Just want the Pain to End

Mimi, Paul and John, I have had a day to think about this. Last night as I lay in bed, sleep was restless at first, as I thought about that statement and how I truly feel deep down.

Each day as I rise I look back to the previous day and realize the one person who is always in my thoughts is my late wife. Mimi of course you did nothing wrong by saying you didn't say goodbye. John I agree, I will never say goodbye. Why?

Even though our love of life has left us behind on this mortal earth is amazingly hard to overcome. Being of faith, and believing in the Almighty God, I take comfort each day knowing that one day into my future I will see her once more. This waiting on Earth, in this life, is at times hard, but allows me to possibly heal others in our family who are also sharing this grief.

Linda, Nadine's older sister, took this loss so hard. She was with us, and Nadine the last two months of Nadine's life. You see, before Nadine's passing, Linda's other two brothers, and other sister had died before Nadine.

This was last of her siblings. So her passing was so gripping to her, and I understood from the beginning. With her being the oldest, I can see how she didn't grasp why she is the last to go.

But what I see from my viewpoint is how special a person Linda is, and how classy she handled each one of them deaths as they occurred. Faith was her guiding light, and will be mine as well.

I realize death has affected each of us differently. We will have days of many happy memories. Goodbye is not in our mind and will never will be. So yes, it will take Forever. That is until we say hello once again with the one we love in heaven.

 

I wanted to let all of you know the book Paul mentioned is online, free to read here: http://www.samizdat.qc.ca/arts/lit/PDFs/GriefObserved_CSL.pdf

 

Dave, you are a valued contributor to this site and our collective struggle with grief and loss. I do not come from a Christian understanding or perspective. I was raised in a secular home and really, culture. I am aware of the ongoing lack of understanding and tolerance between these two groups. I am impressed with both you and John's belief system that gives you peace of mind and a context to manage your respective loss. A big difference between believer and non is the believer has both more certainty and a framework to comprehend our often conflicted emotional world. Kay's sister died at 36 on an Ashram in India. It was by accounts a virally induced heart attack. My reaction at the time was why and how did this happen. The other thought was so young and a sence of unfairness over a life not to experience the full arch of life. We just want an explanation and in a larger context meaning.

Dave, I am very moved by your love and devotion to your wife. I also want to acknowledge your Vietnam experience. Few of us will ever know the depth in that period of your life. Your take on guns was well taken and I think earned.

I do correspond with a member from this site' Her take is that we help each other. I so agree. I have read exchanges between members here that are as sincere and helpful as anyone can express. We continue and do the beat that we can no matter the background differences. Those differences respectfully listened to offer perspective. A point of view that can inform. We share the same pain. We listen to one another and gain both our common humanity and the benefit of life knowledge each can bring to the discussion. I for one am grateful for this comradery.

Best to us all.

Paul M.

 

Paul, thank you for all the kind words. They say time is a healer of all wounds. The book is not finished on that thought.

While in the service I have come across many people who do not believe in a higher power (God). I respected their reasoning and never doubted their motives. We each have to live our own lives. The great thing about the service, whether you were in a war zone, or somewhere else in the world, we all stuck together as glue.

We only cared about tomorrow. We didn't need a reason for doing something, we just did it. When we saw a man or woman in uniform, nothing more was needed as an explanation. When we saw their rank, they earned it for a reason and we respected that. Never once did God, our backgrounds or anything else ever come into our decisions. The only thing that mattered was making sure each other was safe, and we completed any assignment we were given.

All of us, have our entire past to draw upon. We have family, friends, books, you name it to help us each make a decision. Even though our conclusion may not always be the same for similar circumstances, it does not mean we are wrong. It only means we made our own choice, nothing more, nothing less. on how we see life.

One of the most valuable lessons of life I was given, was the travelling, and being witness to all the different people I came across. It was a growing experience as the service took me to places all around the world. You see so much love, so much tragedy, and life from so many different perspectives as your own. You can't help but be amazed by it all.

Sure at times, even people of faith have doubts. I was raised to respect all. Like you, I believe in the right for each of us to make our own path forward. Though we might make mistakes, we can at least take comfort in knowing no one person forced me to do what choice I make. Sure there will be exceptions, but that is life, the diversity of it.

I intend to stick around on this site.

 

Paul, and others, I wanted to share something with you. My brother, who lost his wife to cancer (long illness), started seeing someone 5 months after his wife died. Each one of us are different in loneliness, and grieving. I think where we are at in life, age, mindset and what not, play a roll in how we tend to move on after loss.

I do not resent my brother for now seeing and being intimate with another. That is the natural process we all face in the path of life, death, and beyond. Each of us are different when it comes to loss. I myself have questioned myself many times, and how I can move beyond this grief and into the future, and perhaps away from a single minded view.

My faith and belief in God has in some regard help me deal with this loss. Sometimes, you have to admit, life will eventually move forward for you.

There is nothing wrong in thinking about tomorrow. If you eventually see another after the loss it is nothing to be ashamed of, or timid to admit. It is a normal response in human interaction. Just because you may see another, does not mean you have forgotten about the one you lost. It is the duality of life, on the one hand you greatly miss your loved one who has passed on, and you are also now thinking of perhaps another.