I pushed myself to get over my loss too quickly

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Smoothie0627, Dec 21, 2017.

  1. Smoothie0627

    Smoothie0627 New Member

    Less than four months ago, I lost one of my closest family members to a sudden motorcycle accident. I would see him every day of the work week for lunch at my house because my mother and I live with my grandparents and my grandmother would make him lunch every day, so he became a lot closer than just my uncle. We'd discuss our anxiety and how he knew I could do things I never thought I could do, and I always pushed through. I used to work so hard to impress him and tell him, and his praise often meant more to me than most people. The funny thing is that we never even knew he had a motorcycle until he was already gone, and that he had argued with my aunt about it for weeks before finally getting it. He never told us because he knows that most of us aren't fond of them.
    I was on my way to get some fast food with my mother when my grandmother called and said my aunt called her. She said my grandparents had to rush over right away because it was my uncle, but didn't say more. My mom and I didn't end up getting my grandmother any food, because she would be over at their house. I remember saying to my mom, "This is going to either be something silly, or something really bad, otherwise she would've called an ambulance first." It turns out I was right. It was really bad. He was riding his brand new motorcycle and somehow crossed the center line. He struck a pontoon boat that a car was towing. He died on impact from the sudden impact to the head and chest. I understand there was no suffering, but that doesn't make the sudden loss any easier to move on from. I also never even got to say goodbye to him as I did almost every day he came for lunch, because I was sleeping in. That is still my biggest regret.
    One of the hardest things about this loss and the point of this post was the fact that less than a week later I had to move in to my college dorm, which is three hours from my home and grieving family members. It felt like my mind gave me the funeral to cry and grieve, but then it was all about school. Since college has started I have given myself time to cry occasionally, but I'm afraid that while my family was back home and healing together, I forced myself to forge ahead without taking whatever time I needed to heal. It's like I tried to skip to the end and now I'm more messed up than if I just let myself hurt.
    Another thing that has complicated my grief is that where my uncle passed away is less than a mile up the road from my serious and long-term boyfriend's house. Every time we have to go into town, I'm forced passed the spot where my uncle took his last breath.
    I'm not sure what to do or how to feel, but I know what I'm doing by forcing my feelings down the majority of the time isn't healthy. My family and I can't afford any kind of therapy, and as bullheaded and stupid as it sounds, I've never been the type to be able to share my feelings with myself or my family, I can't imagine sharing them with a total stranger.
    Please help me figure out what I need to do to give myself the space to heal.
  2. Smoothie0627

    Smoothie0627 New Member

    Also, I'm sorry in advance if there are any spelling mistakes in my post. It's quite late here, and while I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep, I need to try. Rereading it for errors wouldn't probably prove helpful because my brain is already turned off and can't focus very well. Thank you for understanding.
  3. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Smoothie - thank you for sharing your story, I know it's not easy to do. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved uncle. It sounds like you have had to experience a lot of loss, change and transition in a very short period of time.
    I have spoken to a lot of people who did their best to push through their grief, and it's understandable...sometimes it feels like that's the only choice we have. But I've found that grief is patient. It will wait for you. So even if we think that time is moving ahead and healing us with it, if we have not fully realized and sat with our grief, it will sit and wait for us until we do.
    It's never too late to heal, that's the good news. And healing doesn't mean forgetting, but it does mean finding a way to move forward in a healthy way. A way that allows you to live your life in the way your uncle would want you to do...while still keeping his memory and the love you had for him alive.
    It's a journey, and a slow one at that. We're here to walk you through it.
    I wish you all the best....
  4. Bethany225

    Bethany225 New Member

    I’m sorry for your loss .