Grief Self-Study Now Available! Visit Online Support section for more information

I couldn't save him

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by Skywalker, May 23, 2020.

  1. Skywalker

    Skywalker Member

    I lost my boyfriend 43 days ago and the emptiness and guilt keeps me awake...he wasn't himself that week but it only seemed like his mood had gotten better...I reread all the messages he sent me wondering how I couldnt see how much pain he was in...and the current lockdown affected him more than I realised...I wish I had gotten him help and he would still be here....everyone keeps asking me why he was so sad but I know he wanted to live and it was an accident...he jumped from our apt window and I wish I hadn't taken my eyes off him that night...I dont understand what I'm supposed to do anymore...we both lived in a new country without our families and now i feel even more alone after having to plan his service....i have to pack his apt to send his belongings home and i'm dreading it...it will be the first time since that night...i'm tired of everyone telling me to be strong....i dont want to be strong anymore....i want to wake up from this nightmare...i dont think i'll ever be able to "heal"...when i close my eyes, i see his sad eyes and then his body on the pavement.....some days i want to sleep and not wake up...he brightened my light and changed my life but now i dont know what to do...i'm going to therapy but i dont know how to talk to anyone without feeling like i'm bothering them with my sadness...i've never lost someone so close and i just dont understand the point of this life if we end up dying...esp good ppl
     
    Roc likes this.
  2. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    I can certainly appreciate your last sentence. Wondered that myself. You can talk to everyone here. They are listening. Unfortunately I don't have any sage words of wisdom. I'm still trying to deal with all this and the virus myself. Not doing a good job. Can't get myself to leave the house today. I'm all alone.... I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you are in counseling. I have an online one but not sure I like her or if she'll be able to help me. I hope yours goes better. Remember, you are paying for it so you aren't bothering them.
     
  3. Kieron

    Kieron Guest

    In my own experience, looking back and questioning everything, re-examining, looking for clues, is very natural. While my loss isn't similar to yours, I did spend several years afterward asking how I could have missed the signs that my partner was not lapsing into depression but actively withdrawing from the world because he lost the will to live (due to a terminal illness), and didn't want to be a burden to me. And because it was the first real, major, "life-stage loss" I have ever had to experience to date, I was illiterate in the reality of death and dying and the aftermath. Why this, why that, if only this instead of that, if only I had done X, on and on and on. One can go crazy with these wonderings but I assure you they are common and natural and normal.

    As for people telling you to stay strong, I am sorry to say that never changes, and you will get this kind of thing for a long while. People will say all kinds of silly things because mere words won't ever encompass such a vast thing as death. So well-meaning people resort to cliches and stock phrases like "Sorry for your loss. Life is a journey." Someone said exactly that to me just last week and I felt like saying, "Did you hear that in a movie, or something?" It was so off-hand and clearly he too was grief illiterate.

    I am very sorry you saw your boyfriend's body on the pavement. Some images are burned into our memory, and that may be one of them for you. For whatever it's worth, I fully understand the sentiment you expressed: "some days i want to sleep and not wake up." Some days it would be easier to just lie down and go to sleep and just never wake up. Treat yourself gently in this time, for it's early and the loss is fresh and raw.
     
    Mammawx4 likes this.
  4. Skywalker

    Skywalker Member

    I understand because if my therapist didn't check in everyday, I would easily let my sadness consume me. I tried a few counselors before i stayed with her (online as well) because I needed someone who I felt comfortable with and who wouldnt treat me like just another patient and so do you. It's my friends and family that I feel like I have to pretend I'm doing ok so they don't worry...everyone else seems to have moved on so it's as if they expect me to as well.
     
  5. Skywalker

    Skywalker Member

    Thank you for that. You voiced exactly how I felt especially "first real, major, "life-stage loss" I have ever had to experience to date, I was illiterate in the reality of death and dying and the aftermath" and exactly, "mere words won't ever encompass such a vast thing as death." Someone even said it was "his destiny" and I got so upset. I guess because so many are grief-illiterate, the world still goes on otherwise we would all be stuck in our cocoons of sadness.
     
  6. K4A6

    K4A6 Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. My father passed away due to suicide a few months back. I feel the same, how did I not know? How did we not help him? I struggle to believe this is true. How can it be? What I have found is that I have a journal to write in, everything I feel. I use it when I have emotional upsets or memories or sadness that just bubbles us. Though I miss him just as much the days are easier to get though with time but I would do anything to have him back. My mom is broken without her spouse as I know you are. I also agree about life, it is SO scary and there are so many bad things that can happen. It makes you think a lot more of living for the day and not overreacting to stuff that just doesn’t matter.
    I also understand how people move on while you don’t. I feel like people are onto their lives and I am still broken missing my daddy, needing him. Life doesn’t just adjust and become normal and “good” again. It takes a lot of pain and time to adjust to your new normal, each new event or holiday or person you see feels raw and scary. I am not sure if this helps but just know we are here, others have and are going through this terrible loss and pain too. Take it day by day, moment by moment, take deep breaths. exercising has really helped me feel strong and in control of something. We have lost this person but WE are still alive and have to continue on, someday we will smile over their memories and be able to live full lives, just takes a lot of adjusting and new perspectives. Thoughts are with you!
     
  7. Shannon Lee

    Shannon Lee Member

    I'm so sorry. My father died May 27th by suicide. I can strongly relate to every sentence.