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I lost my wife, my best friend, my lady, my love ..

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by JasDi, Sep 24, 2020.

  1. HW2927

    HW2927 Member

    The grief is overwhelming. Reading about Diane and how the most important thing is love for all, everyone’s support here is helping me through this minute. It hurts so much. My husband passed away unexpectedly on August 18th. Describing his absence like a void really hits home - the crushing feeling that never goes away. I try to focus on being blessed to have had his love for 25+ years. That’s all I can do right now.
     
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  2. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    Hi Louise, so good to read your words even though they are tough to write, tougher by far to live through and heartbreaking to read. I am so sorry for your challenges, and your last 12 years were the most important and I can hear love won through it all, and that is so very special. Diane taught me many years ago (she was actually a grief counselor amongst many other things) that there are two forms of communication - one is with oneself, the other is to the outside world. Some people just find it harder to go within themselves for fear of what might find and might make them a little vulnerable, and it affects their outer communication, but not their love. My father is like that - even though I can tell he loves me he cannot bring himself to show it or have a conversation where he might feel vulnerable. It is hard when someone you love finds it hard to open up. It sounds like Walter showed his love through his ability to take care of you and your family. I know I had to stay very strong and be Diane's rock when she got so ill. Because she was always my rock too. When you mentioned your focus was on you both, Diane and I were the same. Everything outside of us was second priority - some don't understand that, but she was everything to me. I fell in love with her in 1993 when I walked into a workshop she was running .. and I stopped in my tracks. She was so beautiful and so breathtaking. She was older than me, but our souls aligned. 10 years later we were married, and then we had 17 years together. My beautiful Diane passed away in February - it still feels like yesterday. We had our challenges too, but love was always at the centre. I miss her so much. I am so sorry for the loss of your son also, I can't imagine for him that and I am sorry. I don't have children, but I hope your son and his siblings work through their own grief as well .. you sure don't need any more pressure on you (I hope this is alright me saying that).. what you are going through is deeper and more far reaching than anyone but us can imagine. I could never have realised how much of everything I do, say, think, dream, wonder, live, sleep, breathe, aspire for, work for and even just get up for every day .. is about Diane. I have lost our dreams. You and I have lost the futures we had with Walter and Diane - we lost everything and we have to find ways to create a new future, not survive in an old one. One day I will do that, but I am not even close yet and I don't want to be. I am so devastated for your children losing their father, also. We have to be whatever we need to be - we can't let anyone stop us grieving in whatever way we need to. It's tough. I cry in the shower. I have to rush out of the shopping centre sometimes because I am so upset at having to by food just for me. This morning I woke up crying. When I leave work, leaving all my colleagues at work who still live the same lives .. I shake. It is so, so hard. I am going to keep remembering the good things too. We both need to. Thank you too, yes Diane was a very very special lady. I am actually in Melbourne too, in the south-east suburbs. Still in lockdown unfortunately, which has made what is already hard even harder. I am a talker too (as you can see) and I would happily have a coffee with you and just talk, talk, talk... anyway. Bless you, Louise. Don't focus on being strong, focus on you. You are the most important person in your world right now. Take care.
     
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  3. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    Hi HW - I just started tearing up at your message. The void that is left is unfathomable to anyone else. It is overwhelming, I know. I could not get up off the kitchen floor sometimes when it had only been a month since Diane passed away. I still hurt so much. I remember coming back from the funeral home, and I collapsed in the hallway for ages. I physically hurt so badly and couldn't breathe. Crushing is what it is, because everything hurts and feels numb at the same time and life feels meaningless. Everything stops. It just stops. I went into a daze when I had cried and hurt so much I had exhausted myself. I am here for you as much as I can be. I am so sorry you have lost your husband. The void he has left, and my Diane left, is still so hard to deal with. Diane spent her life helping people understand the beauty within, and love is the most important thing there is. I am 7 months into trying to survive, trying to cope, and Diane's love keeps me from falling into the darkness of despair. My mind, heart and body is still in survival mode, and all you can do is what you said - focus on the blessed love you have had for so long. I am doing the same. My Diane left me with what she had most of, and that was love. I hold it everyday, and it is the only thing that gives me strength. I don't expect anything from myself other than the truth, no matter what, and to do what I feel is right for me.. I couldn't even bear the thought of tomorrow. Today is hard enough. Be kind to yourself as much as you can. Take care.
     
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  4. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    You write beautifully. I love writing, although I am not very good at fully expressing myself clearly and as eloquently as you. You vividly describe my husband when you say some people are afraid of what they may find or what they might expose if they open themselves up. I wanted to know my husband on the most intimate level and he couldn't open up. I have long believed that intimacy begins in the mind. My husband often said he wanted intimacy but he felt sex was being intimate. And while I agree that physical closeness is very important, it is not the most important thing for me. It's how a man makes my mind and spirit feel that makes me want a physical connection. I feel that deep, spiritual relationship in how you write about Diane. I would be envious but I can't be anything but happy that you have had what so many only dream of. Stay strong and be blessed my friend.
     
  5. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    So sorry for your loss and I pray you can find some comfort here.
     
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  6. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    Hi Louise, thank you and I feel we see intimacy the very same way. The mind is our true and real self, and when we share that with ourselves, or with another, it is love that matters. Diane taught me in our early years that love knows no comparison. Love is love. Diane and I believed the spirit comes first, as we all come into life from what we really are before we go back to what we are, and the mind is our deepest truth of everything we hold. It is a blessing to find someone you love and who loves you back no matter what. I agree about intimacy. I would give anything just to have Diane touch my face. To fold into my arms and put her head in my shoulder, or to just lie there even if we said nothing. Sex between people who love each other is beautiful, and some of us can go a little or a lot deeper and some of us can't. From the sensitivity with which you write, I feel Walter's love was as he was able to give it, and that is what counts. We all all 'one', but not always able to show it. Thank you for your kind words about being happy, I wish you the same. Where is the US are you from? Warm regards.
     
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  7. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for writing words my soul needs to hear. I do know that Walter loved me deeply and it took me years to recognize that there honestly isn't a right or wrong way to love. We sometimes have different ideas of how to demonstrate it. In hindsight, I now recognize that my parents relationship was very similar to mine and although they stayed together for more than 50 years, neither knew how to love the other in a healthy way. Dad loved Mom but she didn't love herself and didn't know how to love. She had a very strong, independent mother who didn't care for children or for men and it resonated in everything she did. After years of being told she wasn't pretty or smart, my mom's self-esteem was very low. There were 4 of us girls and I honestly can't say I ever heard my parents say I love you to each other. I wanted someone to fill in every thing that I was missing, which is unrealistic. I gave Walter a task that was impossible to complete until I did the work necessary to be whole emotionally. If I had to name one thing I regret with regard to this relationship, it would be that I was so immature when we married and by the time I got a clear prospective on things too many years had gone
    I will not live in the memories of what I could have or should have done. Each day I make a conscious decision to remember the good times and honour his memory by trying to live the best life I can.
    You asked where I am in the US. I currently live in a small town in South Carolina called Beaufort. It is centrally located between the larger cities of Charleston SC and Savannah Georgia. I'm originally from New York City but have lived in the Carolinas for more than 30 years. I've been a nurse since the early 80's and now teach nursing at a local college. It's what I've always wanted to do, so I'm pretty happy doing my job. What about you? What do you do? I've never been to Australia although I've always wanted to visit. As I stated earlier, my youngest sister has a son who has lived in Melbourne for 5 or 6 years. Ian loves it there and doubts he'll come back to the states. I enjoy talking with you. Have a great rest of your day!!!
     
  8. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I read and reread some of my letters to Michael, as if I’m talking to him, and it helps me get some grief and tears out. It’s important that I still tell him what I’m feeling. I know for sure he does not want me to be so upset for so long. I am trying to get to a peaceful place of loving memories. I miss him so much each day, and like you, would give anything to feel his touch, hold his hand, have his arm around me. To hear his voice. How to I learn to want this life without him. I am attaching a note that I found in my checkbook after he died. He wrote it on a grocery list I had started. I had forgotten about it but it means the world to me now. He couldn’t spell very well, but I would take him and his crazy words back in a second. All the more special. Prayers for you and Diane and the very special love you have. Peace.
     

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  9. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    I
    Think I told you that my son was named Michael. He recorded a CD of rap music before he died and he asked me to listen and sadly, I reminded him that I didn't like rap music. I treasure that CD because I can hear his voice. My husband had a radio show here in Beaufort and I happened to be able to secure copies of all of his shows. My son can't stand to hear those CDs. He says hearing his father's voice brings too much pain. Interestingly he wears his father's watch every day to feel close to him. We all grieve in our own way and find comfort in our own way. Like you I find cards and notes here and there that I either never saw or have forgotten. Then the tears start . Blessings and comfort from the Carolinas.
     
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  10. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    JMD, that's so beautiful. I do the same. I write a journal diary every day, and sometimes I read it out loud to Diane. I have put photos up on the walls in every room so I can always see her face. I agree Michael and Diane would not want you or me to be upset for so long, but it is so hard when every part of you aches, when every part of you is torn, when every part of you is missing something. We have to feel exactly how we feel, and there is no time limit. To feel Diane's touch would mean everything, so I have to remember it like you remember Michael's. I was sitting on our porch the other day just trying to keep it together, when I felt Diane's memory and I felt her love so close, and I got this strong feeling to go and look in our storage rooms on a shelf. So I did, and on the shelf was a pile of papers I just haven't had the energy to sort, and under the first page was a letter in an envelope Diane had written me for my birthday several years ago. It was so beautiful, like hearing her voice again. She wrote how much she loved me, and I know our wifes and husbands who have passed away do not want us to be sad, so that leaves only time. I will always grieve for my Diane because I will always love my Diane. Things like the note you found are so very very special. Peace to you also.
     
  11. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    Hi Louise. Thank you too for our talking and sharing, it really helps, I enjoy writing and reading, helping each other. I appreciate it too as I needed to find people who understand how I feel because I am relatively alone and it helps so much to be understood, and to share. I understand when you reflect on the nature of your parents' relationships and how it made you feel, and the flow on effect this has in our lives. Their parents had an affect on them growing up too, and so it goes.. it is humbling to know that love is always at the centre of everything. Sometimes people embrace it and give it out, and other times people are not given the skills to communicate, or are hurt or unsure and hold it in. My parents came from very cold and undemonstrative families, and my upbringing was practical but cold. My father was an angry man back then, and so I really only found out what love is and how it is so important to find love within oneself, when I met Diane. My whole life, mind and soul opened up the first time I laid eyes in her. Diane brought so much love into my life. That was 27 years ago. I was like you were - I was immature to in the early years, but Diane (who was older) stuck with me .. and she will always be the most special person in my life, ever. Time is so precious, isn't it Louise. I agree with you about memories - we could spend so long of on the what ifs or what could have been, it is just energy that could be better used to nurture ourselves and be kind to our self. Especially now. I live to honour Diane and everything she stood for, and it is the only thing that will make me happy.

    I have always wanted to visit America, and I have heard of the Carolinas. I just looked at a map and saw you are on the east coast. I would like to see the US one day. I've been around Melbourne for about 30 years in one place or another. Diane was from the UK and came here when she was a child. I am not surprised you teach nursing given how given and sensitive and aware person I feel you are. I met Diane when she was running workshops and courses on meditation and inner awareness to help go beyond what holds them back, to understand how we feel, who we really are beneath the surface, and how to give love and be the best person you can be. Diane was also a counsellor for years. Over the past 15 years Diane and I worked a lot together. By day I run a team if sales and clinical trainers who sell and train on products that go into hospitals and aged care facilities. On my weekends and evenings I am working on completing Diane's life's work. She had started a few books on her life and I want to finish them one day. I also teach mediation so people can find peace and hold discussion groups for people who want to talk about how to be happy by finding what they are looking for.within themselves. Times like these when we can make sense of how we feel really helps. I am the sort of person who is very aware inwardly of how I feel and what is most important, but it means so much to be able to share it like this. I enjoy it too. Hope to speak soon.
     
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  12. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    Jason, I have to tell you it is so wonderful to find people who are not only hurting from loss but are finding meaningful ways to honour the person they lost through purposeful living. My loss is still pretty new, he passed away 6 months ago this week, but it feels like yesterday. I have come to accept that I will have many moments that the only thing that will soothe my soul is to cry and holler out "Why???". My mom was a very practical woman and said things like "have your moment, then move on". She was very good at compartmentalizing her grief and sadness. As she got older, I could see how unhappy she was and it hurt me. She could not find any joy in her life with my father and we children, I can't say for certain, weren't much to her either. I felt sad for her. What she did teach me was to be able to take care of myself and to find joy in life. It was a rough road figuring out exactly how to do that but I believe I got the message. I love Walter now and will love him always no matter what my future holds. I take this time to get myself in better shape mentally and physically and live the best life I can. I am just beginning to meditate in earnest, trying to find quiet time to center my soul and find peace again. I wish I had met your Diane. She sounds like an amazing woman and I would be honoured to have you share any techniques that you may have learned along the way to find peace. Looking forward to your next message. Til then have a wonderful day and week ahead. Peace
     
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  13. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    Hi Louise, it sure helps doesn't it. I have found a much needed stage of my grieving made a lot easier talking like this. 6 months is so new, mine is 8 months in 10 days time. I always find it hard on the last days of the month because I know I am approaching another month without my Diane. You will have many moments - I had one yesterday, I just had to leave work, everything was too loud, too 'life', too 'as if nothing was wrong' all around me .. I was not coping so I left. I do what I need to do to honour my grief and my lady. I understand what you are saying about your mom, so many people compartmentalise for different reasons. My parents do it constantly. Sometimes we feel we have no choice, but it is so important to be in touch with our inner self. Diane and I believe and lived the awareness that we all come from the greater, and we all return to the greater. Love is what binds us, and when someone is cold to the outside world or to those closest to them, it is my experience they are having troubles with their own value, and cannot see their own beauty. A lot of time it is because their life has told them so many times they are not beautiful, and sadly so many believe it and carry it forward into their futures. Learning how to take care of yourself by understanding yourself can be a hard journey out of old ways, but it is a journey worth taking. I agree. You would have loved Diane. Everyone loved her. She was a kind and charismatic woman, passionate about our inner awareness, and taught me love was the most important thing, ever. I live that now, and I always will. I believe she would have liked you too. She was tough, though. You have to be when truth is what matters. Not everyone is always ready for the truth. It can hurt, and people fear letting go of what is familiar. But then comes healing and awareness. And love. Not idealistic love, but real love. Inner love that flows outward, rather than the other way round.

    Diane taught me mediation, and now I do the same and teach others and run groups. The most important thing about meditation is honesty, and to be in the moment. 'Trying' is for people who want to 'find' something, and true meditation is all about letting go. I meditate most days, and sometimes my inner vision shows me things that make me cry, and sometimes it shows me things that make me fly. But expectations and imagery are why many people who say they cannot meditate .. can't. Too busy trying, and wanting control. Mediation is about letting go. Nothing more. Gentle music is always wonderful to soothe the emotions, and guided meditations can help focus the vision.

    Sharing about our grief together, and I feel we're sharing together as friends now, is so valuable. If it helps, I have created a website dedication to Diane's life and work, and although it is still a work in progress I am happy to share it with you. I usually don't share it, it is more for me to work through my grief and to tell Diane's story to anyone who wants to hear it, but many of Diane's words are on the website and I have written many things on there too. The blog "Time and Love" is what I wrote on the day of Diane's and my anniversary that we would have shared together 3 weeks after my lady passed away. You will also find meditations there, and you will be able to hear her voice (and mine). The meditations are about finding what we really are - which is the energy of the spirit, the soul, the greater part of us all that lies beyond our humanity. Life is so much more than what people think it is. There is great love, and there is great darkness. Love is strength, and always prevails. But to live in an idealistic life where one does not need to take responsibility for everything they do will never allow us to find out inner beauty. That is why meditation and the website is about letting go of imagery, and remembering we are all one. I did not expect to share it, but the site is www.thejourneyhome.com.au. It is a dedication to Diane.

    Have a wonderful day as well, and I hope to hear from you soon, and we both feel as much peace as we can find as we work hard to move forward. Different countries, same struggles. Bye for now. Warm regards, Jason
     
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