Then I keep reminding myself that it would never be the same, Bob wouldn't be with me.

I hope you didn't have to talk to too many bozos at the shack, and were able to enjoy another nice night with Tom and Ann.

I popped some melatonin awhile ago, and I'm getting tired, a wonderful thing!, so stopping here.

Hope you get a good night's rest...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, wishing all of us peace. DEB

 

About to sleep, myself, Deb. Glad you
took Melatonin to relax. The Shack was
so much better than last Fri. bc I sat
between Tom & Ann, like I did at the
hotel bar. Like the Godfather ( !), I let
people come to me, rather than my going
to THEM. It worked. Jimmy walked over
to me and apologized for dismissing me
over my crying for Linda. I had another
chance, to tell him how would he feel if,
God forbid, something happened to his
wife and only son. I said that I needed
a hand on my shoulder, not a lecture on
how to "move on" with my life. I thanked
him for walking over to me, and I shook
his hand. I spotted a wild blue heron, in
our nearby meadow stream, which flows
into the ocean. I also saw a white egret
walking very slowly near the Andy Griffith
like pond! There are turtles on the other
end of the pond. I don't like walking in
woods, for fear of ticks. I've been lucky not
to see snakes. Be careful! You & I are
almost mirror images of each other. I
resent seeing lovey dovey couples, holding
hands & gazing into each other's eyes. It's
so unfair. If Tim & Ann didn't come tonight, it would've been boring bc it
turned out to be couple's night. "Talk
with you in the am". N and I are going to
Legion for coffee around 8:15 am. I haven't
seen him all week, bc he has 2 jobs. He's
34, and wants to move out of his parents'
basement. I'm proud of him. Lou

 

Deb, woke up this Sat. morning with a
delayed reaction to something that was
said by one of the 2 bartenders. He said
that he went to a bachelor's party in Las
Vegas. It was a funny story, and we all
laughed. When I was still in bed this am,
I had a flashback to Linda & I getting
married in Vegas. Then, a flash forward
to when we were in our apartment, and
Linda was sedentary, becoming ill, and
she turned to me, and made me promise
to be happy, no matter what happened to
her, even to "find another woman". I know I told you, and others, that story before.
This morning, I sobbed, bc Linda had a
sixth sense about people, and seemed to
have a premonition of her death. To this
day, I cannot listen to Martin Luther
King Jr.'s Biblical words, " I may not see
the Promised Land....", without weeping.
He, too, had a premonition of his death.
I have to pull myself together, bc N will
be here soon, to go to the Legion, and I
want to put my troubles aside and listen
to his stories, as a young man starting out
on a new adventure, having seen war. I'm
in the "autumn of my years", as Sinatra
sang, in "It was a very good year", a
bittersweet memory of his life. I have
bittersweet memories, the most bitter,
of course, being the death of the love of
my life. Last night, when Jimmy said he
was sorry for being insensitive, he asked
if I did anything to help myself. I told him
about Grief in Common, and how we
help each other. I also told him about
Center for Loss. He was genuinely happy
for me that I reached out and didn't
suffer in silence. Turns out he suffered
the sudden death of his girlfriend, before
he met his wife. L