Hello. I don't think my name is really important. 6months ago I lost my mum. The last time I ever saw her was on that graduation day. She was not healthy but she was trying to be strong for me. 4days later she passed away at my aunt's place. I swear my world ended that day. I know im a grown ass man (I'll be 24years) but I was her baby. I was her last born. We shared So much together. How could she leave me like that? After my graduation? Why? Did I do something to offend God? Why would she pass away 4days to my birthday? We only found out in the autopsy report that she also had cancer. It was a devastating period in my life. I hated everyone and everything. I burnt some bridges...became this bitter... Dark...vindictive person. My parents separated when I was 3years; so all my life I've lived with her. She has taught me so much. I honestly wouldn't be alive or be where I am if it weren't for sacrifices. Now she's never gonna see my other accomplishments...the man I become. . My children. .. The house I wanted to buy her. The holidays I wanted to treat her to. I don't know how this grief thing works. I don't know how much I can take. I don't know if I'll ever be OK. All I know is Im broken beyond repair. I live in this post apocalyptic world where it is always winter ... the sun and the stars never shine. I'm mess. I don't know if I care about anything or anyone anymore. I'm not close with any of my siblings being a last born. My mum was my North Star. It pains me no one will ever love me the way she did. It haunts me that sometimes I took her for granted and I was being a jerk to her... I had anger issues while growing up and that is still no excuse for acting the way I did...but she was and is still my whole world. 6 months later I still think about her everyday. I'm numb. . Detached from the rest of the world. I'm becoming indifferent and I'm losing my empathy and sympathy. It just feels like a part of me died with her. I try to be a decent human being...do right by her. Go to church. . Be kind. . But it's not the same. Some days I good...other days are just terrible. I wish she would come back for me. We had so many plans together. It hurts so much.... This sucks. To make matters worse I have searched for such a forrum for a long long time since I stay outside the US. I'm relieved I have people who understand what I'm going through. I'm a mess!