Hello, well to start, 3 years ago I went through what every little girl never imagined! The loss of my father, on March 8, 2017! I'm still broken over losing him! He was rittled with health issues, both my parents were, but an infection that went septic is what took him! Nothing will ever take that day out of my head, I got the call at 5:30 in the morning saying he coded and we're working on him, he was 43 miles away and I rushed to him, he was on life support after they worked on him for 35 minutes. I had a friend rush to bring my disabled mother before we inevitably had to let him go! Such a hard thing to do!! Well just 2 weeks ago, 4/7/20, I lost the one person I feel like I had left, my mother! Her loss was quite different, one morning I found my mother unresponsive and could not wake her, her oxygen level was at 58 (unbelievable she was alive), a little back story, after losing dad, we moved mom in with me as she was disabled and needed round the clock care walking and stuff, she lived with me and I was her caregiver for 3 years, about the last 8-9 months she was bed ridden, ok so I get an ambulance and we get to the hospital, she was instantly put on a ventilator, and transported the 43 miles to a better hospital, we live in a small town, she spent 8 days on the vent, 6 of which had passed before she ever woke up, then 6 days off and back on it again, we slant all together 20 days there all along having to make horrible decisions about DNR and hospice, finally we found out the problem, she aspirates and even on a honey thick diet, there is no cure and she was not a candidate for the feeding tube option, we ultimately had to go with hospice, this broke me! I've been her care giver for so long, to just have to hand her to others and trust they would care for her proper! Well about 2 months of in and outs mentally, traveling at least 4 times a week to be with her, working taking care of two teenage boys, and a husband who drives a semi that is rarely home( not knocking that!!! He's a great man!) It was a lot to say the least! But finally I lost her and I can't take it, I'm only 35 and I have lost them both! Because of covid-19 I hadn't seen her in a month, so the first time I got to see her was on a cot at the funeral home! I am purely devistated! I have to be strong but I didn't get to properly grieve my father and it already feels like I can't properly grieve my mother either! I can barely make myself get out of bed and there's just so much more to it all, my brothers and their roles and it all out on me, the baby of the family, just so much! Am I the only one with such a dramatic feeling of lonely and pure broken soul, just riddled with devistation and feeling like I have to be fake for everyone else and cry alone in the dark! Idk how to fix it and sometimes I don't even want to try!