Less than four months ago, I lost one of my closest family members to a sudden motorcycle accident. I would see him every day of the work week for lunch at my house because my mother and I live with my grandparents and my grandmother would make him lunch every day, so he became a lot closer than just my uncle. We'd discuss our anxiety and how he knew I could do things I never thought I could do, and I always pushed through. I used to work so hard to impress him and tell him, and his praise often meant more to me than most people. The funny thing is that we never even knew he had a motorcycle until he was already gone, and that he had argued with my aunt about it for weeks before finally getting it. He never told us because he knows that most of us aren't fond of them. I was on my way to get some fast food with my mother when my grandmother called and said my aunt called her. She said my grandparents had to rush over right away because it was my uncle, but didn't say more. My mom and I didn't end up getting my grandmother any food, because she would be over at their house. I remember saying to my mom, "This is going to either be something silly, or something really bad, otherwise she would've called an ambulance first." It turns out I was right. It was really bad. He was riding his brand new motorcycle and somehow crossed the center line. He struck a pontoon boat that a car was towing. He died on impact from the sudden impact to the head and chest. I understand there was no suffering, but that doesn't make the sudden loss any easier to move on from. I also never even got to say goodbye to him as I did almost every day he came for lunch, because I was sleeping in. That is still my biggest regret. One of the hardest things about this loss and the point of this post was the fact that less than a week later I had to move in to my college dorm, which is three hours from my home and grieving family members. It felt like my mind gave me the funeral to cry and grieve, but then it was all about school. Since college has started I have given myself time to cry occasionally, but I'm afraid that while my family was back home and healing together, I forced myself to forge ahead without taking whatever time I needed to heal. It's like I tried to skip to the end and now I'm more messed up than if I just let myself hurt. Another thing that has complicated my grief is that where my uncle passed away is less than a mile up the road from my serious and long-term boyfriend's house. Every time we have to go into town, I'm forced passed the spot where my uncle took his last breath. I'm not sure what to do or how to feel, but I know what I'm doing by forcing my feelings down the majority of the time isn't healthy. My family and I can't afford any kind of therapy, and as bullheaded and stupid as it sounds, I've never been the type to be able to share my feelings with myself or my family, I can't imagine sharing them with a total stranger. Please help me figure out what I need to do to give myself the space to heal.