I'll never forget that moment for aslong as i live... Im here telling my story, typing out my pain, but right now im so lost for words... If youve lost a parent you will know my pain... If you havent, think to yourself what would it be like without just one of them? To me i still feel that mom will walk through the door to wake me up and say "why you crying? What you dreamt about" and id hug her so tight and tell her how much i love her. Id never let her go... It was only after the funeral that i called the doctor to find out what did i pay for... I was told about the womb cancer that mom had been suffering with for about 5 years, and refused to go for treatment... It all came back to me, all the signs she had given me. Everything hit me in the face at once and i was too blind to see... They say crying is a good thing, but how much crying is normal? Every day or night i always shed a tear for the past year, is that normal? Theres so many memories of my mother that i want to share, everytime i speak of her i feel lighter for those few minutes... I would do anything to see her once more, to even speak to her once more. Calling moms phone to see if she would answer, i know we have all done that at some point... She had so much of life, she held everything together, she was known by everyone... She was my only pillar of strength... Its been a year of living without her, i look back and realize ive just basically lived an emotionless year, hiding alot of pain and tears inside, just living for the sake of it... I try my best to push on to fulfill the dreams she and i had planned... But i keep screaming inside at her, for not being here with me to reach those dreams together like she promised... They say scream out your pain, it doesnt help, it makes you cry more, hurt more... You look for someone to just hold you, thats what I need the most, is a long long hug and just someone being there every single day, emotionally, physically, just being there holding me, understanding my pain, anger, moods, heartbreak... Because at any moment, no matter the time or situation, my heart cracks when mom crosses my mind and i realise shes not here anymore... And I just get very sensitive about every single thing... Is that normal? 47 years old she would've been this year, here's me a 24 year old man, sharing my story with you. I will always love you mom, your son, Aveer
