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I am so broken, I lost my daddy, and now, I lost my mother too!

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Fallen Angel, Apr 21, 2020.

  1. Fallen Angel

    Fallen Angel New Member

    Hello, well to start, 3 years ago I went through what every little girl never imagined! The loss of my father, on March 8, 2017! I'm still broken over losing him! He was rittled with health issues, both my parents were, but an infection that went septic is what took him! Nothing will ever take that day out of my head, I got the call at 5:30 in the morning saying he coded and we're working on him, he was 43 miles away and I rushed to him, he was on life support after they worked on him for 35 minutes. I had a friend rush to bring my disabled mother before we inevitably had to let him go! Such a hard thing to do!! Well just 2 weeks ago, 4/7/20, I lost the one person I feel like I had left, my mother! Her loss was quite different, one morning I found my mother unresponsive and could not wake her, her oxygen level was at 58 (unbelievable she was alive), a little back story, after losing dad, we moved mom in with me as she was disabled and needed round the clock care walking and stuff, she lived with me and I was her caregiver for 3 years, about the last 8-9 months she was bed ridden, ok so I get an ambulance and we get to the hospital, she was instantly put on a ventilator, and transported the 43 miles to a better hospital, we live in a small town, she spent 8 days on the vent, 6 of which had passed before she ever woke up, then 6 days off and back on it again, we slant all together 20 days there all along having to make horrible decisions about DNR and hospice, finally we found out the problem, she aspirates and even on a honey thick diet, there is no cure and she was not a candidate for the feeding tube option, we ultimately had to go with hospice, this broke me! I've been her care giver for so long, to just have to hand her to others and trust they would care for her proper! Well about 2 months of in and outs mentally, traveling at least 4 times a week to be with her, working taking care of two teenage boys, and a husband who drives a semi that is rarely home( not knocking that!!! He's a great man!) It was a lot to say the least! But finally I lost her and I can't take it, I'm only 35 and I have lost them both! Because of covid-19 I hadn't seen her in a month, so the first time I got to see her was on a cot at the funeral home! I am purely devistated! I have to be strong but I didn't get to properly grieve my father and it already feels like I can't properly grieve my mother either! I can barely make myself get out of bed and there's just so much more to it all, my brothers and their roles and it all out on me, the baby of the family, just so much! Am I the only one with such a dramatic feeling of lonely and pure broken soul, just riddled with devistation and feeling like I have to be fake for everyone else and cry alone in the dark! Idk how to fix it and sometimes I don't even want to try!
     
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Fallen Angel,

    My heart goes out to you in your time of loss for both of your parents. Seeing your father being so ill had to be extremely hard on you. Then to be the caretaker for your mother and slowly watch her till she passed would crumble even the strongest of souls.

    With you being married, having children, and your husband on the road so much left you with so much responsibility, raising your sons, taking care of your mother, and being away from your husband would make any person a bundle of nerves.

    You have done what any person caring person could do. I am sure you have shed many tears, had many troubled nights and still do.

    I know when my dad passed first, then I had to take care of mom, also being married with two sons and a wife traveling the country for her job, and going to college as well. I had many days I just could not think of myself - as you must have as well.

    What happened to me, I became depressed and developed panic attacks, couldn’t eat, and finally was treated for depression. It required 5 months for me to recover. I still took care of mom till we moved her to a hospice hospital two years later near my brother.

    I believe it is just too easy to lose yourself in the misery of the situation you have faced for both parents. Frankly, I would not care what anyone else thought, as it is your life you have to live. It must be hard to know your children also are hurting from losing their grandparents. My two sons are so quiet some days it does worry me a lot.

    This isolation has altered all of our lives and put us in a horrible situation. Not being able to be with our loved one when they are sick and will pass on is one of fear, frustration, hopelessness, and the list goes on. I know we don’t wish to get our own family infected, but still, not having that closeness at the end of their lives takes our hope away and leaves us feeling so damn sad and lonely.

    When my wife fought her ten year battle with cancer and lost, it was one of the hardest moments I ever had to face in life. The worst part is when you know there is nothing you can do, or say.

    Seeing her a month later, after being separated is just totally unfair. I really feel bad for you. If I was you. I would not care who sees me crying. No fake faces for anyone. This was real, this is totally crushing you. If they can’t understand and feel for you during this time then shame on them, not you.

    You are not alone anymore. There are so many of us who have lost our loved one(s) here. We of course have cried an ocean of tears. I spent many lonely days, even in a crowded room. It will take time to get beyond loss. I would ask you to watch out for your health, and be mindful of feeling hopeless, as depression can set in.

    Please take the time to rest. Also please reach out to us whenever you wish. Seek any professional help you also are able to as well. Peace be with you.

    -david


    A daughter to her dad





    A song for mother


     
  3. Fallen Angel

    Fallen Angel New Member

    David Hugh's,
    Your words are probably the most comfort I've had in a while! I am so sorry for your loss' as well!!!! You are very kind and thank you! There is so much back story is bore someone to death and it really sounds more like a pitty story to me anyways, it was a hard life that led to all the loss on all side of my story, but I'm glad I found a place that has amazing people like you that can relate to what I feel and live!!! God bless you!
     
  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Fallen Angel,

    Thank you as well. When we tell of our own personal plight in life, it comes straight from the heart. No words are too shallow, they are your own, they have meaning to you, please never forget that loss touches us all so dearly. I am Roman Catholic and truly believe that one day we will reunite with all those who we lost in life. Take care. God Bless

    -david

    This is another song for you

     
  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Fallen Angel,
    I am so sorry, your story brings tears to my eyes. For many reasons. Your story hits home for me. And I know the pain and sorrow you’re feeling.
    I lost my husband suddenly, no warning nothing. He suffered a massive heart attack, lost the love of my life, beginning to losing his life was 2 hours. My life was turned upside down in what felt like an instant. My daughter has been my support. And she misses her dad so much. We have supported each other throughout. She just turned 36, she’s miserable and at the same time trying to support me. We know your pain. When I lost my Dad to cancer I was 36 with 2 young children, 10 and 7. I was sure I couldn’t live a day without my Dad. But I had 2 children and my Mom to help through this horrible loss. So somehow I made it through, I cared for Mom and then she suffered dementia after having heart surgery. We eventually got caregivers for her. Because it became too much, I was helping run my husband and my business and being a Mom. She passed 11 years after my Dad. She was my best friend, and devastation set in again.
    So, yes I totally understand your pain, so does my daughter, she misses her dad so much, she was very close to her Dad, they are a like in many ways, she feels guilt over things she shouldn’t feel guilt about. And my son I feel concern about because I worry he’s in denial. He’s in Florida and we’re in NY. So there’s a distance thing and he is supportive but he seems to not talk about the loss.
    You’re story is so sad, I feel terrible for you and the fact that everything was left for to deal with is such a burden. Not being able to spend time with your Mom for a month because of this horrible crisis we’re living through has got to feel terrible. I can’t imagine. A loss is difficult enough and then being separated is so upsetting. I agree with David, no false smiles no fake I’m ok. Let it out, holding things in only makes things worse. This not a time to pretend, you’ve suffered a major loss while still dealing with the loss of your Dad. It’s bad enough to not be able to have people offer support in person, but please talk to friends and family and let your pain show.
    You’ve come to the right place, this site has people who will offer support and compassion and we all understand what and how you’re feeling. You’re not alone in your feelings of lonliness and feeling broken. It’s normal, we all feel it, we get it and we’re here to support you.
    Take things slow, one day, one hour or one minute at a time. Don’t push yourself to do things you’re not up to. Try to get some fresh air, my son before he left to go back to Florida made me promise I’d go outside at least once every day. I did my best to keep that promise. I barely remember the first month but I know I tried and usually felt good to get fresh air, sometimes my getting outside was just stepping out in the back yard.
    There will be better days somewhere in the future, we just need to work towards that.
    Sending you hugs! Robin
     
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