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I lost my sister, my best friend, my life

Discussion in 'Loss of Sibling' started by Maggie2017, Jun 12, 2020.

  1. Maggie2017

    Maggie2017 New Member

    I don’t know where to turn. My grief is consuming me at times. I lost my dear sister April 28, 2020 from metastatic breast cancer. We are a year and 2 days apart but we were as close as any twins could be. We had a tuff childhood, helped each other and I think that is part of our strong bond. We both divorced and decided to live together and became even closer. I think it must be like losing a spouse in some respects. I don’t know this forum, I’m just reaching out for some kind of comfort I guess.
     
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  2. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel. I lost my older sister, who was my best friend, about one year ago. We were only 3 1/2 years apart in age. I, too, lived with my sister and she was the last of my family. I have friends (not where I live) and very few relatives that I even know. It is very hard losing a sibling ... all the memories we shared and good and bad times too. We were extremely closer and this is even harder for me than when my parents both passed away many years ago. Only recently have I been able to look at pictures and able to smile a bit. It was extremely hard doing all the necessary things one must do when someone passes ... and I had no one to help me. Now, after one year's time I feel somewhat stronger. I still miss my sister terribly and will forever miss her but take comfort that she will be in my heart always. Sending you a big hug as you go through the grieving process.
     
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  3. SallyD

    SallyD Member

    Hi Maggie. I kind of know how you feel. Lost my big brother on March 31, 2020. He had thyroid trouble (like me, but his didn't get caught early enough), and I think this led to his liver going bad (he didn't drink). We thought he was going to get a liver transplant on March 12--they cancelled at last minute, saying this liver wasn't "a good fit," but that we shouldn't worry, because another will come along, soon. Well, it didn't. Now he's gone. We were real close, too, because my mom was widowed early and never remarried, so it was mainly just the three of us--and mom didn't have great health, either, due to her thyroid trouble, so we all helped each other out as best we could, and we were close. We actually talked to each other, like a lot of families don't, and we really cared. My brother Jordan and I also lived in the same house after our mom died and tried to look after each other, too. It's really hard. Have a couple of friends who are trying to help with me because my health sucks, but Jordan had a spark to him and we'd shared so much--good & bad--and I just miss him a whole bunch. He was my go-to person to talk about everything, or just to hang around with and share stupid stuff with. Best to you as you go through all this--I know it's super hard.
     
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  4. LoreA87

    LoreA87 Member

    Hello, everyone. I am truly sorry for all your loses. However, I'm glad I have found this place. I also feel lost. I lost my little - and only - sister (3 years younger) who also was (and always will be) my best friend. I feel like others just don't truly understand (even if they try) what this loss feels like. As you mentioned, siblings (if you are lucky) are your go-to person, your best friends, your actual partners in crime (even if you are married). They are like your soulmates I believe. I would love to hear stories of your siblings - if you wish to share them. I have found that when I talk about my sister with my friends (I have only few of them because we had a rough childhood and never were at the same place long enough to make lasting connections), they feel weird and I can tell they want to change the subject because they don't know what to do or say (which is completely unerstandable). So this, I believe, is the best space to talk about them. What do you think?
     
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  5. SallyD

    SallyD Member

    I agree, LoreA87. This is a good place to tell some stories about the siblings we cared about. I'll tell you some funny things about my brother, Jordan, because
    he had a great sense of humor that's rubbed off on me...(although obviously, I'm not in the jolliest of moods these days.) Jordan was 6 and 1/2 years older
    than me, and he taught me all sorts of ridiculous "guy" things that a feminine little girl like me NEVER would've known about, on her own! He had me
    watch wrestling from the age of five....there was one other girl in my kindergarten class who also had a sports-happy big brother, and we'd sit there
    talking about Southern California wrestling, sometimes! :) He taught me about reading things like "Mad" magazine, and all sorts of other funny books--
    our mom didn't mind, because she said, "Well, at least they're reading!" Jordan once made a miniature golf course in our backyard....used empty soup
    or vegetable cans for the golf holes, and dug them into the ground. We had fun using putters, to pretend we were real golfers! One of Jordan's classic
    moments was in junior high, where the science teacher wanted them to take home a frog they'd dissected and sew it up. But she didn't tell them how
    exactly to do it. Jordan figured, "Hmmm, Mom has a sewing machine...and she's not here right now...so, why not?" He didn't know you had to stuff
    the frog with anything, and that sewing it by hand would've probably been a better choice. He was proud of his handiwork! Our mom--not so much!
    She blew her top when she found out he'd used her prized Singer sewing machine on that frog! And his science teacher wasn't too impressed, either--
    held up that frog as an example of "how NOT to do this project!" Jordan was insulted by this....but he knew he'd really made an effort. And that's
    why I miss him so much....in his own way, he always made an effort to be a good person, and a good big brother to me. :)
     
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  6. LoreA87

    LoreA87 Member

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful memories, SallyD. I do believe our loved ones keep on living as long as we remember them. I loved the frog story! I can only imagine how fun he must have been to be around.

    I would also like to tell a story about my sister. As I mentioned, she was 3 years younger than me and we had a mixed relationship. By that, I mean that I sometimes felt like her mom (my parents worked and I oftened was "in charge"), sometimes I felt like her twin (she was going to have a twin, but sadly she didn't make it - before they were born) and sometimes she somehow felt as the elder sister, as she was very independent and very bold. One afternoon, we must have been 11 and 8 (more or less) and my parents were working so as usual I was "in charge". She had to do a homework for her language class. We live in Mexico and we often use a paper called albanene (I think it is called vellum? in english) and when we use it, we often burn the edge and it gives it a cool look - like an old parchment. You see, I was afraid of fire (I played with it when I was 3 y-o and almost got out of control, nothing happened but I was /am afraid of it). She wanted to burn the paper so she could finish her homework. I told her that we must wait for our parents but she, being her bold and independent self, started burning her paper when I was writing on the computer. Suddenly, I only heard her screams as she dropped the paper (ON FIRE) on the floor of the study (WHICH ONLY HAD CARPET!) and ran away leaving the fire between me and the exit LOL. I had to sacrifice my favorite slipper to put the fire out hahahaha. We often did this crazy things when our parents were still at work, and then had to fix them as quickly as possible to avoid being scolded. We often think that this memories will make you life "someday" but that at the moment, you will be worried or feeling something else, but with her most of the times it was FUN even when we knew we might be in trouble.

    Thank you for letting me share this precious memory.
     
  7. SallyD

    SallyD Member

    That is a good story, LoreA87, and yes, I bet we both have so many more like them. My brother and I also had a mixed relationship, in that our dad
    passed away when we were very small, and Jordan looked out for me more than maybe some other brothers would. That's why it's extra hard, without him.
    And we were real friends, too....I know some siblings in other families that never had that relationship, so I guess we're both lucky in that way.
    Just wish it could continue, in this life.

    Yes, I know about vellum paper (albanene) because I do a bit of artwork, myself...it really would look like parchment if you burned it like that. Of course,
    if you burned the whole house down, that might be a real problem! So sorry you had to lose your favorite slipper over that--but glad you guys were
    OK at the time. Only our siblings could pull stuff like that....and we yell at them, but we get over it and go on to share new adventures (or misadventures)
    with them. It just seems like that would go on, forever. It's so hard to believe they're not here....it is good to talk about them in this way, though,
    as you said. And I'm glad you asked for stories like this about them. It helps to remember some better times with them...not sure why, but it does.

    I will leave you with another nice story about Jordan. Our circumstances were hard, and we didn't have enough money so that Jordan could
    get his full teaching credential (had part of it completed.) But he could substitute teach, and he was so good at doing it that it worked into long-term
    assignments, teaching Special Education kids that others had given up on. Not Jordan....he didn't give up on them, at all. He'd do all kinds of
    things to get these kids involved in learning, even if some of them couldn't do all that much. Jordan got them involved in helping him cook things
    in the classroom, because they were supposed to develop "life skills." Jordan was famous for having the kids help him make pancakes, and all
    the other teachers around could smell the yummy pancakes being cooked...and they'd come in and ask for some! Jordan always said, "yes!"
    so the students got a lot of practice measuring ingredients, and mixing batter....and even some grumpy teachers were happy, after eating
    those pancakes! And that made Jordan very happy, too. He made a real difference for the better, with so many people--including me.
     
  8. LoreA87

    LoreA87 Member

    Hi, Sally. Sorry if I took too long to reply but I've had a lot of work lately. Which is good, because it means less time to spend thinking about my sister but also awful because I don't get to actually grieve. About what you said, that's exactly how I feel. I look at all other siblings I know within my small social circle and NONE of them have the relationship I had with my sister. Not to be mean or anything. But for instance, they can go on weeks without knowing about each other, while my sister and I talked ALL DAY - EVERY DAY. Either through whatsapp, phone calls, mails (we worked together...). So, I kind of feel a weird feeling of pride. As they know that even if they have their sibling with them till they are 100 years old, they will never know the true joy of that unconditional love. But yes, I also wish it would go on. I always thought it would be eternal. I kind of feel cheated, this wasn't "the plan"- but then again, no one promised anything.

    I love to read your stories - about you and your brother. As I said before, I think people (at least on my social circle) get very tense as they don't know what to say and want to change the subject right away so I though it's best to share this stories with others who are also grieving another special person. I also loved to learn that he was a teacher and to know that he was able to make a difference in the time he was given here. That makes me believe that he will continue to live on the hearts of those he touched (including you, of course), which is the best thing anyone can aspire to. Beyond riches, beyond "the best job", fame or anything else, the power of making life better for someone else - that, to me, is to actually trascend.

    Thank you for writting, I really appreciate it.

    I would also like to share another story from my sister. As I mentioned, we worked together. From march 2012 until her death on November 2018. It was complicated as we are both hot tempered at times and so we would clash and it could be awkward at work but it was mostly just great to be able to share that time with her. We had to send weekly content for our accounts (we worked on social media) and this was done on friday most of the times so when she sent her content she would send each person (we were 6/7 on the agency) a special image with a wonderful quote to inspire you or to tell you that you were important. She would take the time to look up for a special image just for that person, so for example, if that person loved "Alice in wonderland" she would find a cute image and quote from that movie/book, and she would do this every week. And when she received her content, she would reply to that person with "Wow, I saw you did this post, it looks amazing!" or other words of encouragement. It was awesome and I ended up looking forward to that mail every week.


     
  9. SallyD

    SallyD Member

    Hi LoreA87...sorry it took me a bit of time to reply, too. It was a hard week...had to work with a lawyer on legal probate stuff for my brother, and it just was hard because I'm not well myself (I get Jordan's girlfriend to help me with this, because I can't handle it, myself.) Also, I have to take thyroid medicine that doesn't work well for me, so the doctor is switching what I take now....and it's hard to get used to--I don't even know if it'll help me right. So, that's why it took me longer than
    I wanted to get back to you. This computer of mine is really messing up with this website, so I'm going to log out and come right back, and finish my reply. I'm not going to "quote" your message next time, because it seems to confuse my poor, dumb computer! :) I don't know how this site works...like if I don't quote your response, will you actually know I sent you another message? But I'm going to write one, anyway....so just look for a second message from me, in a little bit. SallyD
     
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  10. SallyD

    SallyD Member

    Hi again, LoreA87. I'm glad you had work to take your mind off things, but that does make it hard, too...makes it like you're avoiding thinking about all this with your sister, but it is good to have your work to distract you. And I'm sure your sister would know you haven't forgotten about her. She'd probably understand your crazy work schedule most of all, because you two worked together. That is so nice, how she'd send out those special images and quotes to everyone! It is so rare these days, when someone actually takes the time and effort to really think about others and try to do something just for them, just something nice that they would like. That's the kind of mom I had--her mom was like that (never got to meet her, she died before I was born), but my mom used to say that Grandma Sarah really tried to do special things for each person, to make them have a better day. My mom and Jordan were like that, too....it is REALLY hard when you lose people like that. So believe me, I do understand.

    That is wonderful that you two got to work together, even though I know that can be hard, at times. Jordan and I worked together on a lot of different things--maybe not formally in the workplace, but just on so many different things. That's why it's so hard without him. I want to ask him, "Hey, what do you think about this?" before I do some things, and he's not there to ask. Not that I'd always take his opinion that seriously (lol) but he was good to bounce ideas about things, and to help each other with a lot of things....and just to hang out with and watch a stupid TV show or movie together. And believe me, Jordan could pick the craziest things to watch! He liked the dopiest movies I would never watch on my own, probably. Like, stupid teen movies that were funny, but also so bad that they were funny, too. There was one called, "Up the Creek," and another from the 1970s called "Starhops." He was really looking forward to "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure II." I guess he's be watching from Up Above....he would hate the movie theaters being shut down a lot, due to the Covid-19 virus.

    Like you said, we talked every day. Throughout the day. And because I haven't been well enough to work for awhile, he'd call when he was out for the day
    to see how I was doing, and what was up in the neighborhood, etc. And Jordan was the kind of person who actually wanted to know how you really were
    doing when he asked....he just didn't say it to be polite or anything. Most people aren't like that. They don't care that much. So that is really hard to be without. And I know it is for you, too. I know, we'd fight too, sometimes. Or call each other out on stuff, just like you and your sister. But we always tried to be there for each other, as best we could. Jordan was sick for awhile, but I thought we'd beat it...and he'd be around for a lot longer. We came real close--he needed a liver transplant (he didn't drink to have a bad liver--I think it was due to his thyroid not being corrected for too many years.) It was really hard to get him on the transplant list because our incomes weren't high, and they want you to have a certain amount of money coming in so you can rely on that while the patient
    recuperates from the transplant surgery. Although I'm not well, I worked really hard to get him some government assistance with the money...we got it, and he got on the transplant list. On March 12 or so, they were going to do the surgery. I signed papers and talked to surgeons, and everything. At the last minute, they cancelled it, saying the liver they had for him "wasn't a good fit." But don't worry, they said--another will come along, real soon. It didn't. Partly they think
    because of the Covid-19 virus, there were less donors and less people available to process that sort of thing. Jordan stayed on the transplant list for at least another week, and then he went downhill more and got taken off the list. He passed away on March 31. Last time I saw him was on March 17, before they closed off visitors at the hospital. It's so weird....last time I was with him, we were still hopeful about everything. And now, he's just gone.

    I feel very, VERY cheated, too. And I know one thing...Jordan would be very mad at how this all worked out, because he knew I put a lot of effort into getting him on that transplant list, and that it was hard for me....but we didn't even get the darned liver. He'd be yelling about this, I'm sure...not at me, but how the system works and how it really treated both of us so badly. I miss this about him....he would stick up for me on something like this, just like I would stick up for him on important things, too. That's what good family does. And it sounds like you had that with your sister. I absolutely understand, and my heart goes out to you. I'm glad that you liked how Jordan was a teacher, too, because he was really proud of what he achieved with those difficult-to-reach kids. It sounds like your sister made a good difference with those she worked with and touched, as well. And that is something. LoreA87, you can write me, anytime, if you want. Either through this discussion, or I think there's another way to set up private discussions on this site (but I don't know how to start that up.) I'm not as good with social media and computers as you must be! But I'm trying....best to you, always. SallyD.
     
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  11. DISRIP6120

    DISRIP6120 New Member

     
  12. LeslieR

    LeslieR New Member

    I just lost my sister to metastatic breast cancer last week Wednesday. She was 12 years younger. I went from thinking of her like my child to her becoming my best friend when we became adults. She was only 36. She had a great job, a loving husband, a new home, and a dog that she adored. We lived in different countries, and because of covid, I couldn't go to visit her. Her funeral is tomorrow and I can't be there in person. Being without her is just so hard. It's just so hard to function. There's a big hole in my heart. I hope that time has brought you some type of peace and blunted the pain.