Husband's sudden death

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by LoveMS, Jan 10, 2020.

  1. LoveMS

    LoveMS New Member

    I recently lost my husband on November 30. It was sudden and unexpected. We were together for 35 years. He was my best friend. I never knew one could feel so much pain and sadness. Its all so overwhelming. Hard to get out of bed in the morning. Yesterday I packed up all his clothes and donated them. And today I walked into the closet and saw his side empty and it broke me. Changing accounts to my name only made me feel like I was erasing him. He was 3 days shy of 62. How do I go on alone?
     
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  2. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    So sorry for the loss of your husband. I am not married but my sister, whom I lived with and was my best friend and only family, passed away 8 mos ago. I, too, had to go through all the closets and accounts, etc. which was very difficult to do. Sometimes the loneliness and sadness is unbearable while other days I feel stronger. It is very hard to go on alone but you must and will. You will become stronger each day but will never forget. I try to keep myself busy but the night is the hardest to deal with for me. I am so glad that I found this site to be able to communicate with others who know how you are feeling in your grief and can honestly express the emotions you are feeling. Thinking of you and wishing you well.
     
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  3. LoveMS I know exactly how you feel.... I never knew such sadness in all of my life... I lost my husband 5 months ago...
     
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  4. Kriss

    Kriss Active Member

    I know your loneliness all to well. Lost my husband last May one week after our 30th anniversary. Sudden heart attack. He was 52. Still can’t get over it. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry. Still have some of his clothes. Still have his hankie on table next to his chair. Can’t seem to let go. The first month I went thru the motions. People around to help take care of changing financial problems and dealing with paper work now everyone gone back to their lives and I’m alone. I hate it. I hate being alone at night and on the weekends. I wish I could hear his voice one more time. I wish I would have saved something with his voice on it. I wish I would have saved him. People say move forward it’s what he would want. I can’t move forward yet. So I’m taking my time.
     
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  5. Bogman

    Bogman Member

    Over the last 2 weeks I keep logging onto this site, somehow it's helping. I lost my wife in December one week shy of our 41st anniversary, I see by peoples posts that I'm not alone in my despair, I can see that maybe I'm not going crazy and that it's OK to cry and have that overwhelming gut wrenching feeling when I think of her. Time is the only thing that will ease the loss and somehow we can go onto live whatever this new chapter in life thats been dealt to us. Hugs to all.
     
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  6. RiskyB

    RiskyB New Member

    I lost my husband 12/17/19 and I am overwhelmed. We were married for 45 years, his death was very unexpected. Rick was my best friend. All of his clothes are gone. I sleep on the couch downstairs and avoid our bedroom as much as possible. I cannot imagine feeling this way forever, but I don't see how it will ever get better
     
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  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I lost my husband 11/17/18, massive heart attack. No signs nothing, in 2 hours I went from loving my life to losing my husband and feeling paralyzed. This pain we’re all feeling you could never even imagine possible. So friends and family don’t know what we’re experiencing, they can’t. I have 2 adult children, one is married, we all slept in the living room together for many nights. We were there for each other all night long. Eventually my children went to their homes and I went into my bedroom. It was hard then, still hard now, many sleepless nights.
    I haven’t had the strength to empty his closets so I have all his clothes and something’s I’ve left where he put them down. It gives me comfort for some reason. As for financial and bank accounts, I haven’t taken his name off of the accounts I can’t bring myself to do it. LoveMS, you’re so strong for getting that done. I need to, but I can’t. We were together 44 years and married 41, we were one, now my life is upside down. Nothing feels good or right. And support is pretty much nonexistent except for this site which helps so much. I’m on here many times a day. Whether we’ve lost a spouse, a parent a sibling etc we know this feeling we’re each going through and there’s comfort in knowing we’re not alone in this nightmare. So many of your losses are very recent, do your best to take care of yourselves, don’t push too hard, most things can wait til another day. Try to get some fresh air, my son, when he headed back home to Florida made me promise I’d get out at least once a day. I believe that was helpful even though I had no desire.
    Thinking of you all, hopefully this site helps you all as much as it is helping me. ❤️
     
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  8. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    I agree that this site definitely helps because you realize you are not alone in your despair. You are not going crazy and it is certainly OK to cry when the overwhelming feeling takes over. Hugs back.
     
  9. modells65

    modells65 New Member

     
  10. modells65

    modells65 New Member

     
  11. modells65

    modells65 New Member

    I lost my husband September 9th. He was 51. He fell outside our home. We were together for 25years and December 24th was our 20th anniversary. I also lost my only sister on April 9th and my best friend of 38 years September 2018. The anxiety makes me feel like I can't breathe. I have back problems and have been disabled since 2013, my husband did everything for me. Along with the tremendous loneliness, there are things I am now responsible for that I can't do. I am alone a lot of the time. I don't know what to do with myself. I too don't know how to go on alone.
     
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  12. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    I lost my only sister who was my best friend and was the last of my immediate family. The loneliness is overwhelming and I'm not used to doing everything by myself (we lived together). I am also planning on moving to another state where I know some people. The thought of moving all by myself is terrifying but I know I must do it to move on. It is extremely hard for you since you have back problems that limit your mobility and are now responsible for things you are unable to do. There are online sites where you can hire people to do work that you are unable to do, ie, Angie's list, etc. They are safe and run background checks .. or perhaps there are handy people in your area that can help with things you cannot do. I wish there was an easy answer as to how to go on alone...but there isn't. I try to keep myself busy and take one day at a time.
     
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  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    It certainly is very hard to go on alone. It’s sucj a lonely path, doing the same things but alone feels wrong, not doing the regular things feels wrong. There’s no right, there’s no routine, there’s such loneliness. I feel eventually there will be a time that our wonderful memories with our loved ones will bring smiles to our faces. I’m not there yet and I believe it will happen at different times for each of us. Modells65, I know exactly where you’re coming from, I have RA and depended on my husband for many things and now I’m pushing to do things myself, I fail often. I can’t even get my shoes on. So I feel your pain and know exactly how you’re feeling. It’s terrifying and so lonely. I am so sorry for your loss and actually multiple losses. My heart breaks for you. I don’t even know how I made it to this point. It all still feels like a fog and this can’t be real.
    I’m thinking of you all, my heart breaks for all of you.
     
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  14. patricia k

    patricia k Member

    I have a container/box that I found at a thrift store. I call it the Box of Sorrow and Pain. I've put many of my husband's personal items (such as his comb and pocket watch among other things) in that box. It seems to help. I haven't finished cleaning out his closet. I can't seem to finish that for some reason. Some days I have doubts that I'll actually make it through this. I know that he would want me to be happy. Thanks for listening.
     
    cg123 likes this.
  15. modells65

    modells65 New Member

    My sister was also my best friend. Not being able to talk to her now is unbearable. She was an MSW she worked on the National Veterans Suicide Hotline. She always listened to me without judgement and advised and supported me.
    I've always kept a small circle and now I've lost 3 people from that circle. I have one friend left and she takes care of her mom with dementia, so her availability is limited. I have driven in 6 years due to panic attacks. At 54 I got my permit and working on getting my license. Living on disability with the loss of my husband's income. There was no life insurance.
    I wish I had kept contact with many people. It seems I've been deserted by people as they don't know how to approach me or know what to say to me.
     
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  16. Bogman

    Bogman Member

    I like the idea of a box !! I've started organizing things like clean out my wife purse and some clothes but I have some items that I can't throw out, a box might the solution. Some days I have the same doubts but time has to help and I know she too would want me to be happy.
     
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  17. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Patricia,
    I like your box idea. I carry Ron’s wallet and cell phone with me at all times. Makes him feel close. I wear his hoodies and buy his favorite snacks to snack on. But I might be looking for a nice box for some special things. Do you hear favorite songs of your spouse out of no where’s? Happens to me often, in stores in the car, I’ll hear a song you wouldn’t normally hear and it’s a favorite of his.
    I think we all know, our spouses wouldn’t want us in such pain, we have to keep trying. But it’s so darn hard.
     
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  18. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You’ve had a lot of losses so close together. I feel so bad for you. Must be so difficult. I personally lost pretty much all my friends previous to to my husband passing, because we didn’t need anyone else, we had each other. Now I regret that I let those friendships go. And most of my support disappeared by 2 months. Mind boggling, together 44 years and people don’t realize you need support longer then 2 months. But they just don’t understand. They haven’t felt the devastation of such a loss. I tell people, there’s no right or wrong support, just be available, just listen, be company. The loniless is awful.
    You’re in my prayers, sending hugs!
     
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  19. patricia k

    patricia k Member

    So MANY things trigger memories of him, a song, a box of saltine crackers, his favorite jelly in the frig and I swear sometimes I can smell his breath in the bedroom, it's so overwhelming! Luckily I have a Christmas card from quite a few years ago which he recorded a message on. I feel so lucky to have it. He also left me a letter in our safe deposit box to open upon his death. He was always so thoughtful it's no wonder that I miss him so much!
     
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  20. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Yes, I get things all the time that trigger our everyday happy life, that I miss so very much. And the memories make me cry, make me miss him more. There will be a time I think, that the memories make me smile. Not there yet. I miss cooking for him. Everything is so different.
    How sweet of him to leave a letter in the safe deposit box. That must have been hard to read but also so loving and caring thing to do. I believe you do smell his breath in your bedroom. I get signs and scents regularly, usually in the bedroom. Every once in a while I smell his deodorant.
    I agree, how can we not miss our spouses when they were so thoughtful and caring. Ron did so much for me. I know he’s watching over me and feeling bad for me that I’m having such a hard time. And knowing I’m struggling through things he did for me everyday.
     
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