Just want the Pain to End

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Mywen, Sep 16, 2019.

  1. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    For the longest time I tried to understand why I couldn't move forward in my life after losing my wife. It wasn't until today after I watched a televsion episode of New Amsterdam. Someone was dealing with the loss of their spouse and it helped me understand I was seeing myself in him.

    I have been caring and giving for my wife, my brother, my sister, and my sons for so long I forgot the most important person in my life - ME. I look back and I see I was so concerned with others, I didn't realize I needed the most help.

    I am not saying forget others and only work on yourself, I am stating that in order to heal you also have to help yourself. I basically let myself go, gaining weight, not buying new clothes, and also neglecting my overall health, like my eyes, my teeth and how I felt physically.

    In a weeks time I will be having my last 6 remaining real teeth pulled and full dentures given to me on that day. I forgot about my smile, I felt there was nothing to smile about, I was so shut off inside of myself that I couldn't look myself in the mirror and see what I was becoming.

    Well, this man on that show had others worried for him that he wasn't dealing with his loss because they couldn't see it so they didn't think he was grieving. They finally realized that his actions were actually dealing with his loss and he was indeed grieving.

    So it took him to make me realize that I finally was stepping on that bridge, and thinking about myself and how I cared about myself. When I get those dentures I will finally have a smile I can be proud of again. I can finally work towards my next step on that bridge, the rest of my health.

    So even though what I am telling you is very personal, I don't care, to me that is my first honest step in the right direction in a very, very long time.
     
    Lauren Michelle and griefic like this.
  2. Mimi2

    Mimi2 Member

    David, we are so used to taking care of others, that we forget that we need to take care of ourselves. I wasn't taking care of me, until I had some medical issues I couldn't ignore. Your wife would want you to take care of yourself.
     
    Lauren Michelle and griefic like this.
  3. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mimi2, thank you for reaching out. When I called my sister on the phone, I shared this post with her. She patiently kept silent as I read it to her. She reminded me that she loved me and was very happy I was finally honest with her, and to myself as well.

    Time has a way to sometimes moving too fast and we might have blinders on, only seeing what is ahead of ourselves. I now realize I can't run away from myself anymore. It is time to help myself as well. My sons understand, and now I finally do.
     
  4. Mimi2

    Mimi2 Member

    David, you're welcome. Right now taking care of yourself has to be your main priority. I have read so many times that we can't move forward till we let go of the past. It's been almost 5 years since I lost my husband, and I still think back to our days together before he developed lung cancer. It still bothers me when I am out in public and I see husbands and wives together. Time does move fast, but for my grief, it seems like it is moving very slow. I really thought by now I would be ready to move on. I honestly don't know why I'm not. But you are taking positive steps. Keep it up.
     
  5. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mimi2, I wanted to mention, besides making posts for two threads each day, good in the world parts 1 and 2, tomorrow I will be including in one of them posts a 19 minute video of moving on. When I found it and noticed the length I figured it would be too long to post, but as I sat and listened to it, I lost myself in this woman's description of why we should move on. Trust me, it will be worth you time and anyone else who views it.
     
    Mimi2 likes this.
  6. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Correction to above, it reads 'why we should move on' and should read 'why we shouldn't move on.
     
  7. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Looking forward to it, Dave. Will you start a new thread?
     
  8. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Paul, this speech on not moving on will be in today's Good In The World part 2 thread. I will state in the post which item it is so it will be easily found. I wholeheartedly agree with everything the speaker has stated. Listen and you might as well.
     
  9. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Dave. How are you doing? I like what you are posting. I hope you feel it is time well spent. We will never know who will read these and how if any their lives are better for the effort. The intent is from a really good place. You are doing selfless service. How that filters and takes on meaning is a God only knows. You create this content but from there it takes on a life of its own. If one person got some relief for one hour. I think you should be pleased and thanked for your contribution to the hardest to deal with portion of our lives. That is of course grief and loss.
     
  10. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Paul, I am doing ok. As for the effort given and the thanks returned. It has never been about that to me.

    I think I was trained during my earlier years that when duty calls you either take the call or dismiss it. As a soldier, I understood it was my choice and I expected nothing in return. My family had all males joining the service at some point in their lives. It wasn't because we had to, it was because we wanted to serve.

    Putting posts up to possibly help another person is ok by me. I know I may never know if another is actually helped, but that is ok, as I actually feel better for having made that effort. So in a way I am actually stepping on that bridge, taking a step or two, and facing my loss for real. I only hope that a post here or a post there will cheer them up, help them move forward, or help to deal with life as it now is.

    I don't say I have the answers anyone needs, I just say, read and enjoy and talk or don't talk. Either way is ok. When I pray to my wife, I know she won't answer, but I feel better for having done it. When I pray to God and talk about so many things in my life, and admit to him where I have gone wrong, all I am doing is facing my own evil. It isn't easy, but at least it is an honest effort.
     
  11. Simbal

    Simbal New Member

    I have decided that my bad days, ones I feel tooooo much, after necessary to remind me that I am still here, and I am Soo vital, I still have feelings both good and bad, and ultimately my late husband would be proud of me. I find perspective is a great leveler.
     
  12. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Simbal, I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. Coming to terms with your loss is the toughest thing you will ever do. There will be many sad days, many tears, and many memories to the times you had together.

    Are you able to share what your husband was like, it ok if you are not. You take care of yourself, and please know that no matter how bad your day may be, there are others here who you might be able to talk with.

    I have created two threads with music and good stories that happen all around us. Take a look if you feel like it. For now, peace be with you, you are not alone.
     
  13. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

  14. Mimi2

    Mimi2 Member

    Now that I think about it, I don't think I ever said goodbye to John. Maybe it's because I don't want to.
     
  15. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    David a very nice post. Mim2 as we are all coming to terms with our loss. It was recommended to me to read the C.S. Lewis account and really a journal account of his wife's passing. I am not all that Christian oriented but incertain respects I envy those who are. In his account is a frenzied drowning man struggling to hang on and let go. They are us now and will be in the future. Our mental processes are associative and we will be reminded often how they were in memory or at least how we were influenced and changed by them. We are in a human being business. That means social and most valued is a connection. They were the most connection of all. We will go on making a connection. Maybe not as deep or fulfilling but just less. Maybe that void is filled by God. Maybe that void will provide a call for us to respond and we will but with just a bit of sadness that we can't share it with them. I don't like it either and struggle to carry this. There will be moments of joy and free to just experience life in the now. Then there will be moments that we are sad. We can't share the joy. The violin music is very beautiful. I know that she would approve. I am glad you both are here and companions of sorts and we understand what we carry.
     
  16. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    A frenzied drowning man is exactly how I feel. I will have to read this account of his wife’s passing. Thank you for your words tinker, they make sense to me. I will never say goodbye to my wife, I just tell her I’ll see you later.
     
  17. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    The joy of music is sweet and simple for me, I hear it for what it is and it always moves me, some moments greater than others but always moving. My wife was my music, she is my true joy.
     
  18. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Beautiful music helps me remember her.
     
  19. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Thanks Dave.
     
  20. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    John that is a nice sentiment, seeing her again. Dave has done a terrific job of turning us all on to some great music. The CS Lewis book I just saw myself at one stage and recognized the discomfort he was experiencing at the details that were so familiar were fading. That 100 mph processing. The language and themes were not me and he is from a different culture and time. I got the gist of it and did not finish it. Just the notion of what will we actually retain of them. A good deal I am sure.